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Forum: Funny Stuff

Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)

old men can still think

February 26, 2009
Started By dappa75wifie11 Comments

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but they can still think fast.


LITTLE JOHNNY AGAIN LOL LMAO

February 26, 2009
Started By dappa75wifie1 Comments
At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister
Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know
and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for a headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'

'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep', replied the student.

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'

'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister
Catherine.

'It is used for diarrhea.'

'And who told you this, Johnny?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra,
and
maybe yuh shit will get harder.''


Sister Catherine fainted.
A Jamaican US Marine stationed in Iraq
recently recieved a "Dear John" letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in brooklyn.

It read as follows:

Dear Leroy, mi cyan continue di relationship wid yu enuh, because dis ya long distance ting mi cyan deal wid, yu juss too baxide far and dis ya vagina need some buddy. mi afi admit dat mi gi yu bun two time since yu gone and it nuh fair to di both a we still, so mi really sorry , so since we nuh deh nuh more , a beg yu please to send back mi picha whe mi did send to yu.

love Gwendolyn

The Marine, with hurt feelings asked his fellow Marines for any snap shot they could spare of their
girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. in addition to the picture of Gwendolyn, Leroy included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope...along with this note:

Dear Gwendolyn,

Mi really sorry but mi cyan rememba who yu be , so baby please to pick out fi yu picha from di pile and send back di ress to mi, tanks ...

take care
Leroy.

 Two fleas from Wisconsin had an
> > agreement to meet every winter in Miami for
> > a
> > vacation.
> > Last year
> > when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering
> > and
> > shaking, nearly
> > froze to death!
> > The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'
> > The
> > first flea says, 'I rode down here from Milwaukee in
> > the moustache of a
> > guy
> > on a
> > Harley.'
> >
> > The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst
> > way
> > to travel. Try what
> > I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks.
> > While you are there,
> > look for
> > a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and
> > nestle in where it's warm and cozy.
> > It's
> > the best way to travel that I
> > can think of.' The first flea thanks the
> > second flea
> > and says he will
> > give it a try next winter.
> >
> > A year goes by..... When the first flea
> > shows up in Miami he is all blue,
> > and shivering and shaking
> > again.
> > Nearly froze to death. The second flea says,
> > 'Didn't you try what I
> > told
> > you?'
> > 'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as
> > you said ... I
> > went to the
> > Metro airport bar. I
> > had a few drinks. Finally, this nice
> > young stewardess came in. I crawled
> > right up
> > to her warm cozy spot. It
> > was so nice and warm that I fell asleep
> > immediately. When
> > I woke up, I
> > was back in the moustache of the guy on the
> > Harley.
>
>
>
>


sorry darling not big enough

February 2, 2009
Started By DJ Kem35 Comments
sorry darling not big enough 2.jpg
Windows 98JE - Jamaican Edition Dear Constumas: It look lik dem mek mistake an ship out couple a copies of WINDOWS 98/YAADIE VERSION somwhere ina Idaho. If you good ole counry folks in Idaho need a translatian fi di comman dem here dem is: When yuh open di Yaadie edition yuh wi si di opening screen. It reads: WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square. When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di Bad bwoy antem: "Murdara *la*hd deh pan yuh shoulda" by Buju Banton. Please also note: Recycle Bin is labeled "General Penitentiary." My Computer is called "A Fimi Own." The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come." Deleted Items are referred to as "Gaan, Rub out, Yuh Salt." Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellie." Control Panel is known as the "Babylon." Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "Smuggling not allowed unless part of the Govament". Hard Drive is referred to as "Stiff wood." Instead of an error message, a "Ediat! Yuh know weh yuh a do?" pops up. CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIE EDITION: OK................Cool Noh Cancel...........No badda yah man Reset.............Rewine Yes...............Irie No................No sah Find.............. Look fi it Browse............Faas Back..............Tun roun Help.............. (this is not a feature ...Jamaicans know it all an doan need noh help) Stop..............Dun now Start.............Gwan troo Settings..........Di set up Also note dat keyboard noh of di YAADIE EDITION no ave di letter "H." Wi doan use dat in wi vocabulary ..So dis is how yuh mus type certain H words: Help.. elp Horrible..Arrible Heart..Art Heavy .. Ebby Honda.. Unda Handkerchif .. Kerchief Holiday..Alliday Please feel free to return any found YAADIE EDITION to the INS for instant deportation back to JA.

A Sweet Ass Story

January 18, 2009
Started By TROYYY21 Comments
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, ?Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar??

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream ?Oh Henry, Oh Henry!?

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, ?Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.? I said, ?Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey??

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, ?Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!? as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!

Extra Extra read all about it!!!

February 2, 2009
Started By DJ Kem26 Comments






This is crime story! 5 Friends lived in 1 room: MAD, BRAIN, FOOL,NOBODY & SOMEBODY.


One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. AT thAt time BRAIN was in the BATHROOM. MAD called the Police.

