Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
On the night of a Halloween costume party
July 29, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 2 Comments
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-p*u**y, I going as a dictator".
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many years.
July 29, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 5 Comments
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"
The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
A man sunbathes in di nude and ends up burnin him buddy.
His doctor tells him he can ease di pain by dippin it in a saucer of cold milk.
Later his blonde wife comes home an finds him with his buddy in a saucer of cold milk
Good heavens, she remarks
" i always wondered how yuh reloaded those things"
His doctor tells him he can ease di pain by dippin it in a saucer of cold milk.
Later his blonde wife comes home an finds him with his buddy in a saucer of cold milk
Good heavens, she remarks
" i always wondered how yuh reloaded those things"
J oke 2
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and *u*k 'em dry!"
Joke 1
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A man's desires
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious; she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious; she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But another screaming voice in his head would bring him back to
reality,
shouting:
Dave...............
Dave................
Dave................
You're a f**king vet!
long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But another screaming voice in his head would bring him back to
reality,
shouting:
Dave...............
Dave................
Dave................
You're a f**king vet!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the rece ption was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's
done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?',
No not really, sir... 'They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are'.
Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'
That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's
done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?',
No not really, sir... 'They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are'.
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "f**k". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language , "f**k" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John f**ked Mary) and intransitive(Mary was f**ked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a f**k), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f**k), and adverb (Mary is f**king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f**k).
It can also be used as an interjection (f**k! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be ued as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f**k she's also stupid).
As you can see there are very words with the overall versitility of the word f**k.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings........."How the f**k are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got f**ked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, f**k it!
4. Trouble............."I guess I'm f**ked now."
5. Agression........."f**k YOU!"
6. Disgust................"f**k me."
7. Confusion............." What the f**k....?"
8. Displeasure............"f**king shit man..."
9. Lost........................"where the f**k are we?"
10.Disbelief.............."UNf**kINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation............."Up your f**king ass!"
12.Apathy................."Who really gives a f**k?"
13.Suspicion............."Who the f**k are you?"
14.Directions.............."f**k off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERf**kER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four f**king twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a f**king asshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the f**k was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~
"Thats not a real f**king gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the f**k is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the f**k is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna f**king roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any f**king idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so f**king look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the f**king celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"f**k a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big f**king problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
In language , "f**k" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John f**ked Mary) and intransitive(Mary was f**ked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a f**k), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f**k), and adverb (Mary is f**king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f**k).
It can also be used as an interjection (f**k! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be ued as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f**k she's also stupid).
As you can see there are very words with the overall versitility of the word f**k.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings........."How the f**k are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got f**ked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, f**k it!
4. Trouble............."I guess I'm f**ked now."
5. Agression........."f**k YOU!"
6. Disgust................"f**k me."
7. Confusion............." What the f**k....?"
8. Displeasure............"f**king shit man..."
9. Lost........................"where the f**k are we?"
10.Disbelief.............."UNf**kINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation............."Up your f**king ass!"
12.Apathy................."Who really gives a f**k?"
13.Suspicion............."Who the f**k are you?"
14.Directions.............."f**k off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERf**kER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four f**king twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a f**king asshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the f**k was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~
"Thats not a real f**king gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the f**k is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the f**k is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna f**king roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any f**king idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so f**king look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the f**king celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"f**k a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big f**king problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
ATTORNEY: 86(of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for *lo** pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
ATTORNEY: 86(of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for *lo** pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
Girl--------"Forgive me father for I have sinned"
Priest---- "What have you done my child?"
Girl--------"I called a man a son of a b*t*h."
Priest----"Why did you call him a son of a b*t*h?"
Girl------- "Because he touched my hand."
Priest----"Like this?"(as he touched her hand)
Girl-------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a b*t*h."
Girl------"Then he touched my breast."
Priest---"Like this?"(as he touched her breast)
Girl------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h."
Girl-------"Then he took off my clothes; father."
Priest---"Like this?(as he takes off her clothes)
Girl-------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h."
Girl------"Then he stuck his "you know what into my "you know where"
Priest---"Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what into her "you know where")
Girl------"YES FATHER; YEES FATHER; YEES FAAAATHER!!"
Priest---"(after a few minutes)Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h"
Girl------"But father he had AIDS!
Priest---"SHIT! THAT SON OF A b*t*h!!!
Priest---- "What have you done my child?"
Girl--------"I called a man a son of a b*t*h."
Priest----"Why did you call him a son of a b*t*h?"
Girl------- "Because he touched my hand."
Priest----"Like this?"(as he touched her hand)
Girl-------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a b*t*h."
Girl------"Then he touched my breast."
Priest---"Like this?"(as he touched her breast)
Girl------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h."
Girl-------"Then he took off my clothes; father."
Priest---"Like this?(as he takes off her clothes)
Girl-------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h."
Girl------"Then he stuck his "you know what into my "you know where"
Priest---"Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what into her "you know where")
Girl------"YES FATHER; YEES FATHER; YEES FAAAATHER!!"
Priest---"(after a few minutes)Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h"
Girl------"But father he had AIDS!
Priest---"SHIT! THAT SON OF A b*t*h!!!
While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there
is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they
had
while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises
to
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose
your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would
be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls
from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning... Today you voted!
