LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
> has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
> the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
> pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
> A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
> in the back-seat by mistake."
> ________________________________________________________________________
> FAMILY
> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
> 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
> the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
> The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see" She
> starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
> her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> forgetful, knock on wood" She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
> you as soon as I see who's at the door."
> ________________________________________________________________________
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
> day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
> "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
> And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> _______________________________________________________________________
> LITTLE LADY:
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
> she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
> She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
> she said, "Supersex."
> He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
> soup."
> _______________________________________________________________________
> OLD FRIENDS:
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
> had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
> just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
> remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
> _______________________________________________________________________
> SENIOR DRIVING
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
> heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
> Please be careful!"
> "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
> _______________________________________________________________________
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
> woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
> minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
> almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
> was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
> enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
> other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
> three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"