Found this some where on the internet and thought I would share..... 1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" 3) "How come it's so BIG in there?" 4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?" 5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?" 6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" 7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!" 8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!" 9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." 10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?" 11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow." 12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant." 13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" 14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" 15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!" 16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...." 17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?" 18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.

a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your p*u**yy is tighter than your sister's"

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! Youre not going totocut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nopeyou are. Im just going to set the garage on fire."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have." ''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited. ''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies. So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who f**ks the stork?"

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.

Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."

Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the teacher asked why.

Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, please take pity.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of the year and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Suddenly a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and
said, "Never mind. I found one."

Subject: Check out dis Jamaican

A Jamaican is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread, butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Trini: 'You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??'

Jamaican: (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In Trinidad , we only eats what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans.' The Trini has a smirk on his face.

The Jamaican listens in silence.

The Trini persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'

The Jamaican: 'Of course.'

Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the Jamaicans.'

The Jamaican then asks: 'Do you have sex in Trinidad ?' Yes smile awhile

Trini: 'Why of course we do', the Trini says with a big smirk.

Jamaican: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Trini: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Jamaican: 'We don't. In Jamaica , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to Trinidad .'

-- Edited by dimmit at 21:47, 2008-05-17

Nobody Steals My Food And Gets Away With It

One day bigboy go a school an di teacher say
everybaddy fi draw sup n
So when di teacha luk pan everybaddy drawing
Di teacha seh good good
Den when it reach to bigboy him come up an di teacha dey dey a luuk pan di paypa an seh
but bigboy mi no see nutn me ongle see waan likkle dat.
So hair bigboy him now yes teacha es a plane but it dey far out u caaan seet

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar." The man asks, "What are the tasks?" "First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit. Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out. Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender. "Damn." says the man. Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in." He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold. The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, "Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."

SHIT IS SCAREY

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=4p5ESBzvtFU]

 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his Sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying
 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more a fter a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clearas a bell he heard,   'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
' Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=-Bgc67rf26I]

http://www.5min.com/Video/How-to-scare-people-on-the-road-9926

The Church Squirrels
There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do! about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.. In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday, and Easter. Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

 
Duno if dis post yet ... but it funny nuh ra** ...

http://www.westindiantube.com/play-music.php?viewkey=d7d808f1d14a6e9c8280

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchor the boat and began to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "good morning ma'am. What are you doing?" "reading a book," she replies (thinkin, isnt that obvious?) "You are in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer but i am not fishing. I'm reading." Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all i know you can start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "but i haven't even touch you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "have a nice day ma'am," he said and left.

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

 A Real Watch Dog       

  A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so    they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source    of income.        The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he    would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or    problems.        A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all    the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to    ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She    went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too    much!"        He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a    minute and ran to ask her husband how much.        The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the    client.        He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants    and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that    the man was really well hung.        She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner    again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"        The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"    

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!'  

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush supporters.

Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry supporter. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter."

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy.

The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"

The blonde said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though

A man wife left him, so him decided to commit suicide.He went up in to tree over a river and jump off.but him body weight snap the limb and he fell in river.him swim out fast and run to his community and told everybody that."a lucky thing sey mi couldnt swim or else mi woulda dead!!

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''