A Week at the Gym
> > >
> > >...If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
> >wrong
> > >with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
>into
> >a
> > >regular workout routine.
> > >
> > >Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
> > >purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for
>me.
> > >Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
> >football
> > >team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
> >give
> > >it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal
> > >trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old
>aerobics
> > >instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
> >seemed
> > >pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to
> > >keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > >MONDAY:
> > >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
> > >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
>for
> > >me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
> >eyes
> > >and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5
> > >minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
> >but
> > >I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
> >I
> > >enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
> > >class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging
> >as
> > >I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it
> >in
> > >the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> > >
> > >TUESDAY:
> > >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
>air,
> > >and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
>it
> > >all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > >WEDNESDAY:
> > >The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
>the
> > >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
>a
> > >hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > >steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >Belinda
> > >was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other
> >club
> > >members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
> > >when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
> >My
> > >chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair
> > >monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > >activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
>help
> > >me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.
> > >
> > >THURSDAY:
> > >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> >being
> > >a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
> >took
> > >me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> >in
> > >the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
> > >me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > >FRIDAY:
> > >I hate that b*t*h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
>any
> > >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> > >little cheerleading b*t*h. If there were a part of my body I could
> >move
> > >without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
> >to
> > >work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
> > >dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs
> >more
> > >than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
> > >and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
> > >the drama coach or the choir director?
> > >
> > >SATURDAY:
> > >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
>shrilly
> > >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
> >straight
> > >hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > >SUNDAY:
> > >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> >and
> > >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
> > >wife (the other b*t*h), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
>a
> > >root canal or a vasectomy.