I have known my present boyfriend since I was about 12 years old. At present, I am 29. We shared a close social relationship, one that was filled with love while we were children. I always had a strong feeling for him as a child and that feeling went on with me even to this day.

It somehow happened that we lost contact and were unable to correspond with each other for several years until one day before I migrated to the USA, I bumped into him. We talked for a while, then he shared with me the information that he is in a relationship and is a father of two children. That information really tore me apart because even though we were not able to correspond, I always asked about him when-ever I went to Clarendon, which is where my mother and some of his extended family were born.

All through the conversation I maintained composure, then it was time to go. We said our goodbyes without an exchange of contact numbers. At that time, cellular phones were not predominantly used as it is today, and even if it was, I respected the fact that he was honest enough to let me know he was in a relationship that involves children instead of lying and playing games.

We never saw each other again until 2005 when I came home to visit for six months. At this time he was in a relationship with another woman with a child. We maintained a social relationship until his present girlfriend was told by another that we were seen together. That was when she grew suspicious and left him for good with their child.

The problem I have as a child, and even today, is that from the moment my mother and grandmother found out he had a likeness for me they started to say we are family. I do know that people from that district are related, but my mother and grandmother never once said that we were relatives until then. I knew that my grandmother and a female member of his family that was her neighbour had a close relationship. That's all I know.

Marriage plan

I asked my oldest sister if we are family and her response was almost everyone in that district is family, but she cannot recall them being our family. We are planning to get married, but my mom insists that we are family and that he only wants to marry me for an opportunity to migrate to America. I love my mother dearly and I hate to think she is lying. I also know she has my best interest at heart, but she is one that frequently says negative things about whatever relationship I am involved in.

She does not live in the district anymore, but when she does visit, she always have some form of a 'hearsay' about the man I am contemplating to marry. She calls him a liar and a cheat and that he cannot be committed to one woman. I am in a state of ambiguity. I need to know most of all if we are related before we proceed with marriage. I sincerely feel love for this man, but on the other hand, I do not know if he is using me as a visa out of Jamaica.

He admitted to me that he used to be in relationships with more than one girl at the same time years ago, but that's a thing of the past. He said ever since he had been with his last babymother, he had remained faithful throughout the relationship and that he really wanted to settle with her, but she left him for another because of the rumours. He said what he wants most out of life is to get married and start a business. I could go on elaborating, but let me sum it up. I don't know what to do.

You see, I cannot sit and talk to my mother. We never had a good relationship. I was raped when I was 13 and I never told her or any member of my family even to this day. If I did, it would always been thrown in my face. She noticed that I was not acting like me, but she thought it was due to the passing of my older brother, so she took me to a counsellor. I did not tell the counsellor what happened until one day I went and visit her alone.

Another thing is that in the back of my mind I do not know if I am capable of pleasing a man sexually. I do not get excited for sex and I have never had an orgasm. Quite frankly, to me, sex is like an active range of motion exercise. I am lost. Help me find my way. Help!

K.A., Florida, USA

Dear K.A.,

You are determined to marry this man. You believe him. You despise your mother and reject her advice. You are a grown woman and you can do what-ever you like, but I do not get the impression that you are emotionally stable.

Nevertheless, I ought not to judge you at all and I would suggest that when you are in Jamaica that this man and you seek professional counselling.

Pastor