A young Jamaican University graduate applied for an engineering position at a Kingston based firm. A Trini Engineer also applied for the job, and both applicants, since they had the same qualifications on paper, were asked by the Department Manager to take a test.

Upon completion of the test, the manager went to the Jamaican and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the man from Trinidad the job."

The Jamaican asked, "Suh why yu do dat? Bote a wi get nine questions rite. And dis is Jamaica,and me is Jamaican, so a me shoulda get de wuk!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision, based not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you both missed."

The Jamaican asked, "An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer betta dan de adda ?"

The manager replied, "Simple. The Trini put down "'I don't know" for question
5, and you put "Me nuh know either".

---

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and so me apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."



2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"




4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's

sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."



6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into

the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son

of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,

two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little

to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

1) No matter what anyone tells you remember there is no vaccine against stupidity. (2)whipe your mouth there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around it. (3)Never go to bed angry stay up and plot your revenge. (4)If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth. (5) Don't let your mind wonder it's too small to be out on its own. (6)Life is too short to dance with ugly men. (7)As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools. (8)Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. (9)If you woke up breathing congratulations you have another chance. (10)Love yourself no matter what those other bitches say it may be the only thing you have over them

---

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman $hah


The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw.
You kNOw what I mean.

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;  a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.  However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. 

          The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. 

          "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. 

          The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. 

          Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.  When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. 

          "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. 

          This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. 

          Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.  After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........ 

          Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!" 

---

There are these two guys driving a car. When the guy driving blows
right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!", the
passenger said. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the
driver. Well, they continue to drive when the guy went flying through
another stop light. "You ran ANOTHER stop light. You are going to get
us killed!!!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it
all the time, the driver said. After a while they came to a green light
when the guy stopped. "why are you stopping?" the driver turned around
and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

-- Edited by steppz at 09:57, 2008-04-26

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

---

http://www.okcupid.com/slut WE ARE ALL WATING FOR YOU RESULTS PLS POST WHEN FINISH

---

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a drugstore to buy a package of condoms.
There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was empty.

She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on she dropped her skirt, removed
her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back, and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"


I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

---

---

A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt. Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir? Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it. Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.

---

Not a sex machine

Dear Pastor,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for about three months. We have known each other for a year-and-a-half. I am 18 and he is 20. I am starting to fall deeply in love with him everyday, more and more. I told him that I love him very much and he told me the same, but sometimes it does not feel that way. Sometimes, he tends to ignore me and I seriously hate it. I want to feel loved all the time and have fun with him.

He treats me really well on some occasions, but when his friends are around, he acts differently. In fact, he acts like a fool. I really wish that he would show me that he really cares for me and treat me the same everywhere we go and no matter who we are around. I never act differently towards him, and he knows that I'm not playing games.

The next thing I hate is that whenever he gets upset with me, he doesn't want to talk to me or even touch me. He gets mad for everything and I don't know what his problem is. If I don't have sex with him the day he wants it, he doesn't call or talk to me for that whole day. We have some good sex on some days, but it's not everyday that I am feeling for it. And furthermore, I told him that I am not a sex machine. I told him why I can't have sex often, but he doesn't want to hear it. I am really trying to make this relationship work. We do have some exciting days together, but not as much as I want it to be. I would be devastated if he were to break my heart.

Pastor, please, tell me how to reach him and break that lock that is around him?





Perhaps this guy doesn't want it to be known that you are his girlfriend, so he gives you the cold shoulder when he is around his friends. Perhaps he feels that you are too possessive and you are not giving him enough space. Young lovers go through all sorts of problems. Some like to touch and hold hands in public while others detest doing so. But these are things that you need to talk about and develop a good understanding with each other.

You need to be careful. You have been having sex with this young man and it seems that if he doesn't have his way, he gets angry. The question that you must ask is this: Is this relationship going anywhere or am I in it just to satisfy my boyfriend's sexual needs? You see, a young man has to learn to respect his girlfriend and not to demand that she has sex with him whenever he pleases. And a woman should bear in mind that she should not allow a man to toy with her body because he may do so and never marry her and when she gets older, she may regret what she did. But by that time, it is too late. So, use your common sense, young lady, and walk carefully.

