Once upon a time, Anancy tink to himself seh dat if him coulda collect up all de common-sense ina de worl an keep it fi himself, den him boun to get plenty money an plenty powah, for everybody woulda haffi come to him wid dem worries an him woulda charge dem very dear wen him advise them.

Anacy start fi collect up and collect up all de common-sense him could a fine an put dem inna one big-bag calabash. When him search an search an couldn't fine no more common-sense Anacy decide fi hide him calabash full a common-sense pon de top of a high-high tree which part nobody coulda reach it.

So Anancy tie a rope round de neck a de calabash an tie de two end a de rope togedda, an tie de rope roun him neck so dat de calabash wasa res pon him belly. Anancy start fi climb up de high-high tree, which part him was gwine hide de calabash, but him couldn't climb too good nor too fas for de calabash wasa get in him way everytime him try fi climb.

Anancy try an try so till all of a sudden him hear a voice buss out a laugh backa him, an wen him look him see a lickle bwoy a stan up a de tree root an a laugh an halla seh, "What a fool-fool man! If yuh want to climb a tree front ways, why yuh don't put de calabash behine yuh?"

Well sah, Anancy soh bext fi hear dat big piece a common-sense come outa de mout a such a lickle bit a bwoy afta him did tink dat him collect all de common-sense in de worl, dat Anancy grab off de calabash from roun him neck an fling it dung a tree root, an de calabash bruck up in minces an de common-sense dem scatter out ina de breeze all ovah de worl an everybody get a lickle bit a common-sense.

Is Anancy mek it.
Jack Mandora, me nuh choose none.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FU*K
OFF!", the dog ate him!"

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=oT9wVnO7ScU]

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 20:21, 2008-10-30

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school,
unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk,
so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below
so he tells his girlfriend to whisper," lettuce" if she wants it harder
and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in,
"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there,
you're getting mayonnaise all over my face."

this mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.

one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.

kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.

now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.

my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.

while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.

Man to son:
Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, itll make your
penis look bigger.

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=p5Nv5VQQpzg&feature=related

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 19:40, 2008-05-30

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again?? Kick ass

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day !

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly. You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch SportsCenter.

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.

His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... gra**. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried gra**. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zu3FlOksBjY

dunno if u goin find it funny made me sick...an one a mi bredden vomit

1:17 sec

-- Edited by mattbossy at 01:39, 2008-05-23

The sales rep from the Corona Beer Company in Mexico sits at a bar in Toronto and says to the bartender "Senor, I would like the world's best beer, Corona." The Budweiser rep who was also at the same beer convention in the city sits on the stool beside the Corona rep and says "I would like a bottle of the best beer in the world, King of beers, a Budweiser please." So next, in walked the Coors rep who shouted "I would like the world's best beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring water, barkeep, give me a Coors beer please." While everyone was sipping on their drinks, in walks the rep from Jamaica's Red Stripe breweries and orders a "Sprite" soft drink. The barkeep asks "How come you aren't having a Red Stripe?" The Jamaican replies, "Chouh, if dem man ya nah drink no beer, mi naah badda eida!!!"

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=x3Rw_3ky-uo]

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 19:36, 2008-05-30

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 19:37, 2008-05-30

-- Edited by Dj_Rubbut at 19:37, 2008-05-30

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 20:35, 2008-05-30

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[youtube=]

The Blonde at School


Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.

[youtube=

]

-- Edited by IWALLACE12 at 14:59, 2008-05-25

  THIS IS SPARTA!!

  FONE SEX FAILURE!!


  SNACK TALES!!

  CAN U READ??

DID U GET #10 RITE OR WRONG??

