A Jamaican driving in his brand new BMW Z8 pulls over to take a leak. A truck speeding down the street crashes into his door just as he's about to come out of his car, sending it flying off the hinges. Enraged, he uses his cell phone to call 911.

When the police arrives he explains what happened:
'Star, di man jus come lick off de door a mi bimmer!! Mi car write off to ra**!!'
The police, after surveying the scene shakes his head in amazement and says,
'You Jamaicans are so materialistic. You're so into the damage of your car door that you didn't even realize that your hand is still attached to it!!'
The guy, finally realizing this, looks at his amputated hand and screams out,
'Blo*o*dclaat!! Mi rolex!!!'

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children

and so was all mankind made.

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which
the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and

Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

This cute kitten is now emotionally paralyzed after being in the shower with its owner.

a wild animal dem check ou di one in a di black. b*m**oclaat

Sometime in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the Devil. 

'You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.' 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. 

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell. 

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long.' 

The devil led him to the next room. 

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George. 

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

 

 

 

The devil smiled and said... 'Monica, you're free to go!'

-- Edited by RiddimRyder at 10:23, 2008-05-01

Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

I'm a bad bad photobooth...I'ma naughty photo booth

One day a lady walks into a pet store to buy her boyfriend a birthday present. She tells the owner, "I want to get my boyfriend a pet, but I only have $20. What do you have for that?"

The owner says, "Hmm. I only have pedigree animals here, but I think I have something in back," and he goes back and comes out with a bullfrog. He says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog, this bullfrog gives blowjobs."

Thinking the frog could save her a little work around the house, the lady said, "I'll take it."

She takes it home and gives it to her boyfriend, who is less than thrilled. She smiles and says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog - I'm going to leave you two alone and let you get to know each other."

About 45 minutes later, the lady hears pots and pans banging around in the kitchen, she runs in and yells, "What the hell is going on around here!?"

The man looks up from a cookbook and says, "If I can teach this frog how to
cook you're outta here."

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Little Johnny comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that Little Johnny is in there already.

Little Johnny says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Little Johnny -
'I have a baseball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'
Little Johnny - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Little Johnny - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Little Johnny - '$250'

In the next few weeks, i t happens again that Little Johnny and the lover are
in the closet together.

Little Johnny - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Little Johnny - 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks Little Johnny, 'How much ?'

Little Johnny - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the father says to Little Johnny, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

Little Johnny says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The father
asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Little Johnny -'$1,000.'
The father says, 'That 's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that..that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes Little Johnny sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

Little Johnny says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit
again; you're in my closet now.

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 23:49, 2008-04-29

-- Edited by alligcold at 21:31, 2008-05-03

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
>
>
>
> She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
>
>
>
> The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant
> you three wishes.'
>
>
>
> The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed
> to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
>
>
>
> Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
>
>
>
> The woman said, 'That's okay.'
>
>
>
> For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
> world.
>
>
>
> The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your
> husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
> flock to'.
>
>
>
> The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
> Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
>
>
>
> So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
>
>
>
> For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
>
>
>
> The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the
> world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
>
>
>
> The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
> is mine.'
>
>
>
> So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
>
>
>
> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd
> like a mild heart attack.'
>
>
>
> Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
>
>
>
> Attention female readers :
> This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling
> good.
>
>
>
> Male readers :
> Please scroll down.
>
>
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
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> ...
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> ...
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> ...
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> ....
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> ...
>
> The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
>
>
>
> Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
> smart.
>
>
>
>
>
> Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
>
>
>
> PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
> that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on,

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing th ere at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! During the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and Ican no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that herchili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning mylips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

---

This video is mislabeled as "stupid, amercian coppers"  however...its Metro cops.

Thank you sign! Without you I would have no idea what lay ahead.

lol..found these and thought dem kinda funny still...

http://www.scribd.com/doc/8322/Check-out-this-toilet


this is really wierd

-- Edited by wikaman at 19:14, 2008-04-30 if one dont work use the other

-- Edited by wikaman at 19:16, 2008-04-30