Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
-- Edited by Krazy at 03:35, 2008-03-21
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man, s**t! That must be my husband!
So the guy quickly got out of bed, scared and naked.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, And then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman I'm your husband, you slut!!!
So the woman answers: Oh, yeah!!
And why were you running? You son of a b*t*h!
TWO HOES WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET 1 HOE TOLD THE OTHER HOE "WE GONE A MAKE SOME MONEY TO NITE I SMELL DICK IN THE AIR" THE 2ND HOE SAID " OOPS IM SORRY I BURPED
Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease .. and HE'S the B*****d that ran over my frog!"
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease .. and HE'S the B*****d that ran over my frog!"
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this
Very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day" Not wanting to
Lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there
On the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to
The stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The 2 minute egg timer's broken."
He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this
Very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day" Not wanting to
Lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there
On the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to
The stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The 2 minute egg timer's broken."
one day rose walked up to her mum and said "mum how did i get my name?"
"well rose when you were a litle girl a rose petal fell on your head thats how you got your name"
next orchid walked up and said "how did i get my name mum?"
"well orchid an orchid petal fell on your forehead when you were small and thats how you got your name"
and then Fridge walked up began to try asking the same question "unnnunuuuuuunnnerrrreerereummmm un uh?"
"yes fridge we all know how you got your name."
New dell computer for porno!!!!lol lol lol this funny
March 25, 2008
Started By blackspyda — 8 Comments
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in. 
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van.....when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the f**king difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful !'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business."'
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the f**king difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful !'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business."'
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully, with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully, with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.
A well-dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked him, "Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200?"
Aghast, the man replied, "Are you nuts?!? That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed offended but he still tried again, "Sir, since you are a bit angry, I'll sell it to you for half price at $100. Whaddya say?"
Again, the man replied bluntly, "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reached into his briefcase, pulled out two brownies and began munching away on one of them. He told the irritated guy, "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much."
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy took a bite. Suddenly, he spat it out and said, "Hey! This brownie tastes like $HIT!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Aghast, the man replied, "Are you nuts?!? That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed offended but he still tried again, "Sir, since you are a bit angry, I'll sell it to you for half price at $100. Whaddya say?"
Again, the man replied bluntly, "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reached into his briefcase, pulled out two brownies and began munching away on one of them. He told the irritated guy, "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much."
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy took a bite. Suddenly, he spat it out and said, "Hey! This brownie tastes like $HIT!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
A Rastaman went to visit an elderly family friend. Him knock pon di door and s'maddy inside seh: "Ah who dat?" The Rastaman said: "It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, King of kings, Lord of lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I". The elderly person inside replied: "Ah juss me one dey yah, and mi nah open mi door fi so much a oonu!"
here were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.
The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.
The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.
Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.
"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted.
This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.
Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........
Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"
A man has 4 different types of girls....
> >A little long, but...
> >
> >A man has 4 different types of girls..
> >1. Wifey
> >2. Baby Girl
> >3. Side Piece
> >4. Jump Off
> >
> >1) Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most
respected of all
> the women. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man...she is
> VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE. She is the girl that the guy loves and will
> always love, he never wants to see her with another
man...BUT he will cheat on her with Baby Girl until he is mature
enough to realize that if he gets caught or fcks up in any way and loses
Wifey, he would be screwed,and NEVER be happy again. Wifey gets along
with mom, is independent,never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man,
can
cook and loves to keep a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a
day. Drawback of Wifey,she loves public displays of affection...which
might intefere with the acquisition of a Side Piece.
2) Baby Girl is ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and usually
has a very active social life...she IS replaceable, thinks she's the
next Wifey but will only be Wifey if an extreme disaster takes place.
Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like quality time every
now and then and even presents on birthdays and holidays, but thats as
far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is in case Wife
Really, really fcks up, she can be replaced in a matter of weeks because
Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into her spot. Be careful of
Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached as Wifey and therefore can
be dangerous to the Side Piece. Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is
extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into The
same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you two
even know each other. Baby Girl is a master of disguise as well.
