click view image  at base of the pic

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1.) FINE:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Do not Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) that is Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you are welcome.
8.) Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying F YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3

-- Edited by Dj.Delvito at 19:07, 2008-06-14

Jamaican Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country.

First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on.

He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same.

Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks,
"Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell"
"What do they do in here?" He asks.
"Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Jamaican Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!"

"But that is just like all the other Hells". The man said, " Why is the line so long?"

"Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the electricity always lock off, the electric chair always naah work, sumbady tief di nail dem, and di Jamaican Devil a public servant, so he cum in an' punch him time card den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam. 
Nutting aint movin. De driver wonderin what happenin.
Next ting you know, a man knocks on the window.
De driver roll down he window and ask, 'Wha goin on?'
'Boy...terrorists kidnap Gorge Bush and askin for a $100 million ransom.
If dey don't get de money, dey say dey gon light he tail pon fire.
So we goin from car to car to take up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'How much people givin on average?'
'About a gallon.'

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

A LADY WAS TRAVELLING ALONG CALEDONIA ROAD IN MANDEVILLE WHEN SHE WAS INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A MAN. THEY BOTH AGREE TO GO TO THE POLICE STATION TO MAKE A REPORT. THEY WENT TO THE MANDEVILLE TRAFFIC OFFICE WHERE THEY SAW CORPORAL ALBERT SIMPSON.

LADY:GOOD MORNING OFFICA

CPL SIMPSON: GOOD MORNING MOM

LADY:I HAVE A ACCIDENT TO REPORT

CPL SIMPSON: GO AHEAD MOM

LADY: OFFICA MI SEH MI A CUM AND WHEN MI REALISE THE MAN A CUM TO SO MI START BLOW THE MAN AND ALL DI BLOW MI A BLOW THE MAN HIM STILL CUM INNA MI.

CPL SIMPSON: LADY IT LOOK LIKE A SEX ARGUMENT YUH A TALK

LADY: NO OFFICA LOOK HOW THE MAN MASH UP THE WHOLE A MI FRONT.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

For A Million Dollars

A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh madda if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then go ask yuh bradda if him would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then come back and tell me wha yu find out."

The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.

He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid di amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!"

Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh".

Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out. Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman."

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

One day a married couple went to have thier child, on arriving in
the doctors office the doctor told them that he just invented a
pain releaver machine which transfers some of the pain from
the mother to the father during labour. The doctor asked if
the father wuz up to it. He replied yes.
When it wuz time for the delivery the doctor prepared the machine
when labour pain struck the mother she screamed so the
doctor transferred a small amount to the father (for starters)
but the father didnt make a sound the mother kept holowing out
so the doctor transferred 50% of the pain to the father, but to his
suprise he didn't felt anything. The baby was almost out and the mother
couldn't take anymore so the father said transfer all the labour pain
to me, the doctor replied it my kill you bcuz your body wasn't made for such
pain. The doctor agreed and transferred 100% of the pain to the father.
To their surpprise the father was not showing any sign of pain.
The couple delivered a healthy baby and everyone was ok.
The father thanked the doctor for his machine.
On arriving home the couple came across a dead Mail Man on their pourch

Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?

          The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."

          The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

          The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first they had sex with the lights all on, otherwise, they would not see what one would tell the other in sign language.

One day the woman asked, "Can't we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man said, "Okay, but how will you know when I want to make love to you?"

The woman said, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man said, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about fifty times, ok?"

Southern USA State Trooper

One day a Jamaican couple was driving along a high way somewhere South in the USA when a State trooper stopped them.

Upon reaching the car, the Trooper said in his good southern drawl "Howdy ... speeding?"

The Jamaican woman exclaimed "A wah Im seh?"

The Jamaican man replied to her "Im seh we a drive too fass"

The trooper continued "I'm going to have to give you all a ticket"

The woman exclaimed again "A wah Im seh?"

Slightly irritated, the Jamaican man replied "Im seh wi a go get a traffic ticket"

The trooper, now recognising their Jamaican accents said to them "Y'all from Jamaica? I went to Jamaica once!"

The woman once again exclaimed "A wah Im seh?"

