Dear Santa,

I know you probably wondering why I writing yuh one day after Christmas but after opening mi present dem yestiday, I just had was to write yuh. Santa, mi was a very good girl all year round. Mi listen to mi madda when she talk to mi and mi help out wid di chores dem round de house. Mi even help di neighba pickney dem do fi dem chores tuh. One day mi all help out di old cra**es Mr. George, the blind an cripple one, cra** the road when di odda children dem just ah watch him an dida tek gamble pon what kind of cyar did ah go lick him dung. Santa, dem just lef him deh fi dead, but mi help him out.

Santa mi studied real hard in school this year, so hard till mi all come fuss inna di class. Mi mek it mi duty to be nice and not naughty Santa. Mi was so good. Ah real good girl Santa. Santa when mi write mi Christmas list to yuh dis year, mi ask yuh fi a Barbie princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game, ah cyabbage patch doll and ah monopoly game.

So Santa, how the *lo** claat after reading mi list yuh leave under di Christmas tree ah phukking light up yo-yo, one plastic tea-cup set and ah phukking no name dolly dat look like she have polio and ah dead from AIDS?

Santa is either yuh blind or yuh cyah *lo** claat read!!! Every year mi say mi woulda stop believing in yuh and like ah dyam fool mi always give yuh ah next chance, but not ah phukking-gain, yuh hear mi Santa? Not a *lo**claat. Yuh hear whe mi seh Santa? Yuh phukking fat red ra** yuh.

Yuh see all nex year, yuh betta dont try squeeze yuh big fat thru mi louvres dem, because Santa mi swear mi going phukk yuh up. It going to be mi, yuh and dis sharp *lo** claat knife, so mi can jukk yuh inna yuh belly.

Yuh hear mi sah? Mi ah go stab up yuh *lo**caat.

Imagine, yuh give that likkle c**k eye gyal Sally from cra** di road everything that she ax fah. So much so dat she all nuh have nuh room fi walk round har house.

Yuh see all nex year Santa, mi will be back to mi good old self. Dat's right Santa. Mi naar go giv mi madda nuh trouble or cause nuh havoc roun'ere . And Santa, a goin wait pon you patiently ... mi goin wait pon yuh paitently with ah big *lo** claat rock stone fi yuh backside.

And den when yuh and dem blasted reindeer dat favour some dyam oversize goat wid tree branch ah grow otta dem head top, com ho-ho hoing down pon I old rusty zinc nex Christmas ... BOOP!!!!! Is one ra** lick inna yuh *lo** claat head.

Santa mi goin' done yuh *lo** claat, Memba dat yuh hear Santa. Try Memba dat!!

Love
Likkle Keisha