Enjoy this beautiful photo gallery of city lights across the Globe. From Jamaica, to the U.S., Europe, Australia and Africa. New York City, USA London, UK Paris, France Sydney, Australia Cairo, Egypt Kingston, Jamaica Sorry, Light gone again as usual!

• Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
• The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
• Parties: Going Without New Outfits
• Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
• Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
• Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
• Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
• Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
• Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
• Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
• Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
• Introduction to Parking
• Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
• Water Retention: Fact or Fat
• Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
• Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
• PMS: Your Problem... Not His
• Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
• TV Remotes: For Men Only

Girls fighting for money, car , leadership dicks and many more.. this video was mix down by me Youngcent ...

Dear Customaz:
It look like dem mek mistake an ship out couple a copies a WINDOWS VISTA YARDIE VERSION somewhere inna Idaho. If you good ole country folks in Idaho need a translatian fi di commaan dem, ere dem is:

When yuh open di Yardie edition yuh wi si di opening screen. It reads: "WINDAS VISTA", wit a background picture of Halfway Tree Square.

When yuh start di program yuh wi hear di bad bwoy antem: "Murda-ra *lo** deh pan yuh shoulda" By Buju Banton".

Please also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled "General penitentiary"
My Computer is called "A Fimi Own"
The Inbox is referred to as "Barrel come"
Deleted Items are referred to as "Gaan, Rub out, Yuh Salt"
Dial up Networking is called "Ring mi Cellie"
Control Panel is known as the "Babylon"
Hard Drive is referred to as "Reema an Jungle"
Instead of an error message, "Ediat! Yuh know weh yuh a do?" pops up.
Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "Smuggling not allowed unless part of the Govament"

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA YAADIE EDITION:
OK.............Cool Noh
Cancel.........No badda yaw man
Reset..........Rewine
Yes............Irie
No.............No sah
Find...........Look fi it
Browse.........Faas
Back...........Tun roun
Help...........(this is not a feature ... Jamaicans know it all an doan need noh help)
Stop...........Dun now
Start..........Gwan troo
Settings.......Di set up

Also note dat keyboard noh of di YARDIE EDITION no have di letter "H." Wi doan use dat in wi vocabulary So dis is how yuh mus type certain "H" words:

Help.........Elp
Horrible?....Arrible
Hart ??? ....Art
Heavy ??.....Eby
Honda??......Unda
Handkerchif..Kerchief
Holiday......Alliday

Five minutes: This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the fiveminutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something, and you should be on your toes.Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine. Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine. Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or Do what you want, because I don't care.  You will get a raised eyebrow Go ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off. <Loud Sigh>: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbalstatement very misunderstood by men.  A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing. <Soft Sigh>: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand.  She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example:  "Oh, let me get that."  Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says Oh before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is Fine when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. Oh, as the lead to a sentence, usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows Go ahead followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow Go ahead.  At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. Please Do: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.  You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn't get a That's Okay. Thanks: A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint; just say you're welcome. "Thanks a lot": This is much different from Thanks.  A woman will say, Thanks a lot when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

A hippie sits next to a nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her, she said "NO! i am married to god!!" and gets off the bus disgusted. The bus driver said "she prays every tuesday night at midnight in the grave yard, why don't you dress up in a hooded robe go to the grave yard tell her you are god and demand sex?" The hippie tries this and to his surprise the nun said "yes but only if we have anal sex as i want to keep my virginity" They have passionate bum sex and when they are done the hippie throws off his robe and cries" ha ha" I'm the hippie! The nun cries out "ha ha" i'm the bus driver

Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.

Only in Jamaica, youll have police cars parked at rum bars.

Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.

Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem skin wid toothpaste.

Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem operation and report warden to dem posse.

Only in Jamaica, bad boy hole up police station fi get back him bag a Ganja.

Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell yuh bout yuh bakside and there is nobody to report them to.

Only in Jamaica, when you go to a restaurant, the waiter tells you hold on so he can watch the football game.

Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German Shepherd guard dog.

Only in Jamaica, country people a carry wood and water pon dem head, and have a cell phonepon dem waist.

Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.

Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody elses side of the road fi drive pon till yours get better.

Only in Jamaica, the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get.

