Forum: Funny Stuff
" 40yrs old young virgin seeks husband. must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a young man in a wheelchair name JAMES, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the JAMES, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"
The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow
... P** an dawg nuh have de same luck
... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad
... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten
... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near
... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina
... Yuh head faver johncrow airport
... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest
... It too early. c**k no even put on im draws yet
... But unu see mi dying trial!!
... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"
... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel
... Yuh free paper soon burn
... Yuh more harm than hurt
... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near
... It holey holey but it clean
... But cuh pon yuh too
... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird
... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat
... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
Which one are you or what's your favourite p*u**y?
LAZY p*u**y- this is when there is no movement on the woman's part except trying to stop full thrust of the dick into the p*u**y. She says faster; faster but still is not putting any effort into the action at hand.
THE WENDY'S WINDOW p*u**y- This is the girl you pick up around 12:30 am, when everyone is sleeping and she knows that you are coming so she is waiting by the door. You don't have to beep the horn or call her from the car because she knows the deal. She usually is not the best looking girl. You are never seen with this girl in public places and you hate that she mentions your name to her friends. There is no reason to ask how your day was because it is too
late for conversation. It is all agreed upon before she even gets in the car. Nine out of ten times, there is no talk of relationship, because that might spoil the mood.
THE CONQUERED p*u**y- This is the girl who teased you for about two or three years and finally you do get your chance and you please the p*u**y in a way it has never been pleased before. Now, you have this girl calling you and wondering when y'all can HOOK-UP again. There is no p*u**y better than THE CONQUERED p*u**y.
THE ALL-INCLUSIVE p*u**y- this is when you get all the benefits of sex. The p*u**y is yours for the taking. Whether it is night or day, still in her church dress type p*u**y. The p*u**y smells like roses even after sex and taste better
than candy. Not only is the p*u**y yours whenever or wherever you want it; she gives you ALL the sexual favors you can imagine. The head
is tremendous, the kind that you write your niggas in jail about and she can handle the dick when you hit from the back. To top it off, she is not scared to take it in the ass. This is in close running with THE CONQUERED p*u**y for the best p*u**y to ever get.
THE OUT OF TOWN p*u**y- this is the p*u**y you met on the last trip you and the fellas took. She only keeps in touch via email and she does not want a long distance relationship. She visits only at your discretion and always comes alone but is always willing to bring a friend. She is number one when you go back to that city and only wants to have lunch to catch up on missed conversation. THE OUT OF TOWN p*u**y
is necessary for the travelling single man.
THE FRUSTRATION p*u**y- this is the girl you call when you need to let some loose. You decide to call her when your day at work is miserable. You may even set this up before leaving work or on the way home. The only reason for this activity to take place is to get your mind off of other things. Afterwards, you might even think to yourself and say why did I just do that.The girl who is receiving the dick usually doesn't mind because she doesn't get much action to begin with. THE FRUSTRATION p*u**y is sometimes THE WENDY'S WINDOW p*u**y.
THE FREQUENT FLIER p*u**y- this is the girl you know is f**king around, but you just don't care. She has lubrications that are half way
used already.She always has condom wrappers in the bathroom trash and beer in the frig. The only reason why you keep f**king because it's good, she's not bad looking and there could never be a relationship. It has not been proven, but she could have f**ked one of the guys you use to go to school with. The p*u**y is not loose, but it is not THE HANDS ON THE HIPS p*u**y. I'll get to that later..
TIME TO GO p*u**y- this is the p*u**y that when the pants come off of her you can smell the nahh nahh. Fellas if this happens it is not even worth the two bars of soap it will take to get rid of the stench left on your dick. This occurs with girls you bring home from the club, so to avoid this, take a good wiff while in the car with her or better yet invite her to take a shower with you.
THE TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT
p*u**y- this is the girl everyone expects you to f**k. You haven't touch her because she either has a big mouth, lives next door or is a close friend of the family's relative. There is also a chance
that she is all three. She is cute but you know the consequences. She continues to tease you with the p*u**y and at any moment when the both of you are alone, she lets you know that she wants to f**k. The best thing to do is f**k her friend. Last but not least...
THE HANDS ON THE HIPS p*u**y- this is the girl that you f**ked only one time because she could not handle the dick. No matter position y'all tried, she complains that it hurts. Not only is she screaming like you are murdering the woman, but she puts her hands on your hips so that you can't get your full stroke-on. It is like f**king with half of your dick. She does not know the proper way to suck dick so there is no pleasure there and doggy style to her is just Snoop's first album. This is by far the worst p*u**y a man can get
So he said, "Have you got any nuns in the whole world as short as me??" and the nun said, "Er, no......".
