This is a Chinese giant salamander

There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other on a train, with the girl being in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!

As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him.

The white man is thinking to himself, "Damn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."

Meanwhile, the Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat blo*o*dclaat white bwoy one more time.

This Jamaican guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office on the 97th floor in the World Trade Center, kissed his wife and told her he loved her.

When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village. He turned his cell phone off, and thought of spending some quality hours putting down some good wuck on her.

At about 11:00AM, while still at her place tired and overworked, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who was screaming at him, "Where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"

He screamed back. What the hell is wrong with you woman, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=whhbPVrb5KM]

not sure if i posted it in the right place, but its funny as hell



-- Edited by Crazypickney at 10:08, 2008-03-26

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=pCnjuJ1pbmc]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=4HfxNaSZ2q8]

>An very old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. Very broke at the
>time, he wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very
>hard work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would
>have helped him, was in prison.
>
>The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
>Shortly, he received this reply, "Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden,
>that's where I bury di GUNS!" At 4 a.m. the next morning police and
>soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
>
>Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
>happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now
>plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best me coulda do fi yu at this time."

A married Jamaican couple was making love on a chair until it suddenly broke.
The husband, feeling a little aggravated, got up and went to go get ready for work.

"Ya kno seh isa u mus fix de chair", said the wife.
"But wait, ya tink seh me name Carpen-ta!?", replied the husband.

The wife also noticed the light in the hall needed to change.
"And ya kno seh isa u mus fix de rhatid light inna de hall!", shouted the wife.
"Ha! Wham, ya tink seh is me name Electrician!?", replied the husband.

At that note, the wife also remebered the broken toilet in the bathroom.
"And dont forgot isa u who "affa fix de ra**clot toilet inna de bathroom bwoy!", said the wife.

"Lawd God! this gayl na easy!", said the husband to himself, "But wait, ya tink seh I & I name bumbaclot Plumb-a'!" the husband got his stuff together and left the house to go to work.

When the husband came back, he noticed the chair, light, and toilet were all fixed.

"I see that ya hire' a new repair man wen me left fa work, wha him name?", asked the husband.

"Leroy from across de street. The man say him will fix Heveryting for some f**k or if me bake him a pie.", replied the wife.

"Ohh! De man na easy, and isa wut flava pie ya cook for de man Leroy?", asked the husband.

"HaHaaa! Jessum Peez! But wait bwoy!, ya tink se isa ME name a BUMBACLOTTT Bake-a!"

This had to cut deep..............
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed......
P.... E.... N.... I.... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

Some Sex Jokes > > TOP 8 SEX JOKES > > # 8 > > > > A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" > > the > > bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the > > young > > man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first > > blowjob." > > "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No > > offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." > > > > ********************************************************* > > > > #7 > > > > A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to > > an > > absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices > > she > > is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and > > she > > replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It > > identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and > > Polish > > men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. > > What's > > yours?" He coolly replies, > > "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." > > > > *********************************************************** > > > > # 6 > > > > One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his > > wife > > on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and > > says: > > I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want > > to > > stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few > > minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he > > whispers > > in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" > > > > ************************************************************ > > > > # 5 > > > > Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a > > number > > of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a > > terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle > > slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk > > about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarra**ed. He vowed to > > overcome > > the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home > > absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at > > once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she > > asked. > > "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put > > my > > penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." > > "My > > God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what > > happened > > with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." > > > > ************************************************************** > > > > # 4 > > > > A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma > > for > > several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead > > of > > just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs > > out > > and > > tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should > > try > > rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes > > in > > and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor > > suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will > > wait > > outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be > > embarra**ed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, > > white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks > > what > > happened to which the man replies: "She choked." > > > > ************************************************************ > > > > # 3 > > > > A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the > > alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make > > you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals > > inside. > > Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his > > mouth > > and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this > > spectacle, > > each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. > > The > > man > > stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in > > the > > alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. > > After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator > > hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man > > removed his genitals unscathed > > as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were > > delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay > > anyone > > $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After > > a > > while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. > > "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the > > beer > > bottle". > > > > *************************************************************** > > > > # 2 > > > > A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a > > huge > > black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the > > small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 > > pound > > left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy > > faints!! > > The big black dude picks up the small white guy and > > brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small > > white > > guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did > > you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot all, > > 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my > > name > > is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought > > you said 'Turn around. '" > > > > *********************************************************** > > > > # 1 > > > > There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were > > sitting > > at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his > > wife, > > "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she > > replied, > > "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast > > table > > together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here > > naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do > > you > > say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and > > sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady > > breathlessly > > replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years > > go." > > "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and > > the > > other is in your oatmeal!!!!

