Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
THE BLONDE AND THE BODY BUILDER
| A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was." |
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
| These are pretty clever. Try to resist moving quickly. Look at each picture, try to determine what it represents, and then look at the answer below the picture. LIGHT BEER CARD SHARK ASSAULTED PEANUT *la*hckquote>DOCTOR PEPPER EGG PLANT KNIGHT MARE HOLE MILK KING OF POP TAP DANCERS *la*hckquote>GATOR AIDE A POOL TABLE AND FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i-POD = | ||
Man goes to the doctor: he has a carrot in one ear, a courgette in the other and a radish up each nostril. The doctor looks and him and says 'I don't think you're eating properly.
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't People from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of Bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
21. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on thoselittle bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
22. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
23. OK . so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
24. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Hansie Cronje (Former South African Player) went to hell....
As he stood in front of Yamraj , he saw a huge wall of clocks behind.
he asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Yamraj answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie
Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hansie, "Who's clock is that?"
"That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that
he never told a lie."
"And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,
telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hansie asked, "Where's Ricky's (Ricky Ponting) clock?"
Yamraj replied, "Ricky's clock is in my office, I'm using it as a
ceiling fan"
As he stood in front of Yamraj , he saw a huge wall of clocks behind.
he asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Yamraj answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie
Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hansie, "Who's clock is that?"
"That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that
he never told a lie."
"And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice,
telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hansie asked, "Where's Ricky's (Ricky Ponting) clock?"
Yamraj replied, "Ricky's clock is in my office, I'm using it as a
ceiling fan"
Queen Latifah's New Commercial (Not yet aired)
January 19, 2008
Started By dappa75wifie — 2 Comments
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first ?
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first ?
friend sent me this haha
There was a White man, black man , chinese man.
There was this lady that wanted a yellow baby. so she said who can give me a yellow baby. the white man jumped up and said me . "I can mak u a yellow baby" . so she had sex with him and nine months later, she had a baby but , it was white. so she said i still want a yellow baby, who can give me a yellow baby. the Black man jumped up and said me . "I can make u a yellow baby sexy mama". so she had sex with him and nine months later, she had a baby but , it was black. The lady was mad and said i still want a f**kin yellow baby. The chinese man say "me can get u yellow baby ". So she f**ked the chinese man. Nine months later she had a yellow baby. The lady was overjoyed and said how did u do it, how did u get me a yellow baby. The chinese man said "ME CHINESE , ME PLAY TRICK ,ME PUT MUSTARDED ON MY DICK" ..
There was this lady that wanted a yellow baby. so she said who can give me a yellow baby. the white man jumped up and said me . "I can mak u a yellow baby" . so she had sex with him and nine months later, she had a baby but , it was white. so she said i still want a yellow baby, who can give me a yellow baby. the Black man jumped up and said me . "I can make u a yellow baby sexy mama". so she had sex with him and nine months later, she had a baby but , it was black. The lady was mad and said i still want a f**kin yellow baby. The chinese man say "me can get u yellow baby ". So she f**ked the chinese man. Nine months later she had a yellow baby. The lady was overjoyed and said how did u do it, how did u get me a yellow baby. The chinese man said "ME CHINESE , ME PLAY TRICK ,ME PUT MUSTARDED ON MY DICK" ..
Crank Dat Curry Sauce***New dance maddin up tha place
January 18, 2008
Started By CALOSS — 3 Comments
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/=2o9tn3LBq0k]
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=a_zK2apRHI4]
Proof of human stupidity
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning '*lo**sucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
11.Only in America.....Will you go to a restraunt in seaworld and ask for bandaids and get mayonnaise.
something else:
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
------------------ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Frito's:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) (Ok, It was supposed to be translated as " to be used for intended use only" basically what it means is don't use your food processor as a wood chipper people. lol)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
-- Edited by massive vybe at 11:51, 2008-01-14
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning '*lo**sucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
11.Only in America.....Will you go to a restraunt in seaworld and ask for bandaids and get mayonnaise.
something else:
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
------------------ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Frito's:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) (Ok, It was supposed to be translated as " to be used for intended use only" basically what it means is don't use your food processor as a wood chipper people. lol)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
-- Edited by massive vybe at 11:51, 2008-01-14
it goes on...
