Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
A young wife, who was becoming frusrated with her young husbands'constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of
their marriage.
While
getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are
leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am
coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refigerator and notices that her note hasbeen replaced with a note from her husband that
reads,
"Baby, I didnt' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TONIGHT
5.TOMORROW
6. TATURDAY
7. TUNDAY
8. Every Tucking Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. I love you too, and it's still TODAY, I'm waiting for you upstairs."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarra**c*atment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
The West Indies coach had put together his team for the World Cup Cricket tournament. The only thing that was missing was a good bowler. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer bowler who could ensure a World Cup win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd story window 200 yards away, ka-b***booo! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-*la*hey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye! ?I've got to get this guy!" Said the Roger Harper to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the Jamaica and teaches him the great game of cricket. The West Indies go on to finally win the World Cup and Roger Harper is very happy... The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of West Indies cricket, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son." "I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I single-handedly ended the slump West Indies cricket has been for the last few years. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight." The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Kingston."
ha ha
-- Edited by miggskills at 21:53, 2008-01-30
New baby
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for thedoctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
Breast-fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
-- Edited by Jamecho at 16:29, 2008-02-07
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for thedoctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
Breast-fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
-- Edited by Jamecho at 16:29, 2008-02-07
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him.
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Mind Control was released by Tuff Gong/Ghetto Youths/Universal Republic. It is not Stephen's first foray into the international world of reggae as he has written and produced numerous tracks for his Grammy award winning brother Damian.
Some of the other nominees in the Reggae category included, Lee Scratch Perry with 'The End of an American Dream', Burning Spear with 'The Burning Spear Experience', and 'Anniversary' by Sly and Robbie.
The 2008 Grammy awards aired last night (Sunday), February 10th. Reggae Grammys have been awarded since 1985: and Black Uhuru won the first award with 'Anthem'. This year marks the 50th anniversary of the Grammy awards.
During the intervening years, the reggae album has gone to artists from around the world, including South Africa's late Lucky Dube. The Best Reggae Album category is not currently aired in the show on CBS. Put there is a petition out lobbying or it to be carried on the mainstream broadcast.
At the mall the other day eating at the food
court I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find the old man staring every time. When the
teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man
did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied..
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied..
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry,
I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside, I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home. On my way,
I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured
that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached
home. So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed delightedly, 'Darling I have a surprise for
dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to
my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as
he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while
my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity,
shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only
loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulp wood mill. I took my napkin from
my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my
husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me
if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!
When it became apparent that we would marry,
I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way home from work. Since I lived in the
countryside, I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home. On my way,
I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured
that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached
home. So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed delightedly, 'Darling I have a surprise for
dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to
my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as
he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while
my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity,
shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only
loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulp wood mill. I took my napkin from
my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my
husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me
if I had peeked through the blindfold and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!
-- Edited by ANDRE_DESIGNS at 21:50, 2008-02-11
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden
recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving
a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a
license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da
lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I
whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice
chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says
the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment
and then said, "It's the truth Mr.Government man,
I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and they
all swam away. They stood and waited. After several
minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving
a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a
license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da
lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I
whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice
chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says
the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment
and then said, "It's the truth Mr.Government man,
I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and they
all swam away. They stood and waited. After several
minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 1000 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry, that is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 1000 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry, that is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom
and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a
question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have
to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are
in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer..
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars
are in the sky?"
and again no one could answer..
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday,
he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day
weekend..
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong
balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag..
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,
"Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls
rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who
find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts
laughing..
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"
__________
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the gra**c*at and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon"
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the gra**c*at and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon"
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr.. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home..
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?"
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr.. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home..
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?"
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
What are you doing Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and
walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had
gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a
used condom..
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his
son..
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his
father..
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well,
what are you doing? F**king them?"
some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and
walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had
gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a
used condom..
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his
son..
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his
father..
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well,
what are you doing? F**king them?"
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service. The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A cop goes for a haircut, and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service. The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Jamaican goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service. The Jamaican is, of course, very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there???? (You know it!!!) A dozen Jamaicans waiting for a free haircut.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarra**c*atment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
After the initial embarra**c*atment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says,"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a
fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I've DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."
'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says,"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a
fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I've DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
Don't laugh!" said the patient, Fred.
"It's swollen," Fred replied...
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willy' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to
sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them.
Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
So Johnny decides to go into hisgrand parent's room, only to find the
blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny: " Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?"
Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
Feeling rejected,Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into
bed.
A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling
at him so decide to go and apologize.
Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
Johnny:"I'm playing cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?"
Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them.
Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
So Johnny decides to go into hisgrand parent's room, only to find the
blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny: " Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?"
Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
Feeling rejected,Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into
bed.
A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling
at him so decide to go and apologize.
Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
Johnny:"I'm playing cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?"
Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
Before we make Love she said, I must tell you the truth, look! She slipped off a wig and was bald as can be!
Oh thats Ok you look sexy he replied.
Wait, but wait there is more she then said. She removed padding from her Bra slipped out her glass eye, removed a false hand removed a false leg!
I am going down stairs he said. Just, throw it down when you are ready!
Oh thats Ok you look sexy he replied.
Wait, but wait there is more she then said. She removed padding from her Bra slipped out her glass eye, removed a false hand removed a false leg!
I am going down stairs he said. Just, throw it down when you are ready!
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into
the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms
again.
Your loving wife.
P. S. Your girlfriend called.
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into
the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so
please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms
again.
Your loving wife.
P. S. Your girlfriend called.
Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:
1) $100.00 to do it on the Grass.
2) $200.00 to do it on a Couch.
3) $300.00 to do it in the Bed.
In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table.
So they went out and did it on the grass.
Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there.
About the end of the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow, you have class".
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor... This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see...
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car and a Sergeant slowly approaches the car, with his gun drawn.
Sgt.: Ma'am, could you s tep out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Sgt.: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Sgt.: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Sgt.: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
Sgt.: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a cl**tch purse and hands it to the Sergeant, who examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Sgt.: Thank you ma'am, but I am a little confused. The officer who stopped you told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see...
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car and a Sergeant slowly approaches the car, with his gun drawn.
Sgt.: Ma'am, could you s tep out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Sgt.: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Sgt.: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Sgt.: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
Sgt.: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a cl**tch purse and hands it to the Sergeant, who examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Sgt.: Thank you ma'am, but I am a little confused. The officer who stopped you told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I never wake up before 7:00."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I never wake up before 7:00."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
A man flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport.
One year later the man returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. At the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The man thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The man got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab." said the cabbie.
The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport.
One year later the man returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. At the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The man thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The man got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab." said the cabbie.
The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=nHhUuGheOY8]
This kid insane!!!!
This kid insane!!!!
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