Getting Directions

I was trying to find my dressmaker, and asked someone on the street for directions. This is what she told me:

"Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop.

Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.

(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and Miss Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.

Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe. But hol on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him licence yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den tun lef', and yu see de shop.

It easy; yu caan miss it!

Dulcie In Court

Late ketch Dulcie, suh she decide fi tek a short cut. As she a mek har way through di bush, two man ole har dung an rape har. She report it to di police, who ketch di man dem afta couple a days. When di case reach a court, Dulcie had to tek di witness stand.

Here's a bit of the court transcript ...

Clerk of the Court: Miss Black (Dulcie), please describe to the court what happened on the night in question.

Dulcie: Well sah, as a was mekkin mi way through di bush, dem two man deh just jump out pan mi, hol mi dung, tear aff mi draws and push dem c*cky inna mi p*ssy!

Judge: Please, please, please, please, Please. Miss, could you please be kind enough to use the proper names for the body parts in question!

Dulcie: Wah yuh mean sah?

Judge: Please say he pushed his penis into your vagina.

Dulcie: OK sah.

Clerk of the court: Please continue Miss Black.

Dulcie: As a wuz sayin, dem ole mi dung and push dem, ahm ... excuse mi sah, a wah yuh seh a di nickname fi c*cky an' p*ssy is again?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' ....and she's always sound asleep.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

-- Edited by Slim at 22:11, 2007-04-20

Devil...Wife...Same Ting!

Sunday morning in Bronx, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a Jamaican.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.
But YOU (points to the Jamaican), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The Jamaican crosses one leg over the other and replies, "See one, see de other! I been married to you sister for 36 years!"

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there
is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Click To Listen

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldnt possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, Just what the hell is your secret?

Bubba replied, Well, coach, whenever Im about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw em forever!

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, Is that you, Bubba?

---

bored of cheesy pick up lines use these replies
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

---

Math Class
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot
one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher.
"But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone,
the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which
one is married?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger.
But I like the way you are thinking..
__________________________________________________ ___________

Red and Shiny The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their
minds, asked the class the following question, " What is bright red
and shiny?"
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire engine !!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you think.. Anyone
else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy
except Johnny of course..
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to
which she nodded OK.
" What is long,hard, rounded and has hair at one end? "
"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, " No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the way you
think"..
__________________________________________________ ___________

Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each
other.
"Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny.
"Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated."
"Okay, I've understood."
"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically.
"Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get f**ked like a dog!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast
tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't
forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father,
always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks
later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh
God, I'm coming!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can't get to
sleep. He decides to go to his parent's room to go chat to them.
Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?"
Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!"
So Johnny decides to go into hisgrand parent's room, only to find the
blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny: " Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?"
Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!"
Feeling rejected,Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into
bed.
A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling
at him so decide to go and apologize.
Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
"Johnny! What are you doing??!!"
Johnny:"I'm playing cards." Grandpa:" But who's your partner?"
Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
__________________________________________________ ___________

No Fighting
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school
wit a black eye.
His father see's it and says "Johnny, how
many times do I have to
tell
you
not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in
church saying our
prayers.
We
all stood up and my teacher in front of me
had her dress in the crack
of
her
butt. I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those
kind of things to
women.

Sure
enough, the very next day Johnny came home
with the other eye black
and
blue.
Johnny's fathersaid, "Johnny, I thought we
had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church
saying
our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher
in front of us had her
dress
in
the crack of her butt. Then max who was
sitting next to me saw it
and he
reached over and pulled it out. Now I know
she doesn't like this, so
I

pushed it back in!"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says,"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a
fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I've DEFINITELY s**t in my pants..."
__________________________________________________ ___________

What are you doing Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the
some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and
walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had
gone on..
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a
used condom..
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny..
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his
son..
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his
father..
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well,
what are you doing? F**king them?"
__________________________________________________ ___________

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed..
The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"
Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"
__________________________________________________ ___________

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom
and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a
question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have
to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are
in the beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer..
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars
are in the sky?"
and again no one could answer..
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday,
he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day
weekend..
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong
balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag..
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,
"Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls
rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who
find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts
laughing..
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"
____________

I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one! Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson. Rat poison only kills rats. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious!