Only in Jamaica, S.U.V. caan pass road test.

Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.

Only in Jamaica, the Gulf War still affect gas price.

Only in Jamaica, can a tief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more money the next time.

Only in Jamaica, Police go to arrest a tief and dont have a handcuff.

Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing the same seat.

Only in Jamaica, police are afraid of criminals.

Only in Jamaica, is the greatest tourist attraction, a Rent-a-Dread.

Only in Jamaica, can the forecast look gloomy for the following day and the Prime Minister makes it a national holiday.

Only in Jamaica, can Ganja be the best form of agriculture in the country.

Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.

Only in Jamaica, does everyone drive a deportee car and the less fortunate a Lada.

Only in Kingston, traffic is so bad dat you can reach work quicker walking dan driving.

Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.

Only in Jamaica, firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water fi put out di fire.

You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a Christian.

Yuh have pothole so big when yuh drop in, yuh caan come out.

You know you are in JA when someone is wearing a bubble jacket because dem waan ina di lick

You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called a bashment.

You know you are in Jamaica when it is 96 degrees and you need no shade

Once upon a time every Jcan come from Kingston, now dem seem to come from
everywhere but Kingston.

Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace of mind and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at the same time.

Jamaica, Jamaica, Jamaica land we love

Dancin Granny

[video=http://videos-1/zumbate-bromas/B6p-Nm0yzs8?broma-en-el-zoologico]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUgbfBKIFpo

O . . . EMMM . . . GEEE!!!!! WE GUESS YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BE RATCHET . . . CHECK OUT THIS GIRL AND HER GRANNY ACTING A FOOL!!!

-- Edited by KrYsIs on Sunday 27th of June 2010 03:59:16 AM

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman &they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher & wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken& lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message & gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken & unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...   (Please scroll down.) What were you  thinking? Her husband speaks English!

A who let out dem animal yaaa outta di zoo??

A Movado dat inna a frack????

It's the video we have all been waiting for...Eva Mendes sex tape! With almost every gossip outlet reporting the premiere of the video today you can always rely on MEDIAZONEJA to have it first! At first glance it may seem as though the 36 year old actress is following in the footsteps of others such a Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian but boy are you wrong. This may be one of the best sex tapes to date. With the cool night vision camera the viewer gets to see Eva in a way one could have only dreamed of.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH VIDEO!!

-- Edited by KrYsIs on Tuesday 3rd of August 2010 07:55:11 PM

By Louise Bennett (Miss Lou)

Once upon a time, Anancy tink to himself seh dat if him coulda collect up all de common-sense ina de worl an keep it fi himself, den him boun to get plenty money an plenty powah, for everybody woulda haffi come to him wid dem worries an him woulda charge dem very dear wen him advise them.

Anacy start fi collect up and collect up all de common-sense him could a fine an put dem inna one big-bag calabash. When him search an search an couldn't fine no more common-sense Anacy decide fi hide him calabash full a common-sense pon de top of a high-high tree which part nobody coulda reach it.

So Anancy tie a rope round de neck a de calabash an tie de two end a de rope togedda, an tie de rope roun him neck so dat de calabash wasa res pon him belly. Anancy start fi climb up de high-high tree, which part him was gwine hide de calabash, but him couldn't climb too good nor too fas for de calabash wasa get in him way everytime him try fi climb.

Anancy try an try so till all of a sudden him hear a voice buss out a laugh backa him, an wen him look him see a lickle bwoy a stan up a de tree root an a laugh an halla seh, "What a fool-fool man! If yuh want to climb a tree front ways, why yuh don't put de calabash behine yuh?"

Well sah, Anancy soh bext fi hear dat big piece a common-sense come outa de mout a such a lickle bit a bwoy afta him did tink dat him collect all de common-sense in de worl, dat Anancy grab off de calabash from roun him neck an fling it dung a tree root, an de calabash bruck up in minces an de common-sense dem scatter out ina de breeze all ovah de worl an everybody get a lickle bit a common-sense.

Is Anancy mek it.
Jack Mandora, me nuh choose none.

Only a true Jamaican or someone who has spent a lot of time around Jamaicans or studying Jamaica would be able to complete these popular Jamaican proverbs. Try your hand, see if you can fill in the blanks (Answers at the bottom).

