look at his arms after...hahahahaha

Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'




General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Don't Laugh!!
 
 

 

In theU.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it out to different countries for a test.
 
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves;
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves;
Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves;
Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves;
Trinidad, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

 

I thought I told you not to laugh????????

The 3rd man in history to walk on water  The 1st one was Jesus Christ... The 2nd one was Peter (the Apostle)... Then there was this guy ......Jose

Kinda old though,it come out 2006,but it funny nuh hell,suh check it out! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6D47qlucIwo&feature=related

lol
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=y53Bfol4zao]

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A woman goes into a bar with a little chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog.

 

The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, I dont remember eating that!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIS6_tyz7_k

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Posted here

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

-- Edited by Dj Far_Mah_Cist at 04:09, 2008-10-24

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDDZPUvLnaQ

-- Edited by Krazy at 22:59, 2008-12-01



-- Edited by owadkelly at 11:00, 2008-12-02

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren  and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,  "Does she still have the hiccups?"

http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/27/the-douchiest-phone-message-in-history

1. Tossed Salad Man
2. OJ
3. Blacks
4. Olympics
5. Gun Control
6. The Big Piece Of Chicken
7. Defending Rap
8. The Government Hates Rap
9. Affirmative Action
10. The Church Of The ATM
11. Aids Test
12. Generic Food
13. Fat Black Women
14. Domestic Abuse
15. Platonic Friends
16. Women Lie
17. Never Ask
18. Lending Money
19. Intercourse

http://rapidshare.com/files/77098180/chris_rock.rar




Disc: 1
1. Super Nigger
2. Prison Play
3. Nigger With A Seizure
4. Have Your Ass Home By 11:00
5. Black & White Lifestyles
6. Exorcist
7. Niggers Vs. The Police
8. Wino Dealing With Dracula
9. Wino & Junkie
10. Mudbone-Intro
11. Mudbine-Little Feets
12. When Your Woman Leaves You
13. Cocaine
14. Acid
15. Bicentennial Prayer
16. Bicentennial Nigger

Disc: 2

1. New Year's Eve
2. Discipline
3. Heart Attacks
4. Monkeys
5. Being Sensitive
6. Africa
7. Freebase
8. Hospital
9. I Like Women
10. M.S.


Disc One
http://rapidshare.com/files/77103322/rp_part1.rar


Disc 2
http://rapidshare.com/files/77103972/rp_part2.rar























-- Edited by Shem at 20:56, 2008-12-01

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price betweem male and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."

---

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 04:28, 2008-10-28

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse who noticed his predicament said 'Sir, You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.


What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside..

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.


Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when
he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.


'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN

> >Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
> >A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
> >
> >Q: Why did God give men penises?
> >A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
> >
> >Q: What is an Australian kiss?
> >A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
> >
> >Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
> >A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
> >
> >Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
> >A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?
> >
> >Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
> >A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
> >house and car with them.
> >
> >Q: What's the speed limit of sêx?
> >A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
> >
> >Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
> >A: They don't have balls to scratch.
> >
> >«·´`·.(*·.¸(`·.¸ ¸.·´)¸.·*).·´`·»«·´¨*·.¸¸.«~The
> >Boss~».¸¸.·*¨`·»«·´`·.(¸.·´(¸.·* *·.¸)`·.¸).·´`·»
> >
> >

This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..." At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE PRIME MINISTER OF JAMAICA, Percival James Patterson As of 2001 there will be no more importation of motorcars into Jamaica. I have finalised a deal with the major manufacturers around the world and instead of importing their vehicles into Jamaica and selling them at exorbitant prices we will now be assembling them in Jamaica, under license, then selling them for exorbitant prices. The cars, trucks, busses and vans will all essentially be the same as the manufacturers except for one major difference, these new all Jamaican models will have the names of people, important and significant in Jamaican society both past and present. The first two cars to roll of the production line will be for those two old political adversaries; first the MORRIS MANLEY and secondly the PROTON SEAGA. The SEAGA will be available in green only and won't have a horn but a bell instead. The MANLEY will be available in off white. The next set of cars will come as a gang of five. The CHEVY CHARLES is black with a prominent white streak across the top and comes in African tribal colors. This will be joined by the ISUZU ANDERSON, the VAUXHALL VAZ and the ever popular TOYOTA BARTLETT. There was going to be a fifth called the LADA SAMUDA but we've been terrible trouble with this one as it keeps swinging from side to side. Back and forth and back and forth. There will be a car to commemorate DR. OMAR DAVIES' work in the financial sector. Originally from Germany it'll be known as the AUDI. AUDI backside can anyone afford a car? Actually Omar has worked miracles! Nowadays the cars are worth more than the banks and the banks crash more than the cars. For the man in the street there will be the FIAT UNUH. While for PJ there will be the MITSUBISHI PJERO. For my deputy Prime Minister FOGGY MULLINGS there's one called the SIDEKICK. There will be a pick-up led by the DODGE RAM-TALLIE. And a Motorcycle. The HONDA GOLDING. You'll only get THIRD PARTY INSURANCE on this. There'll be a reproduction car called the NATTY MORGAN. This'll be released ... umm ... sorry, my mistake it's already escaped and been shot. In our agricultural export sector there'll be a car called the Toyota DRUG RUNNER and for the DEA we'll have the NISSAN Gra**FINDER. There will be a line of sports cars led by the PORSCHE SIMPSON followed quickly by the MAZDA MIRAAHTID. There will also be a line of luxury cars. You'll have to be very careful with these as they can siphon away money at a frightening rate and no one has any idea where it has gone. They come with Persian rugs, chandeliers, bra** and gold taps on the basins and mahogany interior woodwork and they will have names like the HONDA CIVIL SERVANT, MITSUBISHI MINISTER OF STATE and farm work special, the JAG SMITH. Last but not least for our two famous founding fathers of politics from Italy the NORMAN MANZERATTI and from Japan the MITSUBISHI BUSTAMANTE

