Elton John goes into a chemist.
Can I have some Vaseline please? he says to the woman behind the counter.
Awww, sore lips? says the woman.
No dear, its for chaps

What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
Slobadan Micokyabic.

Doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck up my arse!
Ill have to give you some cream for that.

Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out.
**********
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. Youve already told her twice.