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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, whats the problem?"

The mother says, "Its my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, shes putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I dont know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She cant be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! Ive never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, its just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. Ill be darned if Im going to miss it this time!"

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If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?

There was a Rasta man sunbathing nude on the beach in Hellshire. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "A Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in Spanish Town Hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The Rasta says, "Mi noh kno. I mon was lying on de beach,den dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon....guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya." The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?" After a pause, the girl replied, " me neva do nutten to him? Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

These are actual signs seen around the world in non-English speaking countries. Some of the mistakes are hilarious! In a Rome laundry: Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On a faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guarenteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideaways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special coctails for the ladies with the nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian coctail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot beave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig hotel elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening on underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Honk Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15.000 Soviet painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that poeple of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue; Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it. Fact 3: Fact 1 is false Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......... ........ Fact 4: Now u are laughing !!! bcuz u became a fool !!! Fact 5: This is really silly

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Big boy went to school and heard other students using 'raas'; not knowing what it means he went home and said to his mother, "mama wat raas mean?" His mother replied "is di ting whey yuh fada heng im hat pan." The next day Big boy heard the word 'f**kin' being used. He went home and asked his father this time what it means. His father replied, "Dat a jus when u a put on clothes fi go somewhere." Big Boy heard yet another word, 'b*m*o', so he went home and asked his parents what it means and was told that 'b*m*o' is a walking stick. It was now Sunday and pastor stopped by to give Big Boy and his parents a lift to church. When pastor saw that only Big Boy was ready to go he asked, "Where are your parents boy?" Big Boy replied, "Them upstairs f**kin so come een an put yuh hat pan dah raas deh an lean up yuh b*m*o right deh suh!"

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=_k1f2Atm1Cc]

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, its evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

• Whoa, time out. Football is on.
• Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
• Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
• Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
• You are so cute when you get mad.
• You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.
• Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
• You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
• Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b*t*h flakes this morning!
• Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italianwoman.One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Notwanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sumof money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also providechild support until the child turned 18.She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confusedwife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.''Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turnedwhite and fainted.On the card it was


written:..........'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'

GRANDMA IN COURT!! To: undisclosed-recipients *GRANDMA IN COURT* > > Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't > > prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting > > attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the > > stand. > > > > He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" > > > > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you > > since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment > > to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and > > talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you > > haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than > > a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." > > > > The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across > > the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" > > > > She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a > > youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He > > can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one > > of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife > > with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." > > > > The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to > > approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, > > > > "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you > > to the electric chair."

Funny Videos

http://www.sendspace.com/file/pg04us

MI get this inna email, Haffi share wid dizone.......... 


The following questions were set in last year's CXC/GCSE examinations
These are genuine responses from 16 year olds

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O,U, and I.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached." 

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!" 

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down." 

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?" 

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says. 

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says. 

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda." 

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.

She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.

She said to the farmer: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"

"Ok," said the farmer.

So she quickly counted them and said 91.

The farmer looked around astonished and said, "Alright take one."

As she was walking back to her car the farmer said, "If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"

Michael Jackson Costume

See more funny pictures and videos at Fugly.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive!' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' ORE ET LABORE!

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's room mate, Judy, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his room mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Judy & I are just room mates'. About a week later, Judy came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you? 'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter. So he sat down and wrote DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PETER Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH Judy, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH Judy, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

There were three pastors (an American, Chinese and a Jamaican) of a certain Christian denomination and they were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord. The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine." The Chinese said, "I put money in box, I dont draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord." The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw a circle, mi naw draw a line. All I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air ... whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.

Check this out

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

There was a little "incident" at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.
I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that took a few minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.
The beeping continued.
Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were removed. About 20 minutes later, I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping. And I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the f**king speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.
I sat back down and heard "beep".
Now I was f**king fuming. I listened to that f**king "beep" about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving s**t out of your f**king smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard "beep"). It was really getting me mad. I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep". I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.
In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I took them into the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to myself "the f**king part that beeps, will get smashed" Not three seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed). I brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the s**t out of it.
All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen. I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited.. and waited.. it seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying "beep" coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident. All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving s**t out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you. Sorry!

Memba wen you do all you homework at school so dat as yuh reach home you ramp so til you hear smadddy shout out "yuh madda a ccooooommme!"
and yuh dash inna yuh house and change yuh school uniform as yuh would surely get a beaten fi inna yuh uniform at 6pm.
 
Memba when yuh go school 7 days a week fi keep yuh outa trouble. Mon - Friday regular school and private lesson, saturday class, and sunday school at church which is a half day affair.
 
Memba wen kick poopah lick and bu'st out you pants and you get beaten
 
Memba 10 cent bulla and jackass corn.
 
Memba when you turn on the tv at 4pm and wait till JBC sign on at 5pm, stand at attention sing the national anthem, and den sit back and watch some cartoon. And dont figet di Big Bwoy story whey you did haffi hide and tell.
 
MEMBA WEN!!!
 
Memba wen yu a come fram school and stop fi pick Mass John cherry off 'im cherry tree and dawg run yu dung.
 
Memba wen yu madda sen yu fi tek the clothes fram affa di line but yu wait til night den yu fraid fi go by yuself.
 
Memba wen yu fraid fi go a shop by yuself a night because Miss Matty jus' dead and yu tink yu might si har duppy.
 
Memba wen yu and yu fren dem decide seh unu a go run a boat, the biggest cart wheel dumplin yu eva si!
 
Memba wen coming fram school ina di rain and yu tek off yu shoes and walk barefoot all the way home a race board horse inna di gutter water..
 
Memba wen dem use fi gi weh free milk powder and bulga rice a school, an' yu play milk powder war all the way home..
 
Memba wen dem good rice and peas and chicken Sunday dinna with a nice refreshing glass a carrot juice.
 
Memba wen yu 'ave roast breadfruit and ackee and salt fish breakfast jus' barely a day afta yu Saturday Peas soup wid cho-cho, turnip, carrot an' punkin.
 
Memba wen teacha beat yu because yu neva do yu homework.
 
Memba marning time wen yu reach a school jus in time fi devotion and yu betta mek sure yu ave yu hym book and yu bible, yu pleat dem betta in order and yu khaki well starch.
 
Memba dem good ole starch uniform (coudda stan up by demself ) and yu nice shine brown or black shoes.
 
Memba when yu madda use fi seh "Go pick a switch mek a beat yu"..
 
Memba Christmas time wen everybody a mek a suit fi gran market night, mama stay up a bake cake, draw sorrell, cook curry goat, don't figet the case a D&G soda and red stripe beer weh unda the bed.
 
Memba when a ginnep seed fly dung yu throat and smaddy 'ave fi lick yu back fi mek it fly back up.
 
Memba when yu swallow chewing gum & dem seh yu ago ded cause it ago tie up yu tripe
 
Memba a come fram school and stap fi get the last piece a Miss Brown
toeto and a sky juice.
 
Memba dem seh nuh buy nuh sky juice fram Mr. Tom because 'im ave sore foot.
 
Memba when dem seh nuh buy bun & cheeze from juicie cause him use di knife cut & clean him toenail.
 
Memba saving part a lunch money fi buy ice cream fram creamy weh come pan Sunday.
 
Memba a fling stone fi lick dung ginnep and the stone bus yu bredda head.
 
Memba the peanut man...the jackfruit lady...the orange man.... the sarda-pan man
 
Memba a play marble wid yu bredren dem.
 
Memba a go a bush wid yu fadda.
 
Memba a go undaneat the cellar fi the fowl egg (yes I do)
 
Memba a jump rope wid yu fren dem....One two Beeny...lick im mek im feel eh, mek im know yu mean eh, yu mean eh, yu mean eh.
 
Memba playing "Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack, All Dressed In Black Black Black "
 
Memba a kick foot ball wid yu fren dem roun' a ball grong
 
Memba when Cristmus come and we watch JohnCunu jump up and down and we get fraid?
 
Memba yu madda sen yu go a shop and yu sing the list all the way deh "one pint milk, one bread, 1 lb a flour. But wen yu reach deh, yu tell the shop keeper yu want "1 pint of bread, 1 lb of milk & a flour.
 
Memba when yu last yu madda money and yu fraid fi go back home because She might beat yu.
 
Memba settin up the roosta dem fi fight
 
Memba all dem good duppy story, and nancy story wi 'ear growing up.
 
Memba how yu use to fraid fi walk a night cause yu tink sey black-heart-man wodda tek yu weh.
 
Memba when bokkle cut yu foot bottam dung a gully.
 
Memba when yu use to stone Missa Smith mango tree dem, and we use to tink seh him have gun.
 
Memba when yu left all day and go a rivva an go cook and when yu come home yu get a beaten.
 
Memba when yu unifarm get dirty Monday marning, and Yu madda beat yu ina di evening.
 
IF YU MEMBA ANY OF THIS, YU OLD !!

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have a strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode!" "You're ovulated,"

explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "well just relax and let it happen." Ralph did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped and egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Damn It, Ralph! Wake up, you're Sh1ting in the bed!"

-- Edited by owadkelly at 14:39, 2009-01-07

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of
his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

 Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I wantyou to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want totake my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket withhim.

 Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife wassitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next toher.  When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakersgot ready to close the casket, the wife said,

 "Wait just a moment!"
 She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the boxand put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket downand they rolled it away.

 

So her friend said,"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money inthere with your husband."

 The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot goback on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money intothe casket with him."

 You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket withhim!?!?!?"

 "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it intomy account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he canspend it."

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:

Dear Mama and Papa:Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldnt mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:

12 can a Bully Beef

12 bottle a Posner Shampoo

12 bottle a Posner Conditioner

12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion

12 tube a Colgate toothpaste

Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.

Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem.

Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.

Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus divide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.

Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.

Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.

Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where demsuppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.

I hope seh yu get everyting alright.

Di damn palitishan dem mek yu haffi tief all kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.

God bless yu and keep yu.

Your loving daughter,
Babsie

P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.

THE MAN CUSS OUT STEVE HARVEY R A A T I D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0EThZoK5Fc&eurl=http://hiphopswag.ning.com/&feature=player_embedded

-- Edited by Kraiggi at 03:32, 2009-01-08