-- Edited by Dj pain on Sunday 28th of June 2009 02:47:21 AM

THE RANGE OF 8 INCES LONG IS ENJOYED BY BOTH SEX,  FOUND DAGLIN READY FOR INSTAN ACTION. A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS IS INSERTED WILLINGLY SOMETIMES SLOW, SOMETIMES QUICKLY IN A WARM FLESHY MOIST OPENING WHERE IS ACCOMPAGNED BY SQURIMIN BODY MOVEMENTS, IF FOUND LISTENING YOU WILL SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC SOUND FROM THE WELL LUBRICATE MOVEMENTS WHICH LEAVES A JUICEY STICKY SUBSTANCE WHICH WILL NEED CLEAN FROM THE OUTER SURFACS OF THE OPENIN AND SOME FROM ITS LONG, GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING FLOWING AND CLEAN LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED IT IS RETURN TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST READY FOR ANOTHER ACTION HOPEFULY REACH ITS BRISTLING ((CLIMAX)) 3 TIMES A DAY BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS WHAT AM I?? YOU MAY GUESS THE ANWSER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR (((TOOTHBRUSH)))  WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING PERVERT!

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Moneys short times are hard heres a f**king chritstmas card

It was the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.

Moms at the whore house Dads smokin' gra** I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see whats the matter

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be saint nick.

He came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that f**ker had fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He went up the chiminy with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chiminy apart.

He rode off out of sight saying f**k u all and have a good night!

crazy bitch with big knife in the streets gets buck naked

-- Edited by radkin on Friday 5th of June 2009 11:24:30 PM

 Knock Knock
whose there?
Gladiator
Gladiator who?
Gladiator before the gang bang! for those of you who are very slow!!!Clue- glad he ate her

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, Are you a veteran?
The guy says, Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.
Good, says the interviewer, That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the gra** and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

There's a blonde and a red head. It's 10'oclock at night and they're at the blonde's house watching the late news. On the news was a story of a man who commited suicide then the redhead turns to the blonde and says "I bet $50 you he'll jump", and the blonde says "ok I bet $50 you he won't ".

The man jumped, so the blonde pulls out her purse and says "here's your $50", and the redhead said "no I can't accept it. I watched the early news and heard that he jumped". Then the blonde replied "So did I but I didn't think he'd jump again!"

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says seven points.

His wife rolls over and asks, What in the world was that?

The old man says, Touchdown, Im ahead 7 to nothing.

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, Touchdown, tie, score.

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown Im ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, Touchdown, tie score.
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he cant fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, Now what in the world was that?

The old man replies, Half-time, switch sides.

http://mootion.com/videos/466-Every-Man's-Dream-Girl

-- Edited by Dj Stewie on Sunday 7th of June 2009 08:44:45 PM

-- Edited by Dj Quiva on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 06:48:12 PM

People the guy wasn't poor, he was jus a regular person looking like him waiting on somebody but looked hungry, so they felt like givin trouble...It wudnt be funny givin food to someone  that look like they really need it, it would be like the right thing to do, but to a stranger who doesnt need it is suppose to be funny u zeet, so dont be carrying feelins for him like we were teasin him.



-- Edited by madest-one (Mod) on Wednesday 30th of September 2009 01:58:25 AM

-- Edited by DT on Sunday 31st of January 2010 12:24:36 PM

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnnys turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Looking a ghetto gyal
______________________________

1. First time u see her especially in summe reveiling ( Jah know my fren yuh P**y fat)

2. Pssssssssst woe deh babe

3. Look here no, gimmie a minute

4. My fren how yah move so

5. And if she dont answer ( hey big P**y gyal go suk so madda)


AND FINNALY YOU JUST CAUGHT HER ATTENTION, NOTHING TURNS ON A GHETTO GYAL DAN A GOOD OLD BIG P**Y TERM.



Looking and Up-town lady
_______________________________

1. Hey, I cant help but notice that cute smile u have (Any Introduction can be used as long as in standard english)

2. No answer she's ignoring (Take car keyz out and start wheeling it on your finger)

3. So what is your name

4. After long argument ( I know its tha first seeing each other but, we may not have this oppurtunity again, so can I have you Number)

5. If shes taking to long or hesitating ( Accidentally let your credit or debit card fall from your wallet, mone doesnt has to be on it).