3) Side Piece, usually a female that the guy uses only
for sex other pleasures, she is usually the one that he goes to for that
3some or some late night head after the club. When Wifey is acting up
and Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the one to hold him
over for a few hrs. He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other
than sex, but normally that only happens one week during the month.
Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because most of her
friends are either Wifey's or Jump Offs. Drawback of having more than
one side piece, they usually know each other somehow...we kinda think
there is a side piece network.com or something. Try to keep your side
piece count below 4 if possible.
4) Jump Off...every mans dream and worst nightmare. She
is trying to move up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or Wifey but
doesnt know how to go about it. They are just the girls he hollas at
when he is With his boys...she is usually stored in the cell phone by a
Nickname Because he barely remembers her real name and where he met
her...he only Recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called in
emergencies only, when wifey is moody, baby girl is on vacation and side
piece is with her baby's father. The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in
public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys jump off as
well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes if you
slip up, she also has no problem confronting you in the mall when you
are with Wifey (something that baby girl would NEVER do) and the most
dangerous thing about Jump Off...she ALWAYS seems to find out where you
live and or work.
> >A little long, but...
> >
> >A man has 4 different types of girls..
> >1. Wifey
> >2. Baby Girl
> >3. Side Piece
> >4. Jump Off
> >
> >1) Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most
respected of all
> the women. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man...she is
> VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE. She is the girl that the guy loves and will
> always love, he never wants to see her with another
man...BUT he will cheat on her with Baby Girl until he is mature
enough to realize that if he gets caught or fcks up in any way and loses
Wifey, he would be screwed,and NEVER be happy again. Wifey gets along
with mom, is independent,never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man,
can
cook and loves to keep a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a
day. Drawback of Wifey,she loves public displays of affection...which
might intefere with the acquisition of a Side Piece.
2) Baby Girl is ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and usually
has a very active social life...she IS replaceable, thinks she's the
next Wifey but will only be Wifey if an extreme disaster takes place.
Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like quality time every
now and then and even presents on birthdays and holidays, but thats as
far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is in case Wife
Really, really fcks up, she can be replaced in a matter of weeks because
Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into her spot. Be careful of
Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached as Wifey and therefore can
be dangerous to the Side Piece. Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is
extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into The
same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you two
even know each other. Baby Girl is a master of disguise as well.
3) Side Piece, usually a female that the guy uses only
for sex other pleasures, she is usually the one that he goes to for that
3some or some late night head after the club. When Wifey is acting up
and Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the one to hold him
over for a few hrs. He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other
than sex, but normally that only happens one week during the month.
Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because most of her
friends are either Wifey's or Jump Offs. Drawback of having more than
one side piece, they usually know each other somehow...we kinda think
there is a side piece network.com or something. Try to keep your side
piece count below 4 if possible.
4) Jump Off...every mans dream and worst nightmare. She
is trying to move up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or Wifey but
doesnt know how to go about it. They are just the girls he hollas at
when he is With his boys...she is usually stored in the cell phone by a
Nickname Because he barely remembers her real name and where he met
her...he only Recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called in
emergencies only, when wifey is moody, baby girl is on vacation and side
piece is with her baby's father. The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in
public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys jump off as
well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes if you
slip up, she also has no problem confronting you in the mall when you
are with Wifey (something that baby girl would NEVER do) and the most
dangerous thing about Jump Off...she ALWAYS seems to find out where you
live and or work.
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
no body move>>>no one will get hurt
Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "Yuh know yuh deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yuh stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yuh deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yuh was dere. When mi car crash an mi bruk up, yuh was dere. When mi health started to fail, yuh was dere, and when a start to get worse, yuh was dere ... right by mi side ... every time sumpn' bad happen to me yuh is right dere. Yuh know something? Yuh know sey it look like yuh a crosses!!!?"
