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Forum: Funny Stuff

Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)

Presenting the sad life of a dick

February 15, 2009
Started By scuppo27 Comments
It aint easy being a dick..i have a head i cant think with, an eye i cant see out of, i have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour's a real asshole, my best friends a pu ssy. Everytime i get excited i throw up and worst of all....MY OWNER BEATS ME!!
Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake.

Obama created new states from out of the void.

Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers.

Obama came to us carried upon a donkey.

Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men.

Obama was stoned and yet he has risen.

Obama's flock has millions of sheep.

Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms.

You must have no other candidates before Obama.

Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it.




Good Looking Beer

February 19, 2009
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."


Jesus, Moses, and the Old Man

February 13, 2008
Started By CALOSS19 Comments


There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.

All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high nto the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.

Next up,Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird,bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!"

looks like a vagina

May 11, 2008
Started By Dane29 Comments
gg
Pause with me... enjoy this taste of our very expressive language!

PRICELESS JAMAICAN TRANSLATIONS
(Refresher course fe de farinas an de wannabe's!!)

ENGLISH: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl.

JAMAICAN: Gal yuh noh dead yet?

ENG: Good Lord, we have lost electricity again.

JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid.


ENG: This meal is quite good.

JAM: Di food can eat.


ENG: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis?

ENG: Interesting hors d'oeuvres
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?

ENG: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof.

JAM: Hey dutty P** come aff a di house tap before a du yuh someting

ENG: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu.

JAM: Woah! Obeah tek up Suzie!

ENG: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry!

ENG: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: You did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurement inna wata?

ENG: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.


ENG: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.

JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.


ENG: I wish you would quit lying.

JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad!

ENG: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.

JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

ENG: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!
JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey!

ENG: Get me a pop please.

JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh

ENG: It's time for a Perm.

JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough?

E NG: Yuck!! This is nasty.

JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad!

ENG: I wish you would close your mouth.

JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan lack.


ENG: Girl, your acne is terrible.

JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.


ENG: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.

JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.


EN G: I have a stomach ache.

JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.


ENG: These mangoes look a bit over ripe.

JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh

ENG: He has very large full eyes.

JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

ENG: He has no manners.

JAM: Him dont have no broughtupsi!

ENG: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green

ENG: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet

ENG: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder.

JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!

ENG: He has a touch of Dyslexia.

JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!

ENG: I need a bottle of Peptobismol...my stomach hurts.

JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now... mi belly bine up.


ENG: That man over there is missing his dentures.

JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh.


ENG: Oh my, your feet are so ashy..
JAM: Yuh foot tuff like aligata back; yuh couldn 't rub likkle .

coconut ile pon yu foot

ENG: LOL
JAM: DWL

ENG: LMFAO
JAM: DWRCL





-- Edited by NAWTEECHILD at 02:18, 2009-02-23

Penis... big ol penis.

February 25, 2008
Started By CALOSS21 Comments


A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem.
What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. You will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." "Fifteen inches is still a monster" he reflected for a moment. "Just a little less would be ideal." he thought. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head in disgust, "How many times do I have to tell you?


"NO!"......





"NO!"......





and, for the last time "NO!"
A farmer was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Interviewer: What is your name?
Farmer : Johnson

Interviewer: Sex?
Farmer: Six to ten times a week

Interviewer: I mean, male or female?
Farmer: Both male and female and sometimes even camels

Interviewer: Holy cow!!
Farmer: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Interviewer: Man ........ isn't it hostile?
Farmer: Horse style, dog style, any style

Interviewer: Ohhh.......dear!
Farmer: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Fun Things download an hear it (kew)

February 18, 2009
Started By kewani14 Comments
http://usershare.net/h33cwzafm164 one off JJ sample in it lmao
kipree it bless

||Breed Har Agen!!|| LMAO_ pre it

February 13, 2009
Started By jc skyline33 Comments
A 17 year-old Jamaican girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test. 

Confirming her worst fears, the test result is positive. Shouting, swearing and crying, the Mother says, "Which ra** man do dis to you? Mi need fi know now!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a BMW X5 pulls up in front of their house; a dapper looking man dressed in an Armani suit steps out and walks to the house. 

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, & the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. 

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a factory and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and very decisively tells him, "You can breed har again ..." 

Juicy Squirt

September 11, 2008
Started By djshadow30 Comments
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

HOPE U CAN READ THE SIGNS (DWL LOL)

February 15, 2009
Started By Nickquane25 Comments
 
rl


-- Edited by ***DK*** at 12:49, 2009-02-12

Definitely .........!!!!

February 11, 2009
Started By River$Ide26 Comments
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"viewcount.php?type=joke&id=924&s=

Kartel Ramps Wid Spice.....lol

February 12, 2009
Started By Garrick50 Comments
20090211T190000-0500_146060_OBS_EDITORIAL_CARTOON___FEBRUARY__________1.jpg

scary story

December 9, 2007
Started By CALOSS13 Comments


There was a contest in TCS to write a fictional story for 500 words max which would start with the line
"On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Chennai station "
This is what a guy wrote for the contest....... and surprisingly, it was adjudged the best short story : ))

On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Chennai station. At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it. There was b*o**d all over the body which was lying face down. It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the gory b*o**d flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the b*o**d stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it. With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer. I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors. Thunders broke into my ears and lightening strf**k my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"... As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.
While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials. This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready".

DIVORCE VS MURDER.....

February 14, 2009
Started By dj naz30 Comments
DJ-NAZ copy.gifA NICE, CALM AND RESPECTABLE LADY WENT INTO THE PHARMACY, WALKED UP TO THE
> PHARMACIST, LOOKED STRAIGHT INTO HIS EYES, AND SAID, "I WOULD LIKE TO BUY
> SOME CYANIDE."
>
>
>
> THE PHARMACIST ASKED, "WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU NEED CYANIDE?"
>
> THE LADY REPLIED, "I NEED IT TO POISON MY HUSBAND."
>
> THE PHARMACIST'S EYES GOT BIG AND HE EXCLAIMED, "LORD HAVE MERCEY! I CAN'T
> GIVE YOU CYANIDE TO KILL YOUR HUSBAND.
>
> THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW! I'LL LOSE MY LICENSE! THEY'LL THROW BOTH OF US IN
> JAIL! ALL KINDS OF BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN. ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU CANNOT HAVE
> ANY CYANIDE!"
>
>
>
> THE LADY REACHED INTO HER PURSE AND PULLED OUT A PICTURE OF HER HUSBAND IN
> BED WITH THE PHARMACIST'S WIFE. THE PHARMACIST LOOKED AT THE PICTURE AND
> REPLIED, "WELL NOW, THAT'S A DIFFERENT. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A
> PERSCRIPTION!".
>
Two jamacian were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike. His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?" I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you". Welcome to the corporate world!!! __ __________________________________________________________________ A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon. As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through! Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. " The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey ^^^I THINK THIS ONE WAS POST ALREADY....^^^

where is my wife

March 27, 2007
Started By JA_CANE31 Comments
IPB Image

Lesson 6

February 2, 2009
Started By ANDREDESIGNZ 23 Comments
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Send this to at least five bright, funnypeople you know and make their day!





So president Bush decides to vist Galager Elementary one day and randomly chooses a class. He walks in and finds tthe teacher teaching about word meanings. She asks him to explain the word tragedy. So he asks them the meaning of tragedy. Jim answers, "If I'm on a farm with a friend and a tractor kills us, that would be a tragedy." Bush answered, "No, that would be an accident." Then Sue stood and said, "If a bus full of my friends drives of the edge of a cliff, that would be a tragedy." Bush answered, "No, that would be a great loss." So Bush goes around the class, but there are no more answers. Finally, Little Johnny sitting in the corner says, "If an air force plane carrying you and your wife is hit with a 'friendly fire' missile, that would be a tragedy." Bush replied, "Yes. Can you tell me why its a tragedy." Johnny replies smartly, "Because it wouldn't be an accident and it wouldn't be a f**king great loss either."

Stompin' on Heaven's Door

May 17, 2008
Started By bad4life7112 Comments
One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."

Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the teacher asked why.

Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

All Screwed Up -

February 19, 2009
 guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen - I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Dead Rooster ........ LOLLLLLL

February 11, 2009
Started By River$Ide27 Comments
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"viewcount.php?type=joke&id=928&s=

POOR FAT MAN

February 15, 2009
Started By BRAINSBOX34 Comments

white jamaican

August 27, 2007
Started By CALOSS62 Comments

1967 vs 2007 lmao

November 8, 2007
Started By CALOSS29 Comments

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Team's investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.rorororo



Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
it must b 68 cuz at 69 u flip over

gang bang...yute get sort out

February 22, 2009
Started By Kingnuddy11 Comments

Must of been a Rough Night!?

September 3, 2007
Started By CALOSS33 Comments


Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??".
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party".
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
yo if dis post already, delete it zimi...



lmao
Smart man+ smart woman = romance


 

Smart man+dumb woman = affair


 

Dumb man+smart woman = marriage


 

Dumb man+ dumb woman = pregnancy


 

 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC


 

Smart boss+ smart employee = profit


 

Smart boss+dumb employee = production


 

Dumb boss+smart employee = promotion


 

Dumb boss+dumb employee = overtime


 

 

SHOPPING MATH


 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


 

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


 

 

HAPPINESS


 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.


 

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


 

 

LONGEVITY


 

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


 

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


 

 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


 

A woman has the last word in any argument.


 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


 

 

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

not sure if this posted already..but this is propah funny..lol

Blonde Policewomen?

August 18, 2007
Started By CALOSS20 Comments
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

The Lonely Frog!

February 19, 2009
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
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*
*
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old. Not dead!

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1) 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'   
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and *u*king the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and *u*ked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
little Ralphy a di boss maaaadddd lol


-- Edited by junior mafia at 20:44, 2009-02-21

Spoiler
Because They Taste Funny


-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 23:12, 2009-02-19

1 ra**ss baxxxxx lolol

April 13, 2008
Started By Blue165 Comments


lollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollollol

-- Edited by Blue at 23:25, 2008-04-13

Bet Bit

February 12, 2009
Started By silvershadow11 Comments

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I could lick my eyeball So the bartender says, Youre on.

The guy removes his glass eye, licks it, and pops it back in. The bartender laughs and willingly gives the guy his cash. The next day, the guy walks in again with another bet.

Bartender, I bet you $100 I could bite my elbow. The bartender agrees. So the guys pulls out his dentures, bites his elbow, and pops them back in. The bartender laughs and grudgingly forks over the $100.

The next day the same guy walks in and says Bartender, I bet you $500 I could place a shot glass at the end of the bar and piss in it from here without spilling a drop. So the bartender thinks this is a no lose situation.

He agrees. So the guy stands on the bar, pulls down his drawers and proceeds to piss all over the place. He pees all over the bartender, the customers, in peoples drinks everywhere. The bartender is rolling on the floor with laughter. You owe me $500!

Thats ok, says the guy, I just bet those two guys at the end of the bar I could piss on you and still make you laugh!

PRANK CALL GONE BAD




-- Edited by ***DK*** at 12:54, 2009-02-12

Check It!

February 14, 2009
Started By Snyders4 Comments
Micheal Da bm....
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