<I know even my gay folks gotta find this funny! 

> 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
> > are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
> > have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
> > the Oprah diet.
> >
> > 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming Homo. A cat is like a
> > dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
> > has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and purrs to be fed.
> > And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said
> > get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...
> > 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,
> > you're so gay.
> >
> > 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, candy baby pacifiers, or
> > any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only
> > sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
> > feet, or TITS. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a
> > fag.
> >
> > 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
> > a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
> > is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
> >
> > 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight
> > man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a
> > Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
> >
> > 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors, or
> > four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might
> > as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
> > space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
> > chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can
> > name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
> > faggadocious.
> >
> > 7. If you drive with both hands on the steering wheel, forget
> > it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on
> > the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest
> > of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
> > hamburger, or hold his beer.
> >
> > 8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email
> > list, because you are afraid of hurting their feelings, then you are
> > definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.