Forum: Funny Stuff
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!
Two Faces of squidward- Best Ever Episode of Spongebob
Dear Pastor,
I am a 35-year-old mother of seven children and I have been married for three years to a British native. All my children have different fathers, but my problem is that I recently found out that I am pregnant and I don't know who is the father of my unborn child. I have been cheating on my husband with about 12 men. The men include all my children's fathers, my husband's father, my two sisters' husbands, the gardener and the pastor at church. I don't know what my problem is, but I can't stop cheating.
Help me, please, pastor!!
W., Jamaica
Dear W.,
May I suggest that you make an appointment to see a psychologist. Without a doubt you have serious problems. You couldn't be proud of yourself at all. I further suggest that you ask everybody you meet to pray for you. Don't tell them your problem; just tell them that you have an unspoken request. You need a spiritual transformation. Read your Bible and pray everyday and go to church.
Pastorrace appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they
had children and so was all mankind made.'Two days later the girl asked her mother the same
question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were
monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?
The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother
told you about hers.'
Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.
The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?! Whoa! Dont yell! the blonde on the ladder explained, If its pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!
The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, Dont throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! Theyre for the other side of the house! Duh!
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address, social security
number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 21:31, 2008-05-20
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud
noise came from outside. The woman, sort of
bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at
the man 'Holy Shit, That must be my husband!'
naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a
thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he
could to his car. A few minutes later he returned,
running, you Son of a Bitch'?
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 21:46, 2008-05-20
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...
The little boy asks his father, Daddy, what are they doing?
The father says, âMaking a puppy.â So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, Daddy, what are you doing?
The father replies, Making a baby.
The little boy says, Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy.
A horny husband was helping his wife set up a password for a computer. He typed in MY PENIS. Wife fell off the chair laughing when it said not long enough.
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him."
Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her."
He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
-- Edited by jamaicabwoy at 23:12, 2008-05-11
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
funny shit George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, June 28th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
A man has 4 different
types of girls..
color=#ff0000>
1. Wifey
2. Baby Girl
3. Side Piece
4. Jump Off
color=#cc0000>1) Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most
respected of all the women. She is loved, needed and wanted by her
man...she is VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE. She is the girl that the guy loves
and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man...BUT he
will cheat on her with Baby Girl until he is mature enough to realize that
if
he gets caught or fcks up in any way and loses Wifey, he would
be screwed, and NEVER be happy again. Wifey gets along with mom, is
independent, never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man, can cook and
loves to keep a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a
day. Drawback of Wifey, she loves public displays of affection...
which might intefere with the acquisition of a Side Piece.
2) Baby Girl is ALWAYS
just as hot as wifey and usually has a very active social life...she IS
replaceable, thinks she's the next Wifey, but will only be Wifey if an
extreme disaster takes place. Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey,
like quality time
every now and then and even presents on birthdays and
holidays, but thats as far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is
incase Wife really really fcks up, she can be replaced in a matter of
weeks because Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into her
spot. Be careful of Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached as Wifey
and therefore can be dangerous to the Side Piece. Biggest
benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely private and hates causing a scene,
baby girl can come into the same restaurant as you and wifey, and wifey
will have no idea you two even know each other. Baby Girl is a master
of disguise as well.
color=#006600>3) Side Piece, usually a female that the
guy uses only for sx and other pleasures i.e. she is usually the one that
he goes to for that 3some or some late night head after the club. When
Wifey is acting up and Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the
one to hold him over for a few hrs. He can meet with the Side Piece for
reasons other than sex, but normally that only happens one week during
the month. Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because most
of her friends are either Wifey's or Jump Offs. Drawback of having
more than one Side Piece, they usually know each other somehow...we kinda
think there is a sidepiecenetwork. com or something. Try to keep your Side
Piece count below 4 if possible.
color=#993300>4) Jump Off...every mans dream and worst
nightmare. She is trying to move up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or
Wifey but doesnt know how to go about it. They are just the girls he hollas
at when he is with his boys...she is usually stored in the cell phone by a
nickname because he barely remembers her real name and where he met
her...he only recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called
in emergencies only, when wifey is moody, baby girl is on vacation
and Side Piece is with her baby's father. The Jump Off is extremely
dangerous in public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys
jump off as well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes
if you slip up, she also has no problem confronting you in the mall when
you are with Wifey (something that baby girl would NEVER do) and the most
dangerous thing about Jump Off...she ALWAYS seems to find out where you
live and or work.
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?' The mother replies,
'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.' '
Youre wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the Mom asked puzzled.
'Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Top Signs of Net Addiction
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lapand your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
Your hard drive crashes.
You havent logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.
You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number.
You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.
The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, he
said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy.
He turned to the second mom. 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny'.
He turns to the third mom. 'Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by
the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, we're leaving...
85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked
what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first
I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was
shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of
us could get the jar open.'
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22) Now, pass it on
japanees a preten fi be ronaldinho lololol must pree loloo
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"
''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.
So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''
"Mickey," the judge said, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane!" exclaimed Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy!"
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"
comes his wife with a pan --BOOF!-- "a who nayme Shiela?" asked the wife, "mi disya
payp eena yuh pocket wid di nayme Shiela pon it, who is she?". The man rubbing his
headback said "me and Richie did dung ah di racetrack tiddeh an dat is di nayme of di
horse weh we bet pan, a wah duh yuh?!!". So the wife apologized, kissed his
headback, and went back to her chores. 15 minutes later the wife storms out of the kitchen
again --BOOF!! BAM!!-- "A WHA DUH YUH?!!" shouted the husband, and the wife shouts
back "YUH HORSE DEH PON DI PHONE!!".
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
Toll Booth Collector: Morning sir, the toll will be $55.
