Granny did sey **** is a very powerful word. Never you forget a word as important as **** and its many **** uses!

1. **** is a good way to finish a sentence that lacks excitement ...

tekki back ****!
Gimme back ****!


2. **** can be used in biology eg.....

Look pan di gal ****!


3. It can be used as a warning of future troubles .... cover yu ****!


4. It can ward off unwanted sexual advances ....

me nah gi yu me numba yu ugly ****!
move yu **** from me, ****!


5. It can describe extreme pain ....

it hot nuh ****!
me granny gi me some **** licks!


6. It can describe size .....

yuh foot dem big nuh ****!
him have a **** mouth deh!


7. As you can see **** is an all-purpose Jamaican word. You can use it as often as yu **** feel!

Greeting ...... How de **** yu do?
Fraud ......... Yu too **** tief!
Dismay ........ ****!
Trouble ....... Oh ****!
Aggression .... Watch yu **** self!
Disgust ....... Cho ****!
Confusion ..... Wha di **** a gwaan!
Incompetence .. A wha di **** yu a do .... ****-idiot!
Lost .......... Whe di **** we deh!
Pleasure ...... it nice nuh ****!
Retaliation ... Yu ****-c**t...
And of course . kiss mi ****!


Me done to ****!!
NOW ..... Stop waste time pon di Internet and go do di **** people dem work!!

Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them. 

He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : Ready, aim was given he shouted Earthquake!. Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped. 

When the Jamaicans turn came, after Ready, aim he shouted Hurricane!. Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped. The Trinidadian smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape. As the command Ready, aim was given, with a broad grin he shouted: Fire!

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She
asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands
explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,one
exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

'Because I am not an American.' replied Gita.

'Then', asks the teacher, 'What are you?'

'I'm a proud Jamaican' boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Gita why she is a Jamaican.

'Well, my mom and dad are Jamaicans, so I'm a Jamaican too.'

The teacher is now angry. 'That's no reason', she says loudly, 'If
your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?'

A pause, and a smile. 'Then' says Gita, 'I'd be an America

A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!"

The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure,another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Tank Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"

A mother and her son were flying Air Jamaica from Montego Bay to Miami. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did".

Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air Jamaica always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared. She talked with
him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie.So... what yuh want?"

The woman didn't hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's
what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head said, "Mek mi see di map again!!!!"

After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncie's husband was awake and shaking with fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, "Puncie, me lub, me sarry". Puncie replied, "yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi done wid har. Den yu will sarry!"
Puncie's husband said, "lawd Puncie man, no gwan so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? A she buy it gi mi. Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ring pan yu finga? A fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month?"

Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, "Den cova har up no? We no want har fi ketch cold!!"

A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:

1) $ 100.00 to do it on the g****.
2) $ 200.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $ 300.00 to do it in the bed.

In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the g****.

Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there.

About the end of the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class".

The Jamaican responds, "Class mi r**s ... three times pon the g****."

5. "They told me at the *la*hd Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they 
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna 
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim 
out. 

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and 
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able 
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A little old lady is walking down King Street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a 0
bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Hey missis, yu doan
see money a fall outta yu bag dem?"

"Lawd mi Gawd!" says the little old lady. "Mi have fi go
back an fin' dem!" Tenks fi telling mi."

"Hold dung! Not so fast," says the cop.
"Is whey yu get di money from? Is steal it yu steal it?"?

"Oh, no sah", says the little old lady. "You see, fi mi
back yard a right next to the stadium parking lot. Any time a match a gwaan,
whole heap a fans dem come and peepee t'rough di fence inna mi yard. So, mi
tan behind the fence wid di hedge clippers dem. Any time smaddy stick 'im
ting through de fence, mi bawl out,"One hundred dollar or it a come
aff!"

"Well, dat sound fair" laughs the cop.
"Gwaan yu ways and good luck! Oh, by de way, is what inna de other
bag?"

"Well, you know sah, is not everybody pay.."