1. "One, one coco ____ basket" 

2. "Every mikkle ____ a mukkle" 

3. "Wat doan ____, will fatten" 

4. "Chicken merry, _____ deh near" 

5. "Every dawg has his day and every p**s his ___ o'clock" and c**k mouth ____ c**k 

6. "Wanti, wanti, cyan getti, getti, getti nuh _____" Also "silent rivah run deep" and "No mug no bruk, no coffee nuh dash wey"

7. "Sorry fi mawga dog, mawga dog wi tun round and ____ you" 

8. "Duppy know ___ fi frighten"

9. "See mi a one thing, come lib with me ________" 

10. "De olda de clock, de ______ it wine" 

11. "When coco ripe, it mus ____" 

12. "Hog say, 'de first dutty water mi ______, mi wash'." 

13. "One eye man king in ______ man country". 

14. "Fool-fool pickney mek fowl _____ away from him two time" 

15. "Nuh fatten c**kroach fi _____" 

16. "Saltfish sit down pon di _______ a wait fi bread and butter" 

17. "Mi old, but mi nuh _____" 

18. "Disobedient pickney _____ rockstone" 

19. "Dawg say if him have money him would buy him own ______"

20. "Talk and ______ your tongue"

ANSWERS TO FOLLOW.....

Granny did sey **** is a very powerful word. Never you forget a word as important as **** and its many **** uses! 1. **** is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement ... tekki back ****! Gimme back ****! 2. **** can be used in biology eg..... Look pan di gal ****! 3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles .... cover yu ****! 4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances .... me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ****! move yu **** from me, ****! 5. It can describe extreme pain .... it hot nuh ****! me granny gi me some **** licks! 6. It can describe size ..... yuh foot dem big nuh ****! him have a **** mouth deh! 7. As you can see **** is an all-purpose Jamaican word. You can use it as often as yu **** feel! Greeting ...... How de **** yu do? Fraud ......... Yu too **** tief! Dismay ........ ****! Trouble ....... Oh ****! Aggression .... Watch yu **** self! Disgust ....... Cho ****! Confusion ..... Wha di **** a gwaan! Incompetence .. A wha di **** yu a do .... ****-idiot! Lost .......... Whe di **** we deh! Pleasure ...... it nice nuh ****! Retaliation ... Yu ****-c**t... And of course . kiss mi ****! Me done to ****!! NOW ..... Stop waste time pon di Internet and go do di **** people dem work!!

-- Edited by *~*Linkz Diva Appz*~* on Monday 2nd of August 2010 08:28:20 PM

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..*

1. Hotel I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum I had two Cadillacs, but my b!$%h rectum both.

6. Disappointment My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, Bull%&%*, that watch israel..

9. Undermine Theres a fine lookin ho who live in the apartment  undermine.

10. Acoustic When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle, iraq, you break.

12. Stain My momma in law stopped by and I axed her, You plan on  stain for dinner?

13. Fortify I axed this ho on da street, how much? she  say fortify.

14. Income I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

... Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... p**s an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. c**k no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel

... Yuh free paper soon burn

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far

The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi

Ah Him ah remind mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teeth.

Ah Him ah remind mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Him ah stap mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem, so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an' tun' all misupervisor dem inna some duppy so mi no haffi go ah prison, an' live mongst ah bag ah *****man or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behind mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah old body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hardworking self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi, an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check (but yu simi, a check woulda help out some time).

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday.

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time ... So Tank Yuh Lord

This is a real job classified listing that was posted via email seeking "qualified" Jamaican Patois (Patwa) linguists to provide "professional translation services" on contracts for the Federal/State Government in the St. Louis, MO area of the U.S. Check out the complete notice below:


If you know of any Jamaican-Patois speakers who are in need of some immediate short term/short notice work, please let me know ASAP. 

Invizion Inc. is a government contractor with international presence that provides Physical Security, Training, Language Services, and related services to US Government clients. 

We are seeking qualified Spanish and Jamaican Patois (Patwa)linguists to provide professional translation services on contracts we perform for the Federal/State Government in the St. Louis, MO area. We currently have openings in St. Louis, MO and were hoping you'd be interested in exploring the translation field. The current salary for Linguists is $20 - $30.00 per hour. 
We are planning a recruitment effort, Testing/Orientation on April 3, 2009. We will pay for transportation to St Louis, lodging and daily per diem.
Our Job Requirements are as follows: 

1. Fluent Spanish or Jamaican Patois (Patwa) Speakers with an excellent command of the English Language; 

2. MO Area Resident (not required but desired); 

3. US Citizen or Legal Resident; 

4. In good credit standing; 

5. No prior criminal record, to include immediate family members; 

6. Capable of Acquiring a Government Security Clearance, or possess existing US Governmentsecurity clearance (preferred); 

7. Residency Requirement for 3 consecutive years in the United States. 

If you meet these requirements and are interested please forward resume to:
rick.goodman@invizion.com (tel - 703-677-1990 )

Invizion is an Equal Opportunity Employer. EEO/AA M/F/D/V

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Mama, s'maddy nyam me porridge!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his bowl, and it is also empty.
"A who eat mi porridge?!!" he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells at the top of her voice, "Ah me get up first and wake up evrybody else ina de house. A me mek de tea. A me wash up di dish dem and put weh everyting. A me go out inna de cold morning air an get de newspaper. A me set de table. A me feed di dawg dem. An a now unuh decide fe drag oono sorry bear-ass downstairs and grace mi kitchen wid unuh grumpy self! Well mek mi tell oonu dis once an far all ... MI NUH MEK DE **** PARRIDGE YET!!"

Two Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham bush!"

1. Ant follow fat, fat drown ant (Shows the negative effect of greed)  2. Bad ting no hab owner (No one ever owns up to a bad deed) 3. You nebber see empty bag tan up (If you are hungry you cannot work) 4. No put youself in a barrel when match-box can hol' you (Do not pretend to be more important than you are) 5. De Lard gib beard a them who no hab chin fe wear i (Some people have advantages that they cannot make use of) 6. Wha sweet a mout sometime hot a belly (First impressions are often wrong) 7. Big blanket mek man sleep late (Luxury encourages idleness) 8. Dry tump a cane-piece no fe laugh when cane piece ketch fire (Don't laugh at others' trouble: you yourself may suffer) 9. Bad name nebber kill darg (Never mind the scandal of this world) 10. When six yeye meet 'tory done (The intervention of a third person stops many a story) 11. Black fowl no fe you, you call him John Crow (You belittle what is not yours) 12. When herrin mauger, him bone show (Evil deeds will reveal themselves) 13. Ebery John Crow tink him pickney white (What is one's own is always the best) 14. Me lub pickney but me no nyam wid dem (Familiarity breeds contempt)

-- Edited by LaDy J on Sunday 21st of February 2010 08:48:38 AM

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The womans husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."


The man says, "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a baseball."


Man - "Thats nice."


Boy - "Want to buy it?"


Man - "No, thanks."


Boy - "My dads outside."


Man - "OK, how much?"


Boy - "$150"


Man - "Sold."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.


Boy - "Dark in here."


Man - "Yes, it is."


Boy - "I have a Wilson infielders glove."


The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"


Boy - "$350"


Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, lets go outside and have a game of catch."


The boy says, "I cant, I sold my ball and my glove."


The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"


The boy says, "$500"


The father says, "Thats terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.


Im going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."


The priest says, "Dont start that %&%* again, youre in my closet now

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, Im off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Maam", he said, "Ive come to...

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embar****ed, "Ive been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, thats good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well thats what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didnt work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Maam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results."

"My, thats a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith .

"Maam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. Id love to be In and out in five minutes, but Im sure youd be disappointed with that."

"Dont I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith .

"Yes, Im afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"Its true, Maam, yes.. Well, if youre ready, Ill set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Maam. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. Its much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgxAPIfaSzc




she sound like lauren dont it?

-- Edited by tassie on Saturday 26th of September 2009 12:28:59 PM

-- Edited by Heartless, british (Mod) on Saturday 26th of September 2009 12:30:23 PM

-- Edited by +0p$h0++@ (Mod) on Saturday 26th of September 2009 12:39:27 PM