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand c**ks last year."

Husband of the year awards
 
The honorable mention goes to :
 
The   United Kingdom

 
...followed closely by
The   United States of America

 
and then ..........   Poland
 
 

but   3rd Place must go to
.........
Greece
 

 
it was very very close
but the runner up prize
was awarded to....
.............   Serbia
 

but the winner of the
husband/partner of the year
 
......is.......
.........   Ireland
Ya gotta love the Irish.
 
The Irish are true romantics.look, he's even
holding her hand..

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?' 'Very good! And what is it used for?' 'It is used for a headache.' The second pupil said: 'Nytol.' 'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?' 'To help you sleep', replied the student. Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' 'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine. 'It is used for diarrhea.' 'And who told you this, Johnny?' 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe yuh shit will get harder.'' Sister Catherine fainted.

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED ASAP

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six Schitt, were inseparable throughout Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens nuptials."
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarce. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

ITS KINDA LONG BUT ITS THE TRUTH


THE GOOD OLD JAMAICAN DAYS ...

Memba when you do all you homework at school so dat as yuh reach home you ramp so til you hear smadddy shout out "yuh madda a ccooooommme!" and yuh dash inna yuh house and change yuh school uniform as yuh would surely get a beaten fi inna yuh uniform at 6pm.

Memba when yuh go school 7 days a week fi keep yuh outa trouble. Mon - Friday regular school and private lesson, saturday class, and sunday school at church which is a half day affair

Memba if yuh kin poopah lick and bu'st out you pants, yuh get a beaten
Memba 10 cent bulla and jackass corn

Memba when you turn on the tv at 4pm and wait till JBC sign on at 5pm, stand at attention sing the national anthem, and den sit back and watch some cartoon. And dont figet di Big Bwoy story whey you did haffi hide and tell

Memba when yu a come fram school and stop fi pick cherry off Mass John cherry tree and dawg run yu dung

Memba when yu madda sen yu fi tek the clothes fram affa di line but yu wait til night den yu fraid fi go by yuself

Memba when yu fraid fi go a shop by yuself a night because Miss Matty jus' dead and yu tink yu might si har duppy

Memba when yu and yu fren dem decide seh unu a go run a boat, the biggest cart wheel dumplin yu eva si!

Memba when coming fram school ina di rain and yu tek off yu shoes and walk barefoot all the way home a race board horse inna di gutter water

Memba when dem use fi gi weh free milk powder and bulga rice a school, an' yu play milk powder war all the way home

Memba when dem good rice and peas and chicken Sunday dinna with a nice refreshing glass ah carrot juice

Memba when yu 'ave roast breadfruit and ackee and salt fish breakfast jus' barely a day afta yu Saturday Peas soup wid cho-cho, turnip, carrot an' punkin

Memba when teacha beat yu because yu neva do yu homework

Memba marning time when yu reach a school jus in time fi devotion and yu betta mek sure yu ave yu hym book and yu bible, yu pleat dem betta in order and yu khaki well starch

Memba dem good ole starch uniform ( coudda stan up by demself ) and yu nice shine brown or black shoes

Memba when yu madda use fi seh "Go pick a switch mek a beat yu"

Memba Christmas time when everybody a mek a suit fi gran market night, mama stay up a bake cake, draw sorrell, cook curry goat, don't figet the case a D&G soda and red stripe beer weh unda the bed

Memba when a ginnep seed fly dung yu throat and smaddy 'ave fi lick yu back fi mek it fly back up

Memba when yu swallow chewing gum & dem seh yu ago ded cause it ago tie up yu tripe Memba a come fram school and stap fi get the last piece a Miss Brown toeto and a sky juice

Memba dem seh nuh buy nuh sky juice fram Mr. Tom because 'im ave sore foot

Memba when dem seh nuh buy bun & cheeze from juicie cause him use di knife cut & clean him toenail

Memba saving part a lunch money fi buy ice cream fram creamy weh come pan Sunday

Memba a fling stone fi lick dung ginnep and the stone bus yu bredda head

Memba the peanut man ... the jackfruit lady ... the orange man ... the sarda-pan man

Memba a play marble wid yu bredren dem

Memba a go a bush wid yu fadda

Memba a go undaneat the cellar fi the fowl egg (yes I do)

Memba a jump rope wid yu fren dem ... One two Beeny ... lick im mek im feel eh, mek im know yu mean eh, yu mean eh, yu mean eh

Memba playing "Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack, All Dressed In Black Black Black"

Memba a kick foot ball wid yu fren dem roun' a ball grong

Memba when Cristmus come and we watch JohnCunu jump up and down and we get fraid?

Memba yu madda sen yu go a shop and yu sing the list all the way deh ... "one pint milk, one bread, 1 lb a flour. But when yu reach deh, yu tell the shop keeper yu want "1 pint of bread, 1 lb of milk & a flour

Memba when yu last yu madda money and yu fraid fi go back home because she might beat yu

Memba settin up the roosta dem fi fight

Memba all dem good duppy story, and nancy story wi 'ear growing up

Memba how yu use to fraid fi walk a night cause yu tink sey black-heart-man woulda tek yu weh

Memba when bokkle cut yu foot bottam dung a gully

Memba when yu use to stone Missa Smith mango tree dem, and we use to tink seh him have gun

Memba when yu left all day and go a rivva an go cook and when yu come come yu get a beaten

Memba when yu unifarm get dirty Monday marning, and Yu madda beat yu ina di evening

If you memba all the above THEN YOU OLD NO RATHID!

the lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuffi want nutting  
ah him a prevent mi from tell people bout dem *lo**cl@@t everyday  
ah him a gimmie peace,when ra** madness a gwan `roun mi.  
ah him remind mi fi pray and do everything without complaining or kissing mi teet.  
 
ah him remind mi dat ah him a mi source, not mi job, but likkle more pay woulda nice.  
ah him a stop mi from mad a daytime  
ah him a prevent mi from shoot up di whole ra** place , an tun all mi supervisor dem inna some *lo**cl@@t duppy,so mi nuh haffie go a prison and live `mongst dem man deh or get heng to ra**.  
 
ah him claim mi as fi him own , even when di company a treten fi fiah mi , an` mi treten dem back fi light one fiah an` bun di whole ra** place flat a grung.  
 
fi him faithfulness and love betta dan any bonus and cheque , but yuh see mi , a cheque woulda help out sometime. fi him retirement plan betta dan any pension plan outta road.  
but mek anybody try rob dis pu$$yhole place yah and yuh see wah happen out yah tideh. SOMEBODY BETTA PU$$YCL@@T RUN TO *lo**CL@@t.  
 
when ouno done talk , ah me ago wuk fi him ,fi one long ra** time.  
suh tank yuh lawd.  
 
AND HIGHLY BLESS!!!  

Big boy went to school and heard other students using 'raas'; not knowing what it means he went home and said to his mother, "mama wat raas mean?"

His mother replied "is di ting whey yuh fada heng im hat pan."

The next day Big boy heard the word 'f**kin' being used. He went home and asked his father this time what it means. His father replied, "Dat a jus when u a put on clothes fi go somewhere."

Big Boy heard yet another word, 'b*m*o', so he went home and asked his parents what it means and was told that 'b*m*o' is a walking stick.

It was now Sunday and pastor stopped by to give Big Boy and his parents a lift to church. When pastor saw that only Big Boy was ready to go he asked, "Where are your parents boy?"

Big Boy replied, "Them upstairs f**kin so come een an put yuh hat pan dah raas deh an lean up yuh b*m*o right deh suh!"

why are hurricane name after women because they come wet and wild and leave with your house and car.

A newlywed Trini couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies so he said to his new wife, 'Baby, ah coming back.'  
 
'Where yuh going, honey bunny?' asked the wife.  
 
'Ah going by de bar, dahlin. Ah going and drink a beer.'  
 
'The wife said, 'Yuh want a beer, my love?'
 
 She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Trinidad & Tobago, Germany, Jamaica, Holland, Guyana, Japan, America, etc.
 
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,  
 
'Yes, sweetness...but by de bar...yuh know...dey have frozen glasses...'
 
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'Yuh want a frozen glass, puppy face?'  
 
 She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
 
 The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, chunkulunks, but by de bar dey have dem cutters that does go down REAL good... Ah wouldn't be long, ah coming back now. Ah promise. OK?'
 
You want cutters, doo-doo?' She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different cutters: chicken wings, geera pork, fried wantons etc.
 
'But pumpkin... By de bar... Yuh know...the atmosphere nah.....it have cussin, dirty words and all that...'
 
'Yuh want cussin sugar plum?  Drink yuh f**kin beer in yuh mudda ras, frozen glass and eat yuh f***in cutters right dey.  Yuh marrid now, and yuh ain't goin no f***in where without me!  Not ah f**k at dat! Feel yuh f***in smart!   
 
 
........and, they lived happily ever after

A mother and her 5yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."