Forum: Funny Stuff
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the *lo**stream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kiss ing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts *lo** vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help c****at asthma and hay fever.
-- Edited by GLAMAROUS_RUE on Tuesday 19th of May 2009 10:10:02 AM
-- Edited by bblunt on Tuesday 19th of May 2009 08:34:59 AM
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?........
Sum Ting Wong !
-- Edited by Niquee on Tuesday 12th of May 2009 12:18:15 AM
Portia vs bruce part 2 !!!!!!!!!!shebada style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lol
"a bull can screw 3000 times a year"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Chuck Norris saves a bakery
May 07, 2009 12:00am
A POSH bakery in Split, Croatia, has been broken into almost every week.
But not since the shop owners posted a life-sized photo of the toughest man in Hollywood Chuck Norris in the window.
The sign says: This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris.
Now the bakery hasn't had a single burglary for more than a month.
Sales assistant Mirna Kovac said: "To be honest we just started it as a joke but it really has worked. Thieves haven't been anywhere near us for ages. People seem to respect him.
"Everyone around here has seen his films and he's quite a popular character, perhaps even among criminals, so they've decided to leave us alone."
She added though: "We have had a few customers come in and ask us whether they can get Chuck's autograph.
They really believe he is sitting in our storeroom out the back ready to pounce on any burglars."
Don't mess with the bakery ... Chuck Norris
So the Jamaican walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and the horse starts laughing.
The bartender gives the Jamaican free drinks for the night.
The next night the same Jamaican comes back in and the bartender says "If you can make that horse cry, I'll give you free drinks again tonight."
So the Jamaican walks over to the horse and does something then the horse starts crying.
Again the bartender has no choice but to give the Jamaican free drinks again for the night.
So as he's pouring the first drink he asks the Jamaican what he did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The Jamaican says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger d***k than he does, and to make him cry, I showed him."
Naked Picture Render
"""It should be in software section"""
This little app will allow you to take a picture of a full dressed person and using realistic flesh tones and advanced line identification and sculpting techniques convert the image to a naked version.
This version is save disabled but will allow you to view the naked picture full screen so simply use PrtScr and pastes the image into your favourite image program. I have been using it all night and have to say it is almost imposable to tell the images have been digitally altered the images are so good.
First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on.
He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same.
Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks,
"Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell"
"What do they do in here?" He asks.
"Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Jamaican Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!"
"But that is just like all the other Hells". The man said, " Why is the line so long?"
"Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the electricity always lock off, the electric chair always naah work, sumbady tief di nail dem, and di Jamaican Devil a public servant, so he cum in an' punch him time card den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!"
Pics From HALLE BERRY new movie...[HER NIPPLE SLIPS OUT] NOT FOR CHILDREN (12/26/08)*-*
Halle Berry breast slip on the set of her new movie Frankie and Alice....
-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 01:15, 2008-12-26
-- Edited by Shem at 01:17, 2008-12-26
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to f**k off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.
Q. What's the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long gra**? A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still *u*ks.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
-- Edited by djoasis on Sunday 17th of May 2009 05:23:52 PM
A man and woman were sound asleep, when suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning,
a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, startled out of her sleep, jumped up from the bed and yelled, ' Oh
Shit! That must be my husband!'
Instantly the man bolted from the bed, grabbed his clothes and shoes and ran
naked out the back door and dove off the porch. He smashed himself on the
ground, ran through thorn bushes, and reached his
car, bleeding and exhausted.
A few minutes later he returned and screams at the
woman: 'I'M your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah? So Why were you running? You son of a bitch!'
Who's guilty?
-- Edited by Cree on Thursday 7th of May 2009 08:42:21 PM
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl..
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
-- Edited by madest-one on Thursday 14th of May 2009 03:16:32 AM
MAKE ME V.I.P. OR ELSE..................................
MAKE ME V.I.P. OR THE CAT GETS IT
Hear the man inna the back ground man
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fcuk your brains out, and *u*k your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of travelling and always takes her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV.. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open..
She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
R. Kelly Cartoon: To Catch a Predator "Official Video'' LOL LOL LOL
Mr. Cadbury met Mrs. Rowntree in a room on quality street,
it was after 8,
he turned out the lights for a bit of black magic!
he slipped his hand in her snickers and showed her his curlywurly.
not keen to have any jelly babies,
she let him take a trip up bournevilla boulevard.
she screemed with turkish delight!
as he took out his fun sized mars bar, it felt a bit crunchie,
an she wanted some time out but he did a twirl and
had a picnic in her pink wafer
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ......do people orderdouble cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning '*lo**sucking creatures'.
Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?
![IMG]](http://i42.tinypic.com/2en3p09.jpg%5B/IMG%5D)
-- Edited by Bentley, British on Friday 8th of May 2009 01:54:58 AM
Here supposedly are true accounts of crazy deaths. We are not vouching for their authenticity--only their humor.
JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK -------------------- A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore--where a tree blew over and killed him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS --------------------- Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge--killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE --------------- Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE -------------------------- George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
POOR SUCKER -------------- Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST ----------------------- In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN'T PAY ------------------- A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!! HOW SAD!
-- Edited by Niquee on Sunday 10th of May 2009 09:27:39 PM
-- Edited by Niquee on Tuesday 12th of May 2009 12:23:15 AM
Ok guys, own up...which one are you?
Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.
Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.
Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.
Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.
Embarra**ed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.
c**k-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.
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