---

lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around,> >>>> spots 
a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.> >>>> As she 
bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks> >>>> wind.> >>>>> 
 >>>> Very embarra**c*ated, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has> 
 >>>> noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't> 
 >>>> pop up right now.> >>>>> >>>> As she turns around, her worst nightmare 
materialises in the form> >>>> of a salesman standing right behind her.> 
 >>>>> >>>> Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,> 
 >>>> the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam.> >>>> How may we 
help you today?"> >>>>> >>>> Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the 
salesman may just not have> >>>> been there at the time of her little 
'accident', she asks, "Sir,> >>>> what is the price of this lovely 
bracelet?"> >>>>> >>>> He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, 
you're going> >>>> to shit yourself when I tell you the price.">

I guess when she dressed that day she didnt dream she was going for a ride 
 I wonder if the guy driving had any idea what was hanging onto him?

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8]

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware
probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=2lniutv&s=3


-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 22:24, 2008-01-28

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 22:26, 2008-01-28

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 22:38, 2008-01-28

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 22:39, 2008-01-28

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 22:40, 2008-01-28

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 22:41, 2008-01-28

Wife: I wish I were a newspaper, so
>you would hold me every morning!Husband: I wish you were a newspaper TOO,
>my dear so I could have a NEW ONE; every morning!A Chinese couple got
>married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and
>blonde, skin was brown. Finally,the father named the baby SUM TING WONG.A
>lady visited her doctor one morning.Doc said: You look so weak and
>exhausted! Are you having your meals 3 times a day as I advised? Lady :
>Doc, I thought you said "3 MALESa day!"Phone rings and the chinese maid
>picks up the phone as her master is bathing..... When the caller asked
>what's he doing, the maidreplied: MASTUR BATING!

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!!




You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutel! y wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take
as much time as you took for the first one, OK?











~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?










Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What
is the total?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day,
is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is
Mary. Read the question again!







A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.



Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

-- Edited by miggskills at 13:52, 2008-01-29

So there is an international confrence to find out what the head of a mans penis is for...

(please imagine appropriate accents)

The french delegate stands up & says, " We've spent 5 million dollars & found it's for the mans pleasure durring felatio"

The American delegate stands & says, "Well we've spent 5 Billion dollars & found its for the womans pleasure durring sex"

So the Australian delegate stands up & says, "Ah, we spent $50 & found out it's to stop ya hand flying off the end!"

VERY FUNNY

Here is a story about a south Indian boy on his

first day at school in the USA .

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar
Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand
up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' he answered promptly.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded, visibly taken aback.
Chandrashekhar immediately put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now,who said that?'
Again, Chandrashekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*ck this!'

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're f**ked!'

And Chandrashekhar said quietly, 'George Bush, Iraq , 2005.

Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 4:13 pm   Post subject: Blond vs. Computer

very funny

-- Edited by miggskills at 17:32, 2008-01-26

A Jamaican US Marine stationed in Iraq recently recieved a "Dear John"
>letter from his Jamaican girlfriend back in brooklyn.
>It read as follows:
>Dear Leroy, mi cyan continue di relationship wid yu enuh, because dis ya
>long distance ting mi cyan deal wid, yu juss too baxide far and dis ya
>vagina need some buddy. mi afi admit dat mi gi yu bun two time since yu
>gone and it nuh fair to di both a we still, so mi really sorry , so since
>we nuh deh nuh more , a beg yu please to send back mi picha whe mi did send
>to yu.
>love Gwendolyn
>The Marine, with hurt feelings asked his fellow Marines for any snap shot
>they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
>cousins, etc. in addition to the picture of Gwendolyn, Leroy included all
>the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.
>There were 57 photos in that envelope...along with this note:
>Dear Gwendolyn,
>Mi really sorry but mi cyan rememba who yu be , so baby please to pick out
>fi yu picha from di pile and send back di ress to mi, tanks ...
>take care Leroy.
>
>

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DduAbLpZDHg

Warn a brother


Summer Time in London


Word


Learn Chinese


Log Off


Call OF Duty


First Divorce


Religion, Sexualitym Mystery


Guess What This Says


Ancient Laptop


A Real Mouse


Baby Prank


Blonde ATM


Inventor of Time Travel


Chinese


Lemon Suicide


Foiled Car


Great Wall Toilet


Hitler


Leetkeyboard


Mountain Lion Encounter


Finding Nemo


New MS Keyboard


Flash


Plane Game


Prices of Different Liquids


Say Cheese


So this is a good hiding spot


Try it here first


Woopsies

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ll6-E2SsD-M]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TLEf8YzWV30

AFTER TRYING TO UPLOAD SOME PICTURES THEN GOT THIS MESSAGE

Watch

I had an interesting experience recentlyinvolving an "older" womanI met at
>a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for62. She was drinking quite a bit, and
>while we were chatting, shecame right out and askedme if he'd ever had a
>"sportsman's double" - amother and daughterthreesome.I said no, but she
>might be able to talk meinto it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes
>hermouth, and looking directlyinto my eyes, she tells me, "Tonight's
>yourlucky night."So we go to her place, she clicks on thehall light right
>as they enter, and she shouts upstairs,"Mom! You still awake?"

>TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE


>Dear Mr. Thatcher I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for 
>over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the 
>LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse 
>riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and 
>down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be 
>your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart 
>enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't 
>tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little 
>F-16 in my pants.
>Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the 
>curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting 
>right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging 
>through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll 
>be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with 
>knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As brand manager in the 
>feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on 
>what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. 
>Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we 
>endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control 
>behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, 
>only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her 
>boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her 
>he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
>Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is 
>just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the 
>reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful 
>I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always 
>maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 
>"Have a Happy Period."Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any 
>part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual 
>smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did 
>anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
>Well, did it James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, 
>there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack 
>yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so 
>you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a 
>sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, 
>pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a 
>maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually 
>pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? 
>- Or are you just picking on us?
>Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, 
>there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my 
>maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your 
>Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending 
>bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
>
>
>Best, Wendi Aarons

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 23:08, 2008-01-26

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=wiVlkHiGdgs&feature=related]

---

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=x3Rw_3ky-uo&feature=related]

THE PICS NEVER WORKED BUT HERES A COUNTERACTION





-- Edited by BEN at 17:35, 2008-01-26

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutterand go get your flu shot!

 

watch?

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza."

The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution.

The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon. The warden serves him his Filet Mignon,
and then escorts him to his execution.

The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES???"

"Yes, strawberries."

The warden replies, "but they're out of season!"

"So?" replies the Jamaican, "I man will wait...."

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Xr5w3X4R8b4]

http://www.zshare.net/audio/6781918ea4b5d0/

http://www.zshare.net/audio/6781808f3fe7dc/

http://www.zshare.net/video/6604507481a392/

-- Edited by mr_charm at 10:27, 2008-01-17

---

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=c90_1200357796

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bXFGduP7ic

  A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

   As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

   The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

   Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

   He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

   Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
   "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

   Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
 The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted

---

>SUPER BABY

>A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
>He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
>"Yes, I am," said the doctor.
>The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
>He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
>"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming.
>"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
>He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
>"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
>The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't
>it!?"
> __________________________________________________ ____


>BABY FOOD

>A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.
>He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby."
>With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
>She answered, "He sure is."
>Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
>She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
> With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
>_______________________________________________ __ ____

>I RATHER HAVE A PUPPY

>A little boy and his dad were walking down the street when they saw two dogs having sex.
>The little boy asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
>The father says, "Making a puppy" So they walk on and go home.
>A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
>The little boy says "Daddy, what are you doing?"
>The father replies, "Making a baby."
>The little boy says "hmmmm, can you please flip Mommy around? I'd rather have a puppy instead!"
> __________________________________________________ ____


>DEAD GOLD FISH
>Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
>"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
>The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it, Tim?"
>Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because I couldn't get him out of your cat."
> ____________________________________________


>WHISPER

>A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
>The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
>The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
>The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

USA : It's been a long time since I have seen you girl
JAM: Gal yuh noh dead yet?

 USA : Lord, we have lost electricity again
JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid

USA : This meal is not too bad.
JAM: Di food can eat

USA : Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis

USA : Hors d'heurves
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?

USA : Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss come aff a di house tap before a buss yuh rass klaat!

USA : I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu
JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up suzie!

USA : Oh My God, I just broke mom's expensive plate.
JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry

USA : aren't those pants a bit short
JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata

USA : Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that? up di mango dem.

USA : Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.

USA : I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

USA : Lift the hood of the car for me John
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

USA : I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long
JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey!

USA : Get me a pop please
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh

USA : It's time for a Perm
JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough?

USA : Yuck!! This is nasty.
JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid.

USA : I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.

USA : Girl, your acne is terrible.
JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.

USA : Please make some room in the bus so this man can sit.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

USA : I have a stomach ache
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi

USA : These mangoes look a bit over ripe
JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh

USA : He has very large full eyes
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

USA : He has no manners
JAM: Im dont have no broughtupsi!

USA : perspiration odour
JAM: him smell green

USA : poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet

USA : oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeee

USA : Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder
JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!

USA : He has a touch of Dyslexia
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!

USA : I need a bottle of Peptobismal..my stomach hurts
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now .. mi belly bine up

USA : That man over there is missing his dentures
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh

USA : OH my your feet are so ashy...
JAM: yuh foot tuff like aligata back...yuh couldn't rub likkle cocanat ile pon yuh foot dem...

http://billyblob.com/cartoons/hook-line-and-sinker.html