Yea, mi rich and happy, Abena to the world. How some gal ah gwaan like dem hot and dem a feed dem pickney pon Lasco and Evaporate Milk? Mi is a girl tek care of my daughter, mi woulda rather go hungry than mek she short a nothing. Some gal fi stop go dance and left dem pickney wid dem madda or dem girlfriend. Yu neva watch the news the other day with the two pickney weh bun up inna the house after the mother gone round the road and lef dem one inna the house. Some gal fi go straight prison, dem nuh deserve fi have a blessed w**** that brings forth a life. Yea, ah dat mi seh and mi can defend it too.

CASSAVA PIECE SHOOT UP EMPIRE VEHICLE
Word on the street is that the Empire is quietly stewing over an incident in which Jeffrey Hypes SUV was shot up while he drove in the vicinity of Cassava Piece earlier this week. Jeffrey Hype, who is the right hand man of Vybz Kartel, reported the incident to the Constant Spring police.

DIGICEL RISING STARS LAUNCH SUPER X-RATED
Mi go check one of mi hottie hottie cousins dem over Portmore today and mi buck up inna the Rising Stars launch outta the Mall. It come in like the whole ah town come over Portmore fi the audition because mi see crazy faces that mi know, but the audition ram up bad, at least 750 plus people applied. Many of them shouldnt even have bothered to assail our ears with their offerings but there is just no accounting for taste. Still, it was good for plenty of yucks. One of the funniest moment was when a young girl made the questionable decision to sing Lady Saws If the Man left, anno my p___y fault. As you can well imagine, she was quickly ushered away. Another girl sang the unbeeped version of a Mavado song that chronicles the sexual act in teeth-grating detail, she too was quickly yanked offstage. I cant wait to see the edited version of this show.

MALE MODEL CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING
Ah which big model from a well-known local modeling agency was apprehended in London recently after he was caught shoplifting. Rumour has it that the male model went into the high-end store and tried on about 10 pairs of shoes, but had slyly left his own shoes in one of the boxes, and walked out in a pair of expensive Oxfords before the store security officers caught up with him. Good try, old man, good try. But it just underlines that old maxim, you can never trust a male model.

GHETTO GAL HAVE THE WICKEDEST SLAM
One of my girlfriends sent me a link to this Youtube video, it is as funny as hell and it merely underlines an unofficial rule in socio-sexual politics in Jamaica: ghetto gal have the wickedest slam. Party uptown and frolick downtown. Ah so the ting set up. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfwXr3-iX94

RICH AND HAPPY SATDAZE
Everybody who is anybody is talking about Rich and Happy SatDaze featuring resident DJ Julian Jones of RJR every Saturday at the Destiny Palm Club in Destiny Mall (close to Mega Mart). There will be a guest selector every week, plus in-demand Drenz t-shirts will be given away free.