Jamaica Hurricane Relief Letter

DEAR FAMILY & FRIENDS

As yu all know hurricane Dean hit wi ard ... wi a suffer dung ya an wi need likkle elp.
Mi tank God say mi is alive to rite dis....

Remember say Western Union, Jamaica National an di banks back in a business ... so send likkle money to elp mi out.

Mi a mek list fi likkle tings mi need inna di barrels mi ope yu a go seng dung ya ...
Tings bad,bad !!

Si our emergency hurricane relief supply list here:

===================

a .. One flat screen tv - no less than 32"

b .. One portable DVD player - without the electricity boredom would a kill me

c .. DVDs of course ow else mi a go play di music an dance fi figit mi crosses

d .. One MP3 player with FM stereo pon it - di ipod wah unno send ongly play music mi couldn't get fi hear who and who dead, wah kill dem, weh dem a loot and if mi did haffi go back a wuck inna dis ya week.

e .. One Sony digital camera no less than 8 megapixels - cause right now mi coulda enta di Gleaner competition fi de bess hurricane pickcha

f .. One SONY digital video recorder - cause mi sure say TVJ and CVM woulda pay fi me footage of ol' Miss Maud cross de road. She a run dung the road wid two sheet a zinc weh blow offa Barry roof fi give a 92 year old daty she tief bad!

g .. Sen one a de regular ol time plug een phone dem ..cause if mi did have one mi an di liad gyal June coulda labba labba through di whole hurricane all cause Cable and Wireless never bruck dung! The portable ting nah cut it if mi a prepare fi next urricane.

h .. Mi hear sey dem ave flashlight weh you shake up and it light up - send few a dem come - a mi one live ya but you know how it go - mi coulda sell dem and ave nugh money if fancy up mi hair.

i .. By di way one battery operated flat iron set cause a couldn't get fi curl mi weave - good ting me have nuff wig - yu shoulda see mi when mi step out Monday mawning after Dean - still a hot gal!

j .. By de way, tell de ol' worthless Barrington sey dee converter sinting weh him sen last time never wuck. Yu should a see me like eediat inna mi car a try hot lickle water inna mi 'lectric kekkle - so send one good one a dat.

k .. As a matter a fac' mi want the lickle plug in sinting wey yu can drop inn de tea cup and hot the water

l .. Mi want rechargeable batteries - AA, AAA and D

m .. Mi want battery charger fi de battery dem.

n .. Mi need a wireless internet card because me coulda deh pon MSN pon mi laptop

o .. Mi need couple Swifer mops because me hand did a get tired fi squeeze out dem yah when the water blow under me door.

p .. Mi need some a the really big and stylish scented candles - check Pier 1 Imports them always have.

===================

JUST IN CASE ME HAVE TO GO A SHELTER, wi need these:

a .. One Baby Phat overalls - in case the roof goes - cause yu done know mi haffi look good

b .. One Prada bag - big enough fi hole me dry goods wey mi a carry go shelter

c .. Check if Jimmy Choo mek wata boots too!

===================

Mi Love unno, yuh hear! Mi know sey unno understand mi eeds cause unno go true Katrina - mi nuh know how unno dweet! But mi know unno understand wah me go through without these relief supplies. Sarry sey me never ask bout ow yu folks doing .. but everything muss betta ove de - for a farin unno live. Tings nuh
haard over dey .. like out yah so me nay even haffi ask.

With Love ... from Precious!

PS. Since me been home fi the few days me realize sey me can't tek the coarse sheet set them. Go up a Macy's ask them fi dem "Hotel Collection" bed linen
pick up few a de Egyptian Cotton one dem fi me. Arright? Tek Care!

http://www.trackapartner.com/

A WHA DIS NOW? LOL

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

---

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, she turned to her husband and said, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell? "Just hold its nose."

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp? A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag? A: One. Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean? A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A: She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blond electrician. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ? A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? A: The Air Pump! Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut-butter? A. They spread for the bread. Q. Why do dumb blondes always drink with straws? A. Practice Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A. Their both empty from the neck up. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm. Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A. A brunette with bad breath. Funny blonde jokes... Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? A. So she could lip read. Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? A. More leg-room! Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A. FULL Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Good Dumb Blonde jokes... Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A. The joystick is wet. Q. What do a mo-ped and a blond have in common? A. They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A. The blonde works in the dark! Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A. Her ankles. Q. What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A. "Have another beer." Q. What do Blondes say after sex? A1. Thanks Guys. A2. Are you boys all in the same band? A3. Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers? Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A. Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A. The more you bang it the looser it gets. Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? A. They both wriggle when you eat them. Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too. Q. Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? A. She kept throwing out all the W's. Q. How do blond brain cells die? A. Alone. Q. Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician. They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one? A. The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed. Q. How do you get a blond out of a tree? A. Wave Q. What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A. They both have black roots. Q. What does a blonde owl say? A. What, what? Q. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman? A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub. Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A. They both drip when they're f**ked. Q. How would a blond punctuate the following?. "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A. Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry! Q. Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? A. It swells at night. Q. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A. The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in." The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

A Scotsman and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York. At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said " That's all right laddie just gae the check to me ". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death ".

big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

---

 

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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators (so far) during the Summer Olympics that
they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from personal experience since I
once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."


4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really
that serious."


5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again."



6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all
over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of
the British crew."


8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is
playing so well is that, before the final round, his
wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God,
what have I just said?"



And another favorite was made during the diving
competitions two nights ago the commentator said...



"Look at that... you aren't getting anything between
those legs."

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

---

---

Hero
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

---

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f**king going!"

Tony was sitting in a crowded bar when Bobby, a "friend" of his who
was
always broke, approached him and whispered in his left ear:  "Tony,
beg
yuh a $20 nuh?"
Tony, pretending to be hard of hearing, said: "Whe  yu seh? Ah caan
hear yuh!"
Bobby repeated: "Beg yuh a $20 nuh?"  Tony pretended to be still
unable  to hear.  Bobby then went around to Tony's right ear and said:
"Beg   yuh a $50 nuh?"
Tony replied, "Boss, ah beg yuh go back to de $20 ears!"

---

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "f**k," the rottweiler ate him!

> A Jamaican lady pregnant with twins was in a car accident and went
> into a coma.   During the coma she gave birth to twins, a boy and a
> girl. Sometime later when she awoke from the coma, she was told
> that she had given birth and that her brother had been nice enough
> to name them.
> The mother was extremely upset to hear this.  She told the nurse
> that they never should have let her brother name the children
> because he was an idiot from the country.  The nurse assured
> her that he had done rather well; he named the little girl
> "Denise".  The mother seemed to be okay with that, so she asked what
> he had named her son.  The nurse replied,  "Denephew.

A dread and a blind man were good friends.
One day they decided they would pick some coconuts to sell.
They agreed that the dread would climb the coconut tree, pick the
coconuts and throw them down.
The blind man would listen for where they dropped, pick them up and
put
them in a bag.
After doing this for a few minutes, the dread accidentally lost his
balance and fell out of the tree.
Said the blind man: "Anodder one like dat dready, an' we gawn clear!"

>>>This is crime story. Five friends lived in a room, Namely MAD, >>> BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY, SOMEBODY. >>> One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in >>>bathroom, >>> MAD called police. >>> MAD: Is it police station??? >>> Police: Yes, what is the matter?? >>> MAD: SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. >>> Police: Are you mad? >>> MAD: Yes, I"m MAD. >>> Police: Don`t you have BRAIN. >>> MAD: BRAIN is in bathroom.... >>> Police: you FOOL... >>> MAD: No, FOOL is reading this joke...

Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.

They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.

The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details...

Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe

http://www.msfirefox.com/

ACURA
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AMC
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI
Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BMW
Big Money Works
Big Mexican Woman
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
DODGE
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive
EDSEL
Every Day Something Else Leaks
FIAT
Failed Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FORD
Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GEO
Good Engineering Overlooked
GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car
GTO
Gas, Tires, Oil
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MG
Money Guzzler
MGB
Might Go Backwards
MGF
Might Go Forward
MIATA
My Intention Always To Accelerate
MOPAR
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs
MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday
PINTO
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PONTIAC
poor old nigga thinks its a caddilac
PLYMOUTH
Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid
TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt! VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW
Virtually Worthless

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"
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Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
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At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

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