PRICELESS JAMAICAN TRANSLATIONS
>
> ENG: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl.
> JAM: Gal yuh nuh dead yet?
>
> ENG: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
> JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid.
>
> ENG: This meal is not too bad.
> JAM: Di food can eat.
>
> ENG: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy?
> JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole hugly bangle deh misis?
>
> ENG: Hors d'heurves
> JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?
>
> ENG: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof.
> JAM: Hey dutty p*u**y come aff a di house tap before a buss yuh **?@!
>
> ENG: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu.
> JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up Suzie!
>
> ENG: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
> JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry!
>
> ENG: aren't those pants a bit short?
> JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata?
>
> ENG: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
> JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap feel-up feel-up di mangos
> dem.
>
> ENG: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
> JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling-up fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
>
> ENG: I wish you would quit lying.
> JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
>
> ENG: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
> JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
>
> ENG: I am Waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!
> JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey!
>
> ENG: Get me a soda pop please.
> JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh
>
> ENG: It's time for a Perm.
> JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh nuh si how it tough?
>
> ENG: Yuck!! This is nasty.
> JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad.
>
> ENG: I wish you would close your mouth.
> JAM: yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.
>
> ENG: Girl, your acne is terrible.
> JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.
>
> ENG: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
> JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
>
> ENG: I have a stomach ache.
> JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
>
> ENG: These mangoes look a bit over ripe.
> JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh
>
> ENG: He has very large full eyes.
> JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
>
> ENG: He has no manners.
> JAM: Him dont have no broughtupsi!
>
> ENG: perspiration odour
> JAM: him smell green
>
> ENG: poached (boiled) chicken
> JAM: dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet
>
> ENG: oh, dear
> JAM: ee-eeeee
>
> ENG: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder.
> JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!
>
> ENG: He has a touch of Dyslexia.
> JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!
>
> ENG: I need a bottle of Peptobismal...my stomach hurts.
> JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now... mi belly bine up.
>
> ENG: That man over there is missing his dentures.
> JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh.
>
> ENG: OH my, your feet are so ashy...
> JAM: yuh foot tuff like aligata back....yuh couldn't rub likkle
>

A man gets his words mixed up....

One day a man walks into a bakers shop and asks the assistant if he could purchase a bum... The lady looks confussed and asks him if he means a bun... After he gets his bun he goes into a bucket shop and asks the assistant if he could kindly purchase a f**ket... The assistant replies dont u mean a bucket.... Now the man has his bun and bucket and goes into a clock shops and asks the assistant for a c**k... The assistant raises her eyebrows and asks him if he means a clock... The man leaves the shop with his 'bun, bucket and clock' and heads home as he on his journey a lady stops and asks him if he has the time.. The man replies certainly... 'Hold my bum and f**ket whilst i get my c**k out'

I thought it was funny

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.  
 
   "Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.  
 
    They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.  
 
    The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  
   
     So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station,  
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.  
 
    When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".  

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fu*k you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s go to a sex therapist's office.The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies But I dont have that much money, and I must get a message to her, its urgent! Ill do anything to get a message to her.

The clerk replies Anything?

Yes ANYTHING! replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. Take it out, says the clerk.

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says Well go ahead and do it She brings her lips close to it and shouts Hello? Mom?

AFTER U DO THIS SCROLL UP AND DO IT AGAIN N AGAIN IT IS MADDDDDDDDDDD



-- Edited by STAINLESS at 21:43, 2007-12-16

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfA3mIMSVS8

-- Edited by STAINLESS at 15:47, 2007-12-30

-- Edited by Nico_T at 14:04, 2008-11-22

-- Edited by Nico_T at 14:05, 2008-11-22

-- Edited by bLaCkBeatZ at 13:05, 2009-01-16

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

A distraught young blonde woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough hes naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angers her, she is furious and can no longer control her emotions. The blonde opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.

No, honey,

dont do it!

yells the boyfriend.

Shut up, she says. Youre next.

After an Air Jamaica flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain
 announced: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, welcome to Flight
025, non-stop from Kingston to Miami. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...OH, MY
GOD!'

Silence followed!
 Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and
gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
 the FRONT of my pants!'
 
One Jamaican passenger yelled, 'You b*m*o ra**claat eediat!.... you should
 see de BACK of my pants!!!!!'

Seven Sirius Benjamin - Andre Benjamin & Eryka Badu
Zowie Bowie - David & Angela Bowie
Atticus Baldwin - Isabella Hoffman and Daniel Baldwin
Arpad Flynn Alexander Busson - Elle MacPherson & Arpad Busson
Audio Science Clayton - Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton
Beckett Cypheridge - Melissa Etheridge & Julie Cypher (madeup the last name)
Blue Angel Evans - The Edge (David Evans) & Aislinn O'Sullivan
Aquinnah Kathleen Fox - Michael J. Fox & Tracey Pollen
Fifi-Trixibelle Geldof - Bob Geldof & Paula Yates
Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof - Bob Geldof & Paula Yates
Little Pixie Geldof - Bob Geldof & Paula Yates
Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q Hewson- Bono Vox (Paul Hewson) & Alison Stewart
Cash Anthony Hudson - Slash (Saul Hudson) & Perla Hudson
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence - Michael Hutchence & Paula Yates
Moxie Crimefighter Jillette - Penn & Emily Jillette
Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee - Jason Lee & Beth Riesgraf
Assisi Macmillan - Jade Jagger & Dan Macmillan
Daisy Boo Oliver - Jamie Oliver & Juliette Norton
Poppy Honey Oliver - Jamie Oliver & Juliette Norton
Rumer Glenn Willis - Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Scout LaRue Willis - Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Tallulah Belle Willis - Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Diva Muffin Zappa - Frank & Gail Zappa
Moon Unit Zappa - Frank & Gail Zappa
Ian Donald Calvin Euclid "Dweezil" Zappa - Frank & Gail Zappa
Ahmet Rodan Zappa - Frank & Gail Zappa
Roman Zelman - Debra Messing & Daniel Zelm





                 my personal favourite
Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee - Jason Lee & Beth Riesgraf


PLEASE I BEG OF YOU, DO NOT TAKE ANY IDEAS FROM THIS LIST!!! lol

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

-- Edited by KrYsIs on Wednesday 3rd of February 2010 10:52:07 PM

-- Edited by JamaicanShem at 10:46, 2008-08-05

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more dazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some p***y?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole friggin city?'

'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a p***y.'

A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot" "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are". The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"

http://www.zshare.net/download/150894866d50ffb1/



-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNZ at 01:05, 2008-07-28

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth!
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot. 

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots. 

How do you tell when a blonde is having her period?
She's only wearing one sock. 

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday. 

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine? 

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour. 

What's the similarity between a blonde and a dog's turd?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. 

What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?
You know how many men went down on the titanic. 

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board ?
Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board. 

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear... 

How does a blonde turn the light out after sex?
She shuts the car's door. 

What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus Shelters. 

What does a blonde say after having sex ?
What team do you guys play for! 

Two Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham bush!"

The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time." says the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

A blonde woman goes into homebase and buys a wall mirror

assistant asks: Do you want a screw for that?

woman says : No -

but ill suck your cock for a lawn mower

 
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canadawith my boss & several of his Friends ..
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, " I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

GOTCHA....YOU PERV!!!!!!

PS: IF YOU KNOW FEEL FREE TO SHARE....OK??

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also. The third dog said,"This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

"Doctor, I feel weak and faint." "How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor. "Five or six times a night." "Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor. "What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."

how some people suh smartDa one just plain crazy.

-- Edited by Cam Cam at 19:50, 2008-08-17

i was googling something and you know wen di list of things come up and i saw something that caught my eye and i thought it was funny as hell...... its a forum and the girl asked this////'\

 Blethroplasty » making the vigina tighter

AKA: Blethroplasty

 

 

 

 

 

 

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now this is some crazy shit...... di girl seh i think me and my husband have sex too much.... mi neva know you had something like this to ra**s

-- Edited by mizz_love_backshot at 15:59, 2008-09-07