His mate then said to him, "Sorry mate. I told you you did it with a penguin".
"your single arnt you"
before replying yes, she stares at her items she has bought and wonders how this man knew.
she replies "yes how did you know"
he starts to laugh and replies
"cos your ugly"
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
"Mark," said the driver, "look back and see if the cops are following us."
"How will I know?" The other asked.
"He'll have his flashers on, dammit!"
Mark looked back. After peering through the window for several moments he answered, "Yes...No...Yes...No..."
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!
"you see that bridge??"
"yeah".
"you see that wall??"
"yeah".
"you see that tree??"
"yeah".
"I didnt".
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Every time he tried to walk however he always tripped and fell. When he finally got home he fell on the bed and he heard his wife was on the phone. "Yes he returned home right now. Yes I will inform him about this."
The wife put down the phone and went to her husband. She told him he was drunk again. The husband asked how did she know. She said the bar called and told her he forgot his wheelchair in the bar again.
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of *lo** in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
As he was driving along, they got to chatting, and the driver said, "My names Patrick and I'm a Catholic".
Then the nun said, "My name's Sister Mary, and I work in the local nunery".
They carried on talking, and the driver suddenly said, "Forgive me, Sister. But I have always wondered what it's like to kiss a nun".
The nun thought long and hard, and was thinking, well, he is a nice lad. So she said, "Alright then, Patrick".
So he pulled over and they shared a long meaningful kiss.
Then the driver started driving along again, and all of a sudden, he burst out crying. The nun said, "Whatever is the matter??"
He replied, "I lied to you. My name is not Patrick, it's Samuel, and I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish".
Then the nun started crying too, and she said, "I have a confession too. My names not Sister Mary and I don't work in the local nunery, my name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party".
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite
pictures
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her
through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so old I told her to act her age and she died.
Yo mama so old she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.
Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she gets lost in thought.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours,
Yo mama so stupid she has to ask for a price check at the dollar store.
Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave the man a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample.
The next day, the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her month, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel performs here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a tiger charged toward him. Pointing his umbrella at the tiger, he shot and killed the animal on the spot." "Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Somebody must have shot from the side!" "Exactly," replied the doctor.
looks up and says to the monkey, "Wha gwaan?"
The monkey says, "Yu wan some?." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to
the monkey and they burn the herb.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry'and that he's going to get
a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, goes to the river
and leans over to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so high that he leans
too far over, and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims
over to the lizard, helping him to the side, then asks, "What's the matter
with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a
tree smoking a spliff with a monkey and got too stoned, which caused him
to fall into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's got to check this monkey out and walks off, where
he finds the tree and the monkey is still
sitting and puffing on hisjoint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "A wah de Bloodclaat dis?!......
A how much water you drink?!!
Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.
Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said, "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"
Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"
He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher."
She blows up and tells him to go immediately to his room.
His father comes home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?"
Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good."
The father says, "Well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job. We'll go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted."
They go the next day and get the bike.
Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck?"
The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck."
They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?"
The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
"Yeah," his buddy replied," she's gorgeous."
"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."
"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"
"If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??
S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.
S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round
S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?
ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH ?
That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual. She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu wah some a dis?". Her husband looks up at her wide-eyed and says. "No sah, yu mad, yuh nuh see wha it do to yu panty!" | |||||||
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Saw how short the fuse was!!!
A GIFT FOR MY SWEETHEART__this one sick ppl
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love,
Hollingsworth
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
MILAN, Italy -- David Beckham made a surprising start in his Italian league debut Sunday, a solid 89-minute performance for AC Milan in a 2-2 draw with AS Roma.
Beckham failed to score in his first match on loan from the Los Angeles Galaxy, but Alexander Pato got two goals at Stadio Olimpico to help Milan into third place.
"I felt good in the game, very strong and I enjoyed it," Beckham said. "I enjoyed playing with these players and in this city."
Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti said Saturday it would be "difficult" to start Beckham because the former England captain has been inactive for two months. However, Beckham lined up alongside Andrea Pirlo and Clarence Seedorf in midfield.
"I don't want to have regrets in my career," Beckham said. "I am very lucky to have this chance with this great club and I want to enjoy it."
Inter Milan leads the league with 43 points, followed by Juventus with 39, Milan with 34 and Napoli with 33.
Juventus downed Siena 1-0, creating few chances and needing a free kick by Alessandro Del Piero in the 33rd minute. Inter slipped up Saturday by drawing 1-1 with Cagliari.
Napoli made a sluggish return after the winter break, but eventually moved into the Champions League qualification places by beating Catania 1-0. Napoli's win put it ahead of Fiorentina, which lost to Lecce 2-1.
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my P**y?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the P**y blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder P**y can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the P**y winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
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