If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
arent people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If its true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didnt zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man with hand in pocket feel c**ky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says,

"Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wifes bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

The wife chose to ignore the husband.

Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"Whats wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think Im going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for salary increase !!!

Dear Bo$$,

In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$, employee$, who have given $o much $upports and $ervice$ to the orgrani$ation.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Nomani $mith

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOmani,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has been changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well yet.

NOw, newspaper indicates world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the country may fall into aNOther recession. I wish it will NOt happen soon.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
MariNO PoNO

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Mikey DiMiceli ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Mikey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Mikey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

awe sa

-- Edited by GLAMAROUS_RUE on Thursday 9th of July 2009 03:45:45 PM

Getting a hairdryer through customs... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Tuesday 21st of July 2009 11:40:05 AM

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, Whats with that guy over there by the wall?
The clerk says, Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldnt find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.

The owner says, You idiot You cant treat a cough with laxatives

The clerk says, Oh yeah? Look at him, hes afraid to cough

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a better lover than you are.

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster.

By now shes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isnt there anything you want?

The wife says, No, Ive got everything I need.

Oh, really, he says, so what have you got?

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, The airbag.

One morning in the office, a man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into her supervisors office, and declares loudly that shes quitting and has decided to file a sexual ha****ment suit.

"Come on," says the supervisor. "Whats wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"

"Hes a ****ing midget!"

-- Edited by junior mafia on Saturday 13th of June 2009 12:13:18 AM

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?

The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

___________________________________________________________________

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam. Now class, I
wont tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever A smart ass guy in the backS
of the room raised his hand and asked,What would you say if tomorrow I said I
was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says


Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

___________________________________________________________________

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I go here as fast as I could.

hen the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


___________________________________________________________________

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....

she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.

At St. Andrew Parish Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, mi try treat har real nice, treat her with respeck, spend money on her, and best of all, mi tek her to Cuba for wi 25th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Rufus, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ..." Rufus proudly responded, "Well, mi ah go back to Cuba fi har."

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Louise, he moaned, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.

Hes an idiot, Bob said. Piss on him You did, came the reply. And he fired you.

Well, screw him said Bob. I did. Youre back at work on Monday.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "Whatll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I dont know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, thats TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I dont know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think Im out enjoying myself every night!"

ONCE UPON A TIME THEIR WAS THIS GIRL WHO NAME GLAMAROUS_RUE. SHE HAS BEEN KNOWN AS A MEMBER OF THE (((BELLIAZ CREW))) @ MEDIAZONEJA....... ONE HAPPY TUESDAY EVENING SHE WENT FOR HER REGULAR CURICULUM TRAINING AT 6PM-9M.

AT ABOUT TEN MINUTES AFTER HER ARRIVAL SHE SCREWED RASHOUSLY ALL EVEN HUGRY AND CANNOT LEAVE NOR BREAK HER TRAINING TILL 8PM. AFTER HOURS PASS AND GLADLY 9PM, TIME FOR EVERYONE TO SAY.....................   "THE LORD'S PRAYER" IN 3 SECONDS, MIZZ GLAMAROUS_RUE HAD BEEN SO HUNGRY AND CONFUSED SHE STARED PRAYING FOR GRACE.................   "FOR HEALTH AND STRENGTH, AND DAILY FOOD...."


WAS I THAT BAD?? i was really hugry and tired

only a yaad

A, fat, loud, unattractive, hardfaced woman approaches a department store with her 2 kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them. The door greater says "Good morning & welcome, nice kids are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman replies "Do the f**king look like twin you stupid cunt?"
The door greeters replies back "Absolutely not, I just can't believe someone would want to f**k you twice!"

thanks to leah for her never ending f**kry, she destroyed my character and my beeflihood, ive been given a letter by grace kennedy



DEAR. TIN BEEF

WE HERE AT GRACE KENNEDY APPRECIATE YOUR SERVICES OVER THE YEARS, YOU HAVE BEEN THE CORNERSTONE OF THE GRACE BRAND AND THE PRODUCT THAT STANDS OUT THE MOST, YOU HAVE GIVEN US YEARS OF SERVICE AND IT IS WITH GREAT PLEASURE THAT WE THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH. TIN SAUSAGE AND MACKEREL HAVE BEEN MAJOR COMPETITION BUT U STAND OUT AS A PIONEER  OVER THE YEARS

HOWEVER RECENTLY, WE HAVE RECEIVED E-MAIL FROM A "LEAH SAGER" WITH PICTURES DEPICTING YOU IN A NUDE  AND OBSCENE MANNER, WE HERE AT GRACE KENNEDY CARRY A CERTAIN STANDARD AND IT IS WITH DEEP REGRET THAT WE INFORM YOU THAT YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED, HOWEVER IN THE FUTURE, WE MAY CONSIDER U FOR A "HOT N SPICY"BRAND BUT AS THIS PRESENT POINT IN TIME, YOU WILL NO LONGER BE A PART OF THE GRACE FAMILY

SINCERELY YOURS

*UNDISCLOSED NAME*
MANAGER OF GRACE KENNEDY


LEAH MI A GO f*k U UP, JOB HARD FI GET AND LOOK WEH YUH DO, LOOK HOW LONG MI HAVE MI JOB, P**Y MI CYAAH WORK FI YUH, ANYWAY YOU CONTINUE TO BE THE BITCH YOU ARE




THIS HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY DJ TINBEEF RIGHT YAH NOW MI MADD A DEH SO DI THING REACH

-- Edited by DJ TINBEEF on Thursday 25th of June 2009 09:50:09 AM

ans>>>> they are "white ladies" they are dangerous and will f u c k up your life in the long run

http://www.oddee.com/item_96733.aspx

my dung

Civic Lesson

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"

. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
he couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"


What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
They both throw a ho down.

What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
  The pool table in the oval office


. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
 80% said not again.

Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
 He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
 Everyone would be afraid to lick it

santa call di likkle boy ah shit corn 1 angry santa lol say hello to ur mother for me u little c**k *u*ker.

A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Jamaica and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain conciousness. 

Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, "LOOk yah man! If mI did waan orange, mi oulda fall dung inna
deh market."

Mad Mad Mario

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "Yuh know yuh deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yuh stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yuh deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yuh was dere. When mi car crash an mi bruk up, yuh was dere. When mi health started to fail, yuh was dere, and when a start to get worse, yuh was dere ... right by mi side ... every time sumpn' bad happen to me yuh is right dere. Yuh know something? Yuh know sey it look like yuh a crosses!!!?" 

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of Gizzadas. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the Gizzada was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a Gizzada at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife...... 'Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you nine-nite."

Yuh eva hear Jamaican pickney tell dem madda fi shut up and di Madda go tek seat inna kitchen, tek out cigarette start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? No. One helleba slap cra** him face fi sure. An if dem live inna farign dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di summer and den di odder relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz.

Yuh eva hear a Jamaican madda innna a store a tell dem pickney 'no sweetheart, you can't have that, please put it back on the shelf'. Instead, yuh will hear someting like dis ...'lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an pick up money, put dung di blassted sweetie dem an no badda mi peace tiday, yuh hear mi'?

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Canadian brags, "and this morning she couldn't stop telling me how much she adored me." "Last night I made love to my wife six times," the American replies, "and today she said she could never love another man." The Jamaican man remains silent, and the Canadian smugly asks, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," says the Jamaican man."Only once?" The American snorts arrogantly. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "ra** man. Yuh nah stop!"