One day bigboy go a school an di teacher say
everybaddy fi draw sup n
So when di teacha luk pan everybaddy drawing
Di teacha seh good good
Den when it reach to bigboy him come up an di teacha dey dey a luuk pan di paypa an seh
but bigboy mi no see nutn me ongle see waan likkle dat.
So hair bigboy him now yes teacha es a plane but it dey far out u caaan seet. fuuunnny eh Thats mut****o frm santa Cruz

http://www.zshare.net/video/12583416394a2b1a/


http://www.zshare.net/video/12583416394a2b1a/

Two drunks were walking home from the bar one night...it was a round midnight. one of the drunks said "Bwoy, di sun hot today..."
the other corrected him and said its the moon.
they continue arguing for a good while till they see a passerby and decide to ask him if it was the sun or the moon in the sky...
the drunk goes up to the man and asks "Bossman, a di sun ar di moon dat inna di sky?"
the man replies
"Bwoy mi nuh no inuh, im not from around here!"

There's a lake in the woods and a fly is flying over the water. There's a fish in the water, and he thinks, if the fly drops two inches, I can jump out of the water and eat the fly.

There's also a bear beside the river and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out of the water, and I can eat the fish.

There's a hunter in the woods and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, and I can shoot the bear.

There's a mouse behind the hunter, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket.

There's a cat watching the mouse, and he thinks, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump out the water, the bear will go after the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun will make the ham and cheese sandwich fall out of his pocket, and I can eat the mouse.

So this is what happens: the fly drops two inches, the fish jumps for the fly, the bear goes after the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the recoil from the hunter's gun knocks the ham and cheese sandwich out of his pocket, the mouse goes after the sandwich, the cat goes after the mouse, slips, and falls into the water.

The moral of the story? It takes a lot of foreplay to get a p*u**yy wet.

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.

"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.

Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.

So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.

Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow.

It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!

I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!

He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"

Little jonny's mom fainted

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks". The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.

Two years ago i visited Jamaica. I went to the hospital to visit a
friend. I overheard the nurses giggling about something one of the dying patients said.
Curious to hear the joke i asked them what it was: A nurse went up the the dying
councillor and asked him if he was feeling pain. The dying man turned to the nurse and
shouted paaaain,paaaaain tell me about PPPPPPPPP NNNNNNNNNNNNNN PPPPPPPPPPPPP
OF COURSE THIS MAN WAS A 36 YEARS VETERIAN IN THE PNP PARTY.

It was that time, the Sundat morning service, for the chinldren's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a biitch to iron".

##################################################################

When i was 6 months pregnant with my third child, my three-year old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy. " I know'" she replied, "but what's growing in you butt?" 

#################################################################



One day the first grade teacher was readinf the story of Chicken Little to her class. She cam to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read .... and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling! The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that the farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and sais, " I think he said. 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.  poor child

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off
to do as he pleased since they would be out quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner.
After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly
bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours
to meet some very important business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear,
"Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted,
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=73P3banYNNk]

one of u Ladies can date him lol

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know.

[youtube= ]






-- Edited by mz más quería veterano on Friday 4th of June 2010 07:03:17 PM

Two second-graders are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.

http://www.speedyshare.com/829366732.html

-- Edited by djmercenary at 09:29, 2008-05-28

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher    asked for a show  of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on    little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"



Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito.He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!"

2 olives are sitting on a plate.

all of a sudden, one of the olives starts rolling and falls off the plate, smacking down on the hard floor.

the other olives says "hey are u ok!?"

the olive replies "....o'live"

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said 6", replies Little Vito.

"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f**king difference?" asks Little Vito's father . . .

"That's what I said!"  

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

-- Edited by Garrick at 19:47, 2008-05-28

A RASTAMAN WENT TO VISIT AN OLD FAMILY FRIEND. RASTAMAN KNOCK PON DI
DOOR
AND SMADDY INSIDE SEH: " A WHO DAT"

RASTAMAN----- " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD:
CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"

THE PERSON INSIDE REPLIED: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR
FI SO MUCH AH OONU".

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it," replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."

"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

1997 World Women's Conference.
 
The First speaker from England spoke:  "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."  
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.  
 
The second speaker from America spoke: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Laundry and that he would have to do it himself.  
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.  
 
The third speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself.  
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a  likkle bit outta mi left eye."