Cat listening to Stevie Wonder
 
Cat listening to HOUSE music

Cat listening to Metal

Cat listening to Hip Hop
 
Cat listening to GANGSTA RAP

Cat listening to Techno(on Ecstasy)

When you're on a 'country run', visiting some rural area in Jamaica, is when you're more likely to see some interesting signs and billboards such as the one below. Just in case you didn't know, the "Dutty Drop Dead" is a cross between two dances, the "Dutty Wine" and the "Drop Dead". You should be able to figure out what the other contest is about

CANADIAN: Excuse me little girl, can I fit in there?
JAMAICAN: Hey, pickney, small up youself!
TRINI: smallie, gimmeh ah pass dey
BAJAN: Scotch rung!
  
CANADIAN: That woman is overweight.
JAMAICAN: Lawd, look how she fat and spread out like mash bullfrog.
TRINI: Oh jeesan, dah woman realllll fat
BAJAN: You, she big as shite ya.

CANADIAN: You are such an attractive woman.
JAMAICAN: Gal you look like fresh vegetable.
TRINI: Darlin', yuh lookin' real good
BAJAN: Psssstt !My friend !

CANADIAN: I really would like for us to be intimate.
JAMAICAN: Gal, mi wan be wid you.
TRINI: Chek nah, ah wan tuh breed yuh.
BAJAN: Yuh gunna gimme piece or wha?

CANADIAN: There are a lot of men out there, that I can date besides
                you.
JAMAICAN: Tree no grow in me face ya know.
TRINI: Real men chek fuh me
BAJAN: When one door shut anudder one does open.

CANADIAN: He is such a womanizer.
JAMAICAN: Him walk bout like dawg, every light post him si, him haffi stap.
TRINI: Hees ah real sweetman
BAJAN: Heez de man.

CANADIAN: You have a crumb on your face, dear.
JAMAICAN: You look like when fowl come from mango walk.
TRINI: Yuh have ting on yuh face
BAJAN: Uh uuuh!!!Wuz dah pun you face???

CANADIAN: Oh, I see you are entering puberty.
JAMAICAN: How you face bumpy-bumpy like grater so?
TRINI: Yuh face real juk up
BAJAN: Ya face look like a ripe sour-sop.

CANADIAN: Honestly, I don't know the answer.
JAMAICAN: Ah wah you a bodda me guthole fa?
TRINI: I eh know !
BAJAN: WHA???

CANADIAN: Casserole
JAMAICAN: Putto-putto
TRINI: Pelau
BAJAN: Cou-Cou

CANADIAN: Aeroplane
JAMAICAN: Silver bird
TRINI: Tri Star
BAJAN: Bee-wee

CANADIAN: Bank teller
JAMAICAN: Bank clark
TRINI: Big wok
BAJAN: Tellar

CANADIAN: Taxi
JAMAICAN: Robot
TRINI: Maxi
BAJAN: ZR

CANADIAN: She sleeps around
JAMAICAN: She flighty
TRINI: Real men dig dat gurl
BAJAN: Boy you, she wutless as shite !

---

 At the 1997 World Women's conference the first speaker from England stood up: 

           "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.  Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.  After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing but after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."  The crowd cheered. 

           The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.  But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."  The crowd cheered. 

           The third speaker from Jamaica stood up: "Hafter last year's conference me went 'ome and tell me 'usband that mi would no longer do him cooking, cleaning or shoppin, and dat he would haffi do it imself. Hafter the first day me see nothin. Hafter the second day, me see nothin either. But hafter the third day, as the swelling went down, me could see a likkle bit outta me left eye.

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.
 
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more
than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange
it.Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra**iere while she bathed.
 
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
 
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four
hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
 
The King quickly summoned Nick.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which  he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
 
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh
told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's underwear.
 
The King immediately summoned Nick.
 
The moral of the story -
 
Pay your bills!  ...........................

Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh, dere are sometings yuh woulda neva see we a do, hear we ah seh or even attempt fi try... Tek fir instance...

• Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach di top? Yuh ever see we ah hang out inna di miggle of di Amazon jungle? Fi wa reason???
• Yuh ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday?
• Yuh eva see we inna sea bout we looking fi di Great White Sharks? No sah we wi watch it pon TV.
• Yuh eva hear a J'can man seh, "My best friend is a batty man, and mi nuh shame fi seh so??????"
• Yuh eva hear a J'can in ah Search & Rescue pan mountain. A mi sen dem up mountain? Dem find dem way up, dem fe find dem way dung again. Idiat dem! A nature way fe weed de weak and any hungry animal up deh!
• Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going nto a haunted house and asking..."Trevah yuh in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem caang fight it out in deh.
• Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh.."no honey...no need to cook rice and  peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday...... mek we order in a  pizzza nuh?" Try yu best.....not pon yu life.
• Yuh eva si a J'can man wearing tight pants or speedos on the beach???? ahhhmm, errr, heeem.. yes .. ah tink dem call dem chi chi man?
• Yuh eva si a jamaican come a work an tell everbaddy dem bizniz how dem  neva bade dis mawning, jus brush teet and wash face....
• Yuh eva si a jamaican wey luv talk ova ppl food, put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good. No sah! Dat wi cause a fight.
• Yuh ever see a Jamaican go inna di company fridge, and go tek weh next person sangwige and nyam it off?
• Yuh ever hear Jamaican pickney tel! l dem madda fi shut up, and di madda go tek seat inna kitchen, tek out cigarette start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? NO! One bax cra** him face fi sure. An if dem live in New Yaak dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di Summer and den di adda relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz.
• Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?
• Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werkplace ah talk bout how much tiyme him wife mek him sleep pan di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect im fi kick it open.

 guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, "Star apples J$100.00 each".

Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?" The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla." The farmer says, "Just turn it around an bite again man." He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.

The farmer says, "Mi have fish an' festival star apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each." The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!." The farmer says, "Just turn it around, man." He does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet crunchy festival fills his mouth.

The farmer nods in approval and says, "Now, if you really like dat, mi 'ave some extra special apples dat cost $500.00 each. They're pum pum apples." "Pum Pum apples?" The man cannot resist and whips out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in disgust, shouting "YUCK, these taste like shit!" The farmer cooly responds, "Jus' tun it 'round, man!!"

...nice tits...

---

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

---

Doin Laundry



A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex." This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.

Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.

A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again. She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want," He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?

---

How Is this for payback


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding abattery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one"

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.

---

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"

The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Dear Customaz:
It look like dem mek mistake an ship out couple a copies a WINDOWS 98 YARDIE VERSION somewhere inna Idaho. If you good ole country folks in Idaho need a translatian fi di commaan dem, ere dem is:

When yuh open di Yardie edition yuh wi si di opening screen. It reads: "WINDAS 98", wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square.

When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di bad bwoy antem: "Murda-ra *lo** deh pan yuh shoulda" By Buju Banton".

Please also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary"
My Computer is called "A Fimi Own"
The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come"
Deleted Items are referred to as "Gaan, Rub out, Yuh Salt"
Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellie"
Control Panel is known as the "Babylon"
Hard Drive is referred to as "Reema an Jungle"
Instead of an error message, "Ediat! Yuh know weh yuh a do?" pops up.
Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "Smuggling not allowed unless part of the Govament"

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIE EDITION:
OK.............Cool Noh
Cancel.........No badda yaw man
Reset..........Rewine
Yes............Irie
No.............No sah
Find...........Look fi it
Browse.........Faas
Back...........Tun roun
Help...........(this is not a feature ... Jamaicans know it all an doan need noh help)
Stop...........Dun now
Start..........Gwan troo
Settings.......Di set up

Also note dat keyboard noh of di YARDIE EDITION no have di letter "H." Wi doan use dat in wi vocabulary So dis is how yuh mus type certain "H" words:

Help.........Elp
Horrible?....Arrible
Hart ??? ....Art
Heavy ??.....Eby
Honda??......Unda
Handkerchif..Kerchief
Holiday......Alliday

Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men, said "cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill
and now them have a son.

A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter& jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Yardie ignores the Trini who, nevertheless,starts a conversation Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?" Yardie in a bad mood): "Of course" Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans". The Trini has a smirk on his face. The Yardie listens in silence The Trini persits : "Do you eat jam with the bread?" Yardie: "Of course" Trini: (Cracking he gum wid he teet and chucklin')"We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we does put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them into jam and sell the jam to the Jamaicans" The Yardie then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?" Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says smirking Yardie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Trini : "We throw them away, of course" Yardie: "We don't. In Jamaica we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell dem ra_s ah Trinidad.

yow mi just hear this a 16 year youth go fi rob a car parts store but the cashier seh only the manager can open the money safe so the damn idoit thief lef i'm number an tell the cashier fi call nhim when the manager come in so the cashier call him back an then call the police an the idoit did come back an they just arrest him .

One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
"A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked.
"Mi noh know, " the little girl said.

The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died!

Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in
the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "Yuh neva come 'ome dis late before, wha happen?"
"Mi no waan talk 'bout it," he said. "Mi jus 'ave de worst day a mi life."
"Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed.
"You'll neva believe wha happen. Dis mahnin, Desmond next door, drap dead pan de varandah."

a farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=8OsvaPXQbi4]

-- Edited by Krazy at 18:50, 2008-03-26