Forum: Funny Stuff
PEOPLE UNO HAFFI SEE THIS "THIS DUDE HERE IS GETTING IT INNNN"
NOW SHOWING IN LOCK-UP "TWINS OF TWINS" MY GOD!!!
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
THE MADDEST HIP HOP TUNE MI EVA HEAR IN A WHILE
-- Edited by cgh567 on Friday 30th of October 2009 07:00:54 PM
some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the
dress.
Husband - Bad command or file
name.
Wife - but I told you about it in
morning
Husband - erroneous syntax,
abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - Oh my god! forget it.
Where's your salary?.
Husband - file in use, read only,
try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your
credit card, I can do some
shopping.
Husband - sharing violation,
access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in
marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you
in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press
ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation
between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with
write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your
life?
Husband - unknown virus
detected.
Wife - do you love me or your
computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad?s
house.
Husband - program performed
illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and
log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to
you.
Husband - shut down the
computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn
off your computer.
rate on a scale of 1-10
FOR 40 YEARS RECORDS FELL BY 100THS OF A SECOND AT A TIME....THEN CAME THE LIGHTNING BOLT
SIIIICKEST WAY FI HITCH A RIDE----------PREE THIS IT MADDD
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a p**sy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and ****ed it,
and called it a !@#$.
A must see!! Little girl cusses aunty...shi just caan bother!!!
http://www.youtube.com/v/tramh0n4o9U
-- Edited by yellow at 09:49, 2008-03-08
-- Edited by yellow at 09:50, 2008-03-08
-- Edited by +0p$h0++@ (Mod) on Thursday 15th of October 2009 10:37:32 AM
10 facts
1.Your reading my comment
2. Now your saying/thinking thats a stupid fact.
4. You didnt notice that i skipped 3.
5. Your checking it now.
6. Your smiling.
7. Your still reading my comment.
8. You know all you have read is true.
10. You didnt notice that i skipped 9.
11. Your checking it now.
12. You didnt notice there are only 10 facts
-- Edited by zjmartian888 on Tuesday 13th of October 2009 06:27:16 PM
-- Edited by zjmartian888 on Tuesday 13th of October 2009 06:34:11 PM
Brian;- (Brian chokes up his coffee). What!? Presents?
Peter:- Yeah.
Brian;- Peter, you know you were suppose to deliver one present to the children home, the rest was for the family.
Peter:- No. The present was for the family. The rest was from the family. Wasn't it?
Brian;- (Brian sighs) No Peter.
Peter:- Oh Crap!. When did they change the meanings of for and from.
Brian;- Oh yeah. They had the discussion about it last night.
Peter:- Why wasn't i told all this!?
Brain;- They did. They sent you a letter. I guess the letter wrote 'For Peter' so you thought it was from you so....................................................................... You know what, it would be a lot easier to call you stupid.
What They Want People To Say At Their Funeral!!!!!! me too!!! lol
The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
A WONDER WEH HIM TELL HAR?????
ME A DEAD WITH LAUGHTER
-- Edited by Nickquane on Monday 5th of October 2009 07:48:02 AM
The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.
"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"
The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the
kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out
of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.
The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh raas, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."
Jamaican Amtrak Tale!!!!!!MAN DEM BRIGHT EEEEHH!!!!!!!LOL
"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL!!!LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy,
I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL...
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
900 Jobs Inna Jeopardy!!!!!!!!people nuh easy!!!!!!lol
A man from "deep country" went to the Montego Bay Airport, very
hysterical, carrying his luggage, passport, and other necessary items for
travel. He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter, (with thick
Jamaican accent)" Do, sell me a ticket to Jeopardy, ma'am." The agent
looked confused."Jeopardy, Sir? Where is that?" The man got even more
anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha' time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to
Jeopardy."
The agent looked through her map and other materials. "Sir, there is no
such place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?" The man lost
his temper and slammed his fist on the counter."Look, 'ooman. Mi seh
mi nuh have time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis mawning seh 900 jobs
inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi wan' fi go NOW!"
Cucumber says
"My life sucks, when i get big and fat and juicy they cut me up and toss me into a salad"
Pickle says
" When i get big fat and juicy they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar"
Penis says
" You think thats bad. when i get big fat and juicy they pull a tent over my head stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall till i throw up"
everyone knows about camel toe right? check out this MOOSE KNUCKLE------LMAO
THIS IS SOME FUNNY %&%*, KANYE SEEMS T O BE INTERRUPTING EVERYBODY'S MOMENT. LMAO
Chicken F***ERS 'Not Amused'............LOL LOL THIS MADDDD
New York anchorman Ernie Anastos' now-infamous verbal slip, "Keep F***ing that chicken," has raised the ire of one group who thinks it's no laughing matter: America's chicken-F***ers.
Tracy Klugian, a prominent chicken-F***er who heads a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of chicken-F***ers in the media, says that his group is "not at all amused" by the recent spate of jokes that use Mr. Anastos' on-air *la*hper as a punchline.
"Our message is a simple one: chicken-F***ers have feelings, too," he said.
Mr. Klugian said that the explosion of chicken-F***ing jokes on late-night TV and on the Internet are "insensitive and hurtful."
"Once again, we chicken-F***ers are being stereotyped and belittled," he said. "We need to get the message out that the act of love between a man and a chicken, when consensual, is a beautiful thing.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except " said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big f**king deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my P**y."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my P**y!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her P**y, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "f**k". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "f**k" falls into many grammatical categories.
- It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f**ked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f**ked by John).
- It can be an action verb (John really gives a f**k), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f**k), an adverb (Mary is f**king interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f**k).
- It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f**king beautiful) or an interjection (f**k! I'm late for my date with Mary).
- It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f**k she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "f**k". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the f**k are ya?"
Fraud "I got f**ked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, f**k it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm f**ked now."
Aggression "f**k YOU!"
Disgust "f**k me."
Confusion "What the f**k.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this f**king business!"
Despair "f**ked again..."
Pleasure "I f**king couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the f**k is going on here?"
Lost "Where the f**k are we."
Disbelief "UNf**kING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your f**king ass!"
Denial "I didn't f**king do it."
Perplexity "I know f**k all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a f**k, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the f**k are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the f**k are you?"
Panic "Let's get the f**k out of here."
Directions "f**k off."
Disbelief "How the f**k did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a f**king asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five f**king thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this f**king job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother f**ker."
It can be political- "f**k Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the f**k was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima"Where the f**k is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic"That's not a real f**king gun."
- John Lennon"Who's gonna f**king find out?"
- Richard Nixon"Heads are going to f**king roll."
- Anne Boleyn"Let the f**king woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle"What f**king map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher"Any f**king idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein"It does so f**king look like her!"
- Picasso"How the f**k did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras"You want what on the f**king ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo"f**k a duck."
- Walt Disney"Why?- Because its f**king there!"
- Edmund Hilary"I don't suppose its gonna f**king rain?"
- Joan of Arc"Scattered f**king showers my ass."
- Noah"I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing gra**.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the *lo**y thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that *la*hd on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession..
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
102.Are we done yet
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.
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