An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a
U.S.A.Visa

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male & female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh.......... dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

So this guy walks into a doctor's office with a terrible speech impediment.
The doctor says "How can I help you?"
The responds "d-d-d-d-d-doctor I have th-th-th-th-this h-h-h-h-h-orrible sp-sp-speech impediment"
The doctor says, "Calm down, calm down. Take off your clothes and lie on that table. I will give you a physical and find the problem"
So the guy says "o-ok-ok-ok-okay doctor" and does so
The doctor gets done with the physical and says "Well I have found your problem. Your dick is too large, and it is weighing down your vocal cords causing you to have a speech impediment. I am going to have to cut your penis off and replace it with a smaller penis"
The guy says "w-w-w-w-ell doctor, d-d-d-d-d-do-do whatever you h-h-h-h-h-ave to"
So the doctor goes through with the surgery and tells the guy to come back in a couple weeks to see how things are going
So the guy comes back a couple weeks later and says
"Doctor, it's terrible. I can't talk to women anymore. I have no confidence. I suck in the bed all I want is my dick back"
And the doctor responds "f-f-f-f-f-f**k you"

-- Edited by badlinkz at 05:13, 2008-04-16

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=X8be3i-nJZ4]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=HnSWW7c24fA]


The static created from her sweater & the friction of the seat cause the fumes to ignite! fiyah!

-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 13:55, 2008-04-15

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zl0zjM7OqcM]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=paW_7ZNN-7A]

A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, 'Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?' His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, 'Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh madda if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then go ask yuh bradda if him would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then come back and tell me wha yu find out.' The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means. He asks his mother, 'Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, 'Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would.' Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,'Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His sister looks up and says, 'Cho! Him kinda old still but wid di amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!' Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, 'Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, 'Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh'. Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, 'Poopah mi tink mi figured it out. Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman.'

-- Edited by JamaicanShem at 23:02, 2008-04-14

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=_t-9JamoCF4]

One day a Policemanwas directing traffic at Half Way Tree and every minute this madmanrun up to him and say,'Officer wha time yu hav.'  So the policekeep running him and say 'yu naa go no weh so stop ask mi di time'

But the madmankeep on coming back so the Police get fed up and say 'ah 2:30 '. The madman then say to the Police 'when a 3 O'clock , come suck out mi B@tty'

The Police get vex and start run down the madmanwidim batten.  So di the madman lost him round a corner near Missa Chin shop.
So the Police ask Missa Chi n if him see a Madmanrun pass ya.

Missa Chin say 'no, but a wha him do yu?

Di Police say, 'him no see mi a direct traffic round so and come talk say mi fi come suck out im b@tty when 3 o'clock come'

Missa Chin look pan him watch and Say

'But no jus quataa to Three now, Wha happen, yu cyaan wait ??'

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=FsG0TIqPo_A]

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for "bly" for their cousin, sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie ... Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women.

They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".

Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying. The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because "dem ah no helper".

Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right overt heir hairstyles. Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy" Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing white shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want: to show off their "bandy legs"

Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keep ringing during prayers. Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only "checking" Eve. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man haffi hustle".

What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil.

The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. Have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... yesterday they just had air conditioning put in. Now they have just put out the hell's fire! saying "man come to hell to "cool out"!

My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston
based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both

applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the
department manager.


Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said,


"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the man from
Trinidad the job."


Ginnal asked, "Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine questions rite. Dis is
Jumaika, and me is Jumaikan, A me shudda get de wuk!"


The manager said, "We have made our decision, not on the correct answers,
but rather on the question that you both missed."


Ginnal asked, "An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer
betta dan de adda? "


The manager replied, "Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, 'I
don't know.' You put down, 'Me no know eeda.'"

-- Edited by owadkelly at 20:20, 2008-04-15

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in
New York , going to visit some relatives.
A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume.
She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio,
Beverly Hills , $120.00 an ounce."
The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.
Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift,
turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel
No.5, Paris , $200.00 an ounce"
The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the
c****ined perfumes.
One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she
quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly overpowers the c****ined
expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes.
As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says " Calaloo , Jamaica , $15
a bundle.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=0nqLBOKsljU]

Chinese eye test
THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!




If you cannot decipher anything, then try  pulling
the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.
It works
Too FUNNY not to pass on!

http://uniquepeek.com/viewpage.php?page_id=1752

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=G8hAqz56z0I]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
> hospital.
> > >
> > > While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
> > >
> > >
> > > Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
> > >
> > >
> > > God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
> > live.'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
> have a
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > face-lift, liposuction, breast
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
> change her
> > >
> > > hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more
> time to
> > >
> > > live,
> > >
> > >
> > > she figured she might as well make the most of it.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
> While
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
> ambulance.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I
> had
> > >
> > > another
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
> > >
> > > ambulance?'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > (You'll love this)
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > God replied: 'I didn't *lo**y recognize you.'

