Forum: Funny Stuff
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!) Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Gre en - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you're initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar:The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday
Emotion Test Don't cheat. It's pretty good, see how close it comes. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!) Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If you're initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday
cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. quickly coming up with a plan, i cuckooed nine
more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. i was very proud of
myself.
the next day, my wife asked what time i got home, and i replied, "midnight,
just like i said."
she said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo
clock. when i asked why, she answered, "last night when it cuckooed midnight, it
cuckooed three times, said s**t, cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed
three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started
giggling."
click view image at base of the pic
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no, because your back hurts when you wake up.
you no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & ho-ho's
'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that
much again'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hear ing of the news, posted
the follo wing headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you' ll be a lot happier
and
live longer!
Have
a nice day
"Will you go to bed with me?" he asks.
"No, my husband would not approve," she responds.
"What if I give you $1000?"
"Well for a $1000, I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when he's at work."
So the man shows up the next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did. In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught.
"Was my best friend here today?"
"Yes," his wife replies with concern.
"And did he leave $1000?"
"Yes," she replies again, expecting the worst.
"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? Q. What did the blonde�s left leg say to her right leg? Q. How does a blonde part their hair? Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators? Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering? Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? Q. How did the blonde burn her nose? Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde? Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head? Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common? Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are? Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails? Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet? Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? Q. How do you drown a blonde? Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet? Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses? Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws? Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician? |
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working...
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our
sex
lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."
$100.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Is Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass bythe school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he
followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to
tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole
story before you interrupt!
little johnny is back - {eps.2} madddddd
Just as mom walks through the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says "Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed..."
The mother interrupts him. "Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!"
When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says "I'm leaving you."
The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??" Mother turns to Johnny and says " tell daddy exactly what you told me today!"
"I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they tarted kissing and then they took each others clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and uncle Joe did last summer."
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
The Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME *la*hPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating *lo**. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican? Q. How come Mike Tyson�s eye's water during sex? Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night? Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp? Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson? Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall? Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick? Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven? Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed? Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her? Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress? Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common? Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?" Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky? Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common? Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common? Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy? |
Warning: Super Cat is on the block and ready to kick butt. All criminals better watch out, not to get scratched!
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough *la*hd to work one of them at a time!" Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!" |
-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 11:50, 2008-03-07
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.....
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Hell no in fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZEbecause ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However , be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will ! cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck ,
Tech Support
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
NO RAMP WID JAMAICAN, WE WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING Fe SURVIVE
Finally he got one at the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out. 'The monkey escaped last night', the zoo-keeper said,' if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you' The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Later in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"
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