When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "Yuh know yuh deh wid mi through all the bad times. When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yuh stood by mi side. When mi get shot, yuh deh by mi side. When wi lost the house, yuh was dere. When mi car crash an mi bruk up, yuh was dere. When mi health started to fail, yuh was dere, and when a start to get worse, yuh was dere ... right by mi side ... every time sumpn' bad happen to me yuh is right dere. Yuh know something? Yuh know sey it look like yuh a crosses!!!?"
THIS OLDER LADY ASKED A YOUNG MAN FOR A RIDE DOWN THE RIVER IN HIS BOAT. THERE COMES A POINT WHEN THE RIVER SPLITS, AND THE YOUNG MAN ASKS "UP OR DOWN." IT IS AT THIS POINT THE LADY JUMPS ON HIM & THEY HAVE PASSIONATE SEX.
SO LATER IN THE RIDE, THE COME TO A SPLIT AGAIN, AND HE ASKS AGAIN "UP OR DOWN" TO WHICH SHE ONCE AGAIN JUMPS ON HIM, AND HAVE PASSIONATE SEX.
THE NEXT DAY, REALIZING THE EVENTS FROM THE DAY B4, HE ASKED THE LADY IS SHE WANTED TO RIDE IN HIS BOAT AGAIN........THE LADY ACCEPTS, AND GETS IN THE BOAT.......SO WHEN THEY COME TO THE SPLIT, HE ASKS "UP OR DOWN" AND SHE RESPONDS "UP"....LATER IN THE RIDE, HE ASKS "UP OR DOWN" AGAIN, AND SHE SAYS UP.....IN ASTONISHMENT, THE BOY ASKS THE LADY "HOW COME YESTERDAY, WHEN I ASKED U 'UP OR DOWN', U JUMPED ON ME & WE HAD PASSIONATE SEX??"...THE OLDER LADY LOOKED AT THE BOY & SAID "CUZ YESTERDAY, I 4GOT MY HEARING AID, & THOUGHT U SAID "f**k OR DROWN"
SO LATER IN THE RIDE, THE COME TO A SPLIT AGAIN, AND HE ASKS AGAIN "UP OR DOWN" TO WHICH SHE ONCE AGAIN JUMPS ON HIM, AND HAVE PASSIONATE SEX.
THE NEXT DAY, REALIZING THE EVENTS FROM THE DAY B4, HE ASKED THE LADY IS SHE WANTED TO RIDE IN HIS BOAT AGAIN........THE LADY ACCEPTS, AND GETS IN THE BOAT.......SO WHEN THEY COME TO THE SPLIT, HE ASKS "UP OR DOWN" AND SHE RESPONDS "UP"....LATER IN THE RIDE, HE ASKS "UP OR DOWN" AGAIN, AND SHE SAYS UP.....IN ASTONISHMENT, THE BOY ASKS THE LADY "HOW COME YESTERDAY, WHEN I ASKED U 'UP OR DOWN', U JUMPED ON ME & WE HAD PASSIONATE SEX??"...THE OLDER LADY LOOKED AT THE BOY & SAID "CUZ YESTERDAY, I 4GOT MY HEARING AID, & THOUGHT U SAID "f**k OR DROWN"
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.'' |
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for a five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours? "The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions: Officer: What's 2 + 2? Blonde: Ummm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!" |
A penis told his 2 balls get ready and ill take you 2 a party the balls said u f**kin liar u always go inside and leave us outside knocking..............
THINGS MY JAMAICAN MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My Mother taught me HUMOR. "If yu don't eat food, breeze going blow yu 'way."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS. "Yu just like yu fadda."
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE. "When yu get to be as old as me, you will understand."
My mother taught me about anticipation. Just wait till we get home.
My mother taught me to meet a challenge. Wa di raas yu tinking? Answer me when me talk to yu...Dont talk back to me!
My mother taught me ESP. Yu tink a dont know what yu up to, nah?
My mother taught me to become an adult. Come an tek yu beating like a man.
My mother taught me justice. One day when yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way.
My Mother taught me HUMOR. "If yu don't eat food, breeze going blow yu 'way."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS. "Yu just like yu fadda."