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=4HfxNaSZ2q8]

not funny....but crazy!!!


[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=FUneG1s1GP0]

Three leaders went to hell, Gordon Brown (U.K.), George Bush (U.S.A.), and Bruce Golding (Jamaica). Brown asked the devil if he could make a call to England to see if the country is running ok. He made the call, and he stayed on the call for 5 minutes. Satan told him that the bill is 5 million dollars. Bush also asked if he could call his home country, the U.S. to see if all was well. He stayed on the call for 8 minutes and it cost him $8 million dollars. Bruce then said he wanted to call Jamaica. He spent 2 HOURS on the call, then asked Satan how much the bill was. Satan replied, "$1 dollar". He asked, "How come? Afta mi stay longa dan Brown an Bush?" Satan replied, "You made a local call. Calling within hell is a local call."

-- Edited by Masta StReTcH at 13:21, 2008-03-26

A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks, "You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?" "Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?" "Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman. "Well, a have a couple Hundred dollas...." he proudly announced. With that, the hooker interrupted him, grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room. After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked. "Yeah Man," Arlene said, "Me will deh yah." The next night, the fellow comes back and gives up $200. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the bed, and asks. "Will you be here tomorrow night?" "Honey," replied the hooker, "Mi deh yah every night fi you". Night comes and the fellow was back in action. When they were done, they are both sitting on the edge of the bed. "Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica yu from?" "Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin. "True ? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!" the hooker exclaimed. "I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred dollas fi gi yu!"

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=26968276

http://www.break.com/movies_nsfw/funny-boobie-*la*hper.html?ref=track15

-- Edited by moneybelly at 00:58, 2008-03-26

-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 10:02, 2008-03-26

I know that i shouldnt be laughing but i find this funny as hell.[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=lcGVIgL9gDw]

We are a upper class Jamaican family, so last week, in keeping with our status we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the headwaiter brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "well sah, the American restaurant owner dem recently hire some expert an' dem lay dung procedure fi everyting whe wi duh. Them look at di statistics an' find dat customers drop them spoon 73.84 procent more orffen than any ada utensil sah, whe dem call a "drop frequency" of 'bout 3 spoon ah table ah hour. So ef di waitah carry spoon, we can reduce the numbah ah trips back to di kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours ah shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "Mi wi get a nex' spoon next time mi go inna di kitchen instead ah mi fi mek ah extra trip figo get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Yes sah!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Nobaddy else eva notice di string! Di consulting firm mi tel you bout, dem fine out sey wi can save some time inna di restroom." "How?" I asked. "Yuh see," he continued, "by tying di string onto di tip of wi you know what, we can pull it out over the toilet widout we haffi touch it and that way we noh haffi wash wi hand, an cut dung pon di time wi spen' inna di restroom by 76.39 percent."> "Okay, that makes sense," I responded. "But ... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "Mi noh know 'bout dem ada one, but yu see mee sah...ah di spoon me use ."

Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!" Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up. Constantly remind the driver of road conditions. Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan. Remember: If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will. When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green. Remember your religion; always yell something like "Jesus", "God", "Allah", etc. The more upset you become, the more words you should add to the All Mighty's name. For example: (and with NO offense meant to Jesus, so please, NO flaming email!) * A car simply pulling out in front of you, calls for a "Jesus!" * A car pulling out in front of you and hitting the brakes, calls for a "Jesus Christ!" and * A car pulling out in front of you, hitting the brakes, and then making a sudden sharp turn in front of someone else, calls for a "Jesus Christ, All Mighty, what the @#$#% is this a*%hole's problem??!!!" When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you pass the intersection. Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right. Point to the right and tell the driver to make a left. When giving the driver directions, always mean to say one thing and tell the driver another. Then when the driver gets confused and passes a turn, yell. When riding with other passengers, quickly jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!" Then, tell everyone you'll sit in the back during the return trip. But, have no intention of doing so. No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane. When in the middle lane in heavy traffic, tell the driver that you really need to be in the right lane. Then when you finally cut another car off to be in the right lane, tell the driver you made a mistake and that this lane is going to end. When traveling straight, tell the driver to get into the left lane. A lane that suddenly becomes a "left-lane-must-turn-left". Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!" Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped. When being picked up as a passenger, bring a messy powdered sugar donut and a large uncovered cup of coffee. Then, piss and moan whenever the driver hits a bump in the road. All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal. Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation. When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn". When directing the driver to make right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn". As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car. Whenever the driver parks, get out and inspect whether or not the car is properly parked within the lines.

If the ground is slightly damp from a little rain, and traffic is generally moving at 65 MPH, drive at 15 MPH. When a major road is covered with a dangerous amount of snow, and traffic is generally moving at 15 MPH, drive at 65 MPH. The more slippery the road surface is, the more you should change lanes. Only use parking lights when driving in rain, sleet, snow, or fog. If all snow has been plowed, and plenty of salt and sand has been spread on the road, drive at 10 MPH. Even if traffic is generally moving at 55 MPH. If the road is slippery due to ice, rain, or snow, intentionally cause your vehicle to swerve and make "S" type maneuvers. When stopped at a red signal in the rain or snow, always spin your tires to make as much of a distraction as possible. When approaching a large water puddle in the road, drive through it to cause a tidal wave to hit other cars and pedestrians. When driving in any type of nasty weather, disregard all traffic lines painted on the road. If the road conditions are anything but dry, always tailgate. When driving during a winter snow, don't clean the ice off the top of your car. Then, drive as fast as possible so that everything flies off your roof and hits other cars. When your car is covered with snow or ice, only clean off a little tiny section in front of the driver's seat so that you won't have any idea of what's going on around you. If your windshield becomes fogged while driving, DO NOT wipe it off. Just turn on the defroster and lean your body between the driver's and passenger seat and duck your head to the dashboard. Then continue driving by peaking out the windshield where the defroster has just started to clear. Slam on your brakes to see how slippery the snow, rain, or ice is. Do not use your windshield wipers in the pouring rain, if you don't like the squeaking noise they make. Keep your windshield wipers going long after the rain has stopped. When brushing the snow off your car, brush it onto the bumper so that it blocks your headlights, turn lights, and brake lights. When driving on a sheet of ice, go as fast as possible because you have a 4x4 vehicle and it is equipped with anti-lock brakes. If the heat in your car is broken, wear a winter coat that is too large for you and zip it all the way up so that the only part of your head that is uncovered is your eye brows and forehead.

When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit. When driving at a slower speed, stay in the right-most lane. When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window. If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers. Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all. When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off. Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap. Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down. You always have the right of way. Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road. Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time. Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit. While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield. Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living crap out of them. If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend. Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers. When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you are at the window before filling out the forms. Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers: * "Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT SHIT" * "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you" * "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" * "If you can read this, you're too close" * "Watch my ass, not hers" * "I'd rather be skiing" * "I brake for no apparent reason" * "I drive this way just to piss you off" Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times. Never use your ashtray. Flick cigarettes out the window when you are done with them. Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways. Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,000 dB. If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light. If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road. Save time, read your newspaper and have breakfast while driving to work. When at a gas station, don't pull up to the first available pump. This way people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should also pay with a credit card. If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving only a half inch between him and your side-view mirror. me see ppl do dis Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving. Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel. If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly. If you own a yellow construction vehicle, drive it on major roads during rush hour traffic. Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic hours. When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop. If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles. On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass. If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press. If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible. When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you. Steer you car toward any small animals or rodents running through the street. Then, yell to everyone else in the car "Hey, did you feel that little bump? I just ran over a bunny rabbit!" If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look. If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so. When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic. When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier. The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way. If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child. When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate. When pulling into a gas station, drive back and forth over the black cable to repeatedly make the "ding" sounds. Keep your ski racks on all year round so that you look like a police car in other car's rear-view mirrors. If you are a part-time volunteer at a local fire department and have one of those blue "ooh-look-at-me-I'm-important" flashing lights on your car, use it whenever you go shopping or to a restaurant. Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other. When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street blocking someone else's driveway. When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure that you park partially on someone's lawn. Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle of changing lanes. If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy morons" on the road. After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a snack. Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel. While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place. If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out and have his ass kicked. Drive until you are 130 years old, with no eye sight, hearing, reflexes, wit, or pulse. Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does. When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old infant in the car alone with the ignition running. When passing a bicyclist, do not under any circumstance cross the center line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight. Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach the pedals. When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it. Save money. Don't bother with insurance. If you legally posses a gun and your state permits unconcealed carrying, drive with it on your dashboard so that anyone you cut off will have second thoughts about "flipping you the bird." If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures. After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver. When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap. If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm. If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a Moron. Then when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp. Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. Or adjust them so that you can see your hair. When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it. If you get pulled over by a law enforcement officer, try to talk your way out of the ticket. Even if you drive a "souped-up" red sports car with no muffler or seat belts, illegally tinted windows, bumper stickers that say "Legalize Marijuana" and a vanity license plate that says "F E L O N". If you are bored and looking for something interesting to do on a summer night, try CAR BOWLING. To do this, you drive through a residential neighborhood on garbage night. Hold a bowling ball out the car window and drive as fast as you can. Then slam on the brakes and let the ball go. If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly toward traffic behind you. There are NO motor vehicle laws that are applicable to cops. If you are an officer of the law, feel free to speed and make illegal U-turns. If traffic is exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your red lights and go for it. When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey? You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!" Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears. When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING. When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you. If you have an automobile newspaper route, don't pull over as you slow down to throw the papers out the window. Always drive with your right arm behind the passenger seat. Drive with your seat far back enough, that a dentist can fill cavities while you travel. If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't. Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass. If someone leans on their horn to get your attention so they can curse at you for a moronic thing you just did, ignore them and don't make eye contact. Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they completely block the side and back windows. If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass. When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident. If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early. When driving around curves, always drive over the line and into the oncoming traffic lane.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis!!!