-- Edited by massive vybe at 10:20, 2008-01-10
[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bjuPJc5g7zM]
Future Make-Up Artist...
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
there u go...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there...On the couch... ... Naked.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife,
my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there...On the couch... ... Naked.
Girl--------"Forgive me father for I have sinned"
Priest---- "What have you done my child?"
Girl--------"I called a man a son of a b*t*h."
Priest----"Why did you call him a son of a b*t*h?"
Girl------- "Because he touched my hand."
Priest----"Like this?"(as he touched her hand)
Girl-------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a
b*t*h."
Girl------"Then he touched my
breast."
Priest---"Like this?"(as he touched her breast)
Girl------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h."
Girl-------"Then he took off my clothes; father."
Priest---"Like this?(as he takes off her
clothes)
Girl-------"Yes father."
Priest---"Thats no reason to call him a son of a b*t*h."
Girl------"Then he stuck his "you know what into my "you
know where"
Priest---"Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what
into her "you know where")
Girl------"YES FATHER; YEES FATHER; YEES FAAAATHER!!"
Priest---"(after a few minutes)Thats no reason to call
him a son of a b*t*h"
Girl------"But father he had AIDS!
Priest---"SHIT! THAT SON OF A b*t*h!!!
Similarities between Drug Dealers and Software Developers
January 4, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 4 Comments
| Drug dealers | Software developers |
| Refer to their clients as "users". | Refer to their clients as "users". |
| "The first one's free!" | "Download a free trial version..." |
| Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). | Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). |
| Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E". | Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN". |
| Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. | Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. |
| Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. | Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines. |
| Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. | Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists. |
| Their product causes unhealthy addictions. | DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said. |
| Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. | Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! |
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"
Put in the cell number of one of your friends or spouse.
See where they are and what they are doing!
This is amazing!!! You can key in anyone's cell phone number and
Find them. They are totally unaware that you have tracked them.
Try it out. Select your country. Then enter the area code in the first
Space and the number with no dashes.
See where they are and what they are doing!
This is amazing!!! You can key in anyone's cell phone number and
Find them. They are totally unaware that you have tracked them.
Try it out. Select your country. Then enter the area code in the first
Space and the number with no dashes.
Try out this mobile phone tracker, it's great, using a satellite map track any connected mobile phone with coverage anywhere in the world!!!! Log on to http://www.sat-gps-locate.com
A Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:
"Up! Quick! My husband is back.
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, breaks his leg, and then realizes:
"Damn, I am the husband!"
Who is guilty in this situation?
chekk dis idiots:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qr7jbrbVvOU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qr7jbrbVvOU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gfON3UqOQ98&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zTFGgAIwpjM&feature=related
-- Edited by STAINLESS at 04:34, 2007-12-30
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.
The teacher noticed the fly sitting on the grade book, so she smacked it with a ruler. But, the fly didn't fly away, so she smacked the grade book once again. Again, the fly didn't fly away.
This drove the teacher mad, so she started to pound the grade book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book quickly amounted to nothing more than a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, the embarrassed teacher realized what had happened.
That afternoon, the teacher called Little Johnny's father to school., "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing," remarked Little Johnny's father., "Last week, he drew a naked woman on the fence in our yard and I've been pulling splinters out of my d*ck ever since!"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrongin Jet Crash, Expert Says
[ really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run DownJaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails;Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work afterDeath
Juvenile Court to TryShooting Defendant
[See if that works better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hopefor Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked toTemperatures
London Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds UpNew Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: FacesBattery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looksfor Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame forGas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7Foot Doctors
[wow, are they tall!]
And the winner is.....
Typhoon rips through cemetary; Hundreds dead
We all need a good laugh, keep laughing ... it will keep you young.
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrongin Jet Crash, Expert Says
[ really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run DownJaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails;Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work afterDeath
Juvenile Court to TryShooting Defendant
[See if that works better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hopefor Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked toTemperatures
London Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds UpNew Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: FacesBattery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looksfor Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame forGas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7Foot Doctors
[wow, are they tall!]
And the winner is.....
Typhoon rips through cemetary; Hundreds dead
We all need a good laugh, keep laughing ... it will keep you young.
