Gas prices seem to have been skyrocketing in recent years. I remember when gas was $0.70 a gallon (and Im not that old), now it costs $80 to fill up an SUV. Heres a few gas related one liners to bust off next time youre complaining about it at the pump

• My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.
• I have my car towed to work because its cheaper than buying gas.
• All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
• I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.
• For our vacation this summer, were thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

-- Edited by J-goose productions at 23:08, 2009-01-18

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

This is for all the youngsters out there. Some of you arent as experienced with the real world as we adults are. Therefore, weve got a few tips for you - some are better than others but theyre all quite important. Take notes, live and learn, and oh yea dont feed the animals.

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you dont succeed, rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

pt1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXOg23pGeA
pt2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67XTB9fytdA
pt3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua0_88OwrRs

When youre dating Farting is never an issue.
When youre married You make sure theres nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When youre dating He takes you out to have a good time.
When youre married He brings home a 6 pack, and says What are you going to drink?

When youre dating He holds your hand in public.
When youre married He flicks your ear in public.

When youre dating A Single bed for two isnt that bad.
When youre married A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When youre dating You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When youre married You think to yourself Was he always this hairy?

When youre dating You enjoyed foreplay.
When youre married You tell him If we have sex, will you leave me alone?

When youre dating He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When youre married He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When youre dating You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When youre married You wonder who will die first.

When youre dating Just looking at him makes you feel all mushy.
When youre married When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When youre dating He knows what the hamper is.
When youre married The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When youre dating He understands if you Arent in the mood.
When youre married He says Its your job.

When youre dating He understands that you have male friends.
When youre married He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When youre dating He likes to discuss things.
When youre married He develops a blank stare.

When youre dating He calls you by name.
When youre married He calls you Hey and refers to you when speaking to others as She.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Isnt making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OKso if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Q: Why are men like cars?
A: Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Q: If your donkey ate my rooster, what would you have?
A: 2 ft. of my c*ck in your arse.

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says Boy its mighty cold out here!, the other says Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey.

Heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

-- Edited by Kingnuddy at 15:03, 2009-01-19

-- Edited by Kingnuddy at 14:51, 2009-01-19

In a second grade class, a little girl asks,

'Teacher, can my Mommy getpregnant?''

How old is your mother, dear?'

Asks the teacher.'Forty,'

She replies.'Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.'

The little girl then asks, 'Can my big sister get pregnant?'

'Well, dear, how old is your sister?'

The little girl answers, 'Nineteen.'

'Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.'

The little girl then asks; 'Can I get pregnant?'

'How old are you, dear?'

The little girl answers,' I'm seven years old.'

'No, dear, you can't get pregnant...'

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
'See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!'

The teacher fainted!!!!!

-- Edited by Kingnuddy at 15:00, 2009-01-19

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, p*u**y covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all intrest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason. In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then they'd have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one. The woman was skeptacle but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked!The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month.One day she thought "Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the pills at once..." So, completely forgetting Santa's warning she slipped all the remaining pills in her husband's dinner.

Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked hom his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said "So you're the one who sent the pills... well, Mommy's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy's up in the attic going `here kitty kitty"

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room. 
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra, which he does. She then asks him to remove her panties and he this this also. 
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.

Middle aged woman says to her husband

" the man at work says i have the breasts of an 18 year old"

Husband replies sarcastically

" what about your 55 year old cunt?"

wife says

" you werent mentioned"

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, 
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that 
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning." 

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya
know sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire
Station...

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

So from now on womon, when I say 'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.
When I say 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I say 'Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night he came home and shouted:
"Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
"Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell Three!", and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".

"WOMON... What da hic is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.

She replied "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, Man, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA
FIRE!!!!"

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer