Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
Joel's Crazy Tricks - Vol 2 : Full On Stupid (MAAAAD)
February 13, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 4 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=CT3JoprrUMk]
insane to raaass!
insane to raaass!
Rodney Mullen Skate Stunts (Amazing skateboarder)
February 13, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 6 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=v4sbU7EvoCk]
I remeber when I was a yute this guys was maaad.....even if neva like skateboarding you will appreciate this film.
I remeber when I was a yute this guys was maaad.....even if neva like skateboarding you will appreciate this film.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for *la*hd pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for *la*hd pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Eric Cartman's Ginger Speech (The Remix!!! bahahah...maaad ting)
February 14, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 3 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=wxeCZTkkKls]
THIS IS THE REMIX!
THIS IS THE REMIX!
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZO2h9pJkYXo]
LMFAO!!!!
LMFAO!!!!
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=1U-cgn3cEGA]
mi haafi warn yuh...dis yute maaaaaaaaad.
mi haafi warn yuh...dis yute maaaaaaaaad.
A pirate was talking to a "man" in a bar. The man noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The man just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the man asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The man asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got my hook!"
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the man asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The man asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got my hook!"
0 Cent Laughing Straight To The Bank, Child Support Payments Reduced
February 14, 2008
Started By ZJSnyper — 10 Comments
Thursday - February 14, 2008
50 Cent was recently awarded after his year-long dispute with former girlfriend Shaniqua Tomkins has been settled with a major reduction in child support.
According to the New York Post, 50, whose real name is Curtis Jackson, learned this Monday (Feb. 11) that he will no longer have to pay ex-girlfriend Tomkins $25,000 a month to care for their 10-year-old son Marquis. Instead 50 will now be required to pay $6,700 per month, a significant reduction for the rapper.
As SOHH previously reported, 50 filed with Suffolk County Family Court a year ago to create an official child support arrangement because Tomkins financial demands were getting out of hand.
In April, a Suffolk County judge awarded Tomkins $25,000 a month ($10,000 a month in child support and $15,000 for expenses), approximately half of the $50,000 a month she'd requested, while the court reviewed expenses for her and 50's son.
With the review complete, the court's decision was handed down this week.
"My client and I are very happy with the ruling," 50's lawyer, Brett Kimmel was quoted by the NY Post.
Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together.
They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear.
A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field!
The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me.
I said throw out the first pitch."
They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear.
A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field!
The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me.
I said throw out the first pitch."
-- Edited by Garrick at 22:13, 2008-02-15
Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
The blonde looks out the window and says, "Yes.. No.. Yes.. No.."
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
The blonde looks out the window and says, "Yes.. No.. Yes.. No.."
http://www.sendspace.com/file/3en14x
Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "Yuh know yuh deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yuh stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yuh deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yuh was dere. When mi car crash an mi bruk up, yuh was dere. When mi health started to fail, yuh was dere, and when a start to get worse, yuh was dere ... right by mi side ... every time sumpn' bad happen to me yuh is right dere. Yuh know something? Yuh know sey it look like yuh a crosses!!!?"
When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "Yuh know yuh deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yuh stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yuh deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yuh was dere. When mi car crash an mi bruk up, yuh was dere. When mi health started to fail, yuh was dere, and when a start to get worse, yuh was dere ... right by mi side ... every time sumpn' bad happen to me yuh is right dere. Yuh know something? Yuh know sey it look like yuh a crosses!!!?"
i heard this 1 in prep sch my grade 6 teacher told us this b4 we did gsat lol i guess to teach us not 2 depend on ppl or cheat in exam..i still remember it...........
John & Paul were best frenz since dem eye deh a dem knee....
they went thru primary and high school together....John always depended on Paul thru out all dere school lives John always cheated in exams by lookin at Paul's paper or finding some way to ask him the answers.
They were out of high school and it was time for them to get jobs, they both applied for the same job, a overseas job. The day of the interveiw for the job, they both went in.......while in the waiting area
John said "yo paul me a fret...memba a yuh always help me fi pass anyting at all"
Paul replied " ye john mi kno how yuh stay me will help yuh"
" wen me go in and the boss lock di door jus come closer and listen to di ansa dem cauz mi kno a di same ting him ago ask yuh"
It was time for Paul to go in, after the boss locked the door john went to di door and listened.....
the boss asked three questions...