We are a upper class Jamaican family, so last week, in keeping with our status we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange,but I ignored it. However, when the headwaiter brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "well sah, the American restaurant owner dem recently hire some expert an' dem lay dung procedure fi everyting whe wi duh. Them look at di statistics an' find dat customers drop them spoon 73.84 procent more orffen than any ada utensil sah, whe dem call a "drop frequency" of 'bout 3 spoon ah table ah hour.
So ef di waitah carry spoon, we can reduce the numbah ah trips back to di kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours ah shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "Mi wi get a nex' spoon next time mi go inna di kitchen instead ah mi fi mek ah extra trip figo get it right now."
I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Yes sah!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Nobaddy else eva notice di string! Di consulting firm mi tel you bout, dem fine out sey wi can save some time inna di restroom."
"How?" I asked.
"Yuh see," he continued, "by tying di string onto di tip of wi you know what, we can pull it out over the toilet widout we haffi touch it and that way we noh haffi wash wi hand, an cut dung pon di time wi spen' inna di restroom by 76.39 percent.">
"Okay, that makes sense," I responded. "But ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "Mi nuh know 'bout dem ada one, but yu see mee sah...ah di spoon me use ."
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "well sah, the American restaurant owner dem recently hire some expert an' dem lay dung procedure fi everyting whe wi duh. Them look at di statistics an' find dat customers drop them spoon 73.84 procent more orffen than any ada utensil sah, whe dem call a "drop frequency" of 'bout 3 spoon ah table ah hour.
So ef di waitah carry spoon, we can reduce the numbah ah trips back to di kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours ah shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "Mi wi get a nex' spoon next time mi go inna di kitchen instead ah mi fi mek ah extra trip figo get it right now."
I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Yes sah!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Nobaddy else eva notice di string! Di consulting firm mi tel you bout, dem fine out sey wi can save some time inna di restroom."
"How?" I asked.
"Yuh see," he continued, "by tying di string onto di tip of wi you know what, we can pull it out over the toilet widout we haffi touch it and that way we noh haffi wash wi hand, an cut dung pon di time wi spen' inna di restroom by 76.39 percent.">
"Okay, that makes sense," I responded. "But ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "Mi nuh know 'bout dem ada one, but yu see mee sah...ah di spoon me use ."
Dear Santa, I know yuh must be wondering why I writing yuh on Boxing Day,
> but after opening meh presents yesterday, I just had to write yuh.
> Santa ah was a real good gyul all year rouund, ah lissen to meh muddah when
> she talk to meh, ah help out with house wuk, ah even help de neighbor
> chirren do dey chaws too.
> Ah helped dat old cross Mr.George across the road when the oddah chirren
> just watch him and leave him dey. Santa ah study real hard in school this
> year, so hard that ah come firs in tess.
> Santa when ah write meh Christmas Lis to you, ah aks yuh for a Barbie
> princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora de Explorer computer game and a
> monopoly.
> So Santa.......how the fock after reading mih list you go leave under the
> Christmas tree ah shitty focking light-up Yo-Yo, ah nudder plastic tea-set
> and ah focking no-name dolly that look like she have Polio!
> Santa is like yuh focking blind or yuh cyah read! Every year ah say ah
> would stop believing in yuh big focking fat ass and like ah fool ah does
> always give yuh ah nudder chance but not ah-Focking-gain!
> Yuh Focking fat ass dead with me, yuh hear wha ah say, yuh dead!
> Ah waiting for yuh muddah ass next year, yuh better doh try an squeeze yuh
> big obzockee ass tru mih louvres, because ah go Fock yuh up, it go be me,
> you and a gauva whip.
>
> Juss imagine, yuh give dat lil cokey eye, knock-knee, Sally from across de
> road everyting she aks yuh for, an me, who good whole year yuh gone an shit
> up so?! eh? yuh tink yuh could really do mih dat Santa?!
>
> But is alright! ah go do for yuh! You and them Focking Reindeer! Ah go fix
> allyuh good! Allyuh better tink twice about landing on my house next year,
> especially that Focking Red nose prick Rudolph, ah go stone he! Yuh go have
> to focking walk back to de north pole when ah done with them. And nex year,
> ah waiting patiently for yuh fat Focking ass to come Ho-Ho-Hoing on de
> galvanize.
> Ah go do fuh yuh, ah promise. Watch an see....
> but after opening meh presents yesterday, I just had to write yuh.
> Santa ah was a real good gyul all year rouund, ah lissen to meh muddah when
> she talk to meh, ah help out with house wuk, ah even help de neighbor
> chirren do dey chaws too.
> Ah helped dat old cross Mr.George across the road when the oddah chirren
> just watch him and leave him dey. Santa ah study real hard in school this
> year, so hard that ah come firs in tess.
> Santa when ah write meh Christmas Lis to you, ah aks yuh for a Barbie
> princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora de Explorer computer game and a
> monopoly.
> So Santa.......how the fock after reading mih list you go leave under the
> Christmas tree ah shitty focking light-up Yo-Yo, ah nudder plastic tea-set
> and ah focking no-name dolly that look like she have Polio!
> Santa is like yuh focking blind or yuh cyah read! Every year ah say ah
> would stop believing in yuh big focking fat ass and like ah fool ah does
> always give yuh ah nudder chance but not ah-Focking-gain!
> Yuh Focking fat ass dead with me, yuh hear wha ah say, yuh dead!
> Ah waiting for yuh muddah ass next year, yuh better doh try an squeeze yuh
> big obzockee ass tru mih louvres, because ah go Fock yuh up, it go be me,
> you and a gauva whip.
>
> Juss imagine, yuh give dat lil cokey eye, knock-knee, Sally from across de
> road everyting she aks yuh for, an me, who good whole year yuh gone an shit
> up so?! eh? yuh tink yuh could really do mih dat Santa?!
>
> But is alright! ah go do for yuh! You and them Focking Reindeer! Ah go fix
> allyuh good! Allyuh better tink twice about landing on my house next year,
> especially that Focking Red nose prick Rudolph, ah go stone he! Yuh go have
> to focking walk back to de north pole when ah done with them. And nex year,
> ah waiting patiently for yuh fat Focking ass to come Ho-Ho-Hoing on de
> galvanize.
> Ah go do fuh yuh, ah promise. Watch an see....
teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", She volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff'.
And before he could say "f**k", the rottweiler ate him!"
old but good....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX_5zIXxKEU&feature=related
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 16:06, 2007-12-18
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 16:06, 2007-12-18
funny commercials for new arabic (english songs) channel
December 20, 2007
Started By CALOSS — 6 Comments
hips dont lie:
p*u**y cat dolls :
smack that :
candy shop :
madonna:
britney:
another
funny commercial :
macdonalds :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9ajR...eature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo&feature=related
-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNS at 20:52, 2007-12-21
-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNS at 20:52, 2007-12-21
A Jamaican guy enters a restaurant.
While sitting at his table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne
to be sent over to her; knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that
its from the gentleman.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the Jamaican, the note reads...
"For me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."
After Reading this note the Jamaican sends back a note
of his own, it reads...
"Jus su yuh know...me av a bran new Benz an a bran new Bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank. But nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY.. nah guh mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"
While sitting at his table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne
to be sent over to her; knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that
its from the gentleman.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the Jamaican, the note reads...
"For me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."
After Reading this note the Jamaican sends back a note
of his own, it reads...
"Jus su yuh know...me av a bran new Benz an a bran new Bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank. But nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY.. nah guh mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"
Ho-ho-ho is a no-no for store's Santa Claus - because it is 'offensive to women'
A shop has sacked its Santa Claus for saying Ho-ho-ho.
John Oakes, 70, got his marching orders after the store decreed that women might be offended because 'ho' is American slang for a whore.
Instead, he was supposed to say Ha-ha-ha.
"They're are trying to kill the spirit of Christmas," said Mr Oakes, who has been a Santa for ten years.
He was also found guilty of singing Jingle Bells at the Myer department store in Cairns, Northern Australia.
He said: "The manager told me my services were no longer required.
"When I asked her why, she replied, 'You said Ho-ho-ho and that's not appropriate'.
"Not appropriate? How long has Santa been calling Hohoho, for goodness sake?
"She also said I wasn't supposed to sing."
A spokesman for the store insisted the elderly Santa was dismissed because of 'his attitude' and not for his Ho-hohoing.
"Our Santas are not banned from using the term," he insisted.
Mr Oakes, who is looking for a new job as Santa, says he is prepared to sing, shout Ho or Ha.
But he draws the line at clambering down chimneys.
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