>TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE


>Dear Mr. Thatcher I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for 
>over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the 
>LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse 
>riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and 
>down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be 
>your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart 
>enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't 
>tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little 
>F-16 in my pants.
>Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the 
>curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting 
>right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging 
>through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll 
>be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with 
>knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As brand manager in the 
>feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on 
>what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. 
>Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we 
>endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control 
>behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, 
>only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her 
>boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her 
>he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
>Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is 
>just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the 
>reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful 
>I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always 
>maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 
>"Have a Happy Period."Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any 
>part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual 
>smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did 
>anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
>Well, did it James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, 
>there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack 
>yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so 
>you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a 
>sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, 
>pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a 
>maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually 
>pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? 
>- Or are you just picking on us?
>Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, 
>there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my 
>maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your 
>Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending 
>bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
>
>
>Best, Wendi Aarons