1. If my heart were a baked potato, Id serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.

2. Your terrible personality isnt so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, its not as terrible as everyone says.

3. Id shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.

4. I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.

5. The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, Im the same way when you dont call when you say you will.

6. I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didnt run screaming. So there.

7. Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.

8. Umm like you and me? Yeah. You and me.

9. You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.

10. You are the hole in my donut.

11. I am the pork, you are the beans.

12. You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts.

13. You are my personal parachute.

14. If you were a margarita, Id drink you by the bucket.

15. I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you.

16. If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, Id lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch.

17. I dont love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.

18. Ill still want to have sex with you even when youre old, fat, and ugly.

19. You had me at Stop following me.

20. Your farts smell like vanilla.

21. Were a two person chain gang.

22. I am valedictorian of the University of You.

23. If you needed a kidney transplant, Id also throw in a bonus lung.

24. The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming *lo** to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight.

25. You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus.

26. While youre in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck.

27. You suck! So good.

28. If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, Id gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.

29. When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? Thats like you.

30. We are totally codependent and I dont want it any other way.

31. This is the happily ever after part of the damn fairy tale, dig?

32. If you were a handful of genital crabs, Id never change my underwear.

33. Im not saying we shouldnt see other people. Im just saying Ill chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat.

34. I am your blank check. Dont bounce me.

35. Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole.

36. If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, Id feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body.

37. If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then Id be the first to stand in line to buy diapers.

38. Youre such a f**king ass***le! And so am I. Lets forgive each other, get drunk, and screw.

39. If I was smart, Id follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner.

40. Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopper Id also buy you a beer and a basket of fries.

41. I wrote you a poem: You walk in beauty like the night/ which means youre the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I dont get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right.

42. Im a grown up and just face the facts that youre my security blanket.

43. You dont know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Lets split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.

44. Not only would I die for you, Id b*t*h slap Satan a good one, too.

45.Look: youre the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while Ill clean my shotgun.

46. Im a junky for your instant messages.

47. I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isnt that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup.

48. Youre my best and only naked friend.

49. Id smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor.

50. Lets set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. Wow wasnt that just like lame movie Reality Bites? Youve never seen it? Its awesome in a totally stupid way.