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE. "When yu get to be as old as me, you will understand."
My mother taught me about anticipation. Just wait till we get home.
My mother taught me to meet a challenge. Wa di raas yu tinking? Answer me when me talk to yu...Dont talk back to me!
My mother taught me ESP. Yu tink a dont know what yu up to, nah?
My mother taught me to become an adult. Come an tek yu beating like a man.
My mother taught me justice. One day when yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way.
its reported that a church in wait-a-bit Trelawny had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she keeps distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning pastor got up on the pulpit and said, 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tew day'
| Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?" To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!" | ||
| I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?" A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!" This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...." | ||
Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
? Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."
? David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
? David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
? Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
? Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
? Jay Leno
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
? Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
? Jay Leno
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."
? Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."
? David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."
? David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
? Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
? Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."
? Jay Leno
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
? Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
? Jay Leno
Why it is so cool to be a man
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"
'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped
her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting
story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts
his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
* Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!
* Gosh, youre lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
* Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
* I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
* If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
* That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
* When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
* You dont need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
* This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
* Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
* Stop your swearing and just breathe.
* Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. Youre not using the right words.
* Your stomach still looks like theres another one in there.
* You dont have the guts to pull that trigger.
* Gosh, youre lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
* Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna
yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the
ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is
taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and
you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can
raed tihs forwrad it.
yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the
ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is
taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and
you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can
raed tihs forwrad it.
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEX AND FLYING
One night a 87 y/o woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 y/o husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ... killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor .... I figured that, at 92, if he could have sex he could fly!"
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEX AND FLYING
One night a 87 y/o woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 y/o husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ... killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor .... I figured that, at 92, if he could have sex he could fly!"
YO MAMMA'S SO FAT: -she was mistaken for god's bowling ball. -when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up -she had to go to Sea World to get babtised -she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth -her favorite dress is a tent -she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops -she has to iron her pants on the driveway -she needs a building permit for her girdle -she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring -she puts on tampons with a bazooka -she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller -she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon -she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out -she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel -she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar -when she sat on a dollar bill, *lo** came out of George Washington's nose -the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
There was this Jamaican married couple who were happily married for 15 years with a 14 year old son, a 8 year old son, and a 3 year old
daughter. Their sex lives were the greatest - five nights a week they would make mad, wild, passionate love. The only problem was the husband had a complex about having to make love with all the lights on.
The wife decided one day that she was going to help him break out of this bad habit. She got all sexied up. The husband comes home and shortly after they are making mad, wild, and passionate love. Suddenly, the wife remembers that she is supposed to help him get over needing to make love in the dark and without losing a beat turns the light on. She looks between her legs and sees this huge humanlike vibrator with thick veins in her husbands hands. She gets hysterical and starts hitting him and cursing him, saying you got some explaining to do mister.
The husband calmly says "ok, ok, I'll explain the vibrator if you can EXPLAIN THE THREE KIDS!!!!"
daughter. Their sex lives were the greatest - five nights a week they would make mad, wild, passionate love. The only problem was the husband had a complex about having to make love with all the lights on.
The wife decided one day that she was going to help him break out of this bad habit. She got all sexied up. The husband comes home and shortly after they are making mad, wild, and passionate love. Suddenly, the wife remembers that she is supposed to help him get over needing to make love in the dark and without losing a beat turns the light on. She looks between her legs and sees this huge humanlike vibrator with thick veins in her husbands hands. She gets hysterical and starts hitting him and cursing him, saying you got some explaining to do mister.
The husband calmly says "ok, ok, I'll explain the vibrator if you can EXPLAIN THE THREE KIDS!!!!"
DONT FELL OFFENDED OF THIS 
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarra** an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a p*u**yy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarra** an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a p*u**yy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars!
THE LIFE OF A DICK :IVE ONLY GOT 1 EYE MY HAIR IS A MESS MY RELATLVES R NUTS MY NEIGHBORS AN ASSHOLE AND MY BESTFRIEND IS A p*u**yY 
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