6. Now she thinks your a man sent from above.

7. Take her buy her summe to eat on the second meeting.

8. After u have accomplished at getting that from her

9. Change your phone chip.

10. Couple years after if yall should accidentally meet use tha famous phrase (you lost your chip)

watch what they do to this girl while she sleeps

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Dear sir I am a 19-year-old female with a little problem, the thing is I met this guy about a month and couple days ago who is very cute and sexy. 

Within the first two weeks, he started requesting sexual pleasures, its not that I don't want to but I have told him a big lie and I think it will affect our relationship.

When I just met him, we shared our likes and dislikes. We then started talking about sex during our discussion he told me that he always fantasized about making love to a virgin. At the time, I wanted to impress him so I told him that he was looking at his fantasy.

I really need your advice on this one because I am so in love with this guy, I don't know why I did not speak the truth but I guess its a female thing. Right now, we are not on good terms because he thinks I am playing by not wanting to have sex with him. The other day we were all set to go out then he called and told me if we are not going to have sex, it makes no sense seeing each other. Please tell me what to do, I don't want to lose him.

- I Lied



Dear I Lied,
Everyone has a fantasy and would love in their lifetime to be able to explore it. Some people never in their lifetime get to do that and the ones, who think they can, spend an excessive amount of time trying to "fulfill their fantasies.

I hate to break it to you but the only thing that this guy is really interested in is fulfilling his fantasy because you waved it right in front of his face. If a man can give you an ultimatum after just meeting him for a month about having sex, ask yourself, after this has happened, what next?

The only way you can resolve this issue is by coming clean and telling him that you have lied and that he should give you a chance to prove that you are not a serial liar. If he likes you as much as he says that, he does, he will be hurt but he will stick around. This may sound very cliché but always remember to "speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

All the best- this is my advice young lady - tek it or leave it.

Are you having an issue that you can't resolve by yourself? Need some advice? Send your emails to mr.proppafix@gmail.com

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. (oopps, there are actually 11 commandments!)

A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

 A woman on the bus would like to fart, she don't know how to do.When the car suddenly sounded in Beethoven's "Symphony of fate" . she followed with the music: bang bang bang - bang nature ...... Resolved.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."

49. "That works better the other way around."

48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

47. "Damn, that's complicated"

46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"

44. "You guys need a value pak."

43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!" 

42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."

40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

35. "Bring in the Gimp!"

34. "Hold that pose!"

33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

31. Sing "Shake your bootie."

30. "A little to the left."

29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?" 

28. "Is there room for two in there?"

27. "Two words: penis extension."

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6.9.

22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

21. "Maybe it would help if you..."

20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."

19. "That's what you call erect?"

18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

14. "May I cut in?"

13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."

12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

7. "Let's make a sandwich!"

6. "Is that hard enough for you?"

5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

4. "I think you dropped something."

3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"

2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

 

Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking... MONDAY It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-- Edited by GLAMAROUS_RUE on Thursday 25th of June 2009 08:12:42 PM

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:

The Perfect Day According to ... HIM

 

 

The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

The Perfect Day According to ... HER

 

---

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her,   support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, with beer....

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: Whats that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embar****ed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba.

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes.

What? He had two assholes? said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.

Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? 

     Bus driver speaking on the intercom:  Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston.  Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. 

  ConDucta:  Hail up massive!  We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route.  The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports.  Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies.  As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time  an' it still a drive like new! 

   This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets.  So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.

    Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!"  Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem.  But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out. 

    Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45. 

   Dis bus no equip wid seat belt.  Please hole on pon di railin' when dibus a tun di cana dem.  De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all canas an' bends.  When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat we seated passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh 'gainst di bus side.  We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!"  Dat might cause a serious shootout! 

   On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop.  Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an' lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response. 

  Dis is NOT a non-stop journey.  As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop.  Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police  ... in case of an unexpected police  chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph.  Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout. 

     In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole di bway an' murda 'im, to r*ss.  Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff  Noh mine dem ..... seat kina ration. 

   Tank yuh for tekin' di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and  hope you enjoy di ride. 

  DRIVA - PRESS OUT! 
please no yell out, "ey bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!" 

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers."

"Youre right," she said. "I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Thats a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didnt. The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille ONeal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel

Honey, what happened to ladies first? Husband replies, Thats the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!
David Letterman

First theres the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffe...ring!
Jay Leno

-- Edited by mr_charm on Saturday 30th of January 2010 04:59:59 PM