Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided to go and check his mail. The next thing he knows, a beautiful woman is standing in front of him and she has a robe on and she opens it and the man notices she has nothing on underneath. He tries to keep eye contact with the girl while she is talking to him. All of a sudden she says, I hear someone coming, let's go in my apartment.
When they get in to her apartment, she lets her robe fall to the ground and asks the man, Which part of my body do you like the best? The guy replies, Your ears.
So she gets mad and asks, Why my ears!? Look at this body! It's perfect! Look at these breasts -- they're real and they're mine! Look at this butt -- it's hard and firm! So why my ears? The guy says, Well, because the person you heard coming was me!
When they get in to her apartment, she lets her robe fall to the ground and asks the man, Which part of my body do you like the best? The guy replies, Your ears.
So she gets mad and asks, Why my ears!? Look at this body! It's perfect! Look at these breasts -- they're real and they're mine! Look at this butt -- it's hard and firm! So why my ears? The guy says, Well, because the person you heard coming was me!
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=aRn5-LQCg2s&feature=channel]
DWLLLLLLLLLLLLLL HOOD RAT WHITE GYAL!!!!!!!!!! FUNNY NUH HELLL!!!!!!!!!!!
December 16, 2008
Started By mrs kalongi — 24 Comments
I wah Know if dem thing yah Really Happen? Funny Vid
December 22, 2008
Started By tajge — 5 Comments
There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
60 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN LMAOOOOOOOO AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA RO
October 24, 2008
Started By mizz_backas — 21 Comments
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:
The first son said, 'Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama.'
The second son said, 'Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver'
The third smiled and said, 'Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it.'
Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:
'Milton,' she wrote one son, 'A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house.'
'Winston,' she wrote to another, 'Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!'
'Dearest Delroy,' she wrote to her third son, 'you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:
The first son said, 'Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama.'
The second son said, 'Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver'
The third smiled and said, 'Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it.'
Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:
'Milton,' she wrote one son, 'A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house.'
'Winston,' she wrote to another, 'Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!'
'Dearest Delroy,' she wrote to her third son, 'you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious
African King Of Comedy- Michael K. Blackson - Moda*u*ka.............ZONE CHECK DISS OUT.............DISS MADDDDDD LOLZ!!
December 19, 2008
Started By Klanz Man — 15 Comments
http://www.zshare.net/audio/52998358f075d227/
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're hot and we want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise the lord and worship."
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot and we want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're hot and we want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise the lord and worship."
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot and we want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
New Truck
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
'Shabba, where'd you get that truck?!?'
'Wendy gave it to me' Shabba replied.
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
'Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Shabba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!'
'Shabba, you're a smart man!'
'Them clothes woulda never fit you!'
Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell c**k in the air" replies the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell c**k in the air" replies the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
So these photos were taken by me at about 7:30am after an all nighter & a 20km+ walk. I stopped at a cafe for some water & saw these signs on the pole where i was sitting for awhile...
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
* You can become an engineer if u study in Engineering college .. U cannot become a president if u study in Presidency College !
* You can expect a BUS from a BUS stop... You cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop.
* A mechanical engineer can become a mechanic but a software engineer cannot become a software!
* You can find keys in Key board but you cannot find mother in mother board.
* You can study and get any certificates. .. But you cannot get your death certificate.
* You can expect a BUS from a BUS stop... You cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop.
* A mechanical engineer can become a mechanic but a software engineer cannot become a software!
* You can find keys in Key board but you cannot find mother in mother board.
* You can study and get any certificates. .. But you cannot get your death certificate.
Therapy session with Mothers and their children!!1
December 22, 2008
Started By River$Ide — 2 Comments
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dickson, let's go."
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dickson, let's go."
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eaybOwDhJZo&feature=related]
-- Edited by Jayvanni at 21:52, 2008-12-19
-- Edited by Jayvanni at 21:52, 2008-12-19
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. 'St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Agatha! What seems to be the rush ?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Bernadette sticks her ass in it.'
She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'
St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. 'St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Agatha! What seems to be the rush ?'
The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Bernadette sticks her ass in it.'
LOL THIS IS WAT VICTORIA WAS KEEPING A SECRET 
SOME THINGS THEY WEAR AND CALL IT FASHION...CELEBRITIES
MONIFA AND SHAVON FIGHT FUNNY NUH f**k,,,,,,,,, THIS IS A MUST SEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
December 20, 2008
Started By Gangsta Natz — 2 Comments
'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fpgL5kuBpMA]
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room>
221.'
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarra**ed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what
happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a> jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the
little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee> and the other is in your oatmeal
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=V55Zq5whVCI]
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go]
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson
in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and
wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of one of his customers. A beautiful 20 year-old woman answers the door in nothing but a transparent nightie and asks him what she can do to help him. He tells her that she owes him for four weeks' bill and that he needs the money. She wanted to know how much she owes him and he figures that, at four dollars a week for four weeks, she owes him 16 dollars. She told him that she doesn't have the 16 bucks but she will take him to bed and promise to make his teeth sweat. The kid figures, what the hell and follows her into the house.
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out styrofoam spacers and starts to slide them over his penis to make it shorter. The girl says to him Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that! He looks up at her out of one eye and says ''Not for 16 dollars!
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out styrofoam spacers and starts to slide them over his penis to make it shorter. The girl says to him Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that! He looks up at her out of one eye and says ''Not for 16 dollars!
