A Girl gets two tattoos on her inner thighs: one of Mike Tyson on her right inner thigh and the other is of Evander Holifield on her left inner thigh. She points to them and asks the bartender Does this look like Mike Tyson? Bartender says No.
She then asks Does this look like Evander Holifield?
Bartender says Nope sorry.
Shes says Well I want another opinion. She sees a drunk guy at the end of the bar. She points to her inner right thigh and asks him Does this tattoo look like Mike Tyson?
Drunk guy says No.
She points to her inner left thigh and asks Well does this tattoo look like Evander Holifield?
Drunk guy says No but the one in the middle looks like Don King.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" 

Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A: Goes-in-tight!

Q: Whats the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly all the time?
A: He knows where all the bad girls live.

Q: When is an elf not an elf?
A: When hes got his head up a fairies skirtthen hes a goblin.

Q: Whats the ultimate rejection?
A: When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After a few years your job will still *u*k.

Q: What doesnt belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, opponent, Blowjob?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs ,opponent, but you cant beat a blowjob.

Q: How is air alot like sex?
A: Its no big deal unless your not getting any.

Q: What do u do with a years worth of used condoms?
A: Melt it down,turn it into a tire and call it a goodyear!

My wife told me to tease here. So, I said Alright then fatty!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen,
you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good
measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

1. Which Bible cannot be read?

2. Which 3 Letters a Shop Keeper does not like?

3. Which 3 Letters a thief does not like?

4. Wat no one wants but wen they get it they will do ANYTHING not to loose it?

Spoiler

1. Single Bible (Aloe Vera)
2. I O U
3. I C U
4. A Case in Court

-- Edited by Dj Quiva (Admin) on Thursday 14th of January 2010 10:49:06 PM

A Sailor and a priest were playing Golf.The Sailor took his first shot and missed and he said, "f.u.c.k i missed."

Surprised the Priest replied, "Dont use that kind of language or God wil punish you."

The Sailor took aim and hit his second shot. Again he missed and under his breath he said,"I f.u.c.k.ing missed again."

The Priest overheard and replied,"My son, please dont use that language or God will punish U."

The Sailor took his 3rd shot and once again he couldnt help mutter,"Oh f.u.c.k...."

The Priest Said,"That's it! God will certainly punish U." Suddenly a blot of lighting came down and killed the Priest.

In the Distance a deep voice said, "F.U.C.K I Missed!"

A Jamaican is at the Gates of Heaven. St Peter: I have to ask you 3 questions before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem
St Peter: Which day of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow
St. Peter: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but I'll give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12
St. Peter: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of March, 2nd of
By now St. Peter is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.
St. Peter: Final question now. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour?
Jamaican: Andy
St. Peter: Good God man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing: Andy walks with
me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me that I am his own...

cop arresting toddler lol

-- Edited by madest-one (Mod) on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 05:57:28 PM

A Jamaican Mother's Teachings

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait till we get home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You going get a ass'n when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.
"What di backside yu thinkin'? Answer me when me
talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.
"If yu run cross de road an' cyar lick yu dung, a goin' kill yu wid lick."

5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.
"If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief or walk an' pick up bottle."

6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If yu kip on a tun over yu eye lid an' fly pitch pan it, it a go stay suh fi evva."

7. My Mother taught me ESP.
"Yu tink a don't know what yu up to nuh?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR.
"If yu don' eat food, breeze goin' blow yu weh."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.
"Come an' tek yu beatin' like man."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX.
"Yu tink say yu drop from sky?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.
"Yu jus' like yu faada."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Yu tink mi come from "Back A Wall?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.
"When yu get to be as ol' as me, yu wi understan'."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE.
"One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way."

chick magnet

-- Edited by madest-one (Mod) on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 05:52:05 PM

-- Edited by Nickquane on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 10:57:44 PM

The First speaker from England spoke:  "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself. 
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a  likkle bit outta mi left eye."

A little old lady in Kingston answered her doorbell, only to be confronted by an eager young man displaying a shiny new vacuum cleaner.  "Good mawnin lady' said the young man. can I demonstrate di greatest and latest vacuum cleaner fi come out ah di United States. Theres nothing like it.' The old lady replied, guweh! mi broke and dont have any money!'' Before she could close di door, di young man wedged him foot inna it and pushed it open. Not so fast, lady. Gimmie a chance fi show you ah demonstration.'' While saying that, him dump a bucket of horse %&%* pon her carpet.  ''Now, watch me remove every trace of this manure from your carpet. If di vacuum cleaner does not do di job, mi will eat up what left miself.  di old lady turn round and went inna di house, saying, Then Ill get a knife and fork for you, cause dem juss shout off  mi  electricity today."