Skinny the Taxi man: $55 unda yuh Mumma! Yuh know how long mi a drive pon dis yah road yah and now oonu want come charge man fi drive pon we owna road. Is kill oonu want kill off poor people! Mi naw pay dat!
TB Collector: Sir, you don't have a choice, please pay the toll or I'll be forced to call the officer standing right over there.
Skinny: Which officer yuh a talk bout? Weh part him deh?
TB Collector: Yuh see the officer standing over there with the gold-teeth, the dark glasses, the bend-up face, and the M-16? Yes dat same one?
Skinny: Awhoah. A just choo mi car overload and mi nuh want di ugly police bwoy come say nuttn to mi ennuh. Otherwise mi wouldn't pay yuh a cent. Oonu is ole tief and ole vampire come fi suck out poor people *lo**.
TB Collector: Next! Rambo the Minivan Driver: Excuse mi Mam, but mi nuh really understand this whole toll ting yah ennuh. Is why we haffi a pay toll when wi done arready pay motor vehicles taxes and all kinda other taxes?
TB Collector: I cant really answer that question for you sir. Please send a letter to your MP or Councillor and let them deal with that ... in the meantime you need to pay the toll of $165.
Rambo: But what a gal facety doah eeh? Old country tuff face gal, mi was just asking yuh a simple question. Yuh Mumma never teach yuh how fi chat to people? But a wonder a who dis likkle dry up gal a come tek fi likkle bwoy doah sah? If ah wasn't in a good mood dis mawning yuh see ...
TB Collector: Sir are you going to pay the toll or should I call Office Trigger Happy to come talk to you?
Rambo: (Throws the money at her) See di money deh!! Nyam it! Yuh face bend up like backa hog!
Passengers in the Minivan: (Gal go s**k yuh Mumma!) (Go jooce yuh Puppa) (Batti gal doan come a Spanish Town mek mi see yuh!)(Old lesbian!)
TB Collector: Next!
Kenny Smooth, the Escalade Driver: Hey baby ... yuh like my car?
TB Collector: That's a large SUV, okay sir the toll on that will be $110.
Kenny: Is how yuh a mek it look a way so baby? Talk to mi Sweetie. What time yuh get off, I could wait for yuh and take you for a spin in the Escalade here. Yeah, mi see di likkle smile a creep up pon yuh face. Smile man, mi know yuh want smile! Talk di truth, you've been dying to ride in one of these nuh true? It have nuff leg room for your nice long sexy legs. Comfortable leather seats and a banging 5-CD stereo system!
TB Collector: (Smiling) Listen to me, your mouth is too sweet. Is so yuh lyrics off every woman yuh meet, nuh true? Anway, mi coulda never talk to yuh sound too girly, girly. Plus is 8:00 o'clock ina di morning and I don't get off 'til 4:00 this evening.
Kenny: (flashing his smile, gold teeth everywhere) Arright, then I'll come back round about 4:00 come pick yuh up, seen!
TB Collector: I don't know ... I'll see, why don't yuh give me your cell number and I'll call.
Kenny: (lying his ass off) Listen, my cell is in the cell shop and them nuh get di parts from farin yet, you gimme your number. (She writes the number on a piece of paper)
TB Collector: Look di people dem blowing dem horn, so yuh have to pay di toll and gwan through.
Kenny: Do mi a favor nuh ... yuh can pay di toll fi mi and when mi come back fi pick yuh up later mi pay yuh back. Mi have one Nanny and mi nuh want bruk it.
TB Collector: But see yah ... then is how yuh a drive big Jeep and nuh have no money. (Grabs her phone number back from his hand.) Look here likkle bruk pocket bwoy, try go carry back people vehicle go gi dem and pay di da-mn toll and galong bout yuh business. Pauperizing no r**s!
Uncle Hector the Tractor Trailer Driver: (Blowing his truck horns at Kenny in front of him) CRATCHES! Pis-sn tail cratches! Stop look front from di money collector woman and hurry up and galong through di blasted toll booth. Man deh pon borrow time right yah now. Move man! Move!
TB Collector: Thank you sir. That will be $165 for the big rig.
Uncle Hector: (Managing to pull his eyes away from the woman's breast) Yuh is a nice looking lady yuh know. Back ina my prime I would love to runkus a woman like you. (Grins, showing his 4 remaining brown tobacco-stained teeth.)
TB Collector: Thanks for the compliment, but I only date men who were born in this century and have all a dem teeth! Next!
Prudence the Business Executive: (pulling up in her Benz) Excuse me! Am I to understand that there is a different weight class and corresponding toll for each vehicle, and if so are there any exceptions been made for luxury cars such as mine? 'Cause you know I have traveled the world, and the toll system in other countries.
TB Collector: Look here Ms. World Traveler, di da-mn toll is $55 fi yuh 'f**k and get' cyar. If yuh too bruk fi pay it mi undastan. Cause some a oonu when oonu start get old and oonu cratches start dryup, man stop mind oonu.
Prudence: Well, I never! How rude! Do you know who my husband is?
TB Collector: Probably one a di man dem who a pick up wh-ore a town and carry dem a motel a Portmore go ketch gonorrhea ... when yuh feeling yuh strange itching and scratching and yuh get stressed out doan come tek it out pon people out a road! Go tek it put pon yuh husband! Fifty-five dollars please, yuh holding up di line! Thanks! Next!
Doofie, the Village Idiot: (Walking up to the toll booth). Is oomuch fi pay fi walk through di gate Mam?
TB Collector: Doofie, you don't have to pay to walk through, but be careful walking on the highway and nuh mek none a dem mad driver yah lick yuh wid dem vehicle. Okay!
Have a Good Day!
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