Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
Too bad there aren't more couches like this in Iraq.. 
Little boy screams like Michael Jackson is coming through his window.
Butt Dust What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six"
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read :
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six"
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read :
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"
Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final b****shell. "Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says
his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final b****shell. "Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says
his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
The real reason why we grind our teeth
in our sleep?
And then you wonder why you have a
bad taste in your mouth in the morning!
in our sleep?
And then you wonder why you have a
bad taste in your mouth in the morning!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
JAMAICAN MAN WENT O KPH THIS IS WHAT U CALL JOKE CHECK IT OUT
April 27, 2008
Started By Junior_J1 — 10 Comments
Jamaican Man at KPH
A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.
Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?
Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.
Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt
Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.
A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.
Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?
Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.
Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt
Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
ThePriest coughs a few times to get hisattention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
ThePriest coughs a few times to get hisattention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
More things not to say - To parents while in College
November 21, 2007
Started By bLaCkBeatZ — 20 Comments
Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College...
* Are you saying that I'm not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?
* Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?
* I'm converting!
* I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...hello? hello, anyone there?
* I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscience.
* Who are you again?
* Mom, you too can be saved.
* I need more money for my gambling ring.
* Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.
* Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean a lot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I- my, my heart.. I can't bre-
* From now on, you'll call me Mohammed.
* I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.
* Is it possible to get a 12-year old girl pregnant?
* Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well...
* This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids and - um, forget what I just said.
* And I joined the Republican party!
* I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Click)
* Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.
* When are you coming to visit! I really want to see you!
WHEN A JAPANESE FRAID DEM FRAID YUH NUH DWLLLLLLLLLL
April 23, 2008
Started By mrs kalongi — 27 Comments
YOW DIS FUNNY NUH HELLLLLLLL
-- Edited by BABY at 11:15, 2008-04-23
-- Edited by BABY at 11:18, 2008-04-23
-- Edited by BABY at 22:11, 2008-04-26
-- Edited by BABY at 11:15, 2008-04-23
-- Edited by BABY at 11:18, 2008-04-23
-- Edited by BABY at 22:11, 2008-04-26
An elderly bajan man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
> impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite flying fish
> and breadfruit wafting up the stairs.
>
> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
> Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
>
> Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where
> if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
> for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of
> his favorite flying fish and breadfruit.
>
> Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
> seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
>
> He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
> posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the flying fish and
> breadfruit was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to
> the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by
> his wife.
>
> ' Ya making sport? Move ya'self!' she said. ' Dem is for de funeral.
> impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite flying fish
> and breadfruit wafting up the stairs.
>
> He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
> Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
>
> Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where
> if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
> for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of
> his favorite flying fish and breadfruit.
>
> Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
> seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
>
> He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
> posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the flying fish and
> breadfruit was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to
> the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by
> his wife.
>
> ' Ya making sport? Move ya'self!' she said. ' Dem is for de funeral.
Who is the ugliest
Four jamaicans got into a taxi in Trinidad.
The taxi driver says 'I can only take three, the
ugliest one has to get out!'
One of the Jamaicans replied, 'So who going to
drive then!?!'
1-2........Alicia Silverstone
3-4........Cameron Diaz
5-6........Britney Spears
7-8........Christina Ricci
9-10.......Drew Barrymore
11-12.....Pamela Anderson
-- Edited by Gucci at 21:02, 2008-04-23
-- Edited by Gucci at 14:03, 2008-04-25
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking
down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his
pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why
is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this ..)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking
down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his
pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why
is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this ..)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Jamaican Messaging & Texting Slang
 |
TWY = Tek Weh Yuself
XA = X Amount
AO = Alms Ouse
BPT = Back Pon Top
BOAL = Buss Out A Laff
BOABDL = Buss Out A Big Dutty Laff
CAS = Crack A Smile
DWL = Dead Wid Laff
DWLAPUMS = Dead Wid Laff And Peepee Up Mi Self
FR = Fi Real
KMN = Kiss Mi Neckback
KYAWO = Kut Yeye And Wheel Out
LIH = Lick Innu Head
LM = Likkle More
MPD = Mad People Dem
MYODB = Mine Yuh Own Dyamn Biznezz
NR = Nuff Respect
WEN U HAVE BEEF
call me
WEN U NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO
call me
WEN U NEED A HUG
call me
WEN U NEED TO GOSSIP
call me
WEN U NEED MONEY
da numba u have called has not been recognised...please DONT call back later.
call me
WEN U NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO
call me
WEN U NEED A HUG
call me
WEN U NEED TO GOSSIP
call me
WEN U NEED MONEY
da numba u have called has not been recognised...please DONT call back later.
check dis accident ... 
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ugrlzm7fySE]
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 10:51, 2008-04-29
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ugrlzm7fySE]
-- Edited by Crazypickney at 10:51, 2008-04-29
http://www.sexy-lena.com/?uid=218559
Top Gear: Peugeot 207 vs Parkour (Free-Runners) (MAAAAD!)
April 29, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 0 Comments
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/1332/Two+Minutes+Of+Pain/
A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.
Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?
Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.
Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt
Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.
Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?
Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.
Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt
Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.
Who The Ugliest?
|
The taxi driver says "I can only take three, the ugliest one has to get out!"
One of the Jamaicans replied, "So who going to drive then!?!"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further, and people started going back to their farms and normal lives. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought back all the monkeys.
After that day they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again. Only monkeys everywhere!
Hopefully you now have a better understanding of how Cash Plus works :)
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further, and people started going back to their farms and normal lives. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought back all the monkeys.
After that day they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again. Only monkeys everywhere!
Hopefully you now have a better understanding of how Cash Plus works :)
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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