Ryan was in the pub one day when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. he finished his pint and noticed that everybody was staring at him.

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod.


-- Edited by Star bwoy on Sunday 3rd of January 2010 03:15:52 PM

WHAT DID U THINK I WAS GONNA SHOW U?????

-- Edited by LaDy J on Monday 21st of December 2009 07:43:54 PM

"ME AN BEYONCE AFTA WE DUN MEK DI BIG HIT"

KERRVILLE, Texas Prosecutors will review the case of a woman authorities claim has called 911 30 times over six months for non-emergency reasons, including a call to complain that her husband refused to eat his dinner. Last Friday, the woman allegedly made a pair of calls to 911, including a hang-up and another where a woman was heard screaming.

Police were dispatched to the residence and officer Paul Gonzales said police were told by her that "her husband did not want to eat his supper." A police report said the 53-year-old woman was also yelling "about things that happened two weeks ago."

The woman now faces charges of 911 abuse.

Read

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a @#$!"

Tiger Woods' latest news updates are keeping websites and magazines extremely busy, nearly two weeks after Woods' accident occurred. Tiger Woods name has been everhwere and seems pretty hard to avoid these days Well now rumor has it that a sex tape has leaked. Check it out below:

-- Edited by Dj Tweety on Friday 15th of January 2010 12:01:44 AM

Married too long...
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men.. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

HOPE I do this right.
http://view.break.com/559321 - Watch more free videos

THE MANAGEMENT TEAM OF THE PORTMORE EMPIRE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT "LISA HYPE" IS NO LONGER EMPLOYED TO THE COMPANY AND WE ARE NOT RESPONIBLE
FOR ANY FUNDS INCURRED OR STATEMENTS MADE BY HER. HER SERVICES ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED AS OF DEC.28.2009

WE WOULD LIKE TO WISH HER ALL THE BEST IN HER FUTURE ENDEAVOURS, AND HOPE THAT ONCE AGAIN SHE WILL SUCKCEED TO THE BEST OF HER ABILITIES

SIGNED
MANAGEMENT

(GAZA WI SEH)

-- Edited by gamepun on Tuesday 29th of December 2009 05:36:38 PM

-- Edited by gamepun on Tuesday 29th of December 2009 05:40:04 PM

-- Edited by KrYsIs on Saturday 16th of January 2010 03:34:40 PM

CMON ITS JUST A JOKE!!!

Husband: Honey, when I die, will

you marry again?

Wife: I am afraid I will. You

know how much I hate solitude.

Husband: Will you let him drive

my car?

Wife: Well, I think so.

Husband: Will you let him sit in

my favorite chair?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him have

my gold watch?

Wife: Maybe.

Husband: Will you let him wear

my nice suits?

Wife: No, he is shorter.

rate on a scale of 1-10

lol...ppl nuh easy a raatid...make me c all who a go take bac dem chat now! see the mavado addition ya to it...a yute post it yesterday and dem delete it...make me see all who a go stop laff and try change dem mouth...and mi want see all who going edit dem post fi try not to look bad

-- Edited by dj mj on Thursday 5th of November 2009 09:03:00 PM

Cousin Sal - Hidden Camera Prank - at an ATM Part 1 and 2 


this is sick Prank lol


Cousin Sal - Hidden Camera Prank - at an ATM Part 1 and 2

A husband & wife were staying together with their four kids. When is time to

have sex they would use the phrase "doing washing" so that the kids wouldn't

understand what they are talking about.

 

 

 

One day the wife had a group of friends at their home and the husband wanted

to do the "washing"

 

 

 

Husband: Darling, lets go do the washing

 

 

 

The wife feeling uncomfortable with the idea as her friends will be in the

next room while she and her husband "do the washing" in the other room

responded in "tswana"

 

 

 

Wife: "Darling, machine o robehile"( the machine is broken)

 

 

 

The husband went to the bedroom alone and disappointed.

 

 

 

After some few hours when the friends have left, the wife approached her

husband and asked if they could do the "washing"

 

 

 

The husband responded: "A kere machine o robehile? Nna ke hlatswitse ka

matsoho" (didnt you says the machine is broken? i washed with my own hands) The wife splept with a dirty laudry.

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I want to open a f**king checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have language like that in here." "Why the f**k not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must ask you to refrain from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I just want to open a f**king checking account." With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the reply, "I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a f**king checking account." The branch manager says, "I see, and this stupid, f**king, bitch is giving you a hard time?"

---

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

South African Style

I was going to put this in the religious & Upliftment section but I was laughing so hard my heart would not let me do it!!! Click the link and Jah Bless!!!




http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/21082/

SPERM BANK ROBBERY A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door. "Take one of the bottles and drink it!" "But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband....... "Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

Q: What arr they gonna do to Micheal Jackson when he dies?
A: Burn his plastic body down and turn him into little toys so kids can play with HIM for a change!

Q: How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?
A: With a squeegee

Q: What color are Kurt Cobains eyes?
A: Blue. One blew this way and one blew that way

Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobains mind?
A: Buckshot

Q: What has more brains? Kurt Cobain or the wall behind him
A: Courtney Love

Q: Did you hear about the basketball player with leprosy?
A: He was all over the court.

Q: What do you say when you see your T.V floating at night?
A: Drop it niggar.

Q: How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A: Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Give it a nipple.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesnt work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Q: How Do You Catch A Unique bird?
A: Unique Up On It.

Q: How Do You Catch A Tame bird?
A: Tame Way, Unique Up On It .

Q: How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
A: They Take The Psycho Path

Q: How Do You Get Holy Water?
A: You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

Q: What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? 
A: Polaroids 

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchenjust vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.

Im so depressed My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about a Will. He said, Will !? What will ? Im making a list of the people I wanna bite.

Q: What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesnt work?
A: A Stick.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isnt Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What Do You Call Santas Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
A: Quatro Sinko.

Q: What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.

Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.

Q: Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.

Q: What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: Whats The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And  A Bad Skydiver? 
A: Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!  A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang!  Whack.

Q: Hows A Texas Tornado And An Alabama Divorce The Same? 
A: Somebodys Gonna Lose A Trailer.

-- Edited by junior mafia on Monday 1st of June 2009 09:53:01 AM

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts! 

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

 

---

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

 

---

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

 

---

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Dont even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you dont bark.

 

---

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you havent arrived to the airport yet neither.

 

---

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

 

---

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didnt care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

Q: Whats the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
A: Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup.

Q: Why dont aliens eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: el-if-i-no.

Q: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
A: The one on the range.

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Right where you left it.

Q. Whats pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff.

Q. Whats blue and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff holding its breath.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says Hey buddy, Why the Long Face

Two muffins in the microwave, one of them says: Man its hot in here!
The other muffin exclaims, Holy shit, a talking muffin!

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud

Q: What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
A: Humphreys

Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: They rent moovies!

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
A: I have no I-Deer.

Q: How do you stop a fish from smelling?
A: Cut its nose off.

Q: What is invisable and smells like carrots?
A: Rabbit farts.

Q: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
A: He was charged with battery.

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
A: DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Definition of a teenager? Gods punishment for enjoying sex.

Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, theres shipping and handling, too.