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her."

Recently this Jamaican won the 10 million special lottery for a dollar. As soon as the office of the Lottery Corporation was open on the following day, he was there to collect his winnings.

He presented his winning ticket to the clerk and in his best English uttered his request " Me cum fi collect the 10 millian dallars, si me ticket ya".

After reviewing and checking the ticket with his manager, the clerk returned and requested on how he would like his payments.

The jamaican replied "Mi wan all a de moni now".

"Unfortunately, Sir" the nervous clerk responded, "the procedures are that we can only give you one million now and the balance equally over the next 20 years".

Furious and agitated, the Jamaican asked for the manager, who re-iterated "Sir, my assistant is correct. It is our regulation that we initially pay you one million dollars now with the balance paid to you equally over the next 20 years".

Outraged, the Jamaican slammed his hand on the desk and shouted in anger, " 'Unnuh tek me fi idiat? I wan' all a de moni now, or gi' me bak me dallar".

http://www.feelstupid.com/img927.search.htm

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE ANYWAY?



I WOULD NOT WANT TO TOUCH THE GRIP WHEN SHE IS DONE! BUT SHE DOES LOOK HAPPY.



HELLLOOOOOOO



HEADS UP


DAAAAAAAAMMNN!! MAYBE A WIDER BAND ON THE OUTFIT? OR AN OUTFIT CHECK BEFORE HITTING THE DANCE FLOOR?



PEEK-A-BOO


OUCH..BUT HE DESERVES IT, HIS SWORD IS
STUCK IN THE BULL'S NECK.


AGAIN, HAVE AN OUTFIT CHECK BEFORE HITTING
THE ICE. BUT HER BAND IS WIDER.


MAYBE CHECK THE "UNDIE-FIT" AS WELL AS THE OUTFIT.


lets go hit nineteen holes??

-- Edited by owadkelly at 20:46, 2007-12-02

http://www.sendspace.com/file/4a5qgt

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big, burly, trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man.  I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says."I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.  "I  can't do anything right.  I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I  came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

Even if youre not a Christian, Im sure you know about the seven deadly sins - lust, gluttony, avarice, sloth, anger, envy and pride - the seven cardinal vices that supposedly damned ones soul to eternal damnation. Well apparently not enough people are f**king up these days, because the Vatican has announced seven new additions to the list. Unlike their predecessors, the new deadly sins are a little less concise, and a little more controversial. They include:

Taking or dealing in drugs
Polluting the environment
Engaging in manipulative genetic science
Pedophilia
Abortion
Social injustices that cause poverty
The excessive accumulation of wealth by a few

The thing about these sins is that theyre nothing really new. Its like when Taco Bell gets a new Crunchy Cheesy Wrapped Super Supreme whatever-the-f**k: its just the same shit put together in a different way. I mean, Im sure theyre well intentioned and all but has fear of hell ever really stopped people from f**king off? I mean, Catholic Priests, supposedly the intermediaries between Man and Divinity get more little boy ass than an elementary school toilet seat. And excessive accumulation of wealth? Wigger please! From a Time Magazine

http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=4j6x4h&s=3

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 23:54, 2008-03-14

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 23:56, 2008-03-14

-- Edited by dappa75wifie at 00:37, 2008-03-15

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

FROM U KNOW U STRAIGHT LEFF AH REPLY..

-- Edited by Gucci at 17:41, 2008-02-16

You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that

took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno

mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.


After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage

with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them at their wedding.


He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to

thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give

everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding

party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride

having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and

had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions

for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,

'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta

here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately

after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and

family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial

out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000.

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of

the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD.



A Mastercard Wedding
A Mastercard Wedding


'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--

what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'

Two blondes were driving.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde friend looks out the window and says; Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.....

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.

"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"

"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."