Forum: Funny Stuff
The Cutest n Softess Thing Of The World.
.
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*Be Flexable
*Ride Hard
*Fu*k Well
*Never Rest
*Be My Loyal C0cky
We stretch........We cry..........Position ends
What a way of life our cut cook felne frenz
They crow..............We Meow..........Sex is one big game we love our c**kies no other pet is quite the same
Lord of Lord, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, Son of Haile Selassie I". The person inside replied: "A me one dey yah, an mi nah open de door fi so much ah oonu".
-- Edited by owadkelly at 01:10, 2009-01-14
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT f**kING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the c**k was missing.
He knew about the c**k fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a c**k?' All the men stood up.
'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a c**k?' All the women stood up.
'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c**k that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up !
'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY c**k?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
hairy & tight hole makes u feel better?
- Spoiler
- Answer : Vicks Inhaler
-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Tuesday 2nd of June 2009 10:42:47 PM
Robert John Ward, 66, was arrested Monday for alleged bestiality. Deputies began investigating Ward after a family member called authorities with the allegation.
Ward admitted to a deputy that he had touched the dog inappropriately and that he'd had the dog perform sexual acts on him, according to the sheriff's office.
A vet examined the dog and found that her anal glands were swollen, the sheriff's office said.
The accusing relative said the dog had been acting strange for several weeks.
Ward's being held without bond at the Rappahannock Regional Jail.
CHICKEN SANDWICHES
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards"!!!
This Penguin
So there's this Penguin and he is having some car issues so he drives his car to the auto shop owned by a Walrus... The Walrus says, come back in 30 minutes and I'll tell you what is wrong with your car... So the Penguin decides to take a walk and on his walk he notices an ice cream shop and decides to stop for a nice treat. He orders a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and dives right into it...he has no hands though so he has to rely on his little paddle flippers and ice cream flies over the store, on his face etc...He finishes the ice cream and walks back to the auto shop... The Penguin asks the Walrus what is wrong with his car and the Walrus replies..."It looks like you blew a seal..." and the Penguin replies..."No, that's just ice cream..."
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Tuesday 2nd of June 2009 11:37:37 PM
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "Its okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
HOW TO KILL A CHEATING MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LMAO
-- Edited by BABY on Friday 15th of May 2009 02:18:08 PM
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:"It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have
many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana
doesn't hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to
find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS:
Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst this in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer. "
Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."
Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.
Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace. May we rest in your dwelling while our space ship is fixed?" The husband's eyes almost popped out of his head because the female alien had a WICKED body.
Husband: "Come een, come een. Of course you can come an' res' yuhself." So the husband and wife fed and watered their guests and showed them to their room for the night.
Male Alien: "Where we come from it is our tradition to swop partners when we have guests." Well, the husband was up to it, because the female alien was seriously turning him on with her looks.
Husband: "Well, dats alright with me."
Wife: "Oh, I don't know, because I don't really believe in dat kind of t'ing."
Husband: "Come on honey, is only a lickle bit of fun, an nobody nuh gwine know."
Wife: "Well, OK then."
The male alien takes the wife into his room, and, knowing that she wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea, he was very gentle and gave her plenty foreplay. When they got into the swing of things the male alien asked, "would you like a bit more length?"
Wife: "Likkle more length,? hee! hee!, a wha yuh mean? How you gwine do dat?"
So the alien twists his right ear, and presto!, his willy gets longer. Well the wife was having a whale of a time when the Alien asked, "would you like a bit more width?"
Wife: "Width! Well, OK then."
So the alien twists his left ear, and presto!, his willy gets fatter.
The following morning the wife wakes up with the biggest smile you can imagine on her face and walks into the living room to find her husband looking vex sitting on the sofa.
Wife: "Hello darling, did you have a good night last night?"
Husband: "Stuups ..... No! All night long di damn woman just deh deh a twis up, twis up mi r**s ears dem".
-- Edited by owadkelly at 01:11, 2009-01-14
-- Edited by owadkelly at 01:11, 2009-01-14
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
All of us have been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarra**ment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out-Of-The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out-Of-The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out-Of-The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is, a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarra**ing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an Escaping Turd. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope this Survival Guide helps, as the WORK POOP is an inevitable part of life.
a Yale graduate and a Jamaican Rasta man. They were given a word and were allowed two
minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was Timbuktu .
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand, trecked a lonely caravan;
Men on camelstwo by two; their destination? Timbuktu .
A big applause went up! No way could the Rasta man top that, they thought.
The Rasta man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim, while out on the road,
Got cornered by three thieves, armed with board.
They were three, and we were two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu .
The crowd went wild!! The Rasta man won.
The Trini responds, "A chicken Roti." The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Bajan requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Jamaican requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: "Plums???"
"Yes, plums" says the Jamaican
The warden replies, "But them outa season!"
"So?" replies the Jamaican "I gwine wait...
BTW:::: It's for dogs!!!!
-- Edited by PrincessLeah on Monday 1st of June 2009 01:41:22 PM
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