1. You think you deserve this job?
Paul said " yes sah"
2. You like travelling since you applied for a overseas job?
Paul said again "yes sah"
3. Which would you like to travel on boat or ship?
Paul said "boat"
The boss said "ok you got the job!"
Paul came out and asked John if he heard all the answers
John said " ye mon!!!"
John went in jolly as ever...
the boss said to himself " why dis man come in ya a grin him ra** teeth dem like a damn jackass?"
The boss began asking the questions...
1. You think you deserve this job?
John so happy he shouted " yes sah!!!"
2. So why yuh shouting, yuh def?
John shouted "yes sah!!!"
3. If yuh did def how yuh kno wah mi ask yuh.....ya eediat or ya fool?
John shouted "both!!!"
-- Edited by WeedEmpress at 00:49, 2008-02-16
John & Paul were best frenz since dem eye deh a dem knee....
they went thru primary and high school together....John always depended on Paul thru out all dere school lives John always cheated in exams by lookin at Paul's paper or finding some way to ask him the answers.
They were out of high school and it was time for them to get jobs, they both applied for the same job, a overseas job. The day of the interveiw for the job, they both went in.......while in the waiting area
John said "yo paul me a fret...memba a yuh always help me fi pass anyting at all"
Paul replied " ye john mi kno how yuh stay me will help yuh"
" wen me go in and the boss lock di door jus come closer and listen to di ansa dem cauz mi kno a di same ting him ago ask yuh"
It was time for Paul to go in, after the boss locked the door john went to di door and listened.....
the boss asked three questions...
1. You think you deserve this job?
Paul said " yes sah"
2. You like travelling since you applied for a overseas job?
Paul said again "yes sah"
3. Which would you like to travel on boat or ship?
Paul said "boat"
The boss said "ok you got the job!"
Paul came out and asked John if he heard all the answers
John said " ye mon!!!"
John went in jolly as ever...
the boss said to himself " why dis man come in ya a grin him ra** teeth dem like a damn jackass?"
The boss began asking the questions...
1. You think you deserve this job?
John so happy he shouted " yes sah!!!"
2. So why yuh shouting, yuh def?
John shouted "yes sah!!!"
3. If yuh did def how yuh kno wah mi ask yuh.....ya eediat or ya fool?
John shouted "both!!!"
-- Edited by WeedEmpress at 00:49, 2008-02-16
Ginnal Job Application
My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give the man from Trinidad the
job.
Ginnal asked, Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is Jumaika,and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!
The manager said, We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed.
Ginnal asked, An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?
The manager replied, Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, I dont know. and you put down, Me nuh know eda.
tell u bout us jamaicans
My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give the man from Trinidad the
job.
Ginnal asked, Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is Jumaika,and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!
The manager said, We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed.
Ginnal asked, An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?
The manager replied, Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, I dont know. and you put down, Me nuh know eda.
One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Shabba, whered you get that truck?!?
Wendy gave it to me Shabba replied.
She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?
Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, Shabba, take whatever you want.
So I took the truck!
Shabba, youre a smart man!
Them clothes woulda never fit you!
Shabba, whered you get that truck?!?
Wendy gave it to me Shabba replied.
She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?
Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, Shabba, take whatever you want.
So I took the truck!
Shabba, youre a smart man!
Them clothes woulda never fit you!
This file shows u how to use the latest webcam from sony.
Download
Download
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!
A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the
middle of the night saying 'Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar
water
bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!' The doctor came over and told the
father
'Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!' The father obliged,
and
behold, a baby's cry was soon heard.The father cried out:
'Praise di Laad! A wan boy!
Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!' The doctor again told the
father, 'Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!'. The
father
again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard. Thefather
excitedly
proclaimed:
'A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless!Glory to Gad!' The
doctor instructed, 'Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher
nuh!'Sure
enough, a THIRD cry was heard!
The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered,
'Oh Tank Jesus.'The doctor repeated, 'Hold up di lamp higher.
Hold di lamp higher nuh man!',and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was
heard.
The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.The doctor for a
fifth time commanded 'Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher
nuh!'The father then asked; 'Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac
dem?'
