Forum: Funny Stuff
I was trying to find my dressmaker, and asked someone on the street for directions.
This is what she told me:
Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady
wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf
a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop. Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.
(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and Miss
Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem
cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.
Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe. But
hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas. Him dont haf him licence
yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead
gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den
tun lef, and yu see de shop. It easy; yu caan miss it.
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catac**** - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catac****.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, Bullshit, that watch israel..
9. Undermine - Theres a fine lookin ho who live in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle, iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, You plan on stain for dinner?
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, how much? she say fortify.
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - GonnaScore-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms
Sex during hay fever season: spore-gasms
Sex with a cookie: oreo-gasms
Sex with a vegetarian: vege-gasms
Sex with a storyteller - lore-gasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the a bad actor = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.
''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''
''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
''Government.''
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him,
looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb. Left testicle, 3 lb. Right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, slapping his face and shaking him, Whats wrong with you?
In a very weak voice, the little guy says, Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?
The big guy says, I saw the curious look on your face and figured Id just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. Im 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 lb left testicle, 3lb right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says, Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around.
Bret declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked Bret if he would like something, a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks Bret if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like some succulent salmon and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe some rotisserie tofu or tasty stir fry?"
Bret declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
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"jumped outta gear"
ya...sure it did.....stupid!
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
| 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD! |
Yo Mama So Fat, NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
Yo Mama So Fat, she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her
Yo Mama So Fat, when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'
Yo Mama So Fat, she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and "OH MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"
Yo Mama So Fat, she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!
Yo Mama So Fat, evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a season of friends
Yo Mama So Fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.
Yo Mama So Fat, she's on Both sides of the family.
Yo Mama So Poor, she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
Yo Mama So Poor, when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
Yo Mama So Poor, when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
Yo Mama So Poor, she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
Yo Mama So Poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...
Yo Mama So Old, I told her to act her own age...and she died.
Yo Mama So Smelly, she made Right Guard call for backup.
Yo Mama So Ugly, she and her mirror plays hide and seek
Yo Mama So Dumb, she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.
Yo Mama So Stupid, she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her
pants
Yo Mama So Stupid, Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo Mama So Stupid, she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
Yo Mama So Stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo Mama So skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo Mama So Ugly, minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."
Yo Mama So Ugly, we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
Yo Mama So Ugly, when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
Yo Mama So Ugly, when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras
Yo Mama So Ugly, that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?
Yo Mama So Ugly, that Durex want to use her as a poster child
Yo Mama So Ugly, that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down
Yo Mama So stupid, I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...
Yo Mama So stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo Mama So stupid, she got locked in Super Plus and starved to death.
Yo Mama So stupid, she sold her Car for Petrol cash!
Yo Mama So stupid, she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.
Yo Mama So stupid, I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
Yo Mama So stupid, she invented a silent car alarm.
Yo Mama So stupid, she bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...
Yo Mama So stupid, she got tangled in a cordless telephone.
Yo Mama So stupid, she asked me what the number for 911 was...
Yo Mama So stupid, she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...
Dick Gregory apologizes to the first Black President
Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity (Madd)
Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity. 1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3.Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4.Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.' 5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6.In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds' 7.Finish All Your sentences with'In Accordance With The Prophecy.' 8.Don t use any punctuation 9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10.Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.' 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13.Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14.Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16.Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,Rock Bottom. 17.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!' 18.When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives,They're Loose!!' 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner.'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' |
stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it.
Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the
down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't
like it anymore.
She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you
to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!"
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
162) Wrap your whopper, then go bop her
163) Protect your cock with the sock.
164) Slip it on before you slip it in.
165) Don't leave it to God, cover your rod.
164) Do a good deed, don't spill your seed.
165) Tub that sub then rub her hub
166) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen
167) Dam your giver then fill her quiver
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. Your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a lot of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. You have no job satisfaction.
9. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
10. You are embarra**ed to tell people what you do for a living.
11. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
12. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
16. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
17. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
18. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
19. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
20. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
21. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
22. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."
23. Your client and pimp seem more concerned about how you look than what you know.
24. Your pimp doesn't care what you have to do to please the client.
25. Your pimp can't perform your job.
26. You're required to play roles for money.
27. Your customer doesn't always want others to know everything they request.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student inCatholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball. Want to buy it? My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Man: "Done."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Done."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and play catch"
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again, you're in my closet now."
"Does anyone know what this is?" she asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommys teeth!"
It has been brought to our attention that some individuals throughout our workplace have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f**king bitch.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f**k didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: f**k it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f**king job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f**k died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F**KED!!!
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and 1 woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks",
she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
most like to receive....
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron
1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and
hopefully likes to share. OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar
high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS
it means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and
appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. SEX
it means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to
express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR... You're a filthy degenerate
who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience
after another.
5. DINNER/DANCING
it means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the
romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR... You're easy to please
and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON
it means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can
actually use. OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen
appliances.
The poor gas station attendant was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
A teacher asksher class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot oneof them, how many will be left ?' She calls on little TONY.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little TONY says, 'I have a question for YOU.'
'Thereare 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicatelylicking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second isgobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off thetop of the ice cream. Which one is married ?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little TONY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father ?
'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' ' I said '6', replies TONY.
'But that's right !' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2 ?'
'What's the f**king difference ?' asks the father.
'That's what I said !'
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
LittleTONY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learnmulti-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of amulti-syllable word ?'
TONY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful.'
Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
LittleTONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go tothe bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!'
Theteacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in thissituation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please usethe word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you togo.'
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !'
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Oneday, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show ofhands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the samesentence twice.
First,she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought mymother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael !' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful !''
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
Afterthe 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you knoweating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rotyour teeth, and make you fat.'
Little TONY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?'
Little TONY answered, 'No, he minded his own f**king business.''
10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer
* 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
* 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
* 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
* 5. The password is "Bubba".
* 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
* 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
* 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
* 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
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