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=w_-KFuZPy9A]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ejjEningEkE]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=qDsMthdx3ig]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ced2yjcfNFQ]


you think she gone...but keep watching!! LOL

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=yl2h_tGZ_rk]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to
know.
> One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls
> Outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came
by.
> Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not
> Willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that
the
> Police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up
> for some.
> "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
> myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the
line.
> A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
all
> The prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and
> Exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do
it
> old girl?"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my
> Dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."
>
> The policeman fainted.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1207648407/Little_Kid_Pranks_His_Mom

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this
experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for
an hour.

When you
open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife
 'Ya know sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station.
  Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets.
 Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
 Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
 So from now on womon, when I say
 'Bell one', I want you to strip naked. When I say
 'Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I say
 'Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl.'
 The next night he came home and shouted:
 'Bell One!', and his wife stripped naked.
 'Bell Two!', and she jumped on the bed.
 'Bell Three!', and they started to make love.
  After a few minutes, the wife yelled out
 'Bell Four!'. 'WOMON... What da hell is 'Bell Four'?', he asked.
She replied 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!'

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, and was
> confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
> 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
> of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
> high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
>
> 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm BROKE! I haven't got any money!' She
> proceeded to close the door.
>
> Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
> it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at
> least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of
> horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not
> remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will
> personally eat the remainder.'
>
> The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well, I hope you've got a damn good
> appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
> BROKE don't you understand?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KRDBp6P0eY

Ever Wondered what if would be like if Dear Abby was a man?
 
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my bestfriend and me.
 
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that
there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -
your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved
too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with
your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform
oral on him.
 
 
 
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
 
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow
to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to
perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.
 
 
 
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
 
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with
other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress
relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!).
Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his
stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral on him.
 
 
 
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
 
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to
help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and
present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your
selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.
 
 
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to
sleep never giving me one.
 
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.
 
 
 
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
 
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests
for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as
much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the
mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by
performing oral on him.

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'



' No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'



After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an uncle


Paul.'



'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'



Brief Pause.


'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the


table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door a nd shout to Mommy


that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'



'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it,


Daddy .'



'And what happened, honey?' he asked.



'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and


ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the


dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'



'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'



'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and


he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess


he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit


the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'



Long Pause



Longer Pause



Even Longer Pause



Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?'


'No, I think you have the wrong number......'



HAVE A GREAT DAY!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked St. Peter, "Wah dem clock deh fah?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clocks. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh, OK", said the man.

"So who fah clock dat?" he asked pointing to a gold clock on the wall. "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Eh heh?", said the man. "And who fah clock is dat one?" he asked again, pointing to a huge silver clock on the wall. St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"So whey the clock dem of some Jamaican politician dey?" asked the man. "Those? They're using them in hell as ceiling fans."

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE - NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?" "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?" To which he replied "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A married couple were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this
and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last
minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot
for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked
out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful
woman strolling alongside the water just a little further
down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if
she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went
back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman
was standing right over him. They started talking and
she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending
the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning
he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down
the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped
the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing
in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he
looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come
on guys, we're almost there!!"

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f**king nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives.

A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume.

She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce."

The old lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.

Another young, beautiful, expensive-smelling woman enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce"

The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the c****ined perfumes.

One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent fart, which quickly overpowers the c****ined expensive perfumes and leaves the other two women with watery eyes.

As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Calaloo, Jamaica, $40 a bunch" 
   

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a
bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some. STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. *** ************************************************************ A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny--dipping in his pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm Just here to feed the...alligator."



Moral:.... Old men can still think fast.

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

What's the definition of disgusting?
Your giving your grandmother a kiss and she slips her tongue in.

What's the definition of weird?
Your having sex with a pregnant woman and something grabs your dick.

What's the defintion of suspicious?
Two men walk out of the toilet, one's zipping up his pants and the
other is licking his lips.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being hara**ed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=overcrowded_train.flv

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra. As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom." "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!" When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get your clothes off!" Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..", "Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!" "and do a handstand..." "Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages," thinks Louise... Al walks over to Louise parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch... "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!"

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=hzUSeChDepw]

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1121090941