At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked,
very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the
ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink
penis.

While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the
artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this
painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the
black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink
penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The
three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went
home for lunch!"

Nice shoes, wanna f**k?
Pick a number between 1 and 10. You lose now take off your clothes.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?
That dress looks very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd becoming too!
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.

Dear U.S. Citizens, I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Thank You The Monument Committee

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND SOME FRIES." The librarian says, "This is a library." The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND FRIES.'' And the librarian says, one more time, ''But this is a library, miss!" The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a hamburger a coke and fries!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is buddy, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'm gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the movies and stare at the f**king floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya bitch?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f**king does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, f**kin' dumb ass?

---

There was a Rasta man sunbathing nude on the beach in Hellshire.

He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked,  "A Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in Spanish Town Hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The Rasta says, "Mi noh kno. I mon was lying on de beach,den dis likkle gal
asked me a question, den I mon....guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting
I man know is I mon deh ya."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her

"What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

After a pause, the girl replied, " me neva do nutten to him? Nutten at all.
Mi did a play wid him bird an it spit pon me.    So, mi bruk di neck, crack
di two egg dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch......

 

 16 TO 19 BRAND NEW. 20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED 29 TO 36 SECOND HAND 37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR 46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION 56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK 61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered
a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,
"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top,
and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready
to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

one day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the p*u**yy!

80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that gra** hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

THERE ARE 2 TYPES OF YOGA

THE INDIAN TYPE

THEN THE IRISH

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst jokes of all time about piano players. Nothing personal, you understand, since I am one. But a little comic relief laughing at ourselves is good for both our soul and our humility.

So without further ado, here are some of the all time worst piano jokes in descending order:

10. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric piano have in common.

Answer: Both suck when you plug them in.

9. What does a piano player dream about?

Answer: Sheet music.

8. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

Answer: A flat minor.

7. What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

6. How do you make a million dollars playing the piano?
Answer: Start with two million.

5. How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?

Answer: Shoot one.

4. Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?

Answer: Neither did I.

3. What's the difference between a piano and an onion?

Answer: No one cries when you chop up a piano.

2. What did the piano player get on his IQ test?

Answer: Drool.

1. What's the difference between a medium pizza and a piano player?

Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Pretty bad, eh?

I agree. Now let's all get back to our piano practicing.

PS: None of these lousy jokes are original with me -- they have been around for ages in many forms.

How do you confuse a blonde girl?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police. He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense. The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "Yuh neva did come to a complete stop, Says the Police. License an registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says. Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." That sounds fair. "Get yuh ************ outa de vehicle, sar", the Police says. At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the lawyer all over his body and asks, "Yuh waan me fe stop, or just slow down?"

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1129116456

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1207219725/Pool_Party

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1206708302/Karate_Champ

http://www.westindiantube.com/play-music.php?viewkey=d7d808f1d14a6e9c8280

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1206959582/Cliff_Jump

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=PfVZjbyzFGQ]


American Police...LOL

http://www.startvg.com/videos/pneuegger.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksbBMMd3oqA



-- Edited by Crazypickney at 10:31, 2007-12-19

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it)



2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic b****.

(Now that's more like it)



3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

(In my next life I want to be a pig)

(How'd they figure this out, and why?)



4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Still can't get over that pig thing)

(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)



5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)



6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmmmmm........)



7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)



8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)



9. Polar bears are left handed.

(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)



10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)



11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.

It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)



12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

(Creepy)



13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the....)

(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)



14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)



15. Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)



16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)



17. Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead p***y. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common

No more phone sex Dear Pastor I am living away and my boyfriend is living in another country. Every year we would meet in Jamaica. We started dating three years ago. He had a girlfriend but they broke up so he made it official with me. I found out a year ago that he got an African girl pregnant. I spoke with her and we argued. He told me he broke it off with her, but whenever I call she would pick up his phone. Now we argue so much about her and we have drifted apart. Pastor, he doesn't call me anymore and we used to have phone sex all the time. We practically lived on the phone. I have not heard from him in months and I can't get over him. I love him so much. I want him back but I don't know how I'm going to get through to him. I honestly don't know what went wrong. Please, Pastor, I am begging you, tell me what to do. M.S., Florida, USA Dear M.S., How can you say that you do not know what has gone wrong with this so-called boyfriend and yourself. He has got two women pregnant and the African woman is always answering his phone. You can do two things. You can try to hang on to him and be insulted day by day or you can walk away from this relationship that is not going anywhere. If you really have pride in yourself and think highly of yourself you would tell the man that you are not prepared to live as a mongrel so you are finished with him. Pastor.

Say your piece! If you've got an opinion, share it with the world on our Message Boards E-mail this story

A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was,
who should get custody of the child? The Empress jumped up and said,
'Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor.
She Should be in my custody
The judge turns to the dread and says, 'What do you have to say in the
matter?'
The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then
slowly rose and said, 'Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a
vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ... 'I and I' or
the machine?


-- Edited by dj kaplow at 21:59, 2008-04-04

You know you're having a bad day when you call your sweetheart,
tell him/her that you'd like to eat out tonight, and you get home to
find a sandwich on the front porch.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning '*lo**sucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

are you?

A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most
high-principled, sober, well-behaved local citizen. Among the entries came
one which read:

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and
never look at another woman. I am hard-working, quiet and obedient. I never
go to the Movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise
with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

"I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next
spring, when they let me out of here!".

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.Sixty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know yet son, I'm still paying."Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."Words to live by: Do not argue with a woman who is packing your parachute

A Jamaican and a Trinidadian, waiting at the pearly gate, strike up a conversation. How yu dead?" the Trinidadian man asked the Jamaican. "Me freeze to death man," says the Jamaican. "That's awful, how it feel fi freeze to death?" asked the Trinidadian. "Well bredda it very uncomfortable at first, when de cold jus lick yu, yu whole body start fi shake an' you get pain inna yu finga an' toe. But eventually, it a very calm way fi dead. Yu get numb an' den yu; jus drift off, like when yu' sleeping." "How yu dead man?" asked the Jamaican. "I have heart attack", says the Trinidadian. "Yu see, me did know say mi wife was cheating pon mi, so one day mi show up at home unexpectedly. Mi run up to de bedroom an' fine har alone, knitting. "Mi run down to de basement, but no one was hiding there. Mi run up to de second floor, but no one was hiding there either. Mi run as fast as mi could to de attic, an' just as mi get there, mi had a massive heart attack an' dead." The Jamaican man shakes his head. "That is so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the Trinidadian. "If yu did just look inna de rah-tid freezer, de two of we would still be alive!"

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Would you learn in schl?

Two deaf people get married.  During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
 

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.  "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?  For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.  If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea!  Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.  If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times!"

Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?  

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming 'OH GOD! I'M COMING'