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
The maid wanted an increase in salary............
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want
an increase?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria :
"My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE....
Meanings of the word "ra**" lol
February 17, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 3 Comments
Granny did sey ra** is a very powerful word. Never you forget a
word as
important as ra** and its many ra** uses!
1. ra** is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement ...
tekki back ra**!
Gimme back ra**!
2. ra** can be used in biology eg.....
Look pan di gal ra**!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles .... cover yu
ra**!
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances ....
me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ra**!
move yu ra** from me, ra**!
5. It can describe extreme pain ....
it hot nuh ra**!
me granny gi me some ra** licks!
6. It can describe size .....
yuh foot dem big nuh ra**!
him have a ra** mouth deh!
him big nuh ra**!
she deep nuh ra**!
7. As you can see ra** is an all-purpose Jamaican word. You can use
it
as often as yu ra** feel!
Greeting ...... How de ra** yu do?
Fraud ......... Yu too ra** tief!
Dismay ........ ra**!
Trouble ....... Oh ra**!
Aggression .... Watch yu ra** self!
Disgust ....... Cho ra**!
Confusion ..... Wha di ra** a gwaan!
Incompetence .. A wha di ra** yu a do .... ra**-idiot!
Lost .......... Whe di ra** we deh!
Pleasure ...... it nice nuh ra**!
Retaliation ... Yu ra**-claat...
And of course . kiss mi ra**!
Me done to ra**!!
NOW ..... Stop waste time pon di Internet and go do di ra** people dem work!!
now this is what they call phone sex!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL
February 17, 2008
Started By DekaNo — 7 Comments
http://www.sendspace.com/file/g7rbln
What's the definition of Nasal Sex?
.... f**k Nose!
.... f**k Nose!
The Naked Rasta
A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what happened.
The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
You don't even have
to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years
Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the
house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to
get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to
know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to
the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to
say Goodbye to
my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so
long,' I said, as we drove away, but that stupid b*t*h
was hiding under
the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap
her in a Blanket to keep her from scratching me. But
it worked! I hauled
her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
You don't even have
to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years
Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the
house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to
get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to
know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to
the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to
say Goodbye to
my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so
long,' I said, as we drove away, but that stupid b*t*h
was hiding under
the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap
her in a Blanket to keep her from scratching me. But
it worked! I hauled
her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
U Can Have It Back!!!!(kinda nasty if ur a girl u wud understand...but it still funny!!)
February 15, 2008
Started By WeedEmpress — 12 Comments
A man gives his girlfriend *la*hd to save her life .....They broke up about a month after. He tells her he wants his *la*hd back......later in the month she gave him a tampon and said i'll pay you monthly...you can have it all back b*t*h!!!!!!!!!!
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
.............................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
.............................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.............................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.............................................................
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
.............................................................
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
.............................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.............................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
...........................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.............................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
.............................................................
'Your future depends on your dreams' So go to sleep
.............................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.............................................................
'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
.............................................................
'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
.............................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know So.. Why learn. .............................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hywo4H69QLU
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It really works!
Insane break dancer (MAAAAAAAAAAAAAADEST TING)
February 15, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 16 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=HSoVKUVOnfQ]
man in da orange sick as f**k!!!!!!!!!
man in da orange sick as f**k!!!!!!!!!
An Irish Priest has a hen coop with a number of hens and one rooster. One Saturday he goes into the coop to get some eggs, and can't find the rooster. This bothers him because he believes that some people engage in cock fighting in the parish. The priest figures he can find the
culprit at mass the next day.
On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit and
says, "all of you who have a cock, stand up"!
ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No, no!" says the priest, "I mean all of you who have seen a cock, please stand up".
ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No, no!", says the priest. "I mean, all of you who have seen a cock that doesn't belong to you, stand up".
HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.
"No! You still don't understand. All of you who have seen my cock, stand up".
ALL OF THE NUNS, HALF THE ALTAR BOYS, AND ONE GOAT STOOD UP.
-- Edited by Gucci at 00:39, 2008-02-18
How to not get ur a** kicked by the police lol
February 15, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 9 Comments
-- Edited by ssugarlipss at 08:41, 2008-02-15
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he
can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're
the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
NO, am your son's teacher.
I can't forget last night....
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this
strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me. While I lay
on my back, You
appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you laid on
my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you
started to, cautiously,
bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy
while you drained the fluid from me. Finally, with
exhaustion, I went to
sleep. This morning when I woke up, you were gone, I
searched for you but to
no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights
events. My body still
shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain
awake, anxiously, waiting for your return.........
Dammm mosquito`s
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13... a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. GENEROUS
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30... funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Leaving from St Ann to go to Portland, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
- "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:
- "Not bad..."
Then the voice says:
- "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:
- "Well, I'm going back to Portland..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered:
- "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They got along so well that
they decided to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the
guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands. He
then took off
his trousers, and washed his hands again.
The girl had been watching him and said, "You must
be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, said, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led
to another, and they made love.
Afterward, the girl said, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego, said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist,
how did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
what starts with F and ends with K?
February 17, 2008
Started By ssugarlipss (Administrator) — 16 Comments
A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.
Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.
When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.
I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.
Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.
from iwallace 2
to all the ladies in the mzja
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.
Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.
When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.
I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.
Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.
from iwallace 2
to all the ladies in the mzja
ra**c*at - The Jamaican all-purpose word
ra**c*at is the Jamaican all-purpose word:
Greeting.............How de ra**c*at yu do!
Fraud.................Yu too ra**c*at tief!
Dismay..............ra**c*at!
Trouble...............Oh ra**c*at!
Aggression.........Watch yu ra**c*at self!
Disgust..............Cho ra**c*at!
Confusion...........Wha di ra**c*at a gwaan!
Incompetence.....A wha di ra**c*at yu a do....ra**c*at-idiot!
Lost...................Whe di RAS we deh!
Pleasure............it nice nuh ra**c*at!
Retaliation.........Yu ra**c*at-claat...And of course..kiss mi ra**c*at !
1. ra**c*at is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement..
Tekki back to ra**c*at!
Gimme back to ra**c*at!
2. ra**c*at can be used in biology eg...
Look pan di gal ra**c*at!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....
Cover yu ra**c*at !
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
Me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ra**c*at!
Move yu ra**c*at from me, 2RAS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
It hot nuh ra**c*at!
Me granny gi me some ra**c*at lick!
6. It can describe size.....
Yuh foot dem big nuh ra**c*at!
Him have a ra**c*at mouth deh
7. It can be used to ward off a fight
Don't mess wid mi cause a will kick you inna you ra**c*at!
As you can see ra**c*at is the Jamaican all-purpose word.
Use it as often as yu ra**c*at feel.
Me done to ra**c*at!! Galang back go do di peeple dem ra**c*at wuck!!
ra**c*at is the Jamaican all-purpose word:
Greeting.............How de ra**c*at yu do!
Fraud.................Yu too ra**c*at tief!
Dismay..............ra**c*at!
Trouble...............Oh ra**c*at!
Aggression.........Watch yu ra**c*at self!
Disgust..............Cho ra**c*at!
Confusion...........Wha di ra**c*at a gwaan!
Incompetence.....A wha di ra**c*at yu a do....ra**c*at-idiot!
Lost...................Whe di RAS we deh!
Pleasure............it nice nuh ra**c*at!
Retaliation.........Yu ra**c*at-claat...And of course..kiss mi ra**c*at !
1. ra**c*at is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement..
Tekki back to ra**c*at!
Gimme back to ra**c*at!
2. ra**c*at can be used in biology eg...
Look pan di gal ra**c*at!
3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles....
Cover yu ra**c*at !
4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances....
Me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ra**c*at!
Move yu ra**c*at from me, 2RAS!
5. It can describe extreme pain....
It hot nuh ra**c*at!
Me granny gi me some ra**c*at lick!
6. It can describe size.....
Yuh foot dem big nuh ra**c*at!
Him have a ra**c*at mouth deh
7. It can be used to ward off a fight
Don't mess wid mi cause a will kick you inna you ra**c*at!
As you can see ra**c*at is the Jamaican all-purpose word.
Use it as often as yu ra**c*at feel.
Me done to ra**c*at!! Galang back go do di peeple dem ra**c*at wuck!!
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