Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A woman
calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because
she is not feeling well.
"What's
the matter?" he asks.
"I have
a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What
the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I
can't see my ass coming into work today."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
Katt Williams -Pimpin Pimpin [Killed by a Tiger] dnt knw if this post yet..DWLL..funneist shit in d werl
February 5, 2009
Started By dbizzle — 4 Comments
this is the cartoon for the skecth..dese shit ave me laughin all day eryday
-- Edited by dbizzle at 13:34, 2009-02-05
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing. The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end, bounced off and
across the culvert ou tlet and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling. The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.
Just outside Flagstaff , AZ on US Hwy 100.
Now look at the second picture below...
If this guy didn't believe in GOD before, do you suppose he believes now? Share this your email family and f riends. Let this be a reminder to all of us, GOD is in control!
|
THEY GOT THE MOVES
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to *u*k itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to *u*k itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
THE PENIS WROTE VAGINA A LETTER!!!!!!!!! DWLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 31, 2009
Started By mrs kalongi — 29 Comments
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
> > following reasons:
> > I do physical labor.
> > I work at great depths.
> > I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
> > I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> > I work in a damp environment.
> > I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> > I work in high temperatures.
> > My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > P. Niss
> >
> > The Response
> >
> > Dear Penis:
> > After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
> > you have raised,
> > the administration rejects your request for the following
> > reasons:
> > You do not work 8 hours straight.
> > You fall asleep after brief work periods.
> > You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> > You do not stay
> > in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
> > locations.
> > You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
> > stimulated in
> > order to start working.
> > You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
> > shift.
> > You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
> > such as wearing the
> > Correct protective clothing.
> > You will retire well before you are 65.
> > You are unable to work double shifts.
> > You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
> > have completed the
> > assigned task..
> > And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
> > entering and exiting
> > the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > V. Gina
> >
-- Edited by BABY at 14:15, 2009-01-31
> > following reasons:
> > I do physical labor.
> > I work at great depths.
> > I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
> > I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> > I work in a damp environment.
> > I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> > I work in high temperatures.
> > My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > P. Niss
> >
> > The Response
> >
> > Dear Penis:
> > After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
> > you have raised,
> > the administration rejects your request for the following
> > reasons:
> > You do not work 8 hours straight.
> > You fall asleep after brief work periods.
> > You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> > You do not stay
> > in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
> > locations.
> > You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
> > stimulated in
> > order to start working.
> > You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
> > shift.
> > You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
> > such as wearing the
> > Correct protective clothing.
> > You will retire well before you are 65.
> > You are unable to work double shifts.
> > You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
> > have completed the
> > assigned task..
> > And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
> > entering and exiting
> > the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > V. Gina
> >
-- Edited by BABY at 14:15, 2009-01-31
. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).
15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on and go make me a cup of tea".
If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within 3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to do so.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call.
27. If youre ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off (if she falls over its a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way of getting home. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say your relationship lacks spice again.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).
3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).
15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on and go make me a cup of tea".
If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within 3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to do so.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).
21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.
22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.
26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call.
27. If youre ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off (if she falls over its a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way of getting home. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say your relationship lacks spice again.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
[youtube=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=8BcWl0TrLwQ]
fi di ladies dem: Advantages Of Being A Woman
December 14, 2007
Started By massive vybe — 17 Comments
| Advantages Of Being A Woman | |
Why it's better to be a Woman! 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. |
[youtube=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=oq4SKmYy-3U]
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
OMG!!! these kids - A little kid trying to say *lo** LOL
January 28, 2009
Started By ANDREDESIGNZ — 33 Comments
Animation of the italian man who went to malta
December 28, 2007
Started By Junior_Reid — 14 Comments
Check dis : Animation of the italian man who went to malta , veeery funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqzNecRSJks
-- Edited by Junior_Reid at 07:09, 2007-12-28
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqzNecRSJks
-- Edited by Junior_Reid at 07:09, 2007-12-28
A man is away on business, at a convention for marvellous machines. He found a long corridor lined with machines and decided to try a few. The first he came to was called ''The Wonder Cut''. He inserted his money and did as he was told to do by the instructions. He lay back in the chair and after a few minutes the machine stopped and he hopped out of the chair, with the best hair cut he had ever had.
Further down the corridor he came to a machine that said, 'For the best shave every insert here'', so he inserted his money in and place his face in the slot. And sure enough his face had the best shave he had ever had.
He walked on down the corridor until he came to the last machine. It said ''for the man who has been away from his wife for a long time and is in dire need.. The rest of the words were rubbed of but he got the general idea. He made sure no one was looking and inserted his money, undid his fly and placed his ''thing'' in the hole. The machine rumbled and after a few minutes of extreme pain he withdrew his thing from the hole with a new shiny button neatly sewed on the end.
Further down the corridor he came to a machine that said, 'For the best shave every insert here'', so he inserted his money in and place his face in the slot. And sure enough his face had the best shave he had ever had.
He walked on down the corridor until he came to the last machine. It said ''for the man who has been away from his wife for a long time and is in dire need.. The rest of the words were rubbed of but he got the general idea. He made sure no one was looking and inserted his money, undid his fly and placed his ''thing'' in the hole. The machine rumbled and after a few minutes of extreme pain he withdrew his thing from the hole with a new shiny button neatly sewed on the end.
-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 11:19, 2009-01-30
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "whats on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go roof." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
| The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina |
Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day
just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, "You
know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a f**k for $100! I
don't think I can stay in business at those prices."
Her Mom thinks for a while and says, "Well dear, in my day we would
give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to
get that!"
Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, "The
both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the
depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just
glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, "You
know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a f**k for $100! I
don't think I can stay in business at those prices."
Her Mom thinks for a while and says, "Well dear, in my day we would
give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to
get that!"
Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, "The
both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the
depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just
glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
[youtube=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=IQaC8gjnOYE&feature=related]
LOL ... 
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Pno7TVVcZdM]
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 13:25, 2007-12-15
-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 11:57, 2009-02-01
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Pno7TVVcZdM]
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 13:25, 2007-12-15
-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 11:57, 2009-02-01
Rick Ross CON-fession about being a COP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...DWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
February 1, 2009
Started By Klanz Man — 2 Comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1hoealzD8w
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
[youtube=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=viYwsu1VnXc]
Woman worry about the effects of the sound of jackhammer on her unborn kid
December 12, 2007
Started By jamaicabwoy — 5 Comments
This woman have the nerve
It begins with an ad in Craigslist - a girl looking for a guy.
Girl Asks - What am I doing wrong?
Okay, Im tired of beating around the bush. Im a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. Im articulate and classy.
Im not from New York . Im looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I dont think Im overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But thats where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 wont get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and shes not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you wont hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (Im 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? Ive seen really plain jane boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. Ive seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. Whats the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - Im putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least Im being up front about it. I wouldnt be searching for these kind of guys if I wasnt able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
Guy Replies - We would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, Im not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said heres how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Heres why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But heres the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuityin fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you wont be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, youre 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and holdhence the rubmarriage. It doesnt make good business sense to buy you (which is what youre asking) so Id rather lease. In case you think Im being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. Its as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasnt found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldnt need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say youre going about it the right way. Classic pump and dump.
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Girl Asks - What am I doing wrong?
Okay, Im tired of beating around the bush. Im a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. Im articulate and classy.
Im not from New York . Im looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I dont think Im overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But thats where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 wont get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and shes not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you wont hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (Im 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? Ive seen really plain jane boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. Ive seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. Whats the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - Im putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least Im being up front about it. I wouldnt be searching for these kind of guys if I wasnt able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
Guy Replies - We would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, Im not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said heres how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Heres why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But heres the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuityin fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you wont be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, youre 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and holdhence the rubmarriage. It doesnt make good business sense to buy you (which is what youre asking) so Id rather lease. In case you think Im being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. Its as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasnt found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldnt need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say youre going about it the right way. Classic pump and dump.
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5 each." He thinks that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and says "Son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite and says, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each? They must be something alright" The farmer tells him that "These apples are p*u**y apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and just about throws up. "Yuck!" he screams, "This apple tastes like s**t." The farmer says ... "Turn it around!"
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite and says, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each? They must be something alright" The farmer tells him that "These apples are p*u**y apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and just about throws up. "Yuck!" he screams, "This apple tastes like s**t." The farmer says ... "Turn it around!"
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