Parkinsons Disease - a chronic disease of the central nervous system caused by lowered levels of the inhibitory neurotransmitter dopamine. Symptoms include muscular tremors and weakness. Once you get this definition it should be clear.




This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty
years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his
penis in her hand.

Anyway,
the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I'm sorry,I still
love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman."

The wife
gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than
me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says
"Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the
woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs,
"Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have?" Husband
replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease."

-- Edited by pengo at 15:25, 2008-03-16

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

BAKED BEANS
>
> One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
> When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
> sacrifice and gave up baked beans.
> Some months later, on my birthday my car broke
> down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called
> my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to
> walk home.
> On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor
> of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I
> figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the
> diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
> All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my
> arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for
> dinner tonight."
> He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
> I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise
> not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
>
> The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
> pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my
> husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my
> weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like
> a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
> I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
> around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off
> three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
> Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
> room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
> The pleasure was indescribable.
> When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
> times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
> it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
>
> My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He
> asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
> not. At this point he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
> seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
> I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

Darling I'm home!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.

The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."

Everyone stayed calm.

About another hour later, another boom.

The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"

The people stayed calm.

An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.

Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested

That he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarra**ed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No,

Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still c lasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took hi s hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside. She then administered a very tender and artful massage
for several minutes and then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.

Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.

Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing about?''

A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ''Tony Danza's coming back with a watermelon.'''

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What, my dear?" she asked gently. "You're a goddamn jinx!"

Don't cheat! Before you read on, choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below:

Pink hearts
Yellow moons
Orange stars
Green clovers
Blue diamonds
Purple horseshoes
Those icky oat bits

Okay. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!

An amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed!

Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.

BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.

ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.

PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's/ he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?

YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article.

People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you''d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub DJ BAD4LIFE TO THE WORLD no body move, no one will get hurt pure badness is here

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."


DJ BAD4LIFE TO THE WORLD EVILME

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully Steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands Them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude Bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It was not very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled Vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the Road?!" asks the Officer.  "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

---

	Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on the interstate with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him? Instructions for a fun time on the interstate.
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell..

Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!
I don't care who you are...thats FUNNY!!!

1)"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, and then replied, "My wife's first husband."

There were three black ladies getting ready to  take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cone field, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...' 

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says,

'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties,  cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first.'

Tommy went up to a little girl named Bubblez
he asked "wanna be my friend?"
she replied "Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
he said "Ill give you candy"
she said "ok"
later on Tommy went up to Bubblez again
"wanna come yo my house and study?"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"Ill give you candy"
"ok"
when they went to his place he asked
"do you want to go to my room?"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"Ill give you candy"
"ok"
when their in his room he asks
"wanna take off your clothes and hope in bed with me?"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"Ill give you candy"
"ok"
later on Tommy hears someone coming up the stairs
"Bubblez get off of me my moms coming"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"oh man, I have no more candy"
THE END

  CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Galaxy Kholi . May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ ..on..... .889861356102049 998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 43rd Floor, Akask View Apt, Cantt Road, ...... Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is
0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high *lo**
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes"
from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how
much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The
total is Rs2249.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs10,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your scooter.. ."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Lambretta 1969 Vintage
Scooter,...registra tion number USE 8999..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic.... ... "

Customer: uh..err..err. .eh#$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11th Nov 1986 you were convicted for using abusive language on a policeman who stopped you for driving through a one way, in fact you were driving a 1973 Ambassador bearing registration number UTD 4267.......
Customer: [Faints]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."

A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."

The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.

The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX?

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,
$14 000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS? SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Sad news... 

 

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the   belly.    He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.    

 

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.The gravesite was piled high with flours.

 

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.   Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

A man and his wife were having problems in their relationship, so they went to a psychologist.

The psychologist, who was a man, saw the couple several times, but to no avail.

The woman complained her husband wasn't affectionate.

The man said he didn't understand what she was talking about.

Finally, after many sessions of explaining to the man his wife's need for affection, the psychologist lost his patience. He told the man's wife to take off her clothes, then he had sex with her, and told the man, "This is what your wife needs every day".

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back

WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny girl to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little snit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!  

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

http://www.break.com/index/reporter-owned-by-sled2.html

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 4-5 inches long when erect; no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth. Incidentally the average vaginal capacity is
Only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong.

3) 80% of American men are circumcise, though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say nothing but time can make your penis grow. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called 'prostatic congestion.'

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates


+Some stuff on the ladies+
------------ --------- ---------

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves 'attractive' (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term 'natural', 24% say
They have 'average' looks, 8% prefer the term 'feminine', 7% say they are 'good looking', and 7% say they are 'cute', and finally only 2% of women say they are 'sexy'.

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.


+Both+
------------ --------- --------- --

1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.

2) 70% of high schoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

4) Teens are most likely to have sex for the first time in JUNE.

5) First-time intercourse is often unplanned, meaning it's less likely teens will use contraception.

6) Virginity is often lost with a person they HAVEN'T been dating.


+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women
Who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better; problem is that ugly people don't get any. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.


Did You Know?
------------ --------- --------- --------- -

1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!

We are about to enter the summer soon and BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this

sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do,

probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary

cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.


Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings

them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her

annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Britney Spears


Ashley Simpson



Cameron Diaz


Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones


The Beckhams


Gwen Steffani


Hillary Duff


Jennifer Aniston


Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony


Johnny Depp


John Travolta


Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen


Pamela Anderson


Paris Hilton


Sarah Jessica Parker


Sharon Stone


Tara Reid


Tom Cruise