Dear Pastor,

I've been plagued with this problem since I was 14 years old. I'm now a 27-year-old man. I've been blessed (or cursed) by the good Lord with an oversized penis. It has ruined my sex life.

Women claim they like it big, but not this big. I've lost many women whom I've loved, due to my inability to have consensual sex with them. The pain is just too overbearing. I've been to the doctors, and there is some deformity, but I'm afraid to go ahead with the surgery. I have a sick obsession, as I've grown pretty fond of my package. To add to my woes, I have an interest exclusively in white women. They are especially disinterested in my manhood.

Please, pastor, should I risk the surgery and possibly go impotent for the remainder of my life? Please remember that I'm still young! Or should I continue looking for that particular woman who won't laugh when I remove my fruit of the looms?

D. B., St. Andrew, Jamaica

Dear D. B.,

You are pretending that you are seeking suggestions from me. Whether you are sincere or not, you are very proud of the massive size that you are carrying. You claim that you have gone to see doctors and they have advised you that your problem can be corrected with surgery. It is up to you whether or not you want to do the surgery. If you know that you have something that is an embarra**ment to you, you should listen to your doctor.