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there
is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they
had
while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy
who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises
to
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose
your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would
be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls
from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning... Today you voted!
One day a Policeman was directing traffic atHalf-Way-Tree and every minute this madman ran up to him and say,"Officer wha time yu hav." So the police
keep running him and say "yu naa go no way so stop ask mi di time"
But the Madman kept on coming back, so the Police got
fed up and say "ah 2:30"
The madman then say to the Police "when a 3 o'clock come suck out mi Batty hole" The Police got vex and started running after the madman
wid his batten. The madman lost him round a corner near Missa Chin shop.
The Police ask Missa Chin, yu see a Madman run pass ya?
Missa Chin say, no, but a wha im do yu? di Police say,"him no see mi a direct traffic round so and come talk say mi fi come suck im Batty hole when 3 o'clock come"
Missa Chin look pan him watch and say "But no jus 1/4 to 3!! Wha happen, yu cyaan wait??"
A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and
broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for
a job, any job. Finally he got to the Zoo. The Zookeeper looked stressed
out. 'The monkey escaped last night', the Zookeeper said, 'If you are
willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple
days, I'll pay you.' The Jamaican immediately accepted.>> The pay was OK
and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him
fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started
adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon
he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean outof the
monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door. The lion let out a
huge roar and our friend in the monkey> suit bawl out,> 'LAWD GOD, ME DED
NOW!'>> The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat
and whispered, 'Man shut yuh mout nuh, suh we can keep di likkle wuk!'
-- Edited by owadkelly at 14:14, 2009-01-07
broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for
a job, any job. Finally he got to the Zoo. The Zookeeper looked stressed
out. 'The monkey escaped last night', the Zookeeper said, 'If you are
willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple
days, I'll pay you.' The Jamaican immediately accepted.>> The pay was OK
and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him
fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started
adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon
he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean outof the
monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door. The lion let out a
huge roar and our friend in the monkey> suit bawl out,> 'LAWD GOD, ME DED
NOW!'>> The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat
and whispered, 'Man shut yuh mout nuh, suh we can keep di likkle wuk!'
-- Edited by owadkelly at 14:14, 2009-01-07
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of
highway when he
notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on
without second
thought....Soon he sees another sign which
reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs
are for real and
drives past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he
pulls into the drive.
On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building
with a small sign
next to the
door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The
door is answered by
a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the
highway and was
interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He
is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite
disoriented.
The nun
stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this
door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit
holding a tin cuP
answers the
door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100
in the cup then
go through
the large wooden door at the end of the
hallway." He puts $100
in the cup,
eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling
it shut
behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in
the parking lot
facing another
sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF
ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
GET DI ROOSTER CROSS...ANGRY...MISERABLE
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger >than the Barbecue grill ."
Yes, I was Right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed,the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage ?
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
Yes, I was Right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed,the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
check dis shit out yall......if this aint funny..i dunno what iz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNHY2qIKmo4
An MBA(Master in Business Administration) and a BE(Bachelor Of Engineering) went on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute...
"Astronomically speaking......, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically........, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise......, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically......., it`s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically........, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
And finally asks...What does it tell you?
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks...
..
..
..
..
"Practically..........Someone has stolen our tent".
Some hours later, the BE wakes his MBA friend. "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute...
"Astronomically speaking......, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically........, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise......, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically......., it`s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically........, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
And finally asks...What does it tell you?
The BE is silent for a moment, then speaks...
..
..
..
..
"Practically..........Someone has stolen our tent".
He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said, "You wear pants don't you?"
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"
He said, "What have you been doing with the grocery money I gave you?"
She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
He said, "Why don't women blink during foreplay?"
She said, "Thay don't have time."
He said, "How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?"
She said, "We don't know; it's never been done."
He said, "Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?"
She said, "They already have boyfriends."
He said, "Why are MARRIED women heavier than SINGLE women?"
She said, "Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to the fridge."
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS:
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. -- To a female a THINGY is any part under a car's hood.
To a male a THINGY is the strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj. -- To a female being VULNERABLE is to fully open up one's self emotionally to another.
To a man being VULNERABLE is playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-Kay-shon) n. -- To a female, COMMUNICATION is the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
To a male COMMUNICATION is leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. -- To a female, COMMITMENT is a desire to get married and raise a family.
To a male, COMMITMENT is trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. -- To a female, ENTERTAINMENT is a good movie, concert, play or book.
To a male, ENTERTAINMENT is anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. -- To a female, FLATULENCE is an embarassing byproduct of indigestion.
To a male, FLATULENCE is a source of entertainment, male bonding and self-expression.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. -- To a female MAKING LOVE is the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
A male's definitionA of MAKING LOVE? "Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it."
8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n. -- To a female a REMOTE CONTROL is a device for changing from one TV channel to another.
To a male a REMOTE CONTROL is a device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
In America the 'hood is where you come from, where i come from the hood is where you...cum from
As Ben Franklin said 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.' In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.
(((RING RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout
to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...I think I have the wrong
number!!*
-----------------------------------------------------------------
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout
to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...I think I have the wrong
number!!*
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-5
for help. Within a minute MI-5 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-5
for help. Within a minute MI-5 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
---------------------------------------------------------------
what did the right butt cheak say to the left butt cheak? dont talk to the guy in the middle he's an asshole
Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b*t*h to death with the chair!"