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won US$5,000 in the State safety competition.

"So, what are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I gwan get a driver licence," he answered with pride and jubilation.

"Oh, don't listen to he, na." yelled the Trinidadian woman in the passenger's seat. "He always a smart ass when he drunk."

This commotion woke up the Barbadian guy in the back seat. He took one look at the cop and moaned, "Oh %&%*-****, I knew we ain' gon' get far
in no teifin car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice yelled out, "Hey! I man mek it k**** de barda yet?!"


Aidonia inna di trunk ah tell dem cross do barda

-- Edited by Wyzco (Mod) on Monday 26th of October 2009 01:10:51 AM

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me." 

was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it 
away. 

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man. " 

She said, "girl, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, and I'm a woman of my word." 

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?" 

" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

"this man was murdered, and someone's responsible" the ending kinda luu out but i guess its part of the video

Condom says to Stayfree; when you work, I lose seven days of business. Stayfree replies,  If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: Why do you have your tits on your back?; The camel responded: What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face! A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took him to her apartment and said: tie me to the bed and do what black men do best! so he ran off with the TV and VCD... Wife: I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!; Husband: I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning! A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: You look so weak and xhausted! Are you having your meals 3 times a day as I advised? Lady: Doc, I thought you said '3 MALES a day!' Phone rings and the chinese maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing...... When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:  MASTUR  BATING!

1-What Do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
ans=Gladiator (Glad-He-ate-her)

2-what did the man told his wifre after gettin  68?
ans= I owe you one

3-why do women have two holes so close together?
ans: In Case You Miss

4-Whats Do female snails say during sex?
ANS: Faster !Faster!

5-Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
ANS: Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come

6-what is the difference between a hen and a prostitute?
ans: One says c**k-Ka-Doodle-Do and the other says Any c**k Will Do!




-- Edited by mz más quería veterano on Monday 31st of May 2010 10:02:28 AM

http://www.myvideoflex.com/mavado-vs-vybz-kartel/2009-clash-comedy-part-2-madddd-video_84f80b07f.html


pree now lol

...what he really sayin

FIRST HIM CLAIM SEH MAN A PUT WOMAN PICTURE AND LOOK WEH HIM GONE DO





-- Edited by gamepun on Sunday 6th of December 2009 06:16:50 PM

:    

Dad: People, 'ear mi now - Dis wrong. You haff feh cut back yu  celly use. Deh phone bill very high an me nuh use fe de house phone. Mi use the one ah mi office.

Son: Me too. Mi never use the house phone. Mi always use mi company mobile.

Maid: So, wha deh problem? All ah wi nuh deh use we work phone?

Only in Jamaica.

ON DECEMBER 16TH 2009.. A WOMAN WHO WAS GOING ABOUT HER OWN BUSINESS HAD STOPPED AND SAW A LADY TALKING WITH A PIECE OF WOOD IN HER HAND HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE. THE WOMAN WHO WAS GOING ABOUT HER BUSINESS STOPPED AND INVADE IN THE LADY CONVERSATION WITH THE PIECE OF BOARD AND STARTED TALKING UP IN HER FACE.. THE LADY WITH THE PIECE OF BOARD SLAPPED THE INQUSITIVE FEMALE IN HER MOUTH FOR TALKING UP IN HER FACE WITH A BAD BREATH .

-- Edited by Dj Tweety on Thursday 17th of December 2009 11:16:35 AM

WATCH THE GYAL SSUGA PON TOP MAAAAAAAAD

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

-- Edited by So_InTriCat3 on Sunday 27th of September 2009 10:45:46 AM

[youtube=http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh56YCC44jLPyMc9op]

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhPz2m80SZ63z7ROUN

-- Edited by Wyzco (Mod) on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 02:17:27 AM

An elderly Bajan lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. 

A beautiful young white woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce." 

The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. 

Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce." 

The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the 
c****ined perfumes. 

One floor later, as the Bajan lady approaches her destination, she quietly 
eases out a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the c****ined expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes. 

As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Breadfruit, Barbados, 36 cents a pound."

A boy and his father from the Caribbean were visting America for the first time. 
The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again. 
The boy asked, "Ah whahdat, daddy?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, minevah see notting so inna mi life! Mi nuh know what it is!" 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 19-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, 
"Bwoy... Go get yuh moddah!"