The Husband, nearly at his limit replied "Im seh Im go Jamaica already"

The trooper continued, "I met a Jamaican Girl there and we had sex. You know it was the worst piece of ass I ever had in my life"

The woman once again exclaimed "A wah Im seh?"

The Jamaican man, having all that he could bear exclaims, "IM SEH IM KNOW YU!!!!!"

Jamaican Man at KPH

A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.

Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?

Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.

Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt

Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back

Gizzadas For Her Husband

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of Gizzadas.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the Gizzada was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a Gizzada at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife......
'Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you nine-nite."

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?

A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?

A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that invented the solar flashlight?

Submitted by: Anthony Sandoval

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?

A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?

A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket
trolley?

A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

-- Edited by Dj.Delvito at 03:42, 2008-06-14

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further, and people started going back to their farms and normal lives. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought back all the monkeys.

After that day they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again. Only monkeys everywhere!

Hopefully you now have a better understanding of how Cash Plus works :)

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=sipvY1-J758]

John Wright, a businessman from the West Coast USA, after working very long hours away from home, decided in mid winter to book him and his wife, Josephine, a two week break in Florida, on the East Coast. He had one more job to attend to out of town and arranged to email his wife the day he arrived in Florida, so she could jump on a plane and join him.

He typed in his wife's email address JosephineW[at]aol.com and sent off a short message to her. Or so he thought.. Unfortunately in his haste, he typed in JospehineE[at]aol.com. The email arrived at Josephine Emerson's e-letter box. She had just lost her husband, the late Rev John Emerson. When she checked her mail that day, the whole house heard her scream and fall in a dead faint on the floor. Her daughter rushed in to find her unconscious, cl**tching a print out of the email. It read

