A blind man walked into a diner and made a strange request to his waiter. He asked if he could have the unwashed fork of the last customer the waiter waited on. The perplexed waiter agreed and handed the blind man the unwashed fork. The blind man proceeded to put it in his mouth and said, "Hmmm, the meatloaf and mashed potatoes are good here. I'll have that." 

The next day, the blind man returned to the diner and did the same thing. Now, on the third day, the waiter saw the blind man coming into the diner. He still didn't believe what the blind man was capable of, and he wanted to trick him. So he quickly grabbed a fork and asked his waitress wife, Jane, to pull down her panties and rub it between her legs. 

When the blind man asked for the fork, the waiter gave him the fork with a big smile on his face. 

The blind man put it in his mouth, and said, "Hmmm, I didn't know Jane worked here."

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarra**ing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. 

The CIA goes in. 

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. 

The FBI goes in. 

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. 

The LAPD goes in. 

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

-- Edited by badlinkz at 03:11, 2009-02-09

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "f**k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarra**ing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

While OJ was being chased down the interstate
He got a call from Rodney King. Rodney said,
"What ever you do don't get out of that truck"
He also got a call from Michael Jackson
Michael said, "What ever happens
I'LL BABY SIT".

There is three black roosters sitting on a fence.

A little boy ask his mom how many feet do those three rossters have?
The mother replies 6

How many eyes do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 6

How many beaks do the three roosters have?
The mother replies 3

How many hairs is on that white cats head sitting by the roosters?
The mother replies i dont know

The son then says "How come you know so much about black c**ks and nothing about white p*u**yy"

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is *lo** all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

life is one big road with a lots sign

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. 

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. 

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager." 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair. 

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." 

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to *u*k them gently. 

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks. 

"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope. 

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" 

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" 

"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?" 

"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity. 

"Okay," moans Grumpy. 

So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves. 

Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any." 

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy f**ked a penguin! Grumpy f**ked a penguin!"

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "Howd you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull shitting on you?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Dat white dude him Raaaaas funny...

Check dis out:

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/mike%2Bstrutter/video/x5zgzp_mike-strutter-smoketank_fun


http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/mike%2Bstrutter/video/x6pv9o_strutter_fun

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
Interesting and sadly rather true.


'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual hara**ment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement..

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'

The following questions were set in last year's CXC/GCSE examinations

These are genuine responses from 16 year olds


Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard & vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep & canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buyinga house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O, U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.


English

Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what youwill be after you are eight.


Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" 

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. 

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" 

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. 

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim 

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." 

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. 

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. 

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" 

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." 

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" 

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. 

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." 

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." 

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!

> > John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same
> > barbershop.
> >  
> > As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
> > barber, not a word was spoken.
> > The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for
> > fear it would turn to politics.
> >  
> > As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who
> > had McCain in his chair reached for the aftershave.
> > McCain was quick to stop him, 'No thanks, my
> > wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a
> > whorehouse.'
> >  
> > The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about
> > you?'
> > Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know
> > what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

http://www.sendspace.com/file/3i13ka

He Pingping from Inner Mongolia, China's autonomous region, the world's smallest man sits underneath Svetlana Pankratova from Russia, the Queen of Longest Legs, as they pose at Trafalgar Square in London, Tuesday, Sept. 16, 2008. Pingping, born with primordial dwarfism, holds the Guinness World Record for the smallest man at 74.61 cms (2 feet and 5.37 inches) and Pankratova holds the Guinness World Record for the longest leg of any woman at 132 cms (4 feet 4 inches) in length.

I could see a standard one student doing something like this, lol

Jamaican lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they

aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial in Brown's Town a prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand mother, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked,

Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded; "Why, yes me know you, Mr. Williams Me know you since
you was a pickney, and frankly, you is a big disappointment to yuh family.
You lie, you cheat on yuh wife, you manipulate people and talk bout dem
behind dem back.

You tink you is a big shot when you no have the brains to realize
yuh never be more dan a two-bit paper pusher.. Yes, me know you!."
The Lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, me know Mr Brady since him was a likkle
bwoy too. Him lazy, bigoted, an him always under him whites.

Him cyaan build a normal relationship with no one and him law
practice is one of the wuss in de entire island. Pon top a dat, him cheat on
him wife with three different woman. One of dem was your missis. Yes, me
know him well"
The defense attorney almost died of embarra**ment.

The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a
very quiet tone of voice, said; "If either of you bastards b*m*o claut ask
her if she knows me, I'll throw your ra** claut in jail for contempt." ,
 

LADY WAS TRAVELLING ALONG CALEDONIA ROAD IN MANDEVILLE WHEN SHE WAS INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A MAN.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/18970837dd567a42/

lmao:

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

Two Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham bush!"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, "Star apples J$100.00 each".

Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?" The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla." The farmer says, "Just turn it around an bite again man." He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.

The farmer says, "Mi have fish an' festival star apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each." The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!." The farmer says, "Just turn it around, man." He does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet crunchy festival fills his mouth.

The farmer nods in approval and says, "Now, if you really like dat, mi 'ave some extra special apples dat cost $500.00 each. They're pum pum apples." "Pum Pum apples?" The man cannot resist and whips out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in disgust, shouting "YUCK, these taste like sh*t!" The farmer cooly responds, "Jus' tun it 'round, man!!"

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office.
"Will you go to bed with me?" he asks.
"No, my husband would not approve," she responds.
"What if I give you $1000?"
"Well for a $1000, I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when he's at work."
So the man shows up the next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did. In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught.

"Was my best friend here today?"
"Yes," his wife replies with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Yes," she replies again, expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"

One day a husband comes homes and finds his wife complain about every thing. She points him to the light in the hall and asks him to fix it, he replies what do I look like to you a con Edison worker? Then she goes to the refrigerator and asks him to fix the door, he says, What am I a G&E operator?

            He gets upset and leaves the house to go get beer in a bar. When he comes home, he see the lights is fine and the refrigerator door open fine, so he goes to his wife and asks, what happen? Everything works, she says, well when you left I sat on the porch crying and this nice gentle man approached me and asked me what was wrong, I told him and he said hell fix everything, but I either gotta bake a cake for him are have sex with him. Then the husband asks, so what kinda cake you baked him? she says, do I look like Betty Crocker?

 

life is one big road with a lots of sign

The Pastor's donkey


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey t hat he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
P ASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

 A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?" 

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh." 

The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small penis. 

The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?" 

The patient then said, "It's swollen."

"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man. 

"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off." 

"Just gimme another drink." 

"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go." 

"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me." 

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned." 

"Thass a great idea!" 

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?" 

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned." 

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!" 

"Oh yeah, he sh*t in my pants, too."

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." 

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." 

"It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors." 

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ." 

"And what is that?" asked the priest. 

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Want to know what a bad day in eden is like  Click here

-- Edited by Kaos at 01:59, 2008-09-18

-- Edited by -M- at 03:13, 2008-09-18

-- Edited by -M- at 03:14, 2008-09-18

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
chemist and buys a pregnancy test.

Confirming her worst fears, the test result is
positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the Mother says, "Who is the
bastard that did this to you? I want to Know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
 
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, & the girl
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000
bank account. He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories & a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will
receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and very decisively tells him,
 
"Den you breed har again..." 

Man + Woman

 

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Profit Deduction

Dumb Boss + Smart employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Over time

    *********************

A man will pay $2.00 for a $ 1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00item that she does not need.

A woman worried about the future until she gets married.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expect he would change, but he doesnt.

A man marries a woman expecting she wont change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. Any married men should forget his mistake. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in a argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

life is one big road with a lots of sign