#10 IF YOU GIVE/HELP YOU ARE THE BOSS!..MI RATE YUH/ A GOOD YUTE MAN, ......IF YOU DONT.....YUH MEAN ****.. GWEH!! ..D F*CKA MEAN!!... "YAH PU55YHOLE"..GWEH!! MEK SURE YOU NUH ASK MI FI NOTTEN!!

#9."KISS DEM TEETH" @ ANYTHING DEM CANT BADDA WID..EVEN DEM BOSS!

#8. QUICK FI TELL ANYBODY BOUT DEM "****" AT THE SLIGHTEST SUSPICION OF DISRESPECT | HOT'ED

#7. PARTY STARTS 10PM AND SHUD END 2AM, JAMAICANs ENTER @ 12/1AM AND THINK IT SHUD END WHENEVER THEY ARE READY TO GO.


#6. "PHONE: YA MAN, MI A DEH PON ME WAY !" = STILL IN THE HOUSE AND STILL DRESSING../ MI SOON REACH..YA MAN = 30MINS - 1HR AWAY ...EVA LATE!

#5. EVERY SPECIAL DAY IS A CELEBRATION, DEM PUT ON A DANCE FI EVERY LIKKLE OCCASION!..(they say) LOL

#4.THEIR BUSINESS IS TOP SECRET...BUT YOURS IS ON THE FRONT PAGE

#3. WI CALL ALL ASIANS, JAPANESE, CHINESE , KOREANS >"CHINEY" / MISA CHIN!

#2. DEM ALWAYS WAAH "BEAT THE SYSTEM" AND WHEN THE GET KETCH DEM WAAH "JOSTIS"

#1. DEM ALWAYS WAAH SEE WID DEM HAND, DEM HAFFI TOUCH EVERYTHING

#Only in Jamaica we use one word to make a sentence. Take the word come, "A come me a come come call u fi come falla mi go"

#Only In Jamaica the phase 'Go suck yuh madda' can cost you your life.

#Only in Jamaica we beat our children the worst way and tell them dem tap yuh noise! wen dem a bawl.

#Only In Jamaica is a hundred dollars is referred to as a bills..."yea man just let off a bills n we good"...now we refer to it as a dollar lol..so 5 bill a 5 dollar.

#Only In Jamaica_ word like "bossy, mi boss, mi dan, mi daddy, mi madda" are used to show your utmost respect to someone not related to you in anyway.

#Only In Jamaica the word 'Respect' is most times a man's way of saying "Thanks"

#Only In Jamaica you use 'dem' to pluralize eg. mi foot dem, car dem, all a di girl dem.

#Only In Jamaica BAD means good, great eg. yo dat bad!!

# Only In Jamaica Sunday dinner #MUST include rice and peas..

#Only in Jamaica 'him' is used to refer to both sexes.

#Only in Jamaica "MOVE YUH ****!" is clearly understood.

#Only In Jamaica the electric bill is called a 'light' bill.

Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? 

Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. 

ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! 

This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets. So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown. 

Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!" Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem. But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out. 

Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45. 

Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di railin' when dibus a tun di cana dem. De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all canas an' bends. When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat we seated passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh 'gainst di bus side. We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!" Dat might cause a serious shootout! 

On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an' lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response. 

Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop. Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police ... in case of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout. 

In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole di bway an' murda 'im, to r*ss. Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff Noh mine dem ..... seat kina ration. 

Tank yuh for tekin' di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and hope you enjoy di ride. 

DRIVA - PRESS OUT! 

LOVE IT!!!!

One day a teenage gurl took her little brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions on show were mating an so she told them that "they were just playing leap-frog". The little 4 yr old den replied :

"Looks like they're F***ing to me."

b careful wat u expose di kids to

Good day Gentle folks This is my 1st post and u kno to tell you the truth i wanted it to be worth while but bwoy wah lead me fi post this ya post yah ....Kno the 1 mark watson man yes the big mighty mark watson di man have 2 woman pan zone and make dem go buk up. ananymus now casue mi kno wah no name mi kno wah kno  Buss head.
After the man have 2 front a dagger him move from 2-1-0 in the space of 9.53 secs new world record d man faster than bolt. Which gal nah say dem ugly and a talk bout how dem whole stretch to who name stamp pan di pu55y. enough bout that now.