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in
and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk
containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing
bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana
does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash
utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in
and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk
containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing
bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana
does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash
utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb4h_C6H6Bw]
-- Edited by Jayvanni at 22:10, 2008-12-17
-- Edited by Jayvanni at 22:10, 2008-12-17
ChildrenAreQuick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplications on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . .. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father'scherrytree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplications on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . .. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father'scherrytree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=H3S6-RPDuR8&feature=rec-HM-rev-rn]
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=614033
this thread got over 1 million views, they make fun over a guy for about 3 years now. read at least the first page lololol..they photoshop him till today
-- Edited by vybzaddict at 00:37, 2008-07-27
-- Edited by vybzaddict at 00:37, 2008-07-27
There was this Indian who just came back from a war. He needed something to do or, more accurately, someone to do. So he goes to a whorehouse and the madam asks, Do you have money? The Indian responds, Me have money. The madam asks, Do you have experience? The Indian shakes his head no and the madam tells him, Come back with some experience.
So the Indian is wandering around the woods, wondering where he is going to get experience. He then sees a small hole in a tree. He sticks it in the hole, does his business and goes back to the whorrehouse. The madam asks Do you have money? The Indian responds, Me have money. The madam asks, Do you have experience? The Indian says, Me have a little experience.
The madam directs him to a door and, when the Indian walks in he sees a girl on the bed. He picks her up, turns her around, and kicks her square in the ass. The girl exclaims, Why did you do that?! He replies, I have to make sure you don't have bees in you!
So the Indian is wandering around the woods, wondering where he is going to get experience. He then sees a small hole in a tree. He sticks it in the hole, does his business and goes back to the whorrehouse. The madam asks Do you have money? The Indian responds, Me have money. The madam asks, Do you have experience? The Indian says, Me have a little experience.
The madam directs him to a door and, when the Indian walks in he sees a girl on the bed. He picks her up, turns her around, and kicks her square in the ass. The girl exclaims, Why did you do that?! He replies, I have to make sure you don't have bees in you!
A man is sleeping in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock: its half past three in the morning. Im not getting out of bed at this time, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
Arent you going to answer that? his wife asks.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing right there. It didnt take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
Hi there. slurs the stranger. Can you give me a push?
No, get lost, its half past three. I was in bed. says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, Dave, that wasnt very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that mans house to get us started again? What would have happened if hed told us to get lost?
But the guy is drunk. says the husband.
It doesnt matter. says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do.
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: Hey, do you still want a push? And he hears a voice cry out, Yeah please.
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: Where are you?
And the stranger replies, Im over here, on your swing.
DI RASTA MAN AND HIM "BIRD" lol lol lol dwl.... funny
September 3, 2008
Started By Gangsta Natz — 7 Comments
A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the
Newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, 'Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?'
Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened.
The Rasta said, 'Mi noh kno. I mon was lying on de beach, dis likkle
gal axe me a question, den I mon mussah doze off an next ting I mon deh ya.'
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her,
'What did you do to that naked Rasta?'
After a pause, the girl replied, 'Me neva do nutten to him, nutten at all.
Me a play wid him bird an it spit pon me.
So, me bruk it neck, crack it two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!'
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the
Newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, 'Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?'
Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened.
The Rasta said, 'Mi noh kno. I mon was lying on de beach, dis likkle
gal axe me a question, den I mon mussah doze off an next ting I mon deh ya.'
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her,
'What did you do to that naked Rasta?'
After a pause, the girl replied, 'Me neva do nutten to him, nutten at all.
Me a play wid him bird an it spit pon me.
So, me bruk it neck, crack it two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!'
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=H3S6-RPDuR8&feature=rec-HM-rev-rn]
hahahahahahahaha
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of
their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike makes a point
of visiting him every day.
"Joe," Mike says one day, "we have both loved rugby all our lives.
We've played club and provincial rugby and, although neither of
us made the All Blacks, we have had a wonderful time right up to
the Golden Oldies grade which we enjoyed the last few years,
haven't we? Please, if nothing else, do me one favour. When you
get to Heaven, somehow you must get in touch and let me know if
the great game is played there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed.
"Mike, you've been my best friend for many, many years. If it's at all
possible, I will certainly do this small favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passed away.
A week or so later, around midnight, Mike is awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out
to him.
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike, sitting up suddenly.
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You can't be Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"My God, Joe, it is you. I recognise your voice. Where are you?"
"In Heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really, really good news but also
a little bit of bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that, yes, there is rugby football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends and team mates who died before us are
here, too. And, even better than that, we're all young again. Better
still,believe it or not, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play all the footy we want, and we never get
tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're playing Tuesday."
their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike makes a point
of visiting him every day.
"Joe," Mike says one day, "we have both loved rugby all our lives.
We've played club and provincial rugby and, although neither of
us made the All Blacks, we have had a wonderful time right up to
the Golden Oldies grade which we enjoyed the last few years,
haven't we? Please, if nothing else, do me one favour. When you
get to Heaven, somehow you must get in touch and let me know if
the great game is played there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed.
"Mike, you've been my best friend for many, many years. If it's at all
possible, I will certainly do this small favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passed away.
A week or so later, around midnight, Mike is awakened from a
sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out
to him.
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike, sitting up suddenly.
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You can't be Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"My God, Joe, it is you. I recognise your voice. Where are you?"
"In Heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really, really good news but also
a little bit of bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that, yes, there is rugby football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends and team mates who died before us are
here, too. And, even better than that, we're all young again. Better
still,believe it or not, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play all the footy we want, and we never get
tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're playing Tuesday."
-- Edited by Jayvanni at 00:42, 2008-12-10
|
No New Posts | 
|
New Posts |
|
Topic is Closed | 
|
Sticky |