From : John

Subject : from the Other Side

My dearest wife. I arrived here yesterday. It sure is hotter than I expected. Amazingly, I've bumped into some old faces I didn't expect to see down here. They were just as surprised to see me. When I told them you're booked in to arrive tomorrow, they couldn't wait to see you too! Your loving husband, John.

~~~

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see *lo** and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

di man real cool and down to earth

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man.

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man.

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."

A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

Jamaican Lottery Winner


Recently, this Jamaican won the 10 million special lottery for a dollar. As soon as the office of the Lottery Corporation was open on the following day, he was there to collect his winnings.

Graciously, he presented his winning ticket to the clerk and in his best English uttered his request "Me cum fi collect the 10 millian dallars, si me ticket ya".

After reviewing and checking the ticket with his manager, the clerk returned and requested on how he would like his payments. The Jamaican replied, "Mi wan all a de money now".

"Unfortunately, Sir" the nervous clerk responded, "The procedures are that we can only give you one million now and the balance equally over the next 20 years".

Furious and agitated, the Jamaican asked for the manager, who re-iterated "Sir, my assistant is correct, it is the regulation of the corporation that we initially pay you one million dollars now with the balance paid to you equally over the next 20 years".

Outraged, the Jamaican slammed his hand on the desk and shouted in anger, "Oonu tek me fi idiat, me wan all a de money now or oonu gi me bak me dallar!!"

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. And for plenty of good reasons:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component of acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer
He asked fifty people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical, dihydrogen monoxide was water. The title of his prize winning project was, How Gullible are We? He feels the conclusion is obvious.

http://www.break.com/articles/wowporn.html

Do you come here often? Because I'm about to come here right now.
If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?
Hi, I'm a birdwatcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed thrasher, Do you know where i can find one?
Hey, how about you sit on my face and let me eat my way to you heart?
Are you a cupcake? (No....why...?) Cause you probably taste really sweet!!!!
Do you like lollipops? Cause I'll take you to my candy shop.
Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.
I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a banana cream.
Ever stuck a hot dog in a donut? Do you want to?
I want to be pooh so i can stick my nose in your honey.
Can I put my magic wand in your Harry Potter.
Girl, I would love to lick your belly button......from the inside!
Do you give head to stangers? No. Well let me intruduce myself.
Your so hot that even on a cold winter night my penis would stand for you.
I'm an astronaut & my next mission is to explore uranus!
Hey baby can you please calm my monster down.
He: Do you wanna go to my stable? She: Why? He: So you can ride my pony!!
Hey, I'm from the Middle East, and i have a weapon of mass destruction in my pants.
Do you wanna be my kangaroo so we can hop all night.
Do you want to be like my speedo and hug my balls?
Do you like Backstreet Boys. Good, because my penis is larger than life.
I'll give you a nickle if you tickle my pickle....ill give you a dime if you take your time.
While behind someone at a fast food place say; you should order a number 69; ( what's that?) an order of fries and a coke with me on the side.
The trojans loved helen so much they jumped into a horse, i love u so much i wanna jump into a trojan.
guy: my mom told me to never look at pretty girls because i will turn into a statue! In fact i can feel myself getting hard right now!
I would be honored if I could park my beef bus in tuna town.
I'm Irish, wanna taste my lucky charms?
I wish I were a burger, so I can get between those buns.
You must be my new boss because you just gave me a raise.
I'm a french fry and you're ketchup. Can i get in you?
Just like a tootsie roll pop, I'd liked to find out how many licks it takes to get to your center.
You're a pile of leaves... I wanna jump right in!
If you jingle my bells I can promise you a white Christmas.
Nike took my motto: Just Do It.
For women: when he asks to get into your pants just say, No thanks I have one asshole in there already!
Do you like to party? Then crawl up my leg and have a ball!
I was just wondering could those lips pull a ten pound vacuum on a onion sack?
Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Elvis over there?
Hi, i'm peter pants-less. wanna go to never-neverland?
You're on fire. Can I stop drop and roll with you?
I just got the shocks changed on my car. Want to try them out?
I'm a fireman, wanna see my hose?
Remember my name. you'll be screaming it later.
You are what you eat, and tonight I want to be you.
So can we hang out with my wang out or what?
Do you have a gynecologist... cause i just got my degree.
I got the F-C-K. All I need is U.
Theres a snickers in my pants.hungry why wait?
I'm learning about sex in biology...wanna experiment?
You look good in that shirt, but you would look even better with it off.
Are we In Alaska because I feel like a sexkimo!
Are you a mechanic? because you should be screwing me.
Your eyes are like wrenches ..... they make my nuts tighten.
What time do your legs open?
I'm good at math U+I=69.
Hey, want to play house. I could be the door and you could slam me all night long.
Girl your like a cream puff...hard to get into..but once you do its like a dream...silky and smooth.
Will you sleep with me tonight? Cuz I'm afraid of the dark.
Are you with the Cingular plan? Because you got my bar raised!
What's a slut like you doing in a high class place like this?
Girl, you're like a pickup truck. It takes more than one load to get the job done.
Hey, I've got something to show you! Stand back it takes more room! (As you reach for your zipper).
Guy: Are you Catsup? Girl: No, Why? Guy: Cause i'm mustard, we should get together on a weiner.
(He) I'm not very good at my hobby (She) What's your hobby (He) keeping it in my pants.
Do u like the taste of chicken? We'll then suck on this it tastes foul.
I taste like candy. If you don't believe me why don't you try some.

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarra**ed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarra**ed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

A Jamaican man is sitting watching tv and his wife comes up behind him and whacks him with a frying pan.
"Ay! Wa' dat fa?" e shouts.

"Me fine one paper inna yu pocket wid a gal name pon it, "Miss Maisy." she says.

"Wa you mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy went a race track last week and Miss Maisy is de name a de 'orse weh run ina de first race," he protests.

Two days later he is sitting watching tv again and "wack" one lick ina him head back with a dutch-pot.

"Oooowww" he shouts, "wa' dat fa now?"

Wife replies, "Yu horse deh pon di phone "!

its old but i still like it

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

---

One day, Hannah the teacher is reading out loud to her class the story of
Chicken Little. Hannah soon reads out the bit where Chicken Little tries to warn
the farmer. So Chicken Little went over to the farmer and said, the sky is
falling, the sky is falling.
Hannah then asks her class, "What do you think the farmer then said?"
Little Moshe raises his hand. "I think he said, Holy crap!!, a talking chicken."

---

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

http://www.nee-antwerpen.be/index-eng.htm

The Husbands Rules

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Morons Of The Year
Presenting the top morons of the year...
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manueuvre, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer