A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

"There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes, but the bad news was that there were only three.

Explaining that he had to make a full report of the situation to the authorities he quickly slipped on the parachute and jumped.

The scholarly gentleman stood up next and explained that he had studied at Oxford, Harvard, Yale and other such schools and that he was one of the most intelligent persons in the world. He said that the world needed his wisdom and great learning. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The pastor considered his age and the fact that he had lived a full life and told the boy that he should use the last parachute. The boy scout calmly said, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay." The most intelligent person in the world just put on my backpack before he jumped."

Two old ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus.

It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The first old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interest in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said,

"One that will fit a Camel."

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady -- always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. When she and her husband began planning a week's camping vacation, she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully-equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the world "toilet" in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashion term, "bathroom commode". Once written down, through, she still wasn't comfortable. Finally, she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have it's own B.C.?

The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all. When he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman meant by that "B.C." business. He showed it to several of the campers, but they couldn't figure it out either.

Then suddenly it dawned on them. The lady was obviously referring to the Baptist Church! "Does the campground have it's own Baptist Church?"

So he sent the lady the following reply:
Dear Madam, The BC is located nine miles from the campground in the heart of a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in a habit of going regularly.

No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 3mo people at one time and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good and the slightest sound can be heard by everyone. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband at the BC.

Also, we are in the process of having a fund-raiser to purchase plush seats for the BC. We feel this is a long-felt need as the old seats have holes in them. The fund-raiser will be held in the basement of the BC.

My wife is rather delicate, therefore she has not been able to attend regularly. It has been six months since she last went. It pains her very much not being able to go more often. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.

I will close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. Remember, this is a friendly campground.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!",

she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" ,

"DO IT!". So the nurse *u*ks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
 

"See honey - its not that hard."

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a s****er stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

Mildred was a happily married old lady until recently when her husband died.
She decided she would not live without him so she thought to end her life.
she called her doctor and asked him where her heart was found. he told her it was just below the left breast. She went and got her dead husbands gun planning to shoot herself in the heart....
Later that night mildred was admitted to the hospital with a GUNSHOT WOUND TO HER KNEE!!!

-- Edited by Nickquane at 15:33, 2009-01-11

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

THINGS TO DO OR SAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO YOUR ROOMMATE HAVING SEX....

(the obvious) "Ooooooo."

"That works better the other way around."

Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

"Damn, that's complicated"

"Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

"All right, already. _I_ came!"

"You guys need a value pak."

Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"

"Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

"You've got something stuck in your teeth."

"4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

"You know, they say that three's a charm."

Suggest your favorite position.

Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

"Bring in the Gimp!"

"Hold that pose!"

Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

Sing "Shake your bootie."

"A little to the left."

"Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Is there room for two in there?"

"Two words: penis extension."

Invite others in as a cheering section.

Charge admission at the door.

Make and hold up score cards and all of them should read 6.9.

Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

"Maybe it would help if you..."

"That reminds me of a joke I heard."

"That's what you call erect?"

"Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

"Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

"May I cut in?"

"That's illegal in Arkansas."

"Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

"Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

"Let's make a sandwich!"

"Is that hard enough for you?"

"I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

"I think you dropped something."

"So, you like to eat at the Y?"

Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

This story is extremely sadand disturbing. . .

A lady, with her husband, was planning a weekend trip across the
Mexican border for a shopping spree.

At the last minute their baby sitter canceled, so they had to bring
along their two-year-old son with them.
 
They had been across the border for about an hour when the baby got
free and ran around the corner. The mother went chasing but the boy had
disappeared. The mother found a police officer that told her to go to
the gate and wait. Not really understanding the instructions, she did as
she was told.
 
About 45 minutes later, a man approached the border carrying the boy.
The mother ran to him, grateful that he had been found. When the man
realized it was the boy's mother, he dropped the boy and ran.
 
The police were waiting and got him. The boy was dead. In the (less
than) 45 minutes he was missing, he was cut open and all of his insides
removed and his body cavity stuffed with COCAINE. The man was going to carry
him across the border as if he were asleep. A two-year-old boy, dead, is
discarded as if he were a piece of trash for somebody's cocaine.
 
If this story can get out and change one person's mind about what
drugs mean to them, we are helping.

dis ya blonde nuh easy

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says "What great chest you av!" He tells her "that it is 180lbs. of dynamite baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves u av!" the body builder tells her "that's 180lbs. of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwears, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder put his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, " I was afraid to be around all of that dynamite after I
     Saw how short the fuse was!!!

This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him.

That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual.

She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?".

Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!"

Ardenne "demon tree"

A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce.

The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said, Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.

The judge turns to the husband and says, What do you have to say in the matter?

The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, I and I or the machines?

Dear Santa,

I know you probably wondering why I writing yuh one day after Christmas but after opening mi present dem yestiday, I just had was to write yuh. Santa, mi was a very good girl all year round. Mi listen to mi madda when she talk to mi and mi help out wid di chores dem round de house. Mi even help di neighba pickney dem do fi dem chores tuh. One day mi all help out di old cra**es Mr. George, the blind an cripple one, cra** the road when di odda children dem just ah watch him an dida tek gamble pon what kind of cyar did ah go lick him dung. Santa, dem just lef him deh fi dead, but mi help him out.

Santa mi studied real hard in school this year, so hard till mi all come fuss inna di class. Mi mek it mi duty to be nice and not naughty Santa. Mi was so good. Ah real good girl Santa. Santa when mi write mi Christmas list to yuh dis year, mi ask yuh fi a Barbie princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game, ah cyabbage patch doll and ah monopoly game.

So Santa, how the *lo** claat after reading mi list yuh leave under di Christmas tree ah phukking light up yo-yo, one plastic tea-cup set and ah phukking no name dolly dat look like she have polio and ah dead from AIDS?

Santa is either yuh blind or yuh cyah *lo** claat read!!! Every year mi say mi woulda stop believing in yuh and like ah dyam fool mi always give yuh ah next chance, but not ah phukking-gain, yuh hear mi Santa? Not a *lo**claat. Yuh hear whe mi seh Santa? Yuh phukking fat red ra** yuh.

Yuh see all nex year, yuh betta dont try squeeze yuh big fat thru mi louvres dem, because Santa mi swear mi going phukk yuh up. It going to be mi, yuh and dis sharp *lo** claat knife, so mi can jukk yuh inna yuh belly.

Yuh hear mi sah? Mi ah go stab up yuh *lo**caat.

Imagine, yuh give that likkle c**k eye gyal Sally from cra** di road everything that she ax fah. So much so dat she all nuh have nuh room fi walk round har house.

Yuh see all nex year Santa, mi will be back to mi good old self. Dat's right Santa. Mi naar go giv mi madda nuh trouble or cause nuh havoc roun'ere . And Santa, a goin wait pon you patiently ... mi goin wait pon yuh paitently with ah big *lo** claat rock stone fi yuh backside.

And den when yuh and dem blasted reindeer dat favour some dyam oversize goat wid tree branch ah grow otta dem head top, com ho-ho hoing down pon I old rusty zinc nex Christmas ... BOOP!!!!! Is one ra** lick inna yuh *lo** claat head.

Santa mi goin' done yuh *lo** claat, Memba dat yuh hear Santa. Try Memba dat!!

Love
Likkle Keisha

-- Edited by gamepun at 16:17, 2009-01-11

http://www.zshare.net/audio/539711333c2f0a54/ http://www.zshare.net/audio/53971069d7245b86/

The female gorilla at the local zoo had become irritable and moody. She was examined by a veterinarian. "She's in season,and needs a mate." he said. The zoo manager decided to advertise to get someone to have sex with his gorilla and placed an ad in the newspaper. "Wanted. A male to have sex with a female gorilla - $10,000." Next day, Pady showed up at the zoo. "I'll make love to the gorilla on three conditions", he said. 1. I don't have to kiss her. 2. If there's a baby, I won't have to pay support. 3. You'll have to give me a couple of weeks to raise the $10,000."

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

I hope you don't need to ask why this is funny....

no one but me got this right so far lol not even dappa type ur answer here

Question

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to
the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it
reads.

No one I know has been right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be
her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but
never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she
killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below )
















Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the
question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you
off my email list...


-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 01:40, 2008-01-04

THE INJURED CHINEY MAN.

There was once a Chiney man in Jamaica called Mr. Chin who was involved in a car accident

At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.

Im very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash.

Car crash! My Carola! Is my car all right? he asked hysterically.

Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it,
she said apologetically.

I lost my arm? My Seiko Watch! My Seiko!

Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. Your are in a very critical condition, but your entire family are here to see you.

He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name

Sue Len, are you here? I am here husband, and I will never leave you.

Bruce, are you here? I am here father, and I will never leave you

Mai Len, are you here? I am here father, and I will never leave you.

Lee, my child, are you here? I am here father, and I will never leave you.

Well, said Mr. Chin thoughtfully,

Everyone is here..if all of you are here,

WHO THE HELL IS IN THE WHOLESALE ????

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a

malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a *lo** curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his *lo**stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. The teacher noticed the fly sitting on the grade book, so she smacked it with a ruler. But, the fly didn't fly away, so she smacked the grade book once again. Again, the fly didn't fly away. This drove the teacher mad, so she started to pound the grade book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book quickly amounted to nothing more than a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, the embarrassed teacher realized what had happened. That afternoon, the teacher called Little Johnny's father to school., "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing," remarked Little Johnny's father., "Last week, he drew a naked woman on the fence in our yard and I've been pulling splinters out of my d*ck ever since!"

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives she seductively signals that he should bring his Face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard
.
Are you the manager she asks softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually no the man replies. Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I cant breathes the bartender Is there anything can do?

Yes there is I need you to give him a message she continues slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him? the bartender manages to say.

Tell him, she whispers there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQm_8vX3sYU

yall gotta watch this vid and all the other ones theyre funny as hell to rass!!!

---

Advantages of older women...
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an ass***le if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boink later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries
to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her
husband will be out soon. "He's ! just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so
long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid b*t*h was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down-
stairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, 'Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.' A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, 'I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish.' The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, 'Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that.' The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, 'That's the spirit dad. Pass the freaking potatoes!'

An aging couple - Milicent(80 yearsold) and Gregory(82 years old) - decided to relive their marriage...
so they went on a second Honey moon...
Gregory lifeted Milicent over the threshold...
Milicent put on her "Lingerie"...
Gregory got in to bed
the Milicent asks him what he was thinking about her when they were gonna have sex for the first time.........
george replies "ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS f**k YOUR BRAINS OUT AND SUCK YOUR TITS DRY!"

she takes off all her clothes and asks him "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING NOW?"

he says

"I THINK I DID A GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Stan goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Have you been in the service?' Yes,' he says. 'I was in the armed forces for three years'. The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward employment' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?' Stan says, 'Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.' The interviewer says, 'OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am.' Stan is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00am. to 4:00pm, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00am?' 'This is a government job', the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'