People wah fi kno A who name turbo Tounge No Nyk Man Mr. Mighty Mouth all i kno is me hear say him wash draws and supposildy get box ina face wid panty Lord god thanks 4 reading my post i hope it give u good laughs

YOURS TRUELLY PASTOR REV.



-- Edited by !? DJ Revvyc !? :/ on Tuesday 10th of August 2010 11:43:25 PM

By rockingir at 2010-08-30

Here's the translation code sheet for when Jamaicans are chatting online or texting each other.

TWY = Tek Weh Yuself
XA = X Amount
AO = Alms Ouse
BPT = Back Pon Top
BOAL = Buss Out A Laff
BOABDL = Buss Out A Big Dutty Laff
CAS = Crack A Smile
DWL = Dead Wid Laff
DWLAPUMS = Dead Wid Laff And Peepee Up Mi Self
FR = Fi Real
KMN = Kiss Mi Neckback
KYAWO = Kut Yeye And Wheel Out
LIH = Lick Innu Head
LM = Likkle More
MPD = Mad People Dem
MYODB = Mine Yuh Own Dyamn Biznezz
NR = Nuff Respect

A man comes home from work one day to find his wife watching the food channel. So he asked :

"y do u watch that ?" U still cant cook!"

She responds "And u watch porn & u still cant f@%K

to all a di man dem wa knw seh dem na fi watch porn fi can sort out dem ooman good

Me know me see Braces so when all you see yellow when him mouth open is nah Grills is just him yellow teeth with braces

-- Edited by SVG on Monday 30th of August 2010 09:41:27 PM

"P U S S Y in a bottle by the strange people"

Gordon Ramsay is in trouble again and this time it's because of the word "p*u**yy." During last night's episode of "The F Word" in the UK, Gordon and Graham Norton talked about the energy drink p*u**yy.

Gordon said, "It's got some natural energy in the p*u**yygo ontaste your p*u**yy. Do you like the p*u**yy, was that good?"




-- Edited by JamaicanShem at 14:39, 2008-08-05

ALL THE ARTIST AND WASTE ARTIST OUT THERE VOICING ON RIDDIMS WITHOUT PERMISSION, THIS IS A PERSONAL MESSSAGE FROM DI GENIUS: NO MAN TO HIM INSTRUMENTAL

-- Edited by Cobra93 on Friday 23rd of July 2010 07:14:19 PM

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSQXffVYM6I

You're the ackee in my saltfish 
Condensed milk in my tea 
The patty in my coco bread 
Without you there is no me. 

Just like coconut water 
You're good for my heart 
And Mr.Wray without his nephew 
Is like when we are apart. 

When you wrap your arms around me 
Like banana leaf on blue draaws 
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you 
You know that im all yours. 

I want to be with you always 
Like when tin milk get short 
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel 
to make sure de mackerel get bought. 

Like carrot juice on Sunday 
Mango in the summertime 
I cant get enough of you 
Please tell me you will be mine.

So what did you see first? Be honest!

Always think before you speak...!!!!! This is a great example of "did I say that out  loud???" This happened at University of the West Indies in October last year.


In an  "OESH" class, the Professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm  all the energy for their journey.

A female Masters' candidate raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying  there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked,  "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl's face turned bright red and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said  (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the  professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.. Have a good day."


-- Edited by LaDy J on Thursday 19th of August 2010 07:22:41 PM

SHI GIVE BIRTH TO DA MAN OR WHA

-- Edited by LaDy J on Friday 13th of August 2010 06:45:17 PM

PICTURE OF JAVON AKA POP SKULL

-- Edited by KrYsIs (Radio Mod) on Sunday 15th of August 2010 09:30:00 PM

A 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says: "Soon."

 

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says: "Soon."

 

Finally they say: "When can we see the baby?"

 

And the mother says: "When the baby cries."

 

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" they asked.

 

The new mother says: "I forgot where I put it."