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b*t*h to death with the chair!"
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk whats up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldnt find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once." "Laxatives wont cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. Hes afraid to cough."
__________________
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to
help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in
first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on
the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here."
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to
help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the
crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in
first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on
the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here."
Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob?
Cause everybody gets a turn.
--------------------------------
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
----------------------------------
What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
--------------------------------
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.
------------------------------
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
Cause everybody gets a turn.
--------------------------------
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
----------------------------------
What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
--------------------------------
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.
------------------------------
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
Well if u loved serie LOST this will remind u on tem but its litle bit difrent but i think its very funny :)
http://fliiby.com/file/13785/7dse8cpbrf.html
http://fliiby.com/file/13785/7dse8cpbrf.html
Drunk Animals!!! I should think some of you lot might know what this feels like going home on a friday/saturday night>
LMAO.
(1min 30sec) Enjoy
http://video.google.ca/videoplay?doc...can&plindex=56
LMAO.(1min 30sec) Enjoy
http://video.google.ca/videoplay?doc...can&plindex=56
one day a mother n her son was takintg a bath so the son turn to the mother n ask wat is dat thing surrounded by hair in front u the mother replied n said its di vigina otherwise known as p*u**yy so di son say ohh!! so one day di boy father was taking a bath n he decides to go take a shower with him so he went into the bathroom n said dad wat is dat long thing surrounded by hair di father replied (GUH WEH BOY N COME OUTTA DI BATHROOM) THE SON REPLIED (GUH WEH MAN U p*u**yY LONG NO WAH)
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
You will die from laughter this site has gotta be one of the weirdest ones I have ever seen,
They use the format of Wikipedia sites !
Here is the address:
http://uncyclopedia.org
show pages that u find funny here!
A fe me "cyar."
Translation: "It's my car."
"Mi a go lef tiday."
Translation: "I am leaving today."
"Im too haad eaize."
Translation: "He/She is too stubborn."
"Axe har de question."
Translation: "Ask her the question."
"Im badda dan dem." "Nuh bodda mi."
Translation: "He is worse than they are." "Don't bother me."
"Bare dog dung inna dat yard."
Translation: "There are only dogs in that yard."
"No bodda bawl im soon cum bak."
Translation: "Don't bother crying he'll soon be back."
"Sell mi wan bokkle a iyl."
Translation: "Sell me a bottle of oil."
"Dat a mi bredda."
Translation: "That is my brother."
"Is who bruk de bokkle a iyl?"
Translation: "Who broke the bottle of oil?"
"Coodeh, yuh see de big bud eena de tree?"
Translation: "Look at the big bird in the tree."
"Bwaay! Mi did tink de test wudda eazy."
Translation: "Boy! I though that test would have been easy.
"The parson sey de marriage cerfitikit soon cum inna de mail."
Translation: "The pastor said that the marriage certificate will be coming soon in the mail."
"Mi love chaklit cake with nuff icenin."
Translation: "I love chocolate cake with plenty of icing."
"Mi a go bak a wuk pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I am going back to work on Tuesday."
"Di chuck want tree new tyres."
Translation: "The truck will need three new tires."
"Cuyah, she gwan lak she nice eee?"
Translation: "Look at that, she acts like she is so nice."
"Chobble nuh nice." "Yuh inna big chobble."
Translation: "Trouble is not nice." "You are in big trouble."
"Mi cyan 'elp yuh wit dat problem."
Translation : "I cannot help you with that problem."
"Mi like yuh cris cyar."
Translation :"I like your new car."
"Yuh did see dat?" "A who dat?"
Translation: "Did you see that?" "Who is that?"
"Dat dawta pretty lakka money." "A fi mi dawta."
Translation: "That daughter is pretty like money." "Is my daughter."
"Mista Brown dawg bite mi."
Translation: "Mr. Brown's dog bit me."
"De bwoy dem teif di bleach outta de wata."
Translation: "The boys stole the bleach out of the water."
"Dem a wan no good bunch."
Translation: "They are a no good bunch."
"Mi did de deh pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I was there on Tuesday."
"Dis cyar a my own."
Translation: "This car is mine."
"Yuh nuh dun yet?"
Translation: "You have not finished yet?"
"A di dutty duppy man dweet."
Translation: "The dirty ghost did it."
"Ef yuh chobble 'im, me a guh bax yuh".
Translation"If you trouble him, I am going to hit you."
"Ello, mi can help yuh wid someting?"
Translation: "Hello, can I help you with something?"
"Di wola dem a me fambly."
Translation: "All of them are my family."
"Yuh tuh fass and facety."
Translation: "You are too inquisitive and fresh."
"Yuh 'ave any flim lef inna de camera?"
Translation: "Do you have any film left in the camera?"
"She a mi bess bess fren."
Translation: "She is my best friend."
"Galang bout yuh business."
Translation: "Go along about your business."
"Gimme wan tall glass a wata please."
Translation: "Give me a tall glass of water please."
"Mass Garden a plant flowas inna de gyarden."
Translation: "Mr. Gordon is planting flowers in the garden."
"Who hav mi watch?"
Translation: "Who has my watch?"
"Mi bak a hat mi."
Translation: "My back is hurting me."
"Is which wan a oonu nyam mi hegg?"
Translation: "Which one of you ate my egg?"
"Im sey yuh fi bring di ting."
Translation: "He or She said you were to bring the thing."
"A wan irie likkle place."
Translation: "It's a very nice place."
"Mi need sum iyl fi fry de fish."
Translation: "I need some oil to fry the fish."
"Mi len out de money an noh mi inna wan jam."
Translation: "I lent out some money and now I am in some trouble."
"Jesum Peeze, a cyan bleve dat mi lose de game."
Translation: "Oh my Gosh or Wow a can't believe I lost that game."
"Is you cawz de accident."
Translation: "You are the one that caused the accident."
"Yu can cyarri dis cow pan yuh chuck?"
Translation: "Can you carry this cow on your truck?"
"An a jus lass nite mi di deh."
Translation: "And it was just last night I was there."
"A lang time mi dey inna dis yah lang line."
Translation: "Its been a long time since I have been in this long line."
"Lawd 'ave mercy pan Miss Percy."
Translation: "Lord have mercy on Miss Percy."
"Lef mi nuh."
Translation: "Leave me alone."
"De bwoy a de biggest liad."
Translation: "The boy is a big liar."
"Im get wan big lick fram de teacha."
Translation: "He got a big hit from the teacher."
"Beg a likkle bokkle ah milk."
Translation: "I asking for a little bottle of milk."
"Mi madda sey yuh fi lef mi."
Translation: "My mother said that you are to leave me alone."
"Ole still, mi si wan big maskitta pan yu foot."
Translation: "Hold still, I see a big mosquito on your foot."
"Im mek up im mind areddy."
Translation: "He made up his mind already."
"Tek de neegle an sew de peeca clawt."
Translation: "Take the needle and sew the piece of cloth."
"De nex time mi will buy."
Translation: "The next time I will buy."
"How yuh nyam summuch?"
Translation: "How do you eat so much?"
"Put de bag unda de seat."
Translation: "Put the bag under the seat."
"Mi ah de ongle one dat did stay till it dun."
Translation: "I was the only one that stayed till it was finished."
"Is dat ooman deh did tek mi money."
Translation: "That is the woman that took my money."
"Ooo goes dere?"
Translation: "Who goes there?"
"Yu ave any callaloo?"
Translation: "Do you have any callaloo?"
"Is Mista Garden pickney dem."
Translation: "It is Mr. Gordon's children."
"Mi wud radda yu nuh chat to mi."
Translation: "I would rather you not talk to me."
"See yu pan Satday."
Translation: "See you on Saturday."
"Put de sinting inna de bag."
Translation: "Put the something in the bag."
"Smaddy tell mi sey yuh did a chat bout mi."
Translation: "Somebody told me you were talking about me."
"Sell mi tree poun a swimps."
Translation: "Sell me three pounds of shrimps."
"Tan deh tink sey im a guh 'elp yu."
Translation: "Stand there thinking he is going to help you."
"Tanks fe de glass a ice wata."
Translation: "Thanks for the glass of ice water."
"Tek yu time an mine it bruk."
Translation: "Take your time, you might break it."
"Mista Brown mi see tree bwoy inna yu mango tree."
Translation:" Mr. Brown I saw three boys up in your mango tree."
"Oonu can cum wid mi."
Translation: "You all can come with me."
"Wattagwan wid John?"
Translation:" What's going on with John?"
"De wata dutty so nuh play inna it."
Translation: "The water is dirty so don't play in it."
"Im jook mi inna mi yeye."
Translation: "He poked me in the eye.me cyar."
Translation: "It's my car."
"Mi a go lef tiday."
Translation: "I am leaving today."
"Im too haad eaize."
Translation: "He/She is too stubborn."
"Axe har de question."
Translation: "Ask her the question."
"Im badda dan dem." "Nuh bodda mi."
Translation: "He is worse than they are." "Don't bother me."
"Bare dog dung inna dat yard."
Translation: "There are only dogs in that yard."
"No bodda bawl im soon cum bak."
Translation: "Don't bother crying he'll soon be back."
"Sell mi wan bokkle a iyl."
Translation: "Sell me a bottle of oil."
"Dat a mi bredda."
Translation: "That is my brother."
"Is who bruk de bokkle a iyl?"
Translation: "Who broke the bottle of oil?"
"Coodeh, yuh see de big bud eena de tree?"
Translation: "Look at the big bird in the tree."
"Bwaay! Mi did tink de test wudda eazy."
Translation: "Boy! I though that test would have been easy.
"The parson sey de marriage cerfitikit soon cum inna de mail."
Translation: "The pastor said that the marriage certificate will be coming soon in the mail."
"Mi love chaklit cake with nuff icenin."
Translation: "I love chocolate cake with plenty of icing."
"Mi a go bak a wuk pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I am going back to work on Tuesday."
"Di chuck want tree new tyres."
Translation: "The truck will need three new tires."
"Cuyah, she gwan lak she nice eee?"
Translation: "Look at that, she acts like she is so nice."
"Chobble nuh nice." "Yuh inna big chobble."
Translation: "Trouble is not nice." "You are in big trouble."
"Mi cyan 'elp yuh wit dat problem."
Translation : "I cannot help you with that problem."
"Mi like yuh cris cyar."
Translation :"I like your new car."
"Yuh did see dat?" "A who dat?"
Translation: "Did you see that?" "Who is that?"
"Dat dawta pretty lakka money." "A fi mi dawta."
Translation: "That daughter is pretty like money." "Is my daughter."
"Mista Brown dawg bite mi."
Translation: "Mr. Brown's dog bit me."
"De bwoy dem teif di bleach outta de wata."
Translation: "The boys stole the bleach out of the water."
"Dem a wan no good bunch."
Translation: "They are a no good bunch."
"Mi did de deh pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I was there on Tuesday."
"Dis cyar a my own."
Translation: "This car is mine."
"Yuh nuh dun yet?"
Translation: "You have not finished yet?"
"A di dutty duppy man dweet."
Translation: "The dirty ghost did it."
"Ef yuh chobble 'im, me a guh bax yuh".
Translation"If you trouble him, I am going to hit you."
"Ello, mi can help yuh wid someting?"
Translation: "Hello, can I help you with something?"
"Di wola dem a me fambly."
Translation: "All of them are my family."
"Yuh tuh fass and facety."
Translation: "You are too inquisitive and fresh."
"Yuh 'ave any flim lef inna de camera?"
Translation: "Do you have any film left in the camera?"
"She a mi bess bess fren."
Translation: "She is my best friend."
"Galang bout yuh business."
Translation: "Go along about your business."
"Gimme wan tall glass a wata please."
Translation: "Give me a tall glass of water please."
"Mass Garden a plant flowas inna de gyarden."
Translation: "Mr. Gordon is planting flowers in the garden."
"Who hav mi watch?"
Translation: "Who has my watch?"
"Mi bak a hat mi."
Translation: "My back is hurting me."
"Is which wan a oonu nyam mi hegg?"
Translation: "Which one of you ate my egg?"
"Im sey yuh fi bring di ting."
Translation: "He or She said you were to bring the thing."
"A wan irie likkle place."
Translation: "It's a very nice place."
"Mi need sum iyl fi fry de fish."
Translation: "I need some oil to fry the fish."
"Mi len out de money an noh mi inna wan jam."
Translation: "I lent out some money and now I am in some trouble."
"Jesum Peeze, a cyan bleve dat mi lose de game."
Translation: "Oh my Gosh or Wow a can't believe I lost that game."
"Is you cawz de accident."
Translation: "You are the one that caused the accident."
"Yu can cyarri dis cow pan yuh chuck?"
Translation: "Can you carry this cow on your truck?"
"An a jus lass nite mi di deh."
Translation: "And it was just last night I was there."
"A lang time mi dey inna dis yah lang line."
Translation: "Its been a long time since I have been in this long line."
"Lawd 'ave mercy pan Miss Percy."
Translation: "Lord have mercy on Miss Percy."
"Lef mi nuh."
Translation: "Leave me alone."
"De bwoy a de biggest liad."
Translation: "The boy is a big liar."
"Im get wan big lick fram de teacha."
Translation: "He got a big hit from the teacher."
"Beg a likkle bokkle ah milk."
Translation: "I asking for a little bottle of milk."
"Mi madda sey yuh fi lef mi."
Translation: "My mother said that you are to leave me alone."
"Ole still, mi si wan big maskitta pan yu foot."
Translation: "Hold still, I see a big mosquito on your foot."
"Im mek up im mind areddy."
Translation: "He made up his mind already."
"Tek de neegle an sew de peeca clawt."
Translation: "Take the needle and sew the piece of cloth."
"De nex time mi will buy."
Translation: "The next time I will buy."
"How yuh nyam summuch?"
Translation: "How do you eat so much?"
"Put de bag unda de seat."
Translation: "Put the bag under the seat."
"Mi ah de ongle one dat did stay till it dun."
Translation: "I was the only one that stayed till it was finished."
"Is dat ooman deh did tek mi money."
Translation: "That is the woman that took my money."
"Ooo goes dere?"
Translation: "Who goes there?"
"Yu ave any callaloo?"
Translation: "Do you have any callaloo?"
"Is Mista Garden pickney dem."
Translation: "It is Mr. Gordon's children."
"Mi wud radda yu nuh chat to mi."
Translation: "I would rather you not talk to me."
"See yu pan Satday."
Translation: "See you on Saturday."
"Put de sinting inna de bag."
Translation: "Put the something in the bag."
"Smaddy tell mi sey yuh did a chat bout mi."
Translation: "Somebody told me you were talking about me."
"Sell mi tree poun a swimps."
Translation: "Sell me three pounds of shrimps."
"Tan deh tink sey im a guh 'elp yu."
Translation: "Stand there thinking he is going to help you."
"Tanks fe de glass a ice wata."
Translation: "Thanks for the glass of ice water."
"Tek yu time an mine it bruk."
Translation: "Take your time, you might break it."
"Mista Brown mi see tree bwoy inna yu mango tree."
Translation:" Mr. Brown I saw three boys up in your mango tree."
"Oonu can cum wid mi."
Translation: "You all can come with me."
"Wattagwan wid John?"
Translation:" What's going on with John?"
"De wata dutty so nuh play inna it."
Translation: "The water is dirty so don't play in it."
"Im jook mi inna mi yeye."
Translation: "He poked me in the eye."
-- Edited by "STAINLESS" at 23:50, 2007-01-29
Translation: "It's my car."
"Mi a go lef tiday."
Translation: "I am leaving today."
"Im too haad eaize."
Translation: "He/She is too stubborn."
"Axe har de question."
Translation: "Ask her the question."
"Im badda dan dem." "Nuh bodda mi."
Translation: "He is worse than they are." "Don't bother me."
"Bare dog dung inna dat yard."
Translation: "There are only dogs in that yard."
"No bodda bawl im soon cum bak."
Translation: "Don't bother crying he'll soon be back."
"Sell mi wan bokkle a iyl."
Translation: "Sell me a bottle of oil."
"Dat a mi bredda."
Translation: "That is my brother."
"Is who bruk de bokkle a iyl?"
Translation: "Who broke the bottle of oil?"
"Coodeh, yuh see de big bud eena de tree?"
Translation: "Look at the big bird in the tree."
"Bwaay! Mi did tink de test wudda eazy."
Translation: "Boy! I though that test would have been easy.
"The parson sey de marriage cerfitikit soon cum inna de mail."
Translation: "The pastor said that the marriage certificate will be coming soon in the mail."
"Mi love chaklit cake with nuff icenin."
Translation: "I love chocolate cake with plenty of icing."
"Mi a go bak a wuk pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I am going back to work on Tuesday."
"Di chuck want tree new tyres."
Translation: "The truck will need three new tires."
"Cuyah, she gwan lak she nice eee?"
Translation: "Look at that, she acts like she is so nice."
"Chobble nuh nice." "Yuh inna big chobble."
Translation: "Trouble is not nice." "You are in big trouble."
"Mi cyan 'elp yuh wit dat problem."
Translation : "I cannot help you with that problem."
"Mi like yuh cris cyar."
Translation :"I like your new car."
"Yuh did see dat?" "A who dat?"
Translation: "Did you see that?" "Who is that?"
"Dat dawta pretty lakka money." "A fi mi dawta."
Translation: "That daughter is pretty like money." "Is my daughter."
"Mista Brown dawg bite mi."
Translation: "Mr. Brown's dog bit me."
"De bwoy dem teif di bleach outta de wata."
Translation: "The boys stole the bleach out of the water."
"Dem a wan no good bunch."
Translation: "They are a no good bunch."
"Mi did de deh pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I was there on Tuesday."
"Dis cyar a my own."
Translation: "This car is mine."
"Yuh nuh dun yet?"
Translation: "You have not finished yet?"
"A di dutty duppy man dweet."
Translation: "The dirty ghost did it."
"Ef yuh chobble 'im, me a guh bax yuh".
Translation"If you trouble him, I am going to hit you."
"Ello, mi can help yuh wid someting?"
Translation: "Hello, can I help you with something?"
"Di wola dem a me fambly."
Translation: "All of them are my family."
"Yuh tuh fass and facety."
Translation: "You are too inquisitive and fresh."
"Yuh 'ave any flim lef inna de camera?"
Translation: "Do you have any film left in the camera?"
"She a mi bess bess fren."
Translation: "She is my best friend."
"Galang bout yuh business."
Translation: "Go along about your business."
"Gimme wan tall glass a wata please."
Translation: "Give me a tall glass of water please."
"Mass Garden a plant flowas inna de gyarden."
Translation: "Mr. Gordon is planting flowers in the garden."
"Who hav mi watch?"
Translation: "Who has my watch?"
"Mi bak a hat mi."
Translation: "My back is hurting me."
"Is which wan a oonu nyam mi hegg?"
Translation: "Which one of you ate my egg?"
"Im sey yuh fi bring di ting."
Translation: "He or She said you were to bring the thing."
"A wan irie likkle place."
Translation: "It's a very nice place."
"Mi need sum iyl fi fry de fish."
Translation: "I need some oil to fry the fish."
"Mi len out de money an noh mi inna wan jam."
Translation: "I lent out some money and now I am in some trouble."
"Jesum Peeze, a cyan bleve dat mi lose de game."
Translation: "Oh my Gosh or Wow a can't believe I lost that game."
"Is you cawz de accident."
Translation: "You are the one that caused the accident."
"Yu can cyarri dis cow pan yuh chuck?"
Translation: "Can you carry this cow on your truck?"
"An a jus lass nite mi di deh."
Translation: "And it was just last night I was there."
"A lang time mi dey inna dis yah lang line."
Translation: "Its been a long time since I have been in this long line."
"Lawd 'ave mercy pan Miss Percy."
Translation: "Lord have mercy on Miss Percy."
"Lef mi nuh."
Translation: "Leave me alone."
"De bwoy a de biggest liad."
Translation: "The boy is a big liar."
"Im get wan big lick fram de teacha."
Translation: "He got a big hit from the teacher."
"Beg a likkle bokkle ah milk."
Translation: "I asking for a little bottle of milk."
"Mi madda sey yuh fi lef mi."
Translation: "My mother said that you are to leave me alone."
"Ole still, mi si wan big maskitta pan yu foot."
Translation: "Hold still, I see a big mosquito on your foot."
"Im mek up im mind areddy."
Translation: "He made up his mind already."
"Tek de neegle an sew de peeca clawt."
Translation: "Take the needle and sew the piece of cloth."
"De nex time mi will buy."
Translation: "The next time I will buy."
"How yuh nyam summuch?"
Translation: "How do you eat so much?"
"Put de bag unda de seat."
Translation: "Put the bag under the seat."
"Mi ah de ongle one dat did stay till it dun."
Translation: "I was the only one that stayed till it was finished."
"Is dat ooman deh did tek mi money."
Translation: "That is the woman that took my money."
"Ooo goes dere?"
Translation: "Who goes there?"
"Yu ave any callaloo?"
Translation: "Do you have any callaloo?"
"Is Mista Garden pickney dem."
Translation: "It is Mr. Gordon's children."
"Mi wud radda yu nuh chat to mi."
Translation: "I would rather you not talk to me."
"See yu pan Satday."
Translation: "See you on Saturday."
"Put de sinting inna de bag."
Translation: "Put the something in the bag."
"Smaddy tell mi sey yuh did a chat bout mi."
Translation: "Somebody told me you were talking about me."
"Sell mi tree poun a swimps."
Translation: "Sell me three pounds of shrimps."
"Tan deh tink sey im a guh 'elp yu."
Translation: "Stand there thinking he is going to help you."
"Tanks fe de glass a ice wata."
Translation: "Thanks for the glass of ice water."
"Tek yu time an mine it bruk."
Translation: "Take your time, you might break it."
"Mista Brown mi see tree bwoy inna yu mango tree."
Translation:" Mr. Brown I saw three boys up in your mango tree."
"Oonu can cum wid mi."
Translation: "You all can come with me."
"Wattagwan wid John?"
Translation:" What's going on with John?"
"De wata dutty so nuh play inna it."
Translation: "The water is dirty so don't play in it."
"Im jook mi inna mi yeye."
Translation: "He poked me in the eye.me cyar."
Translation: "It's my car."
"Mi a go lef tiday."
Translation: "I am leaving today."
"Im too haad eaize."
Translation: "He/She is too stubborn."
"Axe har de question."
Translation: "Ask her the question."
"Im badda dan dem." "Nuh bodda mi."
Translation: "He is worse than they are." "Don't bother me."
"Bare dog dung inna dat yard."
Translation: "There are only dogs in that yard."
"No bodda bawl im soon cum bak."
Translation: "Don't bother crying he'll soon be back."
"Sell mi wan bokkle a iyl."
Translation: "Sell me a bottle of oil."
"Dat a mi bredda."
Translation: "That is my brother."
"Is who bruk de bokkle a iyl?"
Translation: "Who broke the bottle of oil?"
"Coodeh, yuh see de big bud eena de tree?"
Translation: "Look at the big bird in the tree."
"Bwaay! Mi did tink de test wudda eazy."
Translation: "Boy! I though that test would have been easy.
"The parson sey de marriage cerfitikit soon cum inna de mail."
Translation: "The pastor said that the marriage certificate will be coming soon in the mail."
"Mi love chaklit cake with nuff icenin."
Translation: "I love chocolate cake with plenty of icing."
"Mi a go bak a wuk pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I am going back to work on Tuesday."
"Di chuck want tree new tyres."
Translation: "The truck will need three new tires."
"Cuyah, she gwan lak she nice eee?"
Translation: "Look at that, she acts like she is so nice."
"Chobble nuh nice." "Yuh inna big chobble."
Translation: "Trouble is not nice." "You are in big trouble."
"Mi cyan 'elp yuh wit dat problem."
Translation : "I cannot help you with that problem."
"Mi like yuh cris cyar."
Translation :"I like your new car."
"Yuh did see dat?" "A who dat?"
Translation: "Did you see that?" "Who is that?"
"Dat dawta pretty lakka money." "A fi mi dawta."
Translation: "That daughter is pretty like money." "Is my daughter."
"Mista Brown dawg bite mi."
Translation: "Mr. Brown's dog bit me."
"De bwoy dem teif di bleach outta de wata."
Translation: "The boys stole the bleach out of the water."
"Dem a wan no good bunch."
Translation: "They are a no good bunch."
"Mi did de deh pan Chewsday."
Translation: "I was there on Tuesday."
"Dis cyar a my own."
Translation: "This car is mine."
"Yuh nuh dun yet?"
Translation: "You have not finished yet?"
"A di dutty duppy man dweet."
Translation: "The dirty ghost did it."
"Ef yuh chobble 'im, me a guh bax yuh".
Translation"If you trouble him, I am going to hit you."
"Ello, mi can help yuh wid someting?"
Translation: "Hello, can I help you with something?"
"Di wola dem a me fambly."
Translation: "All of them are my family."
"Yuh tuh fass and facety."
Translation: "You are too inquisitive and fresh."
"Yuh 'ave any flim lef inna de camera?"
Translation: "Do you have any film left in the camera?"
"She a mi bess bess fren."
Translation: "She is my best friend."
"Galang bout yuh business."
Translation: "Go along about your business."
"Gimme wan tall glass a wata please."
Translation: "Give me a tall glass of water please."
"Mass Garden a plant flowas inna de gyarden."
Translation: "Mr. Gordon is planting flowers in the garden."
"Who hav mi watch?"
Translation: "Who has my watch?"
"Mi bak a hat mi."
Translation: "My back is hurting me."
"Is which wan a oonu nyam mi hegg?"
Translation: "Which one of you ate my egg?"
"Im sey yuh fi bring di ting."
Translation: "He or She said you were to bring the thing."
"A wan irie likkle place."
Translation: "It's a very nice place."
"Mi need sum iyl fi fry de fish."
Translation: "I need some oil to fry the fish."
"Mi len out de money an noh mi inna wan jam."
Translation: "I lent out some money and now I am in some trouble."
"Jesum Peeze, a cyan bleve dat mi lose de game."
Translation: "Oh my Gosh or Wow a can't believe I lost that game."
"Is you cawz de accident."
Translation: "You are the one that caused the accident."
"Yu can cyarri dis cow pan yuh chuck?"
Translation: "Can you carry this cow on your truck?"
"An a jus lass nite mi di deh."
Translation: "And it was just last night I was there."
"A lang time mi dey inna dis yah lang line."
Translation: "Its been a long time since I have been in this long line."
"Lawd 'ave mercy pan Miss Percy."
Translation: "Lord have mercy on Miss Percy."
"Lef mi nuh."
Translation: "Leave me alone."
"De bwoy a de biggest liad."
Translation: "The boy is a big liar."
"Im get wan big lick fram de teacha."
Translation: "He got a big hit from the teacher."
"Beg a likkle bokkle ah milk."
Translation: "I asking for a little bottle of milk."
"Mi madda sey yuh fi lef mi."
Translation: "My mother said that you are to leave me alone."
"Ole still, mi si wan big maskitta pan yu foot."
Translation: "Hold still, I see a big mosquito on your foot."
"Im mek up im mind areddy."
Translation: "He made up his mind already."
"Tek de neegle an sew de peeca clawt."
Translation: "Take the needle and sew the piece of cloth."
"De nex time mi will buy."
Translation: "The next time I will buy."
"How yuh nyam summuch?"
Translation: "How do you eat so much?"
"Put de bag unda de seat."
Translation: "Put the bag under the seat."
"Mi ah de ongle one dat did stay till it dun."
Translation: "I was the only one that stayed till it was finished."
"Is dat ooman deh did tek mi money."
Translation: "That is the woman that took my money."
"Ooo goes dere?"
Translation: "Who goes there?"
"Yu ave any callaloo?"
Translation: "Do you have any callaloo?"
"Is Mista Garden pickney dem."
Translation: "It is Mr. Gordon's children."
"Mi wud radda yu nuh chat to mi."
Translation: "I would rather you not talk to me."
"See yu pan Satday."
Translation: "See you on Saturday."
"Put de sinting inna de bag."
Translation: "Put the something in the bag."
"Smaddy tell mi sey yuh did a chat bout mi."
Translation: "Somebody told me you were talking about me."
"Sell mi tree poun a swimps."
Translation: "Sell me three pounds of shrimps."
"Tan deh tink sey im a guh 'elp yu."
Translation: "Stand there thinking he is going to help you."
"Tanks fe de glass a ice wata."
Translation: "Thanks for the glass of ice water."
"Tek yu time an mine it bruk."
Translation: "Take your time, you might break it."
"Mista Brown mi see tree bwoy inna yu mango tree."
Translation:" Mr. Brown I saw three boys up in your mango tree."
"Oonu can cum wid mi."
Translation: "You all can come with me."
"Wattagwan wid John?"
Translation:" What's going on with John?"
"De wata dutty so nuh play inna it."
Translation: "The water is dirty so don't play in it."
"Im jook mi inna mi yeye."
Translation: "He poked me in the eye."
-- Edited by "STAINLESS" at 23:50, 2007-01-29
Artillery Accident... LMAO! The man got messed up!!!
January 4, 2009
Started By Major Krazy — 7 Comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4BzfRxZVEc
-- Edited by Krazy at 17:11, 2009-01-04
-- Edited by Krazy at 03:59, 2009-01-07
-- Edited by Krazy at 17:11, 2009-01-04
-- Edited by Krazy at 03:59, 2009-01-07
LOL PIMP DOWN!: Katt Williams allegedly gets bitch slapped in Detroit .... lol!!!!
January 6, 2009
Started By River$Ide — 7 Comments
"Damn, yallrumor has it that Katt Williams was poppin off at the mouth and got that ass slapped in Detroit:
Saturday night Kat Williams was in a local Detroit night club doing an impromptu stand-up routine. Sooooo he starts going in on this one dude who was wearing a cowboy hat and matching boots. Spies in the house say the crowd was cracking up when Mr. Cowboy walked up to Kat Williams and bitch slapped him across the face. They say Kat, who was without any sort of entourage, just sat in a corner smoking a cigarette and when someone approached him asking if he was alright, he answered, Hell naw I aint alright! Didnt you just see that ni**a slap me!?
Well, when you are the size of Pop Warner cheerleader, we suppose you always have to keep your head on a swivel after you talk sh*t to avoid that pimp hand. LMAO @ Didnt you see that ni**ga slap me?
OMG I would have paid money to see the look om Katt's face when he got slapped! Pimp down....pimp in distress! Lolz!
LOL FUNNY - Letterman's Top 10 George Bush moments
December 29, 2008
Started By River$Ide — 13 Comments
This is some funny shit
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