MAD:'is it the police station?'

Police: 'yes, what is the matter?'

MAD: 'SOMEBODY killed NOBODY'

Police:'are you MAD?'

MAD: 'yes i'm MAD'

Police: 'do u have a BRAIN?'

MAD: BRAIN is in the Bathroom....'

Police: 'you FOOL


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MAD: 'No sir....FOOL is reading this joke.... lol

CXC Answers

November 3, 2008
Started By GA22 Comments
The following questions were set in last year's CXC/GCSE examinations

These are genuine responses from 16 year olds

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax,  the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, O,U, and I.


Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.


Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.


Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport


Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.


English

Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

Understanding Bra codes

February 3, 2009
Started By DJ Kem21 Comments












-- Edited by DJKem at 22:51, 2009-02-03
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

Norse Gods Orgy

January 18, 2009
Started By TROYYY26 Comments
In ancient times the great Norse gods were engaged in a protracted orgy. It had gone on for several days.

Finally, all were completely sated.

The first to rouse from his slumber was the Great Norse God Thor. He stood, reached down, picked up his wrap and placed it around his waist.

He looked around the Great Hall, noticing and remembering all the beautiful women with whom he had had occasion to copulate. He was very pleased.

He took several deep breaths and realized he was rejuvenated.

Looking about the Great Hall, he noticed movement back against the back wall. Squinting his eyes for sharper focus, he saw a young lady struggling to gain her feet. She was supporting herself on one of the great columns.

She was beautiful. It had been her first orgy and she had had a really great time.

Thor realized that he had not had this particular beauty over the past several days. She was up. He was up, so to speak. Why not?

"Hello!", he bellowed. "I'm Thor!"

"You're thor?", she said. "Why, I'm tho thor, I can hardly pith!"

The Nuns and The Blind Man

December 15, 2008
Started By djshadow12 Comments
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. 

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Elephant Penis

October 9, 2007
Started By CALOSS31 Comments




Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."


Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"


"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."


Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."


A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"


With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

Blew Chunks.

February 12, 2009
Started By silvershadow13 Comments

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.

The second said, You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I dont even have insurance!

The third proclaimed, Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, Listen girls, I dont think you understand. Chunks is my dog.

[Props to Ms. Croll, my co-worker..she build the debate uzeet].

If you are really crazy about your partner, he/she is taking great care of you, the intimacy is great and everything is clicking but he/she happens to be cheating, would you want him/her to tell you? Several young persons in western Jamaica gave their views.

Kurt "Two-spliff" Roberts: There are a few things to take into consideration:
Has she mastered the basic art of self defence?
Who is the sex great for me/her or both?
Is she my personal girl or just one on the side? -Either way One can be crazy about a girl who is someone elses. I guess that while knowing would seem the better choice, it all depends on the type of relationship/understanding that they want/have. If she is my personal girl and cheating, and I dont even have a clue I guess I would deserve it. Other wise, she telling me, would just be a confession to something I already know. Maybe I just couldnt prove it.
To be on the safe side, I try not to let my guards down with naivety. As the good book says put not thy trust in the woman that lay on thy breast.

Trudy "Pie" Willis: What you dont know wont hurt you. Sometimes you have to settle with what you have.

Selena
"titi" Ketyl: Well, it would be better to find out from him than from somebody else. I would be livid of course, but in the final analysis, at least he was half a man enough to come clean. On the other hand, the relationship for me would be kaput; I couldnt possibly be with someone who doesnt respect me enough to be faithful.

Camille "BuffBay" Smith: It depends. For instance, if the guy increases his sexual skills prior to cheating, there may be space for comprimising. Ohterwise, no.

Sadikie "Pipsqueek" Ricketts: I would not want to know. I have had previous bad experiences with other girls and once she doesn't tell me im fine with it.

Airbags

February 3, 2009
Started By DJ Kem9 Comments
a8f84458a9a23450f1f5398df405370a_funny-sport-moments-074-1-tm.jpg

funny_sport_picture_1.jpg

0102070435700wx9.jpg

FunnySportsPhotos020.jpg

funny_sports_pictures_02.jpg

FunnySportsPhotos017.jpg

SportsTiming3.jpg

RooneyDive1710_468x416.jpg

funny-football-pic.jpg

apa1.jpg

funny_sport_photo_06.jpg

Ronaldoandreferee_WEB.jpg

bigscare.jpg


-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 15:02, 2008-05-05

Scrap

February 12, 2009
Started By Snyders10 Comments
Various Pics

Big Sale

January 22, 2009
Started By Snyders29 Comments
Men start making loans 4 da sale
zone pre this



Look out for the next tune dem yute yah a work pon 

remember its just for fun ..LOL


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-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:00, 2009-02-24

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:01, 2009-02-24

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 21:09, 2009-02-24

LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE.. FORWARD ON      
TO PEOPLE THAT YOU THINK THAT WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF THIS...
 
INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.
 
PUT YOUR BIRTHDAY ANIMAL IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND PASS IT ON.
 
 

 January 01 - 09 ~  Ass
January 10 - 24 ~   Slug  
January 25 - 31 ~   c**kroach

February 01 - 05  ~ Parasite
February 06 - 14 ~   Bullfrog
February 15 - 21 ~   Skunk    
February 22 - 28 ~   Snake

March 01 - 12 ~   Ape
March 13 - 15 ~   c**kroach
March 16 - 23 ~   Slug
March 24 - 31 ~   Parasite

April 01 - 03 ~   Ass  
April 04 - 14 ~   Snake
April 15 - 26 ~   Slug  
April 27 - 30 ~   Skunk

May 01 - 13 ~   Slug
May 14 - 21 ~   Bullfrog
May 22 - 31 ~   c**kroach

June 01 - 03 ~   Slug
June 04 - 14 ~   Skunk
June 15 - 20 ~   Ass
June 21 - 24 ~ Ape
June 25 - 30 ~   Parasite

July 01 - 09 ~  Slug
July 10 - 15 ~   Ass
July 16 - 26 ~   Bullfrog
July 27 - 31 ~   Parasite

August 01 - 15 ~   Ape
August 16 - 25 ~   Slug
August 26 - 31 ~   Skunk  

September 01 -  14 ~  Bullfrog
September 15 - 27 ~   Parasite
September 28 - 30 ~   Ass

October 01 - 15  ~  Ape
October 16 - 27 ~   Skunk  
October 28 - 31 ~   Snake

November 01 - 16  ~   c**kroach
November 17 - 30  ~   Parasite  

December 01 - 16  ~  Ass
December 17 - 25 ~   Ape
December 26 - 31 ~   Bullfrog

If you are a  Ass : A very loyal and  sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and  sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple  person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains  the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes.  If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed.  Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of  th em being quality-personified.

If you are a
Slug
: Always up to some  sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute  and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person.  No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all  get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to  select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and  play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God  bless the person then!

If you are a
c**kroach
: Quite contradictory to your name, you  are a peace loving person.. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are  required to fight.. An outdoor person, you disl ike sitting at one place for a  long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive  work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of  limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... Hence some people  could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work  done. So be careful.....

If you are a
Parasite
: An extremely  lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times,  you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of  each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to,  you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look  forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along  freely but don't like talking muc h to strangers. People feel very easy in your  company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a   Skunk
: You are near to  perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated  in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even  to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to  talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give,  give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in  return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what  remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a
 Bullfrog
  :You symbolize a  very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or  cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You  are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their  times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites.  They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you.  Beware; it is easy for you to fall in love....  


If you are a  Snake
 : You are  mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to  gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations  and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help  people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If  you are a
Ape: Very impatient and  hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the centre of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!! 


**1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good
memory....I don't remember which one I chose.**
**2. My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.**

**3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.**

**4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."**

**5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.**

**6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.**

**7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, TryWeekly and Try Weakly.**

**8. Virginity can be cured!**
**9. Virginity is not dignity; It's a lack of opportunity.**
**10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.**

**11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.**
**12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.**

**13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?**

** Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.**

**14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.**

**15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?**
** Answer: Life *u*ks, job *u*ks and the wife doesn't.**

**16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?**
** Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.**

**17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
men still sleep with their wives!**
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.viewcount.php?type=joke&id=1116&s=

Football blooper1 lol

December 23, 2007
Started By Gates16 Comments
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZNTQZCm07LI

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 15:05, 2007-12-23

beaver ranger

July 9, 2007
Started By JA_CANE22 Comments
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161 CONDOM SLOGANS!!!!!!!

February 11, 2009
Started By River$Ide26 Comments
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that gra** hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe herviewcount.php?type=joke&id=358&s=

WARNING: These are RUDE.

July 8, 2008
Started By STUWY7729 Comments
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarra** an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a p*u**yy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."





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"HELLO ASSHOLE"

CAT GETS STUCK ON CEILING FAN

February 15, 2009
Started By BRAINSBOX27 Comments

More PimPin Curly lool

February 22, 2009

lmao noo sahlol

how they call thins dancing

February 18, 2009
Started By Major Krazy20 Comments

Girl & Preist (This is a must read)

February 19, 2009
Started By Chabee14 Comments
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!"

lmaolol
not sure if this was posted already...delete if it was please...pretty funny tho..lolbiggrinbiggrin

Dear Tide

February 19, 2009
Dear TideDear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his *lo** on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.



-- Edited by mz más quería veterano on Tuesday 1st of June 2010 08:22:38 AM
download.spark?ID=422820&forumID=101645

-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 17:43, 2009-02-15

BEER BOTTLE DOMINO

February 10, 2009
Started By BRAINSBOX14 Comments


-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 16:28, 2009-02-15

STUMP

July 9, 